things that only happen in the movies..

watna

More in tv programmes then movies but women do not take their bras off when they're having sex because men are not interested in boobies (e.g. sex and the city and knocked up)

Dyr

One thing that always cracked me up was kris kristofferson in the last Blade flick...blasting his was through hordes of SWAT teams to set the self destruct code on all his workstations. Why didnt ye just network them ye tool? Now that i think of it...what about your off site back ups?


theres also the infamous kojack phenomenon as observed by the beastie boys...the hero can always pull up in his jammer AND park right outside a nightclub no matter how busy it is. He wont have to queue to get in either.


Also bad guys always die instantly when shot or stabbed. Unless they're the boss bad guy, then they'll live long enough for some dialogue.

Jesus Wept

watna wrote:

More in tv programmes then movies but women do not take their bras off when they're having sex because men are not interested in boobies (e.g. sex and the city and knocked up)

I am interested in b00bies.


b00bies forum ftw.

watna

bronte wrote:

Always wondered how that Jack Bauer never needed a tinkle

and he never eats but maybe he has a sandwich and an apple in his man bag!

Jesus Wept

watna wrote:

and he never eats but maybe he has a sandwich and an apple in his man bag!

man bag!? :eek:

It's a jack-pack.

How I wish I had 15 minutes alone with you and some hyoscine pentothal. :mad:













:p

watna

The-Rigger wrote:

man bag!? :eek:

It's a jack-pack.

How I wish I had 15 minutes alone with you and some hyoscine pentothal. :mad:












:p

sorry, I think he has a sandwich and an apple in his JACK PACK. Is that better?!

Jesus Wept

watna wrote:

sorry, I think he has a sandwich and an apple in his JACK PACK. Is that better?!

Yep.

Jesus Wept

watna wrote:

sorry, I think he has a sandwich and an apple in his JACK PACK. Is that better?!

Yep.

HAPPYGIRL

The-Rigger wrote:

Yep.

21 minutes later and you're still saying Yep, that would never happen in a movie!

Jesus Wept

watna wrote:

sorry, I think he has a sandwich and an apple in his JACK PACK. Is that better?!

Yep.

mcauley

admiralofthefleet wrote:

plus there is never any farting/scratching of bollox

funniest thing I've read in hours!!!!! lmfao!!!!:D

admiralofthefleet

admiralofthefleet wrote:

. plus there is never any farting/scratching of bollox

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6dm9rN6oTs

Overheal

Ruu wrote:

No matter how crappy and pixelated a surveillance video is, a few quick taps on the keyboard will bring you a pixel perfect print out of the suspect in question. O_o

thats not the worst: in Home Alone 3 they had a surveillance photo of a woman's shopping bag and they rotated around the bag in 3d and generated a computer model of what was inside the bag just from how the bag crinkled and made shadows.

Lets see:

- guns hold 3 to 10 times more ammunition in their clips than normal

- nobody ever suffers whiplash after a car chase

- marijuana becomes strangely hallucinegenic

- whatever you shoot: blows up

- Cops shoot people

- we landed on the moon

- everyone has breast implants

- people always have something interesting to say

- computer passwords are always the persons favorite person or pet and there is always a picture of them on the computer desk

- Ben stiller is cool.

- alien invaders can be thwarted by splashing them with water

- a half ton cyborg cop can run (well, walk slowly) on 4 Megabytes of RAM

- global warming = ice age

- kung fu masters can run up 30ft walls and have battles on flimsy bamboo branches

- someone can beat you to death with a 15 inch black rubber cock

- Kevin Spacey would say no to a virgin


only in the movies

tampopo

In court scenes, all witnesses are present in the court while other witnesses give evidence. In reality, each witness gives evidence individually, and the others are called into court as they are required. They never know what the previous witness has said.

Aswell as that Home Alone 3, 3D rotating imagry, there was something similar done in that film with Will Smith and Gene Hackman. Will Smith's childhood friend puts something in Will Smith's shopping bag surrepticiously. The cctv pictures rotate the bag 360 degrees and see what it is. Complete bs*

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120660/

Enemy of the State





*I think

Degsy

For some reason everybody who's phone doesnt work seems to think that repeatedly slamming thier finger on the cradle whilst shouting "operator,operator" will restore the connection.
Likewise somebody can pick up a phone and say "get me the president" without any major problems.

Terry

Newtons third law of motion: To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Accordingly gunshot victims are thrown back a distance in relation to how far away the shooter is. Somehow this does not apply to people shot by a sniper rifle though.

In reality, people just drop to the ground.

Degsy

At a house party there will ALLWAYS be somebody dressed as a gorilla.In some movies he meets a sticky end early on.

H.O.T.A.S.

A bomb can only be diffused in the last ten seconds of the count down.

Despite being armed with the latest firearms and aiming devices bad guys can't shoot for sh!t.

Every grocery store bag must have a baguette in it.

Contraception is never mentioned when the hero is getting his hole.

Everybody in New York lives in massive apartments.

There is always a constant supply of muscled brutish goons available for security in evil corporations.

Foreigners are bad guys.

It never rains in Washington DC.

The chief of police is always in a sh!tty mood.

Good guy’s car is impervious to clampers.

Shotguns have enough range to take out a satellite.

All gun shot wounds can easily be treated at home using a needle, thread, pliers and a bottle of scotch.

Degsy

The mayor never knows what he's doing and invariably g ets more people killed as he tries to safeguard his tenure.

cjt156

The hero never experiences pain as he gets knocked about by baddies; but winces as the heroine dabs at his facial abrasions in a quick pre-shag clean-up.

Degsy

Glasses-wearing children can hack into any computer system on earth including the US defence system and also the mother ship of the alien invaders.

rubadub

The hero is in bed lashing it into some young one- phone rings and it is the boss saying he must go kill some lad. Then he is up out of bed and clothed in a flash- and not a horn in sight. Must be some antiviagra nasal spray or something.

If you shoot a car- even the wing mirror- it will explode with a mushroom cloud.

3.5" floppies can hold 10GB,
CDs can hold 10TB.

Ardent

When you're lying in your bed in night, your entire room is visible with a strange blue shade to everything.

Edit: when you need to use a flash light it doesn't have any impact apart from a thin, weak-ass beam of light.

Degsy

People in bar-room brawls can survive being hit with bottles,chairs,pool cues,tables and chamber pots without any serious damage.

Agamemnon

When a villian points a handgun at the hero, the hammer is never cocked. The hero never realises this. After 30 seconds of dialogue, then the villian decides to cock it.

ScumLord

All cars have the same performance meaning a pick up truck can keep pace with a Ferrari.

It's ok to destroy property and kill as many people as you like as long as you have bad guys (dead or alive, usually dead) to point the finger at.

Bad guys always look like bad guys and good guys are always uber good.

beans

It is possible to digitally enhance an old grainy photograph or a traffic-camera image to the extent that you can count the hairs in the guy's earhole...

Agamemnon

Cops only arrive after the bad guy has already been killed by the hero.

American bars only serve one brand of beer (called "beer") and one brand of Scotch whiskey (called "scotch"). No matter how drunk the hero gets, he will sober up instantly when he gets an important phone call/sees something on the tv/etc.

Degsy

During ww2,german soldiers were completley useless and either allowed themselves to be mown down in droves by untrained americans or would surrender at the drop of a hat.Likewise 72 tonne,heavily armoured Tiger tanks can be destroyed by one man and a hand grenade.

Degsy

ALL phone numbers begin with the numbers "555".

ScumLord

The American government are always behind it or at least had a hand in/supported it. "it" always goes straight to the top, the most powerful people in DC where involved, even the President!

Degsy

ScumLord wrote:

The American government are always behind it or at least had a hand in/supported it. "it" always goes straight to the top, the most powerful people in DC where involved, even the President!

Not always.
Oftentimes its a renegade obliarch,dissafected right-winger,former KGB agent,dress-wearing psycho who lives in a stinking apartment,maniacal multi-millionaire who owns a hollowed-out volcano,or,in many cases bloke with glasses who has a grudge aginst society and has an english accent.

Dyr

when in a dogfight, the only surefire way to kill that pesky bandit on your six is to drop all flaps and suddenly decelerate causing him to overshoot right into your line of fire. They never suspect this and they certainly never just accelarate away and then pick you off at their own leisure now that your plane is a flying brick.

A stargate one: if you possess one of those stargates then the most secure location for it is not at the centre of a top security base, like those humans think, but rather out in the middle of a sodding field miles from anywhere with only a handful of guards to secure it. These guards must at all times keep their backs to the stargate.

Marksie

when the hero is wounded and lying on his back, there will always be a handy sharp piece of glass/ wood/ matchstick to stab the villain in the eye with. Who of course will always step within range to gloat over the victim

Degsy

All labs where monsters are created are fitted with a lever that will destroy the entire facility.The villian generally points this out at some stage,confident that the hero wont escape and pull it.

Lizzykins

And in the sex scenes it's never the time of the month and the girl always has a dead flat stomach,designer underwear and never ever has forgotten to defuzz!

Degsy

In certain kinds of disater movie,the hero is usually estranged from his wife,got a bit of a drink problem or is depised by his children.Saving the world is his chance to atone and redeem himself.

ScumLord

Lizzykins wrote:

And in the sex scenes it's never the time of the month and the girl always has a dead flat stomach,designer underwear and never ever has forgotten to defuzz!

Showgirls, strippers? That film with yourone from saved by the bell playing a showgirl in vegas. She's on the rag.

Degsy

Making out/and or smoking marijuana at a summer camp in the wilds of north america will get you killed very quickly by the caretaker-turned-psychopath who lives in the woods.

Dyr

Under no circumstances will being shot in the arm or leg prove to be fatal or even anything more than a mild inconvenience.

If the hero is shot in the shoulder it is permissible for him to black out and be presumed dead so long as he revives to intervene at a later and more crucial stage in the villians dastardly plan.

Protaganists in sword fights are required, by law, to lock swords at some stage and attempt to push each other back like rutting stags. it is considered bad form not to engange in banter/threats/insults during this stage of a sword fight. Also, your skinny litte rapier is perfectly capaple of bearing the villians entire body weight throughout the maneuvere. Note for later in the swordfight that all film chandeliers and curtains conform to IS0 9000 swashbuckling standards and can be swung from with gay abandon

Degsy

Truly evil "supervillians" are not permitted to dispatch the hero through conventional means ie a knife or a gun.Instead they rely on an untested "heath robinson" device which they leave in the hands of an inept flunky whilst they repair to a room with a giant map of the world on it.

The guy

Even in the most modern computer systems a mouse is never needed and a few arbitrary keystrokes will allow you to access any section of a computer system in 10 seconds. Even if the encryption should take 10 years to decode.

Dyr

According to the first law of movie door physics it will take a burly uniformed sergeant exactly three attempts to burst a locked door open with his shoulder. However the same locked door can be kicked open in one go by a plainclothes detective provided he's wearing cowboy boots.


Heroes can still get coverage on their mobile phones while driving in hot pursuit of baddies through tunnels.


Police stations never have nice coffee. Their occupants seem to accept this fact but never become used to the taste and will grimace with every mouthful.

Wheelchair bound cripples are a breezy bunch who are happy with their lot in the grand scheme of things. they also make excellent informants

Dyr

The guy wrote:

Even in the most modern computer systems a mouse is never needed and a few arbitrary keystrokes will allow you to access any section of a computer system in 10 seconds. Even if the encryption should take 10 years to decode.

i heard its because they always use macs.

Degsy

If the film is set in Ireland it will ususally c ontain the following:A priest,a village idiot,a broad-shouldered farm hand who has plenty of charm but no brains,a crone who wears widows weeds forty years aftre the death of her husband,a shrewd American who plans to buy the parish and build Condominiums,an imbecilic member of the guards,a brazen hussey,a long-skirt wearing beauty who keeps the shop,various heavy drinkers,a troublemaker and finally a hero..usually an american actor of the day who has no idea how to do an irish brogue.

Agamemnon

If the hero decides he'd love a nice, refreshing can of Coca-Cola™, he must hold the can in such a way that his fingers do not obscure the Coca-Cola™ logo and the camera must zoom in on the act of drinking for maximum dramatic effect.

Tragamin2k2

Degsy wrote:

If the film is set in Ireland it will ususally c ontain the following:A priest,a village idiot,a broad-shouldered farm hand who has plenty of charm but no brains,a crone who wears widows weeds forty years aftre the death of her husband,a shrewd American who plans to buy the parish and build Condominiums,an imbecilic member of the guards,a brazen hussey,a long-skirt wearing beauty who keeps the shop,various heavy drinkers,a troublemaker and finally a hero..usually an american actor of the day who has no idea how to do an irish brogue.

The field so....

Oliverdog

Note for later in the swordfight that all film chandeliers and curtains conform to IS0 9000 swashbuckling standards and can be swung from with gay abandon

Magnificent. Just before an elegant swallow dive out of the castle window into the moat 300ft below. And in the case of 'The Great Race', passing clean through a rowing boat suffering no head injury at all.

unreggd

Ah scrawny man can not only survive bein attacked by a gang of killers, but he cant buy a gun and kill them all as he has more precision after 20 mins of ownin a gun, than the gang would of 10 years exp

[Death Sentence]


Asian's are thrown in to be PC, even though they have american accents

Duckjob

Slasher killers always have to be killed at least twice, regardless of the method used to dispatch them. Heroines never wise up to this pattern, and always turn their back to the corpse after the first time to allow the killer to revive and sneak up for another attempt.