Dear Alcohol,

Enright

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and Text Messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night ?? And why would you make me text people that I don't actually want to know about but seem to be unable to stay away from??

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard. Washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips??
I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too far this time!!

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock !!!

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to STOP. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.
My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, Braed products & Aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, that the Hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities !!


ALCOHOL, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on Good Terms.
You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them IMMEDIATELY !!

I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3.30pm (Pre Big Friday's Happy Hour(s)) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership!!!

Thank You

Your Biggest Fan


P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're DRUNK...........
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're DRUNK...........
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-Aggresive Disorder
d) Transubstantiates

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're DRUNK................
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
b) Nope, NO MORE booze for me
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type
d) No Kebab for me , thank you
e) Good Evening Officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you
g) Oh, I just couldn't - No One wants to hear ME sing
h) Thank You, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a FOOL
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I just refuse to vomit in the street !!
j) I must be going home now , I have work in the morning !

That_Guy

Brilliant. Especially the last part.

jobonar

Very good!

fabsoul

lol very good.:D

r3nu4l

Very nice, I too loved the last bit