questions

lilyrose

ok a few questions.
how does everyone seem to know their birth names n also mothers name - its really frustrating as i know nothing!
is it wrong for me to expect my birthmother to make first move in finding me n does ne 1 know how many matchs the contact registar have made (just out of curiousity)
sorry for all the questions.

martinf

Hi Lilyrose,

In most case people will know their birth name from the non identifying information that they may have gotten from the agency through which they were adopted, or whoever looks after their files if the agency has since shut. Another possibility is that their adoptive parents knew what their original name was and subsequently told them or kept the original name.

Getting the birthmothers name is a little trickier. I only received that when I was someway down the road to actual making letter contact with my birth mother. At that stage it would have been obvious that I was going to find out a name when we wrote so there was little point in keeping it from me. Neither in my own nor my birthmother's case have I ever been told a surname (as that would be identifying info I guess).

As regards tracing I would say that it is far more usual for the adoptee to search for birth parents initially rather than the other way around but the latter is not unheard of. I can say that in relation to all the people I know who have been involved in tracing they were all adoptees. Therefore if you are interested in tracing I'd say don't wait for someone else to make the move. Also while I would recommend putting your name on the contact register as it's another way a reunion might come about I don't know how many matches have been made that way.

If you do decide to search I wish you the very best of luck.

Kind Regards

Martin

lilyrose

thanks for the help and advice

MaryMagdalene

Hi Lilyrose

There are many reasons a n/mother will not initiate contact. I am a n/mother who could, but has decided not to make contact. I have put my name on the two contact registers and eagerly await. I put these opinions together below from contacts with many n/mothers and hope they may shed some insight from our perspective.

a) One of the main reasons is that n/mothers are told that once they signed the adoption papers all rights were lost and that they could never make contact. Once you signed you were discarded - no longer of any use to society. No contact, no counselling, no support. Many people were hidden away, some too ashamed to even tell their siblings. I was sent away in shame to the nuns (I was 15yrs old), sworn to secrecy and this was in the '80's - God help the people before me as times were even more draconian back then. I cannot even begin to explain the physiological damage this treatment had and I was luckier than most as my siblings knew. However to this day it haunts me.

b) As a n/mother it is difficult to initiate contact for many reasons.

- a lot of the agencies lied to n/mothers and they simply cannot trace, information is not forthcoming. Most of the adoptions prior to mine are a nightmare to untangle with NO or misleading information given to n/parents.

- immense guilt and the risk of bringing everything back up again. Most n/parents have spent years trying to rebuild their lives again. This is not an easy thing to do. Some have simply denied it happened even to themselves - self preservation is different for everyone. Some have never told their families, never been allowed to grieve, never been allowed to even speak of this. Again I was lucky.

- Fear. Fear of rejection and destroying all hope, fear of upsetting their child’s life (potentially more guilt?), fear of upsetting current partner/husband/
children. Fear of the unknown and sometimes we are just too weary to try to fight the system AGAIN. Remember 90% of women did NOT willingly give up their babies. In some instances they were stolen, yes stolen. In the majority of cases they were simply worn down by the System and given no alternatives, no support and made to feel that not to give them up was selfish.



On the subject of getting information and tracing - it's in your hands. If you are any way curious I draw your attention to
http://www.adoptionireland.com

here you will find all details on tracing. I would encourage you to join the email listing as you will find all sides of the triangle posting here. You will get support and encouragement and practical help if you wish to begin the trace.

I hope that this has in someway helped you. Good luck in your decision.

MM

The_Conductor

Hi MM- there are courses open to you that you may perhaps not be aware of.
Up until 1989- all adoptions were registered as a matter of course by the Adoption Board in the government's official magazine- the Iris Oifigiul. It contains the new name and date of birth of children, along with their adoptive parents names and addresses.

Most county libraries have back catalogues of Iris Oifigiul magazines. You might have to go through several months worth- as the Adoption Board tended to wait until they had a good batch to do and then do them all together.

Its just a possible course of action that you might not have been aware of.

Shane

holly_johnson

smccarrick wrote:

Hi MM- there are courses open to you that you may perhaps not be aware of.
Up until 1989- all adoptions were registered as a matter of course by the Adoption Board in the government's official magazine- the Iris Oifigiul. It contains the new name and date of birth of children, along with their adoptive parents names and addresses.

Most county libraries have back catalogues of Iris Oifigiul magazines. You might have to go through several months worth- as the Adoption Board tended to wait until they had a good batch to do and then do them all together.

Its just a possible course of action that you might not have been aware of.

Shane

I never knew about that Shane, that's a good source of information!
I don't know my birth name (if I ever had one) and was only told my birth mothers first name until she decided that she wanted to meet me. I think it depends very much on the agency that handled your adoption as to what information you are given. I also know that the information my birth mother gave them was a pack of lies - info about my natural father, her occupation and address etc.

MaryMagdalene

Thanks for that Shane - I wasn't aware. Can you clarify - adoptions pre 1989? My daughter was born 1985 but they kept coming back and back and back with legal things and eventually I think it was finalised a year later. Hence would I be looking for an adoption in 1986 then? I know I was notified in writing but I can't remember. Maybe if I had this information I would have the courage to kick start something - at the moment I cannot get off this fence!! I could easily contact the agency to write but I just keep running away from this. So many reasons (and yet none really). :rolleyes:

Holly J - On the lies told by birth mothers - this must be hard for all of you but from our point of view we never thought that you would see it. Remember, we were told you would never be able to look for us / see this information. In a way I think we were protecting ourselves - from what I cannot truthfully give a single definite object/person/scenario as an answer. It was simply a state of mind we were brainwashed into - a world of paranoia and shame.

It's all very difficult to explain as it's mixed up with emotions and a semi-reality. Even now sometimes I feel it all happened to "someone else" and I am the on-looker ........

For example we weren't allowed to use our "real" names in the homes, we assumed a false identity, inside we "became" someone else, personal information was frowned upon. We were institutionalised, physically locked up. We were existing in a "period" of time, time to be served (as sinners) all the while without understanding that we were weaving the web of secrecy & lies that would live with us forever. I know this is no excuse but I too did not put down the fathers name, in general, this was not "encouraged". Personally I still don't feel he was entitled to that privilege.

In my head she was and always would be "my daughter" and if this was the only link we could ever have then I wanted it to be mine and mine alone.

Anyway I just hope my ramblings go someway to explain why some of us did what we did.

MM

The_Conductor

Hi MM- yes, it would only be in Iris Oifigiul after it was finalised- so 1986. The dates of birth would have been included- but you should keep in mind that there could very well be several girls all with the same date of birth who were adopted (on my date of birth there were 6 other guys for example). Its entirely possible that you might have to peruse several months worth of the Iris- but they don't take long to go through.

Shane

martinf

Hi Shane,

Can I just clarify what information is available in Iris Oifiguil? Does it give the date of the adoption order (if you had it) or only the info that you mention below? I know a number of people who might be interested in this and want to be sure about what I tell thejm.

Best wishes

Martin

smccarrick wrote:

Hi MM- there are courses open to you that you may perhaps not be aware of.
Up until 1989- all adoptions were registered as a matter of course by the Adoption Board in the government's official magazine- the Iris Oifigiul. It contains the new name and date of birth of children, along with their adoptive parents names and addresses.

Most county libraries have back catalogues of Iris Oifigiul magazines. You might have to go through several months worth- as the Adoption Board tended to wait until they had a good batch to do and then do them all together.

Its just a possible course of action that you might not have been aware of.

Shane

The_Conductor

Hi Martin-

It does not give the date of the adoption order- but the Iris Oifigiul announcement will only be after the date of the adoption order (so if you know the date of the adoption order, you can skip through to issues post that date). The information contained is the adoptive parents name and address along with the new name and date of birth of the adopted child- thats it, nothing more.

Its useful, but only for narrowing a search down- obviously there could be a couple of matches with similar dates of birth etc (but its very useful for someone trying to find an adopted person).

It is of limited use- depending on what other information you are working off, but could be an excellent way of taking a valid shortcut.

Shane

martinf

Thanks Shane, Just wanted to be sure before I put people astray.

Martin