How To Be a Better Girlfriend

humbert

Sorry if this has been posted a million times before!

1. If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.


2. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
* Unless the answer is yes.
* In which case, can he videotape it?


3. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.


4. Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.


5. Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.


6. It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.


7. If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.


8. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.


9. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.


10. Don’t hog the covers. Really.


11. If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.


12. “Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.


13. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.


14. If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.


15. Of course he wants another beer.


16. The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.


17. Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr….


18. He does not want to be just friends.


19. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.


20. He was not looking at that other girl.
* Well, okay… maybe a little.
* Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…


21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.


22. Your (select appropriate item butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.


23. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.


24. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.


25. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.


26. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.


27. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I meantion Love it?


28. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.


29. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.


30. He heard you the first time. Honest.


31. You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.


32. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.


33. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.


34. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.


35. His (fill in appropriate selections bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.


36. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…


37. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: “You know, why don’t we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?”

barneysplash

What the perfect woman would say:

I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

I'm bored. Let's shave my pus*y!

Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a
case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy
over for a threesome!

God, if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try
again?

You're so sexy when you're hung over.

I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

Let's subscribe to Hustler.

Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

Say, let's go down to the bar so you can check
out women's asses.

I'll be out painting the house.

I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had
time to play on Saturday too.

Honey our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing
again, come see!

I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

Your mother did a great job raising you.

Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day
thing and buy yourself a new PS 2 game.

I understand fully...our anniversary comes every
year for Christ's sake. You go drinking with the guys, it's a
wonderful stress reliever.

Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

Christ, not the mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you
retire and get your golf handicap down to 7 or 8.

You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting
up for the night feedings.

That was a great fart! Do another one!

I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles
behind my head for ya...

ruthiedv

humbert wrote:

3. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.

I knew that laughing all the way home after his vasectomy was a bad idea:o
I couldn't help it though

ruthiedv

barneysplash wrote:

That was a great fart! Do another one!

There aren't many things more entertaining than a lit one with the lights off:D
A deeply underestimated talent.