Men and Women - The Difference

barneysplash

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca and Gary

English
44A
SMU,
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller


In-class Assignment for Wednesday

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

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STORY:

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

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Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

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He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalising the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

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Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverise the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporised Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

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This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

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Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

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Assh*le.

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Bi*ch.

Sea Sharp

hehe, that's pretty good. 4starz

darkskol

good read

Senna

barneysplash wrote:

The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

well they did that anyway.:)
4 stars

The Bollox

seen it ages ago but it is legendary

barneysplash

19 Sure-Fire Ways To Know You're A Woman

You're a B*tch

When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "NO" then get pissed off when you are believed


Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour


Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening


Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "YOU’D BETTER COME VISIT MY PARENTS BUDDY OR I’M NEVER BL*WING YOU AGAIN!!"


Whine


If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is a lazy bastard.


No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend


If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you


If he gives you space, he is ignoring you


Complain


Hate any bar that he likes


Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc, these are required gifts proving his love.


Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress in your life (also, see number 7)


Remember that ANY woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labelled a WH*RE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible


Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs


Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2


Ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given.


Insert yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.