Not the 9 O'Clock News

Zaph

We need a news thread around here for stories which may be of interest to the Brethren, but you won't hear from Sharon Ní Bheolán. Stuff like this...

Cruise Infuriated Over Fart

Before the cast and crew of WWII drama Valkyrie began shooting at a particularly important historical site, the film’s star, Tom Cruise, had asked that everyone working on the film observe one minute of silence in honor of the heroes of war they were about to portray. When, during the minute, someone passed gas, Cruise stormed off the set in a rage, and he is now on a hunt to have the unknown fartmonger fired.

“Quite rightly, Tom is furious. We were filming at the Bendler Block in Germany where the anti-Nazis were executed.”

The source said Cruise decided to ask for the minute’s silence to show respect for the deceased and appease the German government, who only allowed the movie to be filmed if post-war Germany was shown in a positive light.

The source added: “So for somebody to pass wind in a situation like that is unforgivable.”

The silence was filmed and now Cruise and the producers will go through the footage to identify the culprit, who is likely to be fired.

As the hunt for the gassassin ensues, allow us to remind Mr Cruise: Whoever smelt it dealt it.

http://www.mollygood.com/tom-cruise/cruise-infuriated-over-fart-20070927/

Tom Dunne

zaph wrote:

We need a news thread around here for stories which may be of interest to the Brethren, but you won't hear from Sharon Ní Bheolán. Stuff like this...

But I wouldn't mind hearing from Sharon Ní Bheolán.

Excellent idea, brother Zaph. Potential sticky.

admiralofthefleet

the fartee should have given that minature twat a cupcake right up the nostrils

Something we have known in BGRH for ages but now it's official:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/727912.stm

AlmightyCushion

Deleted User wrote:

Something we have known in BGRH for ages but now it's official:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/727912.stm

It's not all good though.

one or two units of alcohol a day may have a protective affect on the heart but more than this could do more harm than good.

Oh well, it's not going to stop me.

Senna

Tom Cruise is just the right size that someday he WILL disappear up his own asshole.

nice1franko

It's ironic that he should take offence to one when, in fact, he is one himself.

admiralofthefleet

nice1franko wrote:

It's ironic that he should take offence to one when, in fact, he is one himself.

albeit a small one and not even silent or voilent. a twat really

LostinBlanch

`Well if it's any consolation it looks like Ian O Doherty in the Indo agrees with yez! http://www.independent.ie/opinion/columnists/ian-odoherty/which-are-worse--kids-or-parents-1091601.html

Check out the last bit of his column.

According to one on-set source, Cruise fumed: "Who let out that little fart?" A crew member replied: "That's just what we were thinking."

[looks desperately for holdingnosemsiley]

imeddyhobbs

I would like to hear sharon fart,i bet it would smell like roses

admiralofthefleet

imeddyhobbs wrote:

I would like to hear sharon fart,i bet it would smell like roses

i wouldnt mind sucking her farts:)

The Bollox

I wouldn't mind sniffing her bicycle seat

FlutterinBantam

Disgusting thread!!!

Slow Motion

Not many things leave me speechless............


http://apnews.myway.com/article/20071004/D8S24DD00.html

:eek:

Tom Dunne

I think that post belongs in this thread.

Slow Motion

tom dunne wrote:

I think that post belongs in this thread.

Fair nuff, wondering what was going on !

Maple

Slow Motion wrote:

Not many things leave me speechless............


http://apnews.myway.com/article/20071004/D8S24DD00.html

:eek:

:eek: good grief! What a wuss tho, i mean if you're going to be hardcore about it then you'd pick something a little stronger than sherry!

The Hill Billy

Any Brothers over London-way will be eager to check out Thai Cottage for their terror-alert-sparking curry.

Slow Motion

Hill Billy wrote:

Any Brothers over London-way will be eager to check out Thai Cottage for their terror-alert-sparking curry.

Saw that one, you gotta love snopes

Tom Dunne

More secks needed, Brothers:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7045550.stm

Slow Motion

tom dunne wrote: »

More sex needed, Brothers:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7045550.stm

Excuse me miss, my wife is away for a few days, I was wondering if you could help me out........:D

smashey

You mean I have to limit myself to once a day?

Tom Dunne

smashey wrote: »

You mean I have to limit myself to once a day?

Ah, give the woman a chance, will ya?

Slow Motion

Fancy a nap ? This is something we can only aspire to ....

http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19626255.700-possum-breaks-record-with-yearlong-snooze.html

"A possum has set an enviable record for doing absolutely nothing. After stuffing itself full of food in a laboratory, one curled up and hibernated for a record 367 days."

big b

An oldie, but still a goodie...........and a cautionary tale!

Egypt:
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was ". . . a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

RoundyMooney

<Horrendously OT warning!>

Ah nuts.

I thought this was going to be about the unsurpassed BBC2 comedy show from the early 80s!

Truck drivin' brothers, watch and rejoice...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozVxiQcqFQ8

Zaph

Elephants electrocuted in drunken rampage

GAUHATI, India - Six Asiatic wild elephants were electrocuted as they went berserk after drinking rice beer in India's remote northeast, a wildlife official said Tuesday.

Nearly 40 elephants came to a village on Friday looking for food. Some found beer, which farmers ferment and keep in plastic and tin drums in their huts, said Sunil Kumar, a state wildlife official.

They got drunk, uprooted a utility pole carrying power lines and were electrocuted in Chandan Nukat, a village nearly 150 miles west of Shillong, the capital of Meghalaya state, Kumar said.

"There would have been more casualties had the villagers not chased them away," said Dipu Mark, a local conservationist.

The elephants are known to have a taste for rice beer brewed by tribal communities in India's northeast. Four wild elephants died in similar circumstances in the region three years ago.

India's northeast accounts for the world's largest concentration of wild Asiatic elephants with the states of Assam and Meghalaya alone estimated to have 7,000 of them.

"It's great to have such a huge number of elephants, but the increasing man-elephant conflict following the shrinkage in their habitat due to the growing human population is giving us nightmares," said Pradyut Bordoloi, a former forest and environment minister for Assam.

MSNBC

.

daveirl

This post has been deleted.

Slow Motion

A Brothers brother brothers !

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20071029/D8SIIMH01.html

Jesus Wept

A hamburger that is 2.5 " square (and square!?).

I wouldn't let it darken my door.

Slow Motion

Tom ! Do you think Tanya might be up for a suggestion

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/afp/20071024/tod-australia-barmaid-breasts-offbeat-37b0eca_1.html

"PERTH, Australia (AFP) - An Australian barmaid who entertained patrons by crushing beer cans between her bare breasts and hanging spoons off her nipples has been fined, police said Wednesday."

Tom Dunne

Slow Motion wrote: »

Tom ! Do you think Tanya might be up for a suggestion

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/afp/20071024/tod-australia-barmaid-breasts-offbeat-37b0eca_1.html

"PERTH, Australia (AFP) - An Australian barmaid who entertained patrons by crushing beer cans between her bare breasts and hanging spoons off her nipples has been fined, police said Wednesday."

Em, hang on..... Tanya told me she used to work in Australia.

Though, coupled with the new mud-wrestling ring, it would certainly draw in the punters. Leave it with me...

Kazobel

http://www.winknews.com/news/weird/10830371.html

Man allegedly found with inflatable doll in public restroom

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa (AP) - A man was arrested after a government agent allegedly found him in an office building restroom lying next to an inflatable, anatomically correct doll with his pants down.

Craig S. McCullough, 47, was charged Wednesday with indecent exposure, a misdemeanor.

The criminal complaint against McCullough says he was discovered in the public restroom by an agent for the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency, which is one of the federal agencies that rents space in the Hach office building.

McCullough was arrested, and Cedar Rapids police took him to the Linn County jail. His arraignment was scheduled later Friday, police spokeswoman Cristy Hamblin said.

Another agency has an outstanding warrant against McCullough, but the reason for that warrant was not immediately clear, Hamblin said. He was still in jail Friday morning and it wasn't clear if he had an attorney.

McCullough's criminal record includes a 2004 conviction for burglarizing Just For Me bridal boutique. Shortly after the burglary, police officers found McCullough in a nearby alley, carrying a mannequin wearing a bridal dress.

Slow Motion

Kazobel wrote: »

http://www.winknews.com/news/weird/10830371.html

The guy's obviously a bit of a dummy

Kazobel

Slow Motion wrote: »

The guy's obviously a bit of a dummy

You think thats bad? As funny as this is, I can't believe they've put him on The Sex Offenders list - what, to protect innocent bicycles ?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/26/nsex126.xml&CMP=ILC-mostviewedbox

A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.


Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.

On Wednesday Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.

She said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police.

Mr Stewart was placed on the sex offenders’ register but his sentence was deferred until next month.

He is not the first man to be convicted of a sexual offence involving an inanimate object, however.

Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993."

:D

smashey

That was the town bike.

Zaph

Not really news, but not worth starting a thread for either - apparently US authorities are investigating 6 tele-evangelists for "financial irregularities", including one guy with possibly the greatest name I have ever heard - Creflo Augustus Dollar, Jr.

Zaph

Jaysus, this guy must have been going through one hell of a dry spell :eek:

NYC man held in corpse-sex case at Teaneck hospital

Anthony Merino had worked barely a few shifts at Holy Name Hospital in Teaneck when he told a security guard that his key to the morgue didn’t work.

The guard let him in, after the 24-year-old lab technician told him he needed to examine human tissue samples, prosecutors said Friday.

Passing by the morgue sometime later, the guard told police, he saw a horrifying sight:

Merino had unzipped the body bag of a 92-year-old woman who had died hours before, and he was having sex with her corpse, the guard said.

Police who arrived moments later found Merino in a men’s room, frantically cleaning his genitals, a prosecutor told a judge Friday in Hackensack.

The judge, in turn, ordered that Merino remain held on $400,000 bail at the Bergen County Jail pending a psychological evaluation.

The Sunday incident “utterly shocks the conscience,” said Superior Court Judge Patrick J. Roma.

“This is someone’s great grandmother. This is someone’s mother,” Roma said. Merino, of Washington Heights in Manhattan, is charged with sexual penetration of human remains – a second-degree crime that carries a maximum penalty of 10 years in prison and a $100,000 fine.

Merino shuffled into court in bright orange jail garb, his hands and feet shackled, as four family members looked on.

He briefly turned to his defense attorney, Savyon Grant of Englewood Cliffs, contorting his face and shaking his head when prosecutors claimed he had duped the hospital security guard into giving him access to the morgue.

Merino’s fiance would have attended Friday’s hearing, Grant said, but she had suffered an emotional breakdown.

NorthJersey.com

Jesus Wept

Link

(The link was on my google homepage.)

Seth Brundle

zaph wrote: »

Jaysus, this guy must have been going through one hell of a dry spell :eek:

Maybe this fella is related to him...

Zaph

Rejoice Brothers!

Now doctors say it's good to be fat

After years of anti-obesity public health advice, a major new study causes an outcry by concluding that the overweight live longer
By David Usborne in New York
Published: 08 November 2007

A startling new study by medical researchers in the United States has caused consternation among public health professionals by suggesting that, contrary to conventional wisdom, being overweight might actually be beneficial for health.

The study, published yesterday in the respected Journal of the American Medical Association, runs counter to almost all other advice to consumers by saying that carrying a little extra flab – though not too much – might help people to live longer.

Struggling dieters, used to being told that staying thin is the best prescription for longevity, are likely to be confused this morning if not heartily relieved. While being a bit overweight may indeed increase your chances of dying from diabetes and kidney disease – conditions that are often linked with one another – the same is not true for a host of other ailments including cancer and heart disease, the report suggests.

In fact, scanning the whole gamut of diseases that could curtail your life, being over weight is, on balance, a good thing. The bottom line, the scientists say, is that modestly overweight people demonstrate a lower death rate than their peers who are underweight, obese or – most surprisingly – normal weight.

The findings will be hard to dismiss. They are the result of analysis of decades of data by federal researchers at the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta, Georgia. This is not a study from a fringe group of scientists or sponsored by a fast-food chain.

Being overweight, the report asserts in its conclusions, "was associated with significantly decreased all-cause mortality overall".

"The take-home message is that the relationship between fat and mortality is more complicated than we tend to think," said Katherine Flegal, the lead researcher. "It's not a cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all situation where excess weight just increases your mortality risk for any and all causes of death."

That the CDC has even published the report and thus threatened to muffle years of propaganda as to the health benefits of staying slender has enraged some medical experts.

"It's just rubbish," fumed Walter Willett, the professor of epidemiology and nutrition at the Harvard School of Public Health. "It's just ludicrous to say there is no increased risk of mortality from being overweight."

Not that the CDC results are an invitation to throw caution to the winds and take cream with everything. The scientists are careful to stress that the benefits they are describing are limited to those people who are merely overweight – which generally means being no more than 30 pounds heavier than is recommended for your height – and certainly do not carry over to those who fall into the category of obese.

Obesity has been declared one of the main threats to health in the US, including among children. Those considered obese, with a body mass index (BMI) of more than 30, continue to run a higher risk of death, the study says, from a variety of ailments, including numerous cancers and heart disease. It said that being underweight increases the risk of ailments not including heart disease or cancer.

The scientists at the CDC first hinted at the upside of being overweight a few years ago. Since then, however, they have expanded the base of their analysis, with data that includes mortality figures from 2004, the last year for which numbers were available, for no fewer than 2.3 million American adults.

Highlighting how a bit of bulge might help you, the scientists said that in 2004 there were 100,000 fewer deaths among the overweight in the US than would have been expected if they were all considered to be of normal weight. Put slightly differently, those Americans who were merely overweight were up to about 40 per cent less likely than normal-weight people to die from a whole range of diseases and risks including emphysema, pneumonia, Alzheimer's, injuries and various infections.

Aside from escaping diseases, tipping the scales a little further may also help people recover from serious surgery, injuries and infections, Dr Flegal suggested. Such patients may simply have deeper bodily reserves to draw on in times of medical crisis.

Not everyone in the medical profession was surprised or angry about the study. "What this tells us is the hazards have been very much exaggerated," said Steven Blair, a professor of exercise science and biostatistics at the University of South Carolina, who has long argued that the case for dietary restraint has been taken too far.

"I believe the data," added Elizabeth Barrett-Connor, a professor of family and preventive medicine at the University of California, San Diego, who believes that a BMI of 25 to 30 – roughly the the so-called overweight range – "may be optimal".

Critics, however, were quick to point out that the study was concerned with mortality data only and did not take account of the quality of life benefits of keeping your weight down. The study "is not about health and sickness", noted the obesity researcher Barry Popkin of the University of North Carolina.

The report "definitely won't be the last word", said Dr Michael Thun of the American Cancer Society, who pointed out, in a report released last week by the World Cancer Research Fund and the American Institute for Cancer Research, that staying slim was the main recommendation for avoiding cancer.

Others in the American medical community, while a little bemused, were withholding judgement. "This is a very puzzling disconnect," said Dr JoAnn Manson, the chief of preventive medicine at Harvard's Brigham and Women's Hospital.

The suggestion that a bit of extra weight may assist patients recovering from an infection or surgery was of no surprise to Dr Flegal. "You may also have more lean mass – more bone and muscle," she said. "If you are in an adverse situation, that could be good for you."

In their conclusions, the authors of the study note: "Overweight... may be associated with improved survival during recovery from adverse conditions, such as infections or medical procedures, and with improved prognosis for some diseases. Such findings may be due to greater nutritional reserves or higher lean body mass associated with overweight."

Those of us mostly likely to benefit from a little bulge beneath the belt, the study adds, are between 25 and 59 years old, although there were also some advantages for people over 60.

http://news.independent.co.uk/health/article3138352.ece

Jesus Wept

I think most of us are past 'a little extra flab'

Zaph

Is that what it said, I didn't get further than the headline

Zaph

Now here's a guy who came up with a really sensible idea when he ran out of beer, and all he gets is condemnation from his neighbours for it.

NBC News

The Hill Billy

Lads - We've only the 2nd highest consumption of alcohol in the Western World. We must try harder!

Breakingnews.ie wrote:

Ireland has the second-highest consumption of alcohol in the Western developed world, according to a report on health from the OECD which was released today.

<snip>

The Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development's 'Health at a Glance' report places Ireland above the average for life expectancy for Western developed nations, at 79.5 years.

<snip>

<snip>

Full story here.

Jesus Wept

I demand a recount. :mad::mad:

It doesn't even say who won.

The Hill Billy

According to the report:

Alcohol consumption, as measured by annual sales, stands on average across OECD countries at 9.5 litres per adult, using the most recent data available. There is, however, much variation across countries. Leaving aside Luxembourg, given the high volume of purchases by non-residents in that country,[/] Ireland, Hungary, France and the Czech Republic reported the highest consumption of alcohol, with 12 litres or more per adult per year in 2005 (or 2004). At the other end of the scale, Turkey, Mexico and some of the Nordic countries (Norway, Sweden and Iceland) reported relatively low levels of alcohol consumption, ranging from 1.3 to 7.1 litres per adult (Chart g3-2-01).

We win, we win!!!

Seth Brundle

Hill Billy wrote: »

According to the report:

Alcohol consumption, as measured by annual sales, stands on average across OECD countries at 9.5 litres per adult, using the most recent data available. There is, however, much variation across countries. Leaving aside Luxembourg, given the high volume of purchases by non-residents in that country,[/] Ireland, Hungary, France and the Czech Republic reported the highest consumption of alcohol, with 12 litres or more per adult per year in 2005 (or 2004). At the other end of the scale, Turkey, Mexico and some of the Nordic countries (Norway, Sweden and Iceland) reported relatively low levels of alcohol consumption, ranging from 1.3 to 7.1 litres per adult (Chart g3-2-01).

We win, we win!!!

Norway, Sweden & Iceland should be ashamed for letting the side down!

The Hill Billy

Kazobel wrote: »

You think thats bad? As funny as this is, I can't believe they've put him on The Sex Offenders list - what, to protect innocent bicycles ?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/26/nsex126.xml&CMP=ILC-mostviewedbox


:D

He got probation yesterday - See here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/glasgow_and_west/7095134.stm

Bike sex man placed on probation

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.

He now lives in Ayr.

Poor fecker. He was caught having a w@nk in his bedroom - nothing more sinister than that. Why put him on the register? Like Kaz said - To protect vulnerable bikes? They're all well 'ard those bikes in Ayr - Grifters & BMXs, etc. FFS!

John Mason

> We should make him our mascot

** Huge hedgehog goes on Atkins diet **
> A hedgehog that weighs nearly four times as much as the average spiny mammal has been put on a diet.
> < http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/2/hi/uk_news/england/surrey/7094319.stm >
>

Zaph

A new invention that many Brothers would find very useful.