Halloween Horrors

mickrourke

Yes thats right it's that time of year again and there's nothing scarier than my jokes. So post em here if you are still here after reading these bad boys.


2 nuns were travelling through Transylvania in their car and it was a stormy night, the wind was howling when suddenly out of nowhere a tiny Dracula jumped onto the bonnet of the car and started scratching at the windscreen.
The driving nun turns to the passenger nun and says:
"Oh, God, what are we gonna do!!!!!"
Passenger Nun: "Turn on the Windscreen wipers, that'll get rid of him!"
So she turns on the windscreen wipers and the diminutive Dracula starts hissing even louder but manages to hang on.
Driver Nun: "It's no good, he's still there! What now?!"
Passenger Nun: "Turn on the Windscreen washers, I filled it up with holy water when we stopped in Rome"
So she turns on the windscreen washers and the skin starts to burn on his face and hands but he still manages to hang on
Driver Nun: "It's no good, he's still hanging on. What now??"
Passenger Nun: "Quick! Show him your cross!"
So the Driver nun rolls down her window, leans out and shouts
"Get the F*uck off my car!"

I was arrested the other day for stealing food from a supermarket whilst balancing on the shoulders of vampires. I got done for shoplifting on 3 counts.

So there I was walking down the road on a very stormy windy night and I saw this skeleton sitting on a gate.
I said, 'Cold night isn't it?'
'Sure is', replied the Skeleton, 'The wind would blow right through you'.

**grabs cape and disappears in a puff of smoke**

Hagar

Have you no shame? Here's some stars.

Zapp Brannigan

I love that nun one! More gems from you mick!

Fenix

First 2, top notch, 3rd... :S

Homer

What do hillbillies do at Halloween?

Pumpkin.

whiskeyman

An oldie, but a classic....

A man was walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night,

when behind him he hears:



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...




BUMP...







BUMP...






BUMP...





He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping










clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...





On his heels, the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps!!



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.



The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!



Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



and the coffin stops!!

kev_s88

i have never laughed so hard in my life!!!

nothing beats a good corny joke.and im so stealing that coffin joke. stars all round!

Homer

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when

one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started

choking.



Hans ran inside to get help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!"

I know I know.. I'll be off now....

Bryan1

Ok I'll give it a go


Why does everyone hate Dracula?

Beacuse he's a pain in the neck!!

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite


What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure