depression, does it get any better?

LegacyUser

i dont really know what i want to say,
is it possible to tell my friends 'right, im depressed, and if im hanging around with you guys (or people in general) i need to be drinking to be able to handle it, and then i get drunk, and get stupid, so just leave me alone'
i just want to isolate myself totally from society, is it possible to do this without decending deeper into depression, and slowly going mad?

i just cant handle being around people, without drink,
might write more later, when i think of what i want to say

eagle1

Depression is awful! I have been through it-probably has a lot to do with the Irish psyche and the long winter.
Unfortunetely, drink(alcohol) may make it worse in the long run. It is important to eat well,exercise and if there is no improvement see your doctor.
Talking with a good friend helps a lot.
You will improve!
good luck.

Odysseus

Go to you GP if you feel depressed and seek some form of therapy. It does get better. Best of luck with it mate.

Dudess

And PLEASE learn to love yourself - for a start, don't post as "stupidugly".
Depression is extremely treatable and far more common than you think. You are NOT alone.

BanzaiBk

It is very hard but it gets miles better,. I suggest talking to your GP about how you are feeling asap. I have gone through something very similar, the feeling of wanting to hide from society forever. I just wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. Time and treatment has really helped me turn my life around. There is great hope. Talk to your family/friends about how you are feeling, no matter how easy it seems alcohol is not your answer at the moment. Try to motivate yourself to think positive and have hope. Good luck:)

Victor

stupidugly wrote:

i dont really know what i want to say,
is it possible to tell my friends 'right, im depressed, and if im hanging around with you guys (or people in general) i need to be drinking to be able to handle it, and then i get drunk, and get stupid, so just leave me alone'

Is there a problem with these people? Why do you have to drink if you are around them? Can't you do a non-drinking activity with them?

i just want to isolate myself totally from society,

I cna understand that. Sometimes feel hurt and want to keep away from what is hurting us. Its not dissimilar to the 'flight' part of a 'fight or flight' reaction.

is it possible to do this without decending deeper into depression, and slowly going mad?

Potentially you end up drowned in your own thoughts as you have nobody to have a convarsation with and no second opinions. Theres nobody to say "Dude, thats cool!" or "Have you shaved at all this week?"

toothie

I've had depression and it is terrible. It is possibly the worst feeling in the world. You don't know whether you are coming or going and everything is such a huge effort that it takes the wind out of you. I just wanted to hibernate and wake up when things were better. However, it does get better with help and medication and while it is a huge struggle to recover, it is worth it when you are yourself again. I think you should stay away from alcohol (this is a depressant) and get help from your gp. I found that people who haven't gone through depression themselves just didn't understand, but a sympathetic gp will put you in the right direction to recovery. I know how difficult it is to make that first step and you may feel like a fool in the wating room, but believe me, it is worth it. Look after yourself.

nesf

It gets better. It seems while you're down that it'll never end but it does.

Victor wrote:

Is there a problem with these people? Why do you have to drink if you are around them?

Drinking can suppress the anxiety for some people. Or make it worse, depending on the night. It's really one of those "bad ideas", you just end up doing stupid stuff.

LegacyUser

*long post

Ok, stupidugly is who I am, how I feel about myself, always, apart from when im drinking, which is the only time ive any confidence. But not always, and that annoys me. I need either beer, or redbull, or vodka, or coke (the good stuff) or E, or combinations of the above to feel good about myself

I went to my gp first four years ago, and was put on anti-depressants, on and off different medicnes for a while, and four years later, this is me…

drink(alcohol) may make it worse in the long run

ok, drink does make it worse, it takes between 12 and 24 hours for me to feel good after a night drinking, im just totally depressed after it, especially if I black out, which doesn’t take much drink to happen, and then im pretty much paranoid, thinking about everything that could have/ might have happened, or I could have/ might have said (and that’s a lot of things I think about)

It is important to eat well, exercise

I don’t eat well at all, frozen pizzas and microwave meals, and I get f-all exercise

Talking with a good friend helps a lot.

ive not really got any friends to talk to, theres maybe one guy that I went to primary school with, that I kinda became friends with lately, and maybe a girl I worked with about two years ago, but I havnt been in contact with them in the last year, I dont want to be saying ‘hey its me, im ****ed up, I need to talk’ y’know?

seek some form of therapy

I tried CBT for a while, but to be honest, I had an appointment, and I didn’t/ couldn’t make it, because I kinda had a panic attack. Well to be honest, I don’t know what happened, does it ever happen someone, that you wake up, and you know you’ve got to be somewhere in an hour, and for some reason you say to yourself, ‘I can wait another 10 mins, I don’t need breakfast’, and then its ‘I can wait another 20 mins, I don’t need that shower’, and then you say ‘if I get up now, I can be on time’, and then its ‘im 5 mins late, I could go in’ and then theyre calling, wondering where you are, and your too ****ed up to answer the fone, you just wish the world would leave you alone, and let you just pretty much die in peace?

Talk to your family/friends about how you are feeling, no matter how easy it seems alcohol is not your answer at the moment. Try to motivate yourself to think positive and have hope.

Cant really/ don’t want to talk to family, don’t want to be annoying any of the three friends I might be able to talk to with this, if I didn’t have to deal with other people, I wouldn’t need alcohol, but its pretty hard, impossible, to give a **** about anyone else, or to think about anything apart from how ****ed up my life is, without a few beers and redbulls inside me

I think you should stay away from alcohol (this is a depressant)

Technicality here, but I think alcohol is called a depressant because it depresses your central nervous system, making your reaction times slower, not because of its effects on your mental health, (yeah, I know it makes me depressed the next day, but look it up…)

Is there a problem with these people? Why do you have to drink if you are around them?

Drinking can suppress the anxiety for some people

...

nesf

Stupidugly wrote:

Ok, stupidugly is who I am, how I feel about myself, always, apart from when im drinking, which is the only time ive any confidence. But not always, and that annoys me. I need either beer, or redbull, or vodka, or coke (the good stuff) or E, or combinations of the above to feel good about myself

It might help to think of the drink as suppressing the negative thinking rather than thinking it helps you think positive about yourself. The issue is the abundance of negative thinking downing out all else rather than anything else.

Stupidugly wrote:

ok, drink does make it worse, it takes between 12 and 24 hours for me to feel good after a night drinking, im just totally depressed after it, especially if I black out, which doesn’t take much drink to happen, and then im pretty much paranoid, thinking about everything that could have/ might have happened, or I could have/ might have said (and that’s a lot of things I think about)

I don’t eat well at all, frozen pizzas and microwave meals, and I get f-all exercise

Fix the main issue, ie the depressions, the anxiety etc and the above will fall into place. Going on a crusade against drink and bad eating won't solve the actual problems (or at least whenever I did the above it didn't really help much beyond an initial high).

Stupidugly wrote:

Well to be honest, I don’t know what happened, does it ever happen someone, that you wake up, and you know you’ve got to be somewhere in an hour, and for some reason you say to yourself, ‘I can wait another 10 mins, I don’t need breakfast’, and then its ‘I can wait another 20 mins, I don’t need that shower’, and then you say ‘if I get up now, I can be on time’, and then its ‘im 5 mins late, I could go in’ and then theyre calling, wondering where you are, and your too ****ed up to answer the fone, you just wish the world would leave you alone, and let you just pretty much die in peace?

Yes. It's really not a nice place to be in. You can't leave the house because you're too anxious but being cooped up on your own is just making things worse, etc.



My advice, see a specialist. Get a referral to a psychiatrist and take things from there. If the initial attempts by the GP aren't fixing it, it's time to talk to a specialist (in my opinion). Therapy might also be an idea. If nothing else it'll give you a place where you can talk about things that you don't feel comfortable saying to people that know you. In my case it took many referrals until I found someone who really helped. You need to be proactive about these things (and yes I know how difficult this can be).

kildarehawk

Hi there StupidUgly,

Lot of replies from other users!
Anyway, I'm a sufferer of depression. I am also a GP. 3 weeks ago I was suffering from moderate depression. I wanted to isolate myself socially too. I referred myself to a psychiatrist. (Not necessary for 99% of people - I can't go to a GP). I started an antideppresant 3 weeks ago. I feel perfect today. I feel great! Everything seems so much better. Things can feel so much better and all you have to do is get over the social stigma of taking antidepressants. They do really work!
The GP you go to will ask you a few questions, most importantly, do you wake in the early morning? If you do, they will probably start medications. You will feel better in 4 weeks. It's as simple as that....

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies,
I had more written in my second post there, but I thought it was a whole lot of unnecessary information, so I deleted it.
I had been taking antidepressants for over two years, (cipramil for about 2 years, and one day when the prescription ran out, I just didn’t bother getting it filled again, (due to the whole anxiety/ depression, not being able to do the simplest of things) I had moved house, so after about a month I went to a different psychologist, who put me on efexor for 2 weeks on a low dose, then higher dose for another 2 weeks, then higher dose for a month, and it was meant to go up again, but I had been changed to a different psychologist again, and I never went, because of anxiety / panic attacks on the morning of the appointment, and I just didn’t want to be asked ‘have you ever tried to kill yourself?’ again) that was four months ago, and I have moved house again, so I don’t even know where to go to see a psychiatrist, (GP, or ask for a referral from my last one, or the one I didn’t even see? Its not a big question, and its one that’s easily answered, but I don’t seem to be able to do anything if its not straightforward, ie. Do this, then this, then this…)
Anyways, about a year and a half before that two years on anti-d’s, (4 years ago) is when I went to my gp first about my depression, and was on some form of antidepressant for a month. Didn’t feel better, didn’t immediately go back, but was on and off different anti-d’s for over a year.
But about four months after I started taking the cipramil, for a month, is the only time in the last four years that I felt any better than I did before I started taking medication, and now im off it for four months, and I don’t really feel any worse, but I know I could be slowly getting worse, and not really notice it, but I know if I go back on medication, itll be a couple of weeks of, maybe not hell, but my body getting used to the drug, and then if the dosage is upped, itll be another week or more…
I had been doing CBT, but stopped that 4 months ago, only really started it, and it kinda helped, is there any point in doing this without taking medication aswell, or if I go back on medication, will I get any benefit for the first month, when ill be in a pretty bad state (if the experience with efexor is anything to go by)

Fix the main issue, ie the depressions, the anxiety etc and the above will fall into place. It might help to think of the drink as suppressing the negative thinking rather than thinking it helps you think positive about yourself.

good points. thanks.
yeah, ive been using drink to help me relax around people, and id drink more, because i thought it'd give me more confidance, and i get drunk, and make a fool of myself, i suppose if i want confidance, ive got to sort my head out

nesf

Getting a referral from your GP to see a psychiatrist is the route most take.

CBT can be effective with or without medication. It depends on the person. I know people who found it excellent and I know people who found it didn't help them at all (I'd be in the latter group). The only way to find out is to go and do it and see how you are feeling after a few months.

jtsuited

sorry to hear your troubles stupidugly (try a different name next time )

To me it seems the biggest problem with depression (in the context of clinical depression, bipolar etc.) is the shame the sufferer feels about it.
I don't know why but suffering from clinical depression (the physical illness, not the feeling of being down for a few weeks) seems to be something people don't like other people knowing.

I hid my serious mental health problems from everyone around me (bar a few girlfriends) for years, and it's only in the past year as I've been making a significant recovery from severe depression that i have come clean to most people about it. Coincidentally, in the past year I realised that one of the best ways to deal with your depression and even help others deal with theirs is by shamelessly discussing it openly.
If people want to make judgements on me because of my mental health problems then let them - the statistics show that there are many people they would know personally who would be suffering with the same problems.
I found that since being completely open with everyone about my experiences with depression, the amount of friends who have spoken quietly to me about their experiences is incredible.
So what's my point? Well it's that however you feel about your depression, do not be excessively secretive about it. Be open about it and you'd be surprised how many people will help you. The shame of depression is often one of its main perpetuating factors.

I was about to post this anonymously but i thought that would be a bit hypocritical. Yes I suffer from depression. But many people(a hell of a lot more than you would think) do. And many people fully recover.

You seem to have been through the whole drug/therapy/drink route, and have understandable issues about it.
I've been on and off medication for the past 5/6 years but I never stayed on it long enough for it to bring me back to normal. The medication takes a long time to work. And it is a very gradual recovery. So bloody gradual that you don't notice it happening at the time. It's only in hindsight (we're talking anywhere from 6-12 months) that you see the big difference.

If I were you I'd stay off the drink for a few months, give yourself some time to recover, put yourself first, and get on the right medication.

Also check out Dr. Tim Cantopher's book 'Depressive Illness: The Curse Of The Strong'. By far the best book out there on the matter (and I've read most of them-and most of those were complete sh1te!).

I found CBT to be a very naive approach to serious depression and I'm fairly sure it's only beneficial to those suffering mild depression. However while in CBT I thought it was great but looking back I was deluding myself.

Hope this helps.

LegacyUser

As I said before, stupidugly is how I feel,
But yesterday a friend tagged me in a photo on facebook, and yeah, im ugly.

And I know that its not just looks a girl goes for when shes out, having a drink, havin a laugh, talking to random guys…. She goes for humour, a bit of a laugh, someone who can take the piss outta themselves, (self deprecating), but not to the point where it becomes obvious that the guy is seriously insecure, unable to talk about anything apart from how messed up his life is, how he wishes he was somewhere else, anywhere else, and how the world would be better off without him in it.

That’s pretty much the only thing that keeps me going, the fact that girls don’t put looks number 1 on their lists, that if I get out of this depressive phase, (that has lasted, its hard to say, all my life…? The last 10 years? …the last 7 years? ..,the last 4 years?, ive been depressed all my life, but I used to have a bit of a spark, be a bit funny, on occasion, but I lost that about 6 years ago. I still have the odd magic moment, where I say the right thing at the right time, but that’s only once a year at this stage, maybe) if I get out of this depression, I might be all right, ill still be ugly, but at least ill have a sense of humour, and be able to use it to my advantage,
Blah, ive been drinking, look at the times my other posts were made at, and youll see a pattern.

I don't know why but suffering from clinical depression seems to be something people don't like other people knowing … The shame of depression is often one of its main perpetuating factors.…..one of the best ways to deal with your depression and even help others deal with theirs is by shamelessly discussing it openly. If people want to make judgements on me because of my mental health problems then let them…do not be excessively secretive about it.

Ive tried talking to people about it, but the way I described it to my friends when I was telling them about it is, imagine youre seeing a film for the first time, and someone gives away the last twist in the plot, you just don’t see the film in the same light as anyone who was seeing it (fresh, is the only word I can come up with, that conveys the meaning) without knowing what happens at the end. You look at it in a totally different light.

It's only in hindsight (we're talking anywhere from 6-12 months) that you see the big difference.

been on cipramil for 2 years, felt ok for one month about 4 months into taking it….. thats all really.

Stay off the drink? I cant do that, ive got different people asking me to go out drinking with them every night of the week. And as I said already, I need a few pints to keep the anxiety down, although im trying not to rely on drink for confidance with the other half of the species, but to be honest, what am I meant to do there, when its kinda obvious to me what she wants, but I don’t have the confidance, or know-how, to advance the situation? All I can do is keep drinking, and hope shes still there at the end of the night…


As regards CBT, I only really started it, didn’t even know it was CBT at the time, the whole thoughts, feelings, and actions, and changing one can affect the others, I sometimes see myself using that, to get out of situations where I could be just sitting there, thinking to myself for hours, and doing nothing,

Terry

jtsuited hit the nail on the head there.

You need to be open about it.

If, as you say, you have different people asking you to go drinking with you every night, then you obviously have people in your life you like you.
Just start by talking to them about it over a few pints, if that's what it takes.

You really do need to lay off the drink though.
You also need to stay away from drugs. Drugs like E and coke are really not for people suffering from depression.

The anti depression medication only works if you take it long term.
If that means taking it for a few years, then so be it.

You'll get better quicker if you lay off the drink though.

jtsuited

bumping this just to see how stupidugly is getting on. Have you been to a GP/Psychiatrist to get a coherent recovery plan in place?
Anywho, hope you are well.

pornstar IRL

i suffer with depression and ptsd , tried most things but never heard of CBT could someone explain what it is,as i dont know if i tried it or need to try it thanks. p*

skelliser

its about analysing your thoughts, feelings and behaviours and trying to find a common link between them
you keep a diary and write down what happens until you start to recognise patterns etc.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy
its not for everyone tho because some ppl have deeper sub-consious issue that must be resolved before they can move on

Chunky Monkey

Hey Stu (I'm calling you that cos your forum name is silly ). Just glanced through some of the posts here and I noticed you said that you often don't turn up for check ups and that you often have a different psychiatrist. Is there any way of requesting to see just the one the whole time? Might make you feel more comfortable.

Junk food, lack of exercise, the feeling I'm not doing anything with my life and feeling that this world just isn't worth it are what bring me down (though the last could be a product rather than a cause). I think the problem with getting exercise could be that to do so you usually have to go to public places like classes, the gym or even running outside and you don't want people to see you. Perhaps, for the time being if you can afford it, get a treadmill that you can use at home. Now this might sound like a silly suggestion but amazingly I've found drinking lots of water helps (even just a little and every little helps innit)...

When it comes to writing feelings I can't do it, I just can't. I read back over what I've written and feel worse, like a total gob****e. I feel that society has quite a negative attitude towards depression. People call you whiny or miserable and just consider you bad company. Nobody has actually said that to me but I've heard it said about others.

pornstar IRL

THANKS Skelliser
done all that,did not know that it was called that,just went through the motions for the shrink.
thanks again and hope christmas is surviable
p*

AckwelFoley

I suffer from serious Depression.

Ive had it all my life.

Its a really horrible condition thsat can eat away at your very being.

Im not ashamed to tell people i have it because people need to know more about it.

Im the type of guy that you would never ever suspect of having it, i dont look sad, being sad has nothing to do with it.

Best describing the feeling is, its like how you feel after your mother dies, but the hurt wont go away, and you have really nothing to be hurt about.. its just there.. in the pitt of your chest.

Anyone here feel free to pm me if you want to talk privately about anything or you need help or advice, id be more than happy to help

LegacyUser

its only me.
havn't been back to the doc yet, still just about floating through life, dont have a clue what direction im heading, or where id even like to be going.
i was out a couple of times in the last week, and just didnt feel comfortable untill i had about three pints and three vodka+redbull in my system the first night, just stood at the edge of the dancefloor, spent my time wandering from the dancefloor to the smoking area to the bar to the toilet, only got in the mood to dance at the very end of the night. then a couple of nights later i was having a few cans at home with mates, i just wasnt getting into the conversation at all (wouldnt be unusual), and i wasnt just sitting back, relaxed, i was just sitting up, tense, not knowing what to do, so i had five cans, then a couple of pints, and a whiskey and redbull, and then i started feeling like havin a laugh, the lads had been flirting with the girls at the next table, and i just wasnt feeling it, then i started feeling ok, but it was time to head home, and that was that.
so, if i go back on efexor, which is meant to help with anxiety, will it help at all? especially if im drinking that amount with it, if/ when i find its not working, (because i know ill probably head out for a night when im only back on it a week or two, and i dont want to be sitting on my own, with girls i could be talking to beside me, but just not being in the mood/ not having a clue what to say, this happened a couple of weeks ago, went out with a mate who dosnt drink, i tried not drinking, but i wasnt any fun, so i got the redbull in, but that didnt work either...

im heading to a gig in a week that i wouldnt mind doing a pill at, still got half a one that i took the other half of about six weeks ago, or i might just lash the beers in for a couple of hours before the gig, and have a few vodka-redbull inside, but thats an expensive habit, compared to the half, or two half E, just not sure what sort of effect ill get off the pill, isnt it a cnut that the people who need these drugs in their lives, are the ones that dont get the proper effect off them, (especially if you're on anti-depressants, E just dosnt work, but when you're off them aswell, theres no serotonin to be released, for that feeling of, ecstasy, empathy, i suppose. you get the jaw grinding allright, speedy/ amphetamine feeling, whatever...

naw, i think ill just go with the loadsa beer and redbull

tbh

jesus don't do pills - if you have depression I'd imagine that the after-effects of a couple of pills would be the worst kind of hell you could go through.

AckwelFoley

I love to drink, but i also know it has a negative effect on me when depressed.

Its kind of a vicious circle. You feel depressed, you drink socially to make you feel better - esentially to put you in the good mood. But if you "crash" that night, you seriously crash. Booze is a depressant.

Try and avoid consumption of booze, particularly excessively.

BanzaiBk

^Same, suffer from an anxiety problem triggered after a serious illness and I've all but totally given up alcohol. My social circle and family circle means I exposed quite a bit to alcohol but I've learned that any amount be it little or large has a detrimental effect on how "ok" I feel.

LegacyUser

....any amount be it little or large has a detrimental effect on how "ok" I feel.

yeah, fair enough, if i go out drinking, i feel the crash for the next two days, but its no worse than when i used to go out pilling at the weekend, and have the crash on the monday/ tuesday,
i actually stopped taking pills with my friends, but for the next few days, id be going through worse siht than they were going through, id feel like i had done twice as much pills as them, without all the positive effects, but with all the after effects, and id say "fcukit, i may as well have taken ten, with what im feeling right now"

and thats what i really want to know, ive read that if you're taking anti-depressants, that theres no point in taking a few E's. but what effect do they have on a very anxious/ depressive person, whos not on medication?

but as i said, i think what works for me, is a good few pints, then the vodka and redbull..

jtsuited

doing E on antidepressants is a waste of time and money. and your jaw won't thank you for it.
seriously take it easy on the drinking. you're in a bad place right now with it. consider giving it up for a few weeks.
I've had to give up pretty much all drinking/drugs with my depression, and even if i have one beer now i realise how much it was fcuking me up. I used to drink like a fish and loved it but it did serious damage to my brain with regards my depression.

if you're feeling really anxious and depressed and you do pills, be prepared to feel far worse for days (even weeks) afterwards. you also will bring the chances of having a full on panic attack right up.

LegacyUser

Is this me? Is this life??

Im 25 now, is this how im going to be for the rest of my life? I don’t know how to be around people, this anxiety is killing me (not really, i wish it would though) I really havnt done anything in the last year, long story short, im on supplementary welfare allowance, waiting to see if i qualify for disability allowance, because of anxiety/ depression, and i should hear in the next week, and im feeling it’ll be a ‘no’ mainly because i am working

ive got no social life since i moved, got a job in a pub 3 months ago, working with family, and they were kinda stuck for someone, so i kinda had to go. Im home now for a funeral, and i was half thinking of making it a two-for-one deal, but i know i don’t have the balls to make that decision, so thatll never happen. (oh, ive thought about it, kill yourself on or near your birthday, and its only once in the year your family are reminded, (twice, Christmas aswell, but we cant avoid that) kill yourself when someone in your family dies, the grief your family feels wont be as much as the sum of two deaths, years apart) but i still don’t think i have the balls, i don’t make decisions, and life goes on


i really, really, REALLY don’t know what to do, i need to be taking something for this anxiety, and i need a place to be living in long-term to get seeing a psychologist, i don’t want to be moving after 3 or 6 months, and have to start it all again. I don’t want to be on medication where im working, im definitely thinking of leaving there anyway, i don’t want to move home to my parents. i was living in cork, and ive got a place to move back to, but only till mid September, then im not sure what’ll happen

gotta go to bed, havnt been drinking, was back at my gran’s house (R.I.P.) till 2, the funeral isn’t till Thursday morning,.......

Jumpy

First of all. Stop.
Seriously Stop for a few seconds and think.

I can see by your posts that you put yourself down severely. This says you have a fairly extreme negative image of yourself.

There is absolutely no point in this, people will accept (or reject - hey what can I say some people arent the nicest human beings) you based on you as a person, your looks will very rarely have an effect on this.

You need to identify the core of your low self esteem before you can sort yourself out and I highly recommend seeing a good counseller.

A GP worth his salt would also recommend this before prescribing anything. Its a tough thing to do to sit in front of someone explaining your feelings and worries, really tough, but after each session things will definitely start to improve.
People rarely have the ability to determine Why they feel a certain way. It sometimes takes explaining it to someone else for you to figure it out.

pookie82

Believe me, I know how easy it is for a sufferer of depression to put off going to the doctor, even for a repeat prescription. You mentioned a few times coming off medication because you just didn't bother to go back and get one re-filled. You now say that you don't want to be on medication in the job that you're in.... Why? Don't you think you'd be better able to cope on it than off???

I know it must seem hard that you're faced with taking pills everyday for a long period of time (maybe the rest of your life) to feel ok. But thousands... millions do it every day, for all kinds of reasons. If you had high blood pressure or heart disease or diabetes you wouldn't think twice about taking meds for it, but with depression there's a fear attached to being drug dependent (naturally) and a terrible shame in needing drugs to cope.

The way i see it, you have no quality of life without drugs. Surely any medication you go on can only ease the situation. An unwillingness to continue on prescribed drugs is not going to get you where you need to be. I know someone who suffers from depression and believe me, it can take a year and a half of meds to really feel the difference. In your case it may need to go hand in hand with therapy for a while.

Have you kicked the regular drinking? I'll bet if you did you'd realise the effect it was having on you in the first place. Don't underestimate the ability of alcohol on a regular basis to compound your illness. It sounds like you don't really have the type of friends you can come clean to. Have you tried? I'd recommend doing it one to one and alone or in a day time situation as opposed to slipping it into pub conversation as you suggested you might earlier. In a drinking atmosphere or in a group it'll be all too easy for a collective bunch to brush it off as they don't know how to respond, and this may come across as a reluctant awkwardness to talk about it at all. Approach someone you feel particularly close to. Their reaction might surprise you.

I know you're not too proactive at the moment in terms of getting out there but i know a person who had received great solace and comfort from aware meetings. try them, even if only once. It's easy to find the closest one to you (just google it). It seems like you're incredibly isolated (which is a huge issue with depression) and being in a room full of fellow sufferers might help you to take the action needed. You might even find an outlet for all the stuff you can't talk to anyone about now. I know how hard it would be to get out and do this, but what have you got to lose? it sounds like very little.

I'm very sorry to hear that you've had a bereavement. That can't be easy on top of eveything else. The thoughts of killing yourself near birthdays or other bereavements show you've clearly given it serious thought. But too many people who suffer with depression take their own lives and die thinking that no one else could ever understand what they're going through. I couldn't pretend to understand, but I know many people who could, and it's such a shame that you go on feeling you're the only one. Try the meeting. Go back on meds. Kick the alcohol. Talk to someone.

Give yourself a chance.