Not the 9 O'Clock News

Jesus Wept

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LostinBlanch

Aussie breaks record for carrying full beer Steins

An Australian has beaten the Germans at their own boozy game, smashing the world record for carrying stein glasses full of beer.

Bavarian-born restaurant manager Reinhard Wurtz, who recently became an Australian citizen, broke the record for carrying one-litre steins of beer, when he carried 20 for 40 metres last night.

With each beer-filled stein weighing at least 2.5 kilograms, Mr Wurtz carried 50 kilograms of beer and glass in the record-breaking effort.

The previous record of 16 steins was held by German barmaid Anita Schwartz.

trout

Apparently, Tom Cruise is really angry about a leak, revealing him as a fat baldie ...
oh! the manatees.

Even if he was fat and bald (and he's neither) ... I don't know if he would be welcome here.

Linkheh for the interested reader.
http://www.woai.com/entertainment/story.aspx?content_id=25c93243-ccf1-4b8b-8c10-6b6511b970f1

Slow Motion

"NEW YORK (AP) - It was a Thanksgiving meal for 10, but Tim Janus devoured it alone in just 15 minutes as part of a public relations stunt to draw attention to New York City's hungry.

"What's so important about today is that it begins to fill my stomach up and I can now leave a little more for everybody else," Janus said after consuming a 10-pound turkey, four pounds of mashed potatoes, three pounds of cranberry sauce and 2 1/2 pounds of beans.

And he still had room for dessert: an entire pumpkin pie.

Janus - a Major League Eater champion who holds world titles in cannolis, marshmallow Peeps and tiramisu - said the league was donating $6,000 to the Food Bank for New York City - a sum that will provide 30,000 meals. Last week, the league gave $4,000 to Second Harvest food bank.

According to the Food Bank for New York City Web site, 1.3 million New Yorkers currently turn to food pantries and soup kitchens to keep from going hungry, a 24 percent rise from 2004."

trout

Tim Janus ... seems like he had an unfair advantage* having two mouths and all.
Still, that's impressive. For charidee too. Win Win








*Janus is the Roman god of gates, doors, beginnings and ends ... usually depicted with two faces (hence two mouths), and in some records is known as Janus Quadrifrons (Janus the four-faced). Lent his name to the month January, and to the keepers of doorways and halls ... Janitors. Also a moon of Jupiter.

Linkeh -> http://www.nineplanets.org/janus.html

Slow Motion

trout wrote: »

Tim Janus ... seems like he had an unfair advantage* having two mouths and all.
Still, that's impressive. For charidee too. Win Win








*Janus is the Roman god of gates, doors, beginnings and ends ... usually depicted with two faces (hence two mouths), and in some records is known as Janus Quadrifrons (Janus the four-faced). Lent his name to the month January, and to the keepers of doorways and halls ... Janitors. Also a moon of Jupiter.

Linkeh -> http://www.nineplanets.org/janus.html

Some of us had an education you know, where's the bleedin' smiley with it's nose in the air when you need it ?

Slow Motion

How come this never happens to me ?:(

"Naked woman discovered in apartment
C.J. Marsh
The Arizona Republic
Nov. 28, 2007 01:27 PM

A Chandler resident discovered a naked woman sleeping in an apartment early Tuesday morning, but it's unclear how she got there. "


http://www.azcentral.com/12news/news/articles/1128abrk-naked1128-ON-CP.html

someothername

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not
like the standard mouse given away with PC's. Scientists found that there
is not a physical reason for their aversion; It is more of a Psychological
problem.

Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.
Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:

Julie from Hounslow said:-
'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed
to be'

Susan from Chelmsford added:-
'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type
is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle'

Hillary from Kent: said -
'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one'

Slow Motion

Quiff81 wrote: »

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not
like the standard mouse given away with PC's. Scientists found that there
is not a physical reason for their aversion; It is more of a Psychological
problem.

Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.
Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:

Julie from Hounslow said:-
'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed
to be'

Susan from Chelmsford added:-
'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type
is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle'

Hillary from Kent: said -
'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one'

nice1franko

nice1franko

send a woman to do a mans job...
http://www.breakingnews.ie/world/mhmhsnkfeyau/

Zaph

The things people will do to be accepted into the Brotherhood...

Man chugs liter of vodka in airport security line

BERLIN - A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing a liter (two pints) of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new carry-on rules, police said Wednesday.

The incident occurred at the Nuremberg airport on Tuesday, where the 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a holiday in Egypt.

New airport rules prohibit passengers from carrying larger quantities of liquid onto planes, and he was told at a security check he would have to either throw out the bottle of vodka or pay a fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo.

Instead, he chugged the bottle down — and was quickly unable to stand or otherwise function, police said.

A doctor called to the scene determined he had possibly life-threatening alcohol poisoning, and he was sent to a Nuremberg clinic for treatment.

The man, whose name was not released, is expected to be able to complete his journey home in a few days.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22219861/?GT1=10645

Zaph

The world's greatest Christmas present

_blank_

zaph wrote: »

The world's greatest Christmas present

That is BRILLIANT!!

I love it.

I recently signed a friend up for all kind of "free offers" from the internet.

Among other things he has had delivered include a Koran, a Bible, some Sanitary Products, Incontinence Pants, An American Bible Preacher DVD, some Jewish Quarterly magazine.

Zaph

Well if nothing else he should be OK in the afterlife, or at least somebody's version of it.

Zaph

Brother Des, here's another one for your friend's collection

someothername

zaph wrote: »

Brother Des, here's another one for your friend's collection

fantastic brother Zaph...... thanks for this!

it will be put to god use!

_blank_

Yep, I've just sent a couple too.

Muhahahaha.

Do Scientology or the Jehovas do anything like this I wonder.

Zaph

DesF wrote: »

Do Scientology or the Jehovas do anything like this I wonder.

I think you have to do the dianetics thing in person for the Scientologists, but I'm sure there's a way of signing him up for a subscription to the Watchtower online.

Zaph

Brothers, laziness has been raised to an art form

Bogota museum celebrates laziness

People in the Colombian capital, Bogota, have been able to be lazy over the past week, and not feel guilty.

An event organised by the Museum of Bogota had sofas, televisions, hammocks and beds - anything associated with the avoidance of work.

The idea was to get people during the holiday season to think about laziness and its opposite, extreme work, and perhaps reach some balanced conclusion.

Visitors had to be a bit active to see the show though as it closed on Sunday.

The exhibition, sponsored by the city government, attracted a lot of visitors perhaps keen to escape Bogota's traffic, the fast pace of life or the pressures of work.

Marcela Arrieta, the museum curator, told Associated Press news agency: "We always think about laziness as an enemy of work.

"So we wanted to explore that and make people think about the social issues implied in taking a nap, in being jobless or in feeling that maybe we are wasting time - so we want to ask ourselves about that."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7173527.stm

Jesus Wept

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/afp/20080107/tod-austria-animal-offbeat-ad60dae_1.html

yahoo wrote:

VIENNA (AFP)

A dog was admitted to a veterinary clinic in Austria at the weekend, barely able to stand on his own four paws and reeking "like a beer hall," a newspaper reported on Monday.

Dingo, a three-year-old labrador weighing 40 kilogrammes (88 pounds), was a pitiful sight when his owner, a hunter, brought him in to the surgery in the Salzkammergut region, the Oberoesterreichische Nachrichten quoted vet Karl Hofbauer as saying.

"The dog had dreadful wind and diarrhea, and was vomiting a lot," Hofbauer said.
"When I got him up on the table, it smelt like a distillery."

Tests indicated that the dog had a blood alcohol content of 1.6 milligrams per 100 millilitres.
But that was not the result of Dingo having one drink too many, the owner insisted.

The hungry pooch had stolen and secretly devoured half a kilogramme of fresh yeast dough from the kitchen.
Alcohol had formed inside his stomach as a result of the fermentation process, leaving poor old Dingo stone drunk.
"Nasty-minded people said that we hunters are often drunk. With me, it's my dog," joked the owner.

legspin

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7174760.stm

You have no idea the shadenfreude I am feeling at the mo':D

_blank_

^^

Serves him right. Feckin' hate Clarkson.

LostinBlanch

From todays indo http://www.independent.ie/opinion/columnists/ian-odoherty/big-brother--is-it-really-the-end-1268392.html

Police often get a hard time from a hostile media, apathetic public and a general populace which has an unfortunate tendency to focus on the negative side of policing, such as corruption, deceit, threats and the odd murder or two.

But it seems that some members of John Law are doing their best to confirm their reputation.

Take the case of heroic New York cop Paul Soto who has just lost a lawsuit against the city.

Was he injured trying to apprehend a criminal? Nope.

Did he hurt himself while rescuing a kitten from a tree? Hardly.

But he was injured in the line of duty -- he fell down while going to the NYPD doctor's office.

Soto claims that his knee was so damaged that he had to take early retirement.

There was just one small problem -- Soto weighs 500 pounds and had been forced to go and see the doctor by station chiefs who were worried about his health.

In fact, according to one report: "A former colleague at the 6th Precinct said Soto's gun belt was an incredible six feet long, and his bosses would order him to take walks around the stationhouse for his own good.

"They would also have other officers shadow him to make sure he didn't pick up food along the way."

justsomebloke

wrote:

"They would also have other officers shadow him to make sure he didn't pick up food along the way."

classic

Seth Brundle

from http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/4253849.stm

Woman jailed for testicle attack
A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."

Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.

'Pulled hard'

Sentencing Monti, Judge Charles James said it was "a very serious injury" and that Monti was not acting in self-defence.

The court heard that Mr Jones had ended his long-term but "open relationship" with Monti towards the end of May last year.

The pair remained on good terms and on 30 May she picked him up from a party in Crosby and went back for drinks with friends at Mr Jones's house.

An argument ensued and Mr Jones said there was a struggle between them.

In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and "pulled hard".

He added: "That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain."

The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones's testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it.

She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones. Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.

In a letter to the court, Monti said she was sorry for what she had done.

She said: "It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."

The letter added: "I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life."

The Hill Billy

METRO 25th Jan

A Hungarian man caught masturbating while riding his bike down a busy street has been given a three-year suspended sentence and a fine. A court heard how Ferenc Balog, 61, had kept one hand on the handlebar while he used his other hand to masturbate - but had lost control when he climaxed and ploughed into a shop window in the town of Dombovar. He was fined €94 and given a three-year suspended sentence for indecent exposure.

There's quite obviously a growing body of evidence that all cyclists are wånkers.

John Mason

http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/2/hi/uk_news/england/merseyside/4253849.stm >

Slow Motion

irishbird wrote: »

http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/2/hi/uk_news/england/merseyside/4253849.stm >

What a load of bollox!

LostinBlanch

irishbird wrote: »

http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/2/hi/uk_news/england/merseyside/4253849.stm >

Eh IB,



Keep up will ye!

Oh, and welcome back

Seth Brundle

LostinBlanch wrote: »

Eh IB,



Keep up will ye!

Oh, and welcome back

IB is one of those wimmin things! They never listen to a man when he says something. They then repeat it and expect all the credit!

LostinBlanch

Wise words Kbannon, wise words.









But they do make good rasher sandwiches though.

Seth Brundle

LostinBlanch wrote: »

Wise words Kbannon, wise words.









But they do make good rasher sandwiches though.

Do you think?
I own a wimmen and it has this kind of allergy against nice sandwiches preferring the less tasty salad type! Maybe its just the one I have!

Slow Motion

kbannon wrote: »

Do you think?
I own a wimmen and it has this kind of allergy against nice sandwiches preferring the less tasty salad type! Maybe its just the one I have!

You need an upgrade!

justsomebloke

Slow Motion wrote: »

You need an upgrade!

unless he did the upgrade from girlfriend 5.1 to wife 1.0, cause if he did then he is screwed

Slow Motion

jsb wrote: »

unless he did the upgrade from girlfriend 5.1 to wife 1.0, cause if he did then he is screwed

Wouldn't have thought so! Everybody knows the wife 1.0 is only a beta version and you have to get the secretary patch!

Seth Brundle

I was thinking of running wife 1.0 with a relatively new version of girlfriend in parallel. I'm pretty sure the hardware will cope but not sure of the software conflicts.

Slow Motion

kbannon wrote: »

I was thinking of running wife 1.0 with a relatively new version of girlfriend in parallel. I'm pretty sure the hardware will cope but not sure of the software conflicts.

Yeah it's one of those things that when it works, it works great, but as soon as you get any crossover:eek: Batton down the hatches:D

Kold

Stay the hell away from Missus Vista anyway..

Zaph

Drunk Russian sleeps off knifing

A Russian man trying to sleep off a night of after-work drinking failed to notice a six-inch (15-cm) knife in his back - until his wife woke him up.

Yuri Lyalin, 53, took a bus home, ate breakfast and apparently slept like a baby before his spouse noticed a handle sticking out of his back.

He was rushed to casualty but doctors found no vital organs damaged.

Mr Lyalin shrugged the episode off but the drinking partner who stabbed him faces trial, Russian media report.

"Unique and intriguing the case may be, but the accused faces a severe punishment," said Pavel Vorobyov, a deputy prosecutor in the northern city of Vologda.

Mr Lyalin, an electrician, had spent the evening drinking with a watchman at his workplace when they got into an argument, Interfax news agency reports.

The morning found him waking up in the watchman's office but instead of going back to work, he decided to take the bus home.

At home, Mr Lyalin had some sausage from the fridge and lay down to sleep, the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper says.

After a couple of hours, his wife noticed the handle sticking out of his back and called an ambulance.

Viktor Belov, a surgeon who treated him, found a kitchen knife in Mr Lyalin's back but "by good fortune, it had gone through soft tissue without touching vital organs".

His alleged attacker reported the crime to the police himself, Interfax adds. Mr Lyalin apparently feels fine and bears no ill-will.

"We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?" he was quoted by Komsomolskaya Pravda as saying.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7353025.stm

_blank_

Zaph wrote: »

"We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?"

What an absolute hero.

I salute you Yuri Lyalin.

That is hardcore drinking. To not feel a knife in your back takes a certain kind of drunkenness.

Well done.

minidazzler

The Coolest bit is that they are still friends. Now that is true Manliness. Stab a dude and just say "well, we did have a few you know"

Don1

A guy in my home town shot his wife with his air rifle to shut her up! She forgave him and they are still together! People are strange.........

Slow Motion

Don1 wrote: »

A guy in my home town shot his wife with his air rifle to shut her up! She forgave him and they are still together! People are strange.........

I know this place has a slightly mysogenistic (sp?) but that's a bit much even for us:p

Slow Motion

What can one say except ouch!:eek:

"A Romanian man needed some help after his ‘great idea’ started to feel not so great. He had super glued his condom to his penis."


http://www.theweirdpost.com/wordpress/2008/04/man-superglues-condom-to-penis-to-save-on-safe-sex/

Don1

I'm not even gonna read that. I winced enough at the quote!

Spastafarian

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/north_west/7360871.stm

BBC News wrote:

Drunk Darth Vader's Jedi assault

A man posing as Darth Vader attacked a Star Wars fan, who had founded a Jedi Church, a court has heard.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, from Holyhead, Anglesey, admitted assaulting Barney Jones and cousin Michael with a metal crutch. They suffered minor injuries.

Hughes, who was drunk and dressed in a black bin bag, shouted "Darth Vader!"

Earlier, when Hughes failed to arrive on time, District Judge Andrew Shaw issued an arrest warrant, adding: "I hope the force will soon be with him."

In the event, Hughes turned up and the case at Holyhead magistrates court resumed.

The court heard he had jumped over a garden wall wearing the bin bag before the attack.

Outlining the case againt Hughes, prosectutor Nia Lloyd said Barney Jones had recently started the Jedi church in Holyhead - in honour of the Star Wars' good knights.

It had about 30 members locally and "thousands worldwide".

The cousins had been filming themselves playing with light sabres in the garden before the attack.

Hughes admitted two charges of common assault.

The court heard he has a "chronic alcohol problem" and had drunk the best part of a 10 litre box of wine.

Mrs Lloyd said: "He was wearing a black bin bag and a cape and had a metal crutch in his hand."

Mrs Lloyd said he was shouting "Darth Vader".

She added that Hughes hit Barney Jones over the head with the crutch, leaving him with a headache.

He then laughed and hit Michael Jones in the thigh, causing bruising.
Both men were left upset by the incident and they believed it was pre-planned.

She added that the pair believe "very strongly in the church and their religion".

Hughes could not remember the incident and only realised what had happened when he read about it in local newspapers, the court told.

Defending, Frances Jones said alcohol was "ruining his life" and he had no idea where he got the crutch from.

The court head Hughes had previous convictions, including affray, assault and disorderly behaviour.

The judge warned Hughes that jail remained a possibility before adjourning for pre-sentence reports until 13 May.

Zaph

We need to stand up for the rights of our Mozambican Brothers

Mozambique cops 'too fat to run'

Mozambique police officers are to undergo a compulsory physical training programme, because some of them are too fat to run after criminals.

Interior Ministry advisor Pana Chande told the BBC that the poor lifestyle of many police officers was to blame.

Many of them have very large bellies and drink too much alcohol and smoke cigarettes, he said.

"Some of them are so large it is affecting their health and ability to run," he said.

"We are in a process of training officers and commanders at our training centres… We need men who are able to perform without problems," he told the BBC's Jose Tembe.

Mr Chande said many were slow and inflexible, often unable to chase criminals or act swiftly to avoid crime from occurring.

The physical training involves, among other things, running, gymnastics and simulating the chase of criminals.

He explained that the retraining programme is not a form of punishment, but an exercise aimed at improving the performance of the entire police.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/7408199.stm

Galvasean

Creationist Museum still a hit after one year

BY PAUL MCKIBBEN | PMCKIBBEN@NKY.COM

PETERSBURG - Instead of going directly to a family gathering in Illinois, Larry and Shirley Lawrence of Hattiesburg, Miss., stopped by the Creation Museum in Petersburg.

Larry Lawrence said he wanted to visit the museum because you see so much in the media and so much has been written proving evolution.

"It was just real interesting to me to see something that gives the opposing viewpoint," he said.

The Lawrences are among thousands of visitors that have trekked their way to the controversial museum since it officially opened on Memorial Day last year. A year after that opening, the museum continues to draw thousands of visitors.

The museum depicts creationists' literal interpretation of the Bible's Book of Genesis on how the Earth and mankind were created. Answers in Genesis, a Christian organization, operates the museum that was years in the making.

The Lawrences had gone through part of the museum and Shirley said the museum was "right on target with the Bible."

The museum is approaching its 400,000th visitor, exceeding expectations.

Mark Looy, one of the museum's co-founders, said the past year has been "extraordinary in a number of ways" with such factors as the attendance and worldwide media attention. He said the museum believes attendance will remain strong this summer because tour-group bookings are much higher than last year.

"We are somewhat optimistic that for our second year, we'll have over 300,000 visitors come here," he said.

Among the first-year visitors on a recent Wednesday afternoon besides the Lawrences, was Sabrina Seitz of Spokane, Wash., who brought along her 15-year-old son Dylan, a home school student. Seitz said she was going to a conference too and they flew to Columbus, Ohio, and then drove down.

"I think creation has a lot more answers than evolution ever thought of," she said.

Financially, Looy said the museum is doing more than breaking even.

New things are happening too. The museum is adding another restaurant. The Boone County Fiscal Court on Jan. 22 approved plans that include more parking and a new entrance. Looy said the museum is thinking about adding an auditorium on site.

And then there's the suggestion of the museum building a Noah's Ark. (There's an ark inside the museum). Looy said "people contact us all the time saying you should build a Noah's Ark" but there's nothing on the drawing boards.

To mark its one-year anniversary, the museum will have a Creation Celebration Friday, May 23, through Sunday, June 1. The museum will debut a musical called "Let the Rain Come," about Noah and his ark on Friday, May 23. There's also a fireworks display that evening and the museum that day will open a permanent petting zoo.

http://news.communitypress.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080519/NEWS/805190325

Galvasean

Missouri Car Dealer Offers Free Gun With Car Purchase

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,357183,00.html

BUTLER, Mo. — Salesmen at one Missouri car dealership aren't just kicking in a free CD player or factory air: They're offering a free handgun with every purchase.

Through the end of the month, car buyers at Max Motors in Butler will have a choice — $250 toward either a gun purchase or gasoline.

General manager Walter Moore said that so far, most buyers have chosen the gun, adding that he suggests they opt for a semiautomatic model "because it holds more rounds."

(In the fine print, the ad on the Web site explains, "Check written toward purchase price" and also mentions, "Approved Background Check REQUIRED!!")

Moore said he suspects his "Free Handgun" ad will draw protests in some places. But not in Butler, about 65 miles south of Kansas City.

Moore said, "Down here, we all believe in God, guts and guns."

Neat.