Baby talk - your opinions would be appreciated

SarahSassy

This is kind of a funny query but I am coming to the point where its a real problem for me and I am looking for answers from you, the parents and subsequently the experts

I have a very good friend, lets call her Mary. Mary is 37 (2 years old than me), married and has just had her 3rd child. We are friends since I was 11, we get on very well and have been there for each other in times of need.... We are in reality each others 'best friend'.

I guess my issue is the following... Since Mary got pregnant with her first child (4 years ago) she has basically given up having an interest in anything other than pregnancy, children, childrens names etc etc. I am single and would love to have kids but due to Mr Right not having showed his face as yet I dont have kids.... I adore her children and I think the world of Mary and her husband. She and I have never had a cross word and without going into too much detail when Mary was going through a nightmare situation I was there for her 100%....

I am at the point though where I am bored in her company. When we talk which is approx 4 times per week, 10% of the conversation is general and to do with whats going on with my life and the remainder is about her kids and people who are pregnant. I am the first one to admit that I would love to have kids but my real problem is that I am sick of being her 'ear'. She continuous brings the topic back to kids and herself and her situation..... I no longer am very interested in what she has to say. I do want to hear about her kids but am not intrested in the gory details of other women's labours, childrens names etc....

I have come to the stage that I want to broach this subject with her.... I have been thinking about this for almost a year.. I dont want to lose her as a friend just because we are at different stages in our lives.. We have been friends for years but people have said to me that she has a one track mind and I notice that people are starting to avoid her... I have to be blunt and find her singleminded obsession with all things maternal very boring...

Any ideas on how I nicely broach this subject with her or is it a phase that will pass??? (going on for 4 years now) Has anyone been in this position?

Thanks

Sarah

run_Forrest_run

phew this is a tough one (and one I am not going to attempt to solve!) but I totally hear you but let me just say that yes, I am sure this woman goes on too much about her kids. As a dad of one little girl I find I also go on about her to my friends, I actually am aware of it so I do try to curb it a tad (purely because they are not parents themselves).

But try to see it from her perspective, she is probably with her children all day looking after them and kids become a huge part of your life when you are a parent. Also interests that used to take priority before children often tend to take a back seat now that you have little ones to look after..I have found that myself.

But hey, I am not trying to defend her or condone it, I totally see where you are coming from but I think it is something that you will have to deal with. I fear if you mention it to her she may take it the wrong way and there could be friction between ye then.

Ayla

Sarah - This woman is your very best friend. Just b/c you're in different stages of life doesn't mean that your interests & goings-ons are any more or less important than hers.

Best friends love each other and are willing to have a talking to...talk to her. Chances are she doesn't realize what she's doing and she just needs a bit of an eye-opener.

This doesn't mean you don't want to hear about her kids, but it does mean you're half of the friendship and your life is just as important as hers.

deisemum

I agree with what the previous posters have said. It's a bit of a tough one. Some people become right baby bores and can't talk about much else.

Maybe it would be worth suggesting a girls night out, maybe include a few other females that include those with and without children and just say no baby or child talk allowed and if anyone mentions their child/ren just say not allowed and smile.

I go out about once a month with 5 other mums and between us we have children from 2 up to 26 (I think) and we've been doing this for nearly 8 years ago when we met on a business course. We make a point of not talking about our children except the very occasional mention.

SarahSassy

Thanks all for your points.... I have tried dropping hints and before the kids it was her wedding and before that her masters.... I guess the babies are the current obsession but its much easier to tell someone to stop going on about their thesis than their kids....

She IS my best friend... Have been there through thick and thin for her but she never suggests we do anything.. I am sick of suggesting things and she either brings the hubby along (whom I like but thats not the point) or just doesnt go....

She doesnt realise.... Its very upsetting cos I am bored when I talk to her as she has no other interests and also feel I am fighting for her attention when we do talk...

Guess its a hard one. She is very soft and has been through a lot so I dont want to hurt her but she has told me in the past (before she was a mother) to tell her if she ever bacame a baby bore.. Just dont know how to phrase it.

Ayla

Ok Sarah, we get it...your friend is fragile and has been through a lot. Without being too harsh, so have a lot of people. That doesn't give her the right to talk about herself exclusively and not care about how you're doing.

Friendship is a two-sided thing, and if she's truly a friend (which I don't doubt based on your statements) then she should be open to having a discussion about your concerns.

As a parent, I can say it is *extremely* easy to get absorbed in your kids and believe that they are the centre of the universe. It's also easy to make excuses for not taking personal time to foster your own relationships (marital & friends). But as "Mary's" friend, it is your responsibility to ensure she takes time for herself, and gets away from the family life for a couple of hours.

She may feel guilty about doing this (as if she's abandoning her family) but you are her friend and care greatly about her. She needs to get away for a couple of hours and just be a woman (not mom, wife, taxi driver, burper, spit & bum cleaner, etc etc etc).

You also need to ensure you're being taken care of in the friendship, and I can't emphasize enough - if she's your friend she will get over any initial hurt feelings from the inevitable talk you'll have. If you don't talk to her your friendship will eventually die anyway.

SarahSassy

I told her today I am interested in hearing about her own children but not interested in every other womans pregnancy, labour, feeding patterns etc etc etc ....

I think she got the idea.

deisemum

SarahSassy wrote:

I told her today I am interested in hearing about her own children but not interested in every other womans pregnancy, labour, feeding patterns etc etc etc ....

I think she got the idea.

That's actually a very diplomatic way to have gone about it, I must remember that in case the need ever arises

kholly

I have the same problem with my best friend, she only has 1 kid (2yrs)
and has total taken over her life, she has a partner and anytime I suggest going out, she say she cant because of Niamh her kid but I said let her dad mind her and we'll go off for a good nite into town.....NO was the answer, I have now suggested about 6 times since last xmas to go out and she just wont leave her kid even though her partner has gone away on a few weekends away with his lad friends......so she's a lost cause now..........

BostonB

For some having kids is all consuming.

kholly

But surely they dont have to take over ur life.....

BostonB

kholly wrote: »

But surely they dont have to take over ur life.....

Depends on the particular circumstance. Some people just want to be with their kids the whole time. Perhaps they've been a long time getting there, or something else is the cause of it. Perhaps they are wrecked from it all who knows. If someone wants to go out they'll find a way.

luckat

Ah. This is a problem that people who hang around with their workmates too much often have.

Basically, she's talking shop, just as an accountant or an actor or a doctor or a carpenter will talk shop.

What she doesn't realise (and many of the above don't either) is that it's rude to talk shop to someone who's not in the same trade as yourself.

I'd say it to her, not in a casual way, but in a serious "I've got something to say to you" way.

If she argues about it, don't argue back.

And if she keeps doing it, just say "Oh, damn, I can feel my phone vibrating - hang on" and go out and come back in and say "Sorry, something's come up, gotta go." when she does it.

SarahSassy

Yeah was helping her out all weekend cos her husband was away and suffered a pure monologue....

I tried changing the subject, not answering etc but she just didnt get it... I got the details of every bottle, nappy, whinge and cough. My brain is fried. She is not at all a mean person and would not hurt a fly and this is why I have said nothing up to now but I was bored stupid....

In fairness to her she didnt go on about other peoples pregnancies etc as I asked her not to but she me at my word when I said I would like to hear how her kids are getting on....

Any ideas on what to say?

SarahSassy

kholly wrote: »

I have the same problem with my best friend, she only has 1 kid (2yrs)
and has total taken over her life, she has a partner and anytime I suggest going out, she say she cant because of Niamh her kid but I said let her dad mind her and we'll go off for a good nite into town.....NO was the answer, I have now suggested about 6 times since last xmas to go out and she just wont leave her kid even though her partner has gone away on a few weekends away with his lad friends......so she's a lost cause now..........

The same thing happens to me and its so frustrating.... Mind you after this weekend I have realised we have nothing in common and I dont want to spend a night on my own with her.

littlebug

SarahSassy wrote: »

The same thing happens to me and its so frustrating.... Mind you after this weekend I have realised we have nothing in common and I dont want to spend a night on my own with her.

Maybe it's time to pull back a little then ?:(
Having kids is all consuming and if it's all you do then sometimes there's just nothing else to talk about! I remember a friend who had a baby the same age as mine asking me "have you found that your memory has got really bad?" and my honest answer was " um... I don't know... all I talk about is nappies an bottles" Until I went back to work I truly found it hard to switch my brain over to thinking (and thus talking) about anything else . Your friend is at home with 3 small kids.... she doesn't have time to think about much else!
People change as their lives change.... and it's ok to move on spend less time together when that happens. Honestly in the past few years I've found that I spend more time with other mothers and less with my single friends. (though that is starting to change a bit now that my wee ones are getting bigger and I have more freedom for me/ hobbies etc and thus more to talk about!). That doesn't make my single/ childless friends less important or me any less important to them. Our lives have just taken different paths for now and that's ok. Talking four times a week is a lot for two people who don't have much in common tbh. I would say you should draw back a little and cut that down a bit...you don't want to hurt her and lose her altogether. It maybe that as her kids get a bit bigger and she goes back to work or has more time and energy for other things that you will get closer again.

Strangely enough I have one friend (ex friend) who had zero interest in babies and to be honest my eyes would glaze over with her incessant talk of nightclubs etc. She didn't get that I couldn't head off into town at the drop of a text or that I didn't particular want to get drunk every Friday night. There was no middle ground to be found and I haven't seen her for 4 years. Nothing was ever said.. we just dropped out of each other's lives. I'm not saying you're like that Sarah but it's just to illustrate how much people can change.

davidoco

BostonB wrote: »

For some having kids is all consuming.

The little feckers have that effect on you, especially any stay at home parents. Since you can't beat them join em, sorry I mean if you can't beat them join em. It's relatively difficult to relate to small children (toddlers) and still function normally as an adult. You have to be their playmate, guardian, cook, cleaner, storyteller, personal dresser etc etc all at once.

I can't wait for my children to grow up and get to school for 5 or 6 hours a day.

Latchy

Quote Davidoco -The little feckers have that effect on you, especially any stay at home parents. Since you can't beat them join em, sorry I mean if you can't beat them join em. It's relatively difficult to relate to small children (toddlers) and still function normally as an adult. You have to be their playmate, guardian, cook, cleaner, storyteller, personal dresser etc etc all at once.

I can't wait for my children to grow up and get to school for 5 or 6 hours a day.

I have just read all the posts on the thread subject and found it very intresting in the sense that i/we are coming out of that long association with my children as babys (they are not) she is 11 (last week ) and he was 18 (2 weeks ago ) ,but i know only to well the long long road in the demands of baby hood and the whole time consuming baby world that can be so boring at times to single people .That is not to say it has not had it's memorible moements of course it has ,otherise we woundent have them but you are talking 20 odd years out of your life raring them before you can take a step back, and even then you will (as all parents do) worry about them.

My daughter has now got to the stage that she can walk the short distance home from school now ,and although we offer to meet her, she say's ' no i am ok ' and wants to show her independence now , which is great for us and her .It's a full time job from day one and your reward is the love you recieve back and the hope that they grow up to be decent human beings .

smirkingmaurice

I know the way, when the wife was pregnant she never kept quite about the kid this, the kid that, its just a phase, don't worry, your friend is just pregnant and wants to talk about kids and things, listen to her and try to change the topic of conversation subtly or else let her know gently that you have no interest in that topic of conversation.

KIVES

My wife and her best friend used go out on a Friday night but as soon as the friend had a couple of kids,she couldn't order a drink without feeling guilty about having a good night out - my wife said they used to talk about weird topics like 'The Sky at Night' just to throw her friend off the kid-talk - turns out the friend was having an affair with the local mechanic,so all the talk may have been a smokescreen

Latchy

When the children are babys and toddlers it is 24 /7 with looking after them and you really dont have time to be bored, but when they get older boredom can set into relationships due to in a lot of cases, the years devoted to the kids and he or she ends up looking for somthing (or sombody) else to get that spice back into their lifes .It's then you realise that they were the best years when they were babys ....

tulipandthistle

When I didn't have kids I swore I wouldn't turn into the "baby/child bore that my friends were. Since having my own (2year old), I have in fact turned into one! A child has such a huge impact on your life that you have little else to talk about and for myself, I am in wonder every day about what he can achieve.
We had a babysitter for the first time last month - it was great! I was the only thing holding us back from getting one before.
I hope you understand one day what your friend is "going through". Until then begin conversations about other things, she might be out of practice - I know I am! I'm sure she will appreciate being able to talk about other things in the outside world.

Latchy

One must not forget the joys of parenthood either and having the chldren in your life is telling you your single days are over,well for most of us anyway and also i am sure we have all heard the term ' child friendly' ....some countries are more than others.