Updated Nursery Rhymes

The Hill Billy

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.


It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh ****, it's Global Warming.


Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.


Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have u got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
"Pies you dickhead."


Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.


Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.


Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.


Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

aidan_walsh

:d

FrCrilly

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pale of water,
I don’t know what they did up there,
but now they have a daughter.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
for some hanky-panky,
Silly Jill forgot her pill,
And now there’s little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,
To fetch her dog Rover a bone,
When she bent over, Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Mary had a little skirt, that was ripped right up the sides,
And every time she wore it, the boys could see her thighs,
Mary had another skirt that was ripped right up the front,
But she didn’t wear that one very often.

Little boy blew,…. Hey, he needed the money!

jobonar

Hill Billy wrote: »

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

ROFL!! Brilliant post

Mahatma coat

as I was going to saint Ives
I met a man

Who said

'F*(k do I get nagged'

forbairt

another few from memory ...


Mary had a little bear
It was the loving kind
and everywhere that mary went
she had a bear behind ...


Mary had a little lamb

...
...
...
with mint sauce

foxhunter

Mary had a little lamb
It had a touch of collic
She gave it brandy twice a day
And now it's an alcoholic

FrCrilly

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each with one pound fifty,
Jill came down with three pounds,
SLUT!!!!!!!

renmorescout

Oh Dear, Here we go.

Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleese was black as soot,
And into Mary's bread and jam,
His sooty foot he put !!

Hay diddle diddle,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bathroom mat.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
And piddled all over the cat!

foxhunter

My oul duck she swallowed a snail
and wasn't it a wonder
The horns of the snail grew out her tail
and bursted her assunder.

knighted_1

mary had a little sheep
and with that sheep she went to sleep
to her horror it was a ram
mary had a little lamb

Enright

mary had a little lamb
her father shot the ram

Capt'n Midnight

Mary had a little lamb
that tale we've heard before
but then she passed her plate along
and had a little more




There once was a man
not spinally erect
an unpoetic opening
but politically correct