My whole life seems to have turned to crap

LegacyUser

3 months ago I had a beautiful girlfriend a cool apartment some great friends a cool social life and a boring but low maintenance job.

Then I quit the job because I decided to pursue self employment. I had a bit saved and had some government grants I could get to help me get started, however these are taking longer and longer to get sorted and I’m currently living on about € 10- 20 a week.
On top of this I broke up with my girlfriend (back in September) because we realized that we had just grown apart and wanted different things but we got stuck living together as we can’t afford places separately.
Also I’m slowly losing touch with my friends because all they want to do is go out and get ridiculously wasted which I don’t ‘cos I’m not in a good place head wise with all this crap going on. Also I’ve fallen out with some of them over parties in my place, basically I live in town and my place is nice so normally after the pub we’d head back here but then they started just showing up and assuming they could stay over, which when you’re trying to sort out your head with break ups and self employment is not on. It was fine when it was like 1 or 2 of my close mates coming back but soon it was 10- 15 people every Thursday and Saturday and my girlfriend wasn’t hanging out with them and was getting really pissed as she’d have nowhere to sit in the mornings and when she got back from work and the place was a state so I eventually wound up having an argument with some of them and now they’re not talking to me.

Also since the girlfriend is now moving out I have to move someone else in to fill the rent or I lose the apartment, my only options are to move in with two friends who I know are really messy and effectively use their house as a second pub, which I’m not into. Move back to my parents and sort my head out which I really don’t want to do or just dump all of my stuff in my folks and go traveling and start over somewhere or even here at some point in the future.
The whole self employment things getting really messy, as I’m so stressed and wrecked all the time that I’m not giving it the attention it needs.

My original arrangement with the girlfriend was that we’d break up in January, like have one last Christmas together as a couple while she waited on a place to come free in her friend’s house and then we’d go our separate ways, this was all going fine and we had actually started getting on better as a broken up couple then we had in a long time it was great because the way I seen it I was remembering why I’d fallen for her in the first place and I was hoping it'd be an ok break and we wouldn’t be walking away going “what was I thinking!?”.
But since this has happened I don’t know what to do, We broke up well over 2 months ago and she started acting weird about a month ago, coming home really late and being very standoffish about me going out with her, she says she’s just decided to stop acting like a couple as there’s no point and that she just doesn’t love me anymore, which I took as a bit of a shock as she’d been all over me the week before. So my heads wrecked with that. Also her writing class teacher said she can move in with him which is a bit head wrecking as the guys pure sleaze he already left his wife for a girl in another class and the last thing I heard her mates saying was that if he heard we broke up he’d be all over her in a rash, but what can you do. I mean I’ve no right to be hurt and shouldn’t be jealous but I can’t help it.
Basically since then she’s started to be a very snide towards me and it’s now turning an amicable break up into a nasty one as were now constantly sniping at each other.

I go out and have girls come onto me but I’m just not really that into it and I’ve developed a constant low level anxiety, like if I’m talking to a girl I’ll be mad paranoid that I smell or I’m sweating too much or something which is weird because I used to be so confident. Also my ex was (and is) so funny and intelligent and beautiful the no one really compares which is so frustrating.
Basically the plan at the moment is that she’s moving in with him which is good in a way because it means she’ll be out of my life and I can just do the ostrich thing and stick my head in the sand and move on, I’m really torn between the putting off starting a business + going traveling for a month or so and just staying here and soldiering on.

Any help appreciated.
Thanks.

Electric

Go travelling it sounds like you really need to get away from it all and sort yourself out. Pick somewhere you'd like to go head off come home at Christmas and start the new year afresh!

While your on your travels you can really soul search and see if you want to set up your own business (I've seen first hand how much work and devotion it takes to get them off the ground and to keep them going)

If your own business isn't for you then take the time in the new year and see if there is something else you'd like to do...maybe a new course or something.

As for living in the same apartment as your ex....well that never works out! It sounds like she wants her own space and I mean this in a nice way but sharing the apartment is like living in the past and it's hard to move on from something like that.

Your "friends" that just randomly arrive on your doorstep don't really sound like friends at all. Sounds like you are better off without them!

Take some time out and find yourself a new direction. Travelling seems pretty good about now (plus now that it's so f*cking cold you could head off somewhere warm and balmy!!!)

thecleverone

Wow. You have a lot going on. Even from the structure of your post it seems that your head is all over the place.

Not even going to go into the whole ex-girlfriend situation, except to say that the relationship is obviously over, so you should concentrate on your life now and not hers.

So you need to decide what you want to do:

(1) Stay in your apartment and rent out one of the rooms (keeping independence)
(2) Move back in with your parents for the time being (saving money to invest in your new business)
(3) Go travelling for a while (clear your head and get ready for a new start)

It seems to me that you are stuck in a rut. With work, friends, business etc. I would recommend that you take some time out and use some of your savings to go travelling. Thats exactly what i did. I headed off to Australia on my own backpacking for 6 weeks. I met some amazing people there, had some amazing experiences, but most of all, i got my head back into a better place after a lot of soul searching and i knew what i wanted to do with my life and i wasn't going to let any b/s get in my way.

When i came back from travelling, i appreciated my friends an awful lot more (you don't know what you have till you miss them), and filtered through the ones that were actual true friends and ones that were "hanger on-ers". My mind was clear from all the pre-travelling stresses, so i started writing up a business plan for an idea that i'd been toying with for a couple of years. Business plan came together so easily with a clear head and one year down the line business is going well. You might argue that the money saved is for the business, but if you're not concentrating on the business, you may as well throw the money down the drain.

You won't magically get out of the rut you are in. You have to be pro-active and do something to get yourself out of it, and you'll be the better for it.

AngryBadger

I think we all hit a point in time where we feel like things aren't where they should be.

To me it sounds like you wanted to take control over some things in your life that weren't where you wanted them to be. And that's great, full marks there man, and fair play it takes stones to grab life by the balls and do that.

But, and it's a huge but, a lot of stuff is going to have to change with that. And a lot of that stuff isn't in your control.

Your problems with your friends are stemming from the fact that you're all in different places. You want to change thing, move yourself forward, but you're not even sure where you want to go. While your friends are hapy enough with things as they are. So you resent them for imposing on you when things are tough, and they resent the fact that you're making yourself unavailable. it's an impossible situation because no-one is jilting anyone, it's jsut an unfortunate fact of you taking control of your life. You'll find that, in time, things with your mates will level out. If you've fallen out with some of them I'd say try to contact them, try to forget whatever was said between ye, and try to meet up in some kind of neutral situation. Tell them your place is out of bounds because of stuff with your ex. That's as much as you can do and I think that in time they'll cop themselves on.

As for the ex. She's way out of line here. ok, ye broke up, and from what you say it sounds like a mutual thing. But maybe it wasn't so mutual on her side, or maybe it was and she simply can't take the inevitable difficulties of still living with your ex when you're single. Her moving out is a good thing. Unfortunately you can't do anything about whatever happens with her writing class teacher. If you haven't already I'd e inclined t sit her down and let her know what you're thinking. make it clear that you're not putting any pressure on her, but that you're concerned about this teacher, and after that it's her call.

The other stuff. All i can say is try to remember that the apartment is not something that ties you down, admittedly it's not ideal, but if you wanted to you could just sell the place on and look for another place when you're in a better position. I know that's a last resort, i'm just pointing it out ebcause if you keep that in mind it should take some pressure off you.

Moving back home. maybe it's not as bad as you think. There was a time when i needed to move home for about 9 months to sort some stuff out. Some ehad stuff, and some work stuff,. It's tough, and a difficult step, bt family are there to support each other, and it would take a lot of pressure off you, for a while at least. moving back home IS NOT a step backward, ad IS NOT a permanent thing.

Give yourself a break man, you're shouldering a lot of heavy stuff there, and it'll take time to work itself out.

Best of luc.

LegacyUser

Wow jesus thanks guys, that has actually really helped straighten out a lot of stuff in my head, i guess im still too close to everything to see the big picture, I'm giving serious consideration to just going traveling for a bit next year, I've a big contract after coming in which if it goes through would allow me enough to go traveling. your right bout the ex, it was me who initiated the break up and she seemed fine with it,didnt even think there was anything else too it in that respect but **** it no point dwelling on it, shes a big girl she can make her own desicions and after the 1st of december i dont have to worry bout it anymore, out of mind and such,
thanks again! you really helped.

ps if anyone else has an insight please post

hungryhippo

bigmess07 wrote: »

and I’m currently living on about € 10- 20 a week.
.

€2-3 a day? Why are you living on that? Can you not go on the dole for a couple of months? Or get help form parents/friends/sibs/etc?

SEPT 23 1989

move back in with your parents forget about the relationship,apartment etc and put your head down and focus on the business,it takes a hell of a lot of hard work and sacrifice being self employed and trying to get a business off the ground but when after a few years it starts coming together its a wonderfull feeling of achievment,the less distractions you have at this time the better.