Beauty and the Beast

Marksie

Dudara has already asked people to tone it down. If you cannot post constructively then be very careful what you say.

OP: Society can be shallow if you let it be. The cheerleader syndrome. You are well aware by now that allowing pure physical looks to determine your choice of partner is only pandering to the shallowness inherent in yourself and your friends.
You are more concerned with how your friends sneer rather than what is important. How this guy made you feel.

You may very well end up bitter and disappointed if you continue judging people by looks alone and pandering to the whims of your friends.

You may very well find yourself missing out on things which would have been wonderful experiences and then be looking back at a procession of "beautiful" people who are shallow, insecure and determined to have repeated behaviour patterns which will leave them just as bitter, just as aloof and just as self important.

So physically he wasn't model status, but he had one thinsg that transcended that, he had something in and of himself that you found deeply alluring and attractive.

So what did you do? capitualte to your friends jibes and teach yourself not to have any feelings for him. Rather than letting go and see where it went, you ruthlessly stamped out any of the positives.

sobriquet

SoShallow wrote: »

I appreciate why you're being so harsh. I must sound like a complete bitch, I'm not really I just focus too much on appearances. I judge evrybody by the way they present themselves pyhsically. I didn't even realise until right now how awful that is. Your right, I do have some growing up to do. I'm 29 aswell so I should really know better.

You'd hate me so. Even if I go out of my way to dress up, I look like a scruffy person stuffed into dressy up clothes. It's unintentional, and as I'm getting on into my twenties I'm trying not to succumb to it, but it has a sometimes useful side effect: it acts a something of a bull**** filter, specifically filtering out people who judge everyone by the way they present themselves - you. Point being, as long as you're doing that you're lacking some things people should have developed in adulthood - sympathy and empathy. You've no idea what a person is made of, what they've been through or experienced the way you're going. It's a defective way of dealing with the world.

+1 to metaoblivias' post. The bloke in question has pretty much nothing to do with your issue. It's your friends and how you and they perceive the world. As long you let your friends (or acquaintances, or random people who you don't know but are imagining their opinion) influence you, you'll be miserable. It takes nothing to cast a negative judgment on something or someone, and as long as you and friends are playing these games, you'll never be happy. They (or you) will always find fault because there is always fault, we're all imperfect.

By the way, you couldn't have any bloke you wanted. At least, you're not universally attractive to blokes. You'd be amazed at the degree to which a particular woman might have some of a group of blokes falling over themselves, and the rest going 'meh'.

mikemac

You're 29 OP.
As stated before, in 10 years you will be far from as attractive as you claim to be and no amount of spa treatments or facials can can solve this.
In fact, you're already on a downward slope.

While this guy will still have a fantastic personality.

I wonder who's been hard done by so.

earlyevening

You sound awful. There's a strong chance you'll get left left on the shelf I'd say or stuck in an unhappy marriage. I hope I'm not unfortunate enough to come across you.
Miss Donegal?? Reminds me so much of the Lovely Girls contest on Father Ted. What a pathetic thing to hang your ego off. You probably won it 10 yrs ago. Move on.
I'm getting more frustrated and angry by the second as I type...

dudara

earlyevening banned for one week for failing to heed repeated warnings to tone down replies.

PM me or another mod in one week to rescind ban.

m83

metaoblivia wrote: »

OP, I think you must be very insecure to place such importance on what others think of you. It's okay to want a partner that you find attractive. But it sounds to me like you're letting other people's view of what's attractive dictate whom you date.
You may well be very attractive, but that's not the issue here, and neither is the attractiveness of this guy. The issue is your own insecurity and lack of confidence in your ability to make decisions for yourself. As long as you keep seeking the approval of others, you're never going to be happy.

+1

OP read this reply and wheh you're finished it go back to the start and read it all over again. I was going to post the same thing but got beaten to it

And people, ease off on the abuse. I don't think the OP is actually making a conscious decision to be shallow the fact that she wanted to date the guy in the first place proves this. She just sounds very insecure to me.

Dudess

micmclo wrote: »

You're 29 OP.
As stated before, in 10 years you will be far from as attractive as you claim to be and no amount of spa treatments or facials can can solve this.
In fact, you're already on a downward slope.

Sorry, but we're all on a downward slope already, no matter what age we are. Please don't use the sexist, ageist "you're a woman, you'll lose your looks in your 30s" line to tell the OP what's what. I'm not having a go at you personally but I just find that notion appalling because a) it's not always true and b) men don't seem to get that sh*t thrown at them half as much. To state that a 39-year-old woman is going to look "far" from how attractive she was at 29 is... to me, quite offensive. 59, fair enough, but 39 - that's just not true.

OP, a beautiful-looking guy minus a decent personality is seriously unattractive.

binhead

why everybody gotta bash her so bad?

At least she's honest, a little too honest maybe but honest.

You sound like a nice person trapped in the body of zoolander. You also sound like you've taken alot from all these replies so hopefully you'll go into work and do what you know you gotta do, ask the lad out and see what happens. You're friends will come round and if they don't then good luck to them.

You said you feel bad about being so shallow? well thats a start!

anyways, Good luck.

myname.

Idbatterim

hang on a sec, the OP is getting some harsh treatment, I wouldnt exactly agree with the whole "leagues" thing, but some people are far more physically attractive than others. How many very good looking lads would settle with someone from what the Op has described as below average? answer? almost none. Everyone evaluates what their priority in a partner is and no matter how nice someone is or funny, if you dont find them physically attractive what is the point? We have turned into a selfish people, who dosnt want the best of everything? the best looking bf or gf, and especially for girls to out do each other in the bf stakes...

Reku

Ok, the only points I'll make are:
1. As I always try to explain to people who don't understand why I'm not bothered about physical "beauty", one mistep at a traffic crossing and bye-bye good looks, perhaps even life. Considering how easy it is for someone to die suddenly would you rather have some pretty pictures to look at afterwards or memories of how great they were and how much you loved them and they loved you? For me, as long as there's nothing in their appearance that would indicate problems, present or future, with their health (morbid obesity, size 0, bits well outside the normal span of bodily proportions, that sort of thing) I couldn't care less.

JoeyNormal wrote: »

Some of my friends are dating girls that I do not find attractive in the slightest - completely not my type but I respect the fact that they are attractive to my mates and would never be so rude as to insult them based on how they look. The thing is if someone's nice and treat my friends (guys and girls) well and make them happy then who the **** am I to comment on how they look? It's ridiculously rude and really really immature.

This links to my second point:
I thought there was supposed to be some sort of code among girls that unless you know something about the guy a female friend fancies/is dating treating former partners badly or being gay you don't say a thing against him unless the girl who fancies/is dating him starts pointing out flaws first?

JoeyNormal wrote: »

I know many girls that are the 'looks are most important' type and you see them getting hurt over and over because they judge people solely on how they appear. I'm not saying looks aren't important but there's lots of different types. I have had girlfriends that I found (and still find) amazingly sexy and gorgeous and other people wouldn't see it at all. Doesn't matter a flying **** to me as long as we're happy, that's all that matters.

Dudess wrote: »

Sorry, but we're all on a downward slope already, no matter what age we are. Please don't use the sexist, ageist "you're a woman, you'll lose your looks in your 30s" line to tell the OP what's what. I'm not having a go at you personally but I just find that notion appalling because a) it's not always true and b) men don't seem to get that sh*t thrown at them half as much. To state that a 39-year-old woman is going to look "far" from how attractive she was at 29 is... to me, quite offensive. 59, fair enough, but 39 - that's just not true.

The above part of JoeyNormal's post is a large part of why, for years the mantra has been that girls are not shallow, lads are, which TBH is the biggest load of BS ever. Fact is girls are just as shallow as lads, moreso in some ways as lads know that their mates will probably find something to ridicule them over with regards their new partner/relationship so there's a bit less of the concern of impressing the mates, girls regularly seem to dwell far to much on "will he impress my friends". As a result of that mantra that men are shallow but women are not there is a far more negative view upon a woman aging.
Throw in the shorter fertile part of their lifespan, women (in general before someone gets offended) even today finding wealth a particularly attractive "quality" in a man (older a man is more money & assets he is likely to be earning and to have saved) and you can see why the fact that it gets harder to attract a member of the opposite sex via looks as you get older is more regularly brought up with respect to women but not men.

Beruthiel

SoShallow wrote: »

I'm not really I just focus too much on appearances. I judge evrybody by the way they present themselves pyhsically.

You have no idea on what you are missing from life, in fact you are actually missing the whole point of it.

When meeting people, I judge them on how they are around me and others.
I've no interest in what they look like or what they do for a living. I'm interested in whither or not they can make me laugh or have something interesting to say, whither they have lived a life of adventure and interest and what insight they have gained from that.

Surrounding yourself with people like the above, who are full of life and what it has to offer them enriches your own life ten fold. It's what life is about imo.
As I've said before, beauty fades, but a wonderful, caring, loyal, sincere person will be the same when they are 60 as they are now.

At 29 it's time to look deep within and start changing your outlook. Pull yourself up if you catch yourself judging appearances and instead listen to what they have to say. It will take time to do that but the result will be life changing.

dudara

Beruthiel wrote: »

At 29 it's time to look deep within and start changing your outlook. Pull yourself up if you catch yourself judging appearances and instead listen to what they have to say. It will take time to do that but the result will be life changing.

Very well said.

Dragan

SoShallow? wrote: »

Am I being ridiculous or can anyone see where I'm coming from?Also, how can i block out what they said and like him again??
I'll hold my hands up and admit that I know i'm way out of his league and i'm concerned of the looks were gonna get walking down the street together. I know i shouldn't care what complete strangers think but it's putting me off him big time, poor guy.

Thanks

Hmmmmm , if you are so easily led then i would refute your statement that you can have any guy you want. It seems you can only have any guy your friends think you should have.

If you like the guy then go for it and ( as politely as i can say this ) **** your friends, they sound like a bunch of cabbages anyway.

I think maybe you might be just a little bit hung up on the whole looks thing, but if you feel it's going to be an issue then i suggest you just leave this dude alone.

He really doesn't need the interest from someone that shallow.

If it helps i don't think your shallow because your hung up on looks so much as i think your shallow for being led so easily by the opinions of others.

Girrrrseach

SoShallow? wrote: »

I'll hold my hands up and admit that I know i'm way out of his league and i'm concerned of the looks were gonna get walking down the street together.

Love, get over yourself. He deserves better than you, not the other way around.

dudara

Girrrrseach Take it easy. I've already banned one poster for failing to tone down their comments and post constructively.

dudara

Niamho!

i reckon its a piss-taker. has to be....nobody can be like that.....can they?

LadyE

Hopefully its a piss taker.

The poor bloke ever having met you!

Lets see if the "former Miss Donegal" comes back and hopefully she would have taken the prev posters excellent advice!

Blackpitts

LadyE wrote: »

Hopefully its a piss taker.

The poor bloke ever having met you!

Lets see if the "former Miss Donegal" comes back and hopefully she would have taken the prev posters excellent advice!

she already did (post #35 ) and confirmed that she got the point, don't worry.

LegacyUser

Well, I can't believe the reaction this problem has caused. I understand that basing my opinions of people on how they look is shallow and immature and ironically that actually makes me higly unattractive.
I think the majority of posters have been very hard on me so thanks to Dudara and anybody else who defended me. At least I was honest and said what half of you are probably thinking alot of the time.
Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

dudara

Niamho!, LadyE This is a final warning directed at you and all other posters. Please pay heed to the fact that we have asked posters to post constructively and not personally attack the OP. Read threads in full before replying.

dudara

FutureGuy

SoShallow? wrote: »

Hi Guys,

I've recently fallen for a guy that I work with and I'm pretty sure he likes me too. When I initially saw him I didn't rate him very highly in the looks department but as I got to know him i discovered that he's a really cool guy and is hilarious. He has the whole office in stitches the entire time and that's a very attractive quality to me.
Anyway, not being big headed but I'm a former Miss Donegal and have been told i could get any guy I want - the guy I want is him. Trouble is, a gang of us went for drinks after work last Satyrday and a bunch of my friends joined us. When I pointed him out to my friends they were all shocked. They all kinda smirked and made remarks like 'You can do so much better', 'Why are you settling for a minger like him' and 'What the hell are you thinking!!'.
These comments really hurt because I like him so much but knowing that my friends find him horrible looking is bothering me.
I know alot of people are probably going to say that I shouldn't care what other people think and I should stop being so shallow but the fact is it's bothereing me. I came into work yesterday and he's no longer attractive to me because I keep picturing my friends laughing at my choice of guy.
Am I being ridiculous or can anyone see where I'm coming from?
Also, how can i block out what they said and like him again??
I'll hold my hands up and admit that I know i'm way out of his league and i'm concerned of the looks were gonna get walking down the street together. I know i shouldn't care what complete strangers think but it's putting me off him big time, poor guy.

Thanks

Firstly, if your friends were really friends, they would see you really liked this guy and should encourage you to go out with him, not the opposite.

Secondly, regarding your comment in the latest post that other people would turn down unattractive people in the night club, this is a totally different kettle of fish. You know this guy, you have seen what type of person he is and you know that you have an attraction to him that is not some shallow infatuation.

My dear, no doubt you are very attractive, but it seems to me like you have two choices.

1) Follow your friends advice and go away with some 6"4' hunk that gets their "seal of approval".

2) Give the guy a chance...you never know how happy he could make you.

muppetkiller

SoShallow? wrote: »

Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

This is not a relevant point to your original post. You stated that you liked the guy and subsequently disliked him based on your friends opinions of his looks. That's what everyone was complaining about (I think )

Blackpitts

SoShallow? wrote: »

Well, I can't believe the reaction this problem has caused. I understand that basing my opinions of people on how they look is shallow and immature and ironically that actually makes me higly unattractive.
I think the majority of posters have been very hard on me so thanks to Dudara and anybody else who defended me. At least I was honest and said what half of you are probably thinking alot of the time.
Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

I owe you the fact that you were 100% honest, however you have also written that your friends are jealous of your look and you want to make them jealous of everything, including your bf.
So, it's not really like dumping an ugly guy in a disco, that's much more.
You just said you are jealous when your friend is with a handsome guy, but people are not accessories, a good looking fella is not like a LV handbag.
But my point is: are you sure that this is the right attitude for you to be happy in your life? I'm sure you are realizing it is not.

Reku

SoShallow? wrote: »

Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??

Actually I can as I've haven't the looks or a particularly approachable initial personality. For the most part I only ever aim to be friends unless I start to have feelings for the girl. As such there have been few who've asked me and only one I turned down, simply due to the fact that I'd feelings for another and TBH I felt it was just down to peer pressure that she asked due to the rest of the class for the course going on and on about what a cute couple we'd make.
I suppose in a way that raises the point of if your friends went on about some guy they thought you should date would you do so regardless of your own impressions of him? Peer pressure remains a powerful force for many throughout their lives so it's really up to you as to how much you want to let others run your life for you.

But anyway hopefully, regardless of why you initially ask him out, you'll manage to find someone you can feel at ease with and not care what others think of him, just that you love him.

Magic Pips

SoShallow? wrote: »

Well, I can't believe the reaction this problem has caused. I understand that basing my opinions of people on how they look is shallow and immature and ironically that actually makes me higly unattractive.
I think the majority of posters have been very hard on me so thanks to Dudara and anybody else who defended me. At least I was honest and said what half of you are probably thinking alot of the time.
Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

I think i'm not totally unlike the OP, we all need to be attracted to someone. Just the point the OP might be missing is being attracted to someone and someone being "beautiful" are two very different things. I'll fancy stereo-typically beautiful women, but then really properly fancy the girl next door, or the co-worker who is normal looking but does this thing with her nose, or is just so cool...

btw i dont consider myself good looking at all, 6/10 maybe, but i dont let that worry me - someone out there reckons im a 10! lol

dont mind what your friends think, ask him out and see what happens.

best of luck

sobriquet

SoShallow? wrote: »

Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

As others have pointed out it's entirely not the same thing. As Blackpitts said, rejecting someone because you're not attracted to them (no one needs to be ugly to be unattractive) is not at all the same thing as treating someone as an expensive accessory you can use to inspire jealousy in your mates.

Your defensiveness is understandable - but there's some good advice and insight here, don't dismiss it out of hand because of the snarkier comments. (Including mine possibly, though no snark was intended.)

metaoblivia

SoShallow? wrote: »

Well, I can't believe the reaction this problem has caused. I understand that basing my opinions of people on how they look is shallow and immature and ironically that actually makes me higly unattractive.
I think the majority of posters have been very hard on me so thanks to Dudara and anybody else who defended me. At least I was honest and said what half of you are probably thinking alot of the time.
Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

Your comparison isn't valid. You posted because you started to see beyond on the surface of a coworker and started developing an attraction to him based on his personality. When you pointed him out to your friends, they laughed. You were attracted to this man, but you let your friends' opinions override your own - that's the issue. If I see a guy at a club and I'm not attracted to him, then that's my own decision. Even if my friends think he's the greatest thing ever, if I'm not attracted to him it doesn't matter. They don't influence my love life. From your posts, you seem to need the approval and jealously of others to feel good about yourself. You want a gorgeous man to hang off of your arm so that your friends will be jealous. To me, that comes across as very insecure, and since you put so much emphasis on looks, I wonder, do you feel as though you have anything else to offer in a relationship besides looks?

Dragan

SoShallow? wrote: »

Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

You haven't rejected anyone because you thought they were ugly, you allowed your mind to be changed by your friends and there is a considerable difference there.

Obviously you were attracted to this dude for whatever reasons, listening to the opinions and judgements of your friends has swayed your train of thought.

There is nothing wrong with this guy that in your opinion wasn't a problem before, it's just your friends think it is so now you have allowed yourself to believe that.

That is what i would have issue with more than anything. Be your own person and do what you want to do....... real friends should just want to see you happy.

syklops

Is there anything wrong with wanting a really hot partner who your proud of though?
I'm always jealous when one of the girls has a hot guy on her arm and I suppose I wanna make them jealous of my guy. They are all envious of my looks so I want them to be envious of everything I have even my boyfriend.

No there is nothing wrong with wanting a hot partner. But as most people in loving relationships will tell you, the ideal is to have a partner who you are proud of what ever they look like. While my girlfriend will probably not win the Miss Krakow competition any time soon, I am proud of her and love her to bits. And Im never embarassed to have her on my arm when I go out, in fact Im usually proud to have her with me, because she is terrific.

Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

Yes I can. I have rejected girls because they were unattractive to me. And I have rejected them because they were a b1tch. As many of the girls who I thought were unattractive, were considered very attractive by one of my friends. And some of the girls I have checked out made my friends cringe.

I have also rejected girls who looked down their nose at me because I was "Out of their league". No matter how hot they were that attitude is an instant turn off.

It is partly down to the way they look. Its partly down to their air of confidence, and it is also partly down to smell. If you dont believe me, check out the Robert Winston "Human Body" episode about sex, its a real eye opener.

Im A Hotmail

You're 29, good looking and SINGLE.. think about this next time you meet that guy and ask yourself, is what your friends think more important than being happy.

justsomebloke

SoShallow? wrote: »

I've recently fallen for a guy that I work........................I have been told i could get any guy I want - the guy I want is him

SoShallow? wrote: »

Can anybody here honestlt hold their hand up and say that they've never rejected a guy/girl in a pub, club or anywhere else because they thought they were ugly??
That's right, you all have. I just had the guts to admit to it.

You are getting things mixed up here. When people reject people in a nightclub based on looks, that is all they are basing it on and you will reject them without ever getting to know them and it is THEM that is making the decision.

You, however, have already stated that this was the man YOU wanted, you had already gotten past the part were looks didn't matter however you then let other people determine if this was the person for you without you even giving it a go to see if he was right for you or not. There is a whole lot of difference between the 2 so don't try kid yourself that they are the same thing

l3LoWnA

Just go for it! Forget your so called friends opinions. Try and realise that envy and jealousy are NOT good feelings to try and bestow upon ANYBODY especially your friends. I feel deep down (if you're not a troll) you're trying to see the light....a bit?! But for gods sake, gear yourself up for the fact that this "ugly" but funny guy may not want anything to do with you......being told (by shallow friends and family or whoever) that you could have any man, doesn't mean that you actually can.....it's a thing people say to boost their friend's confidence. NOBODY can have their pick - absolutely nobody, regardless of looks or personality or anything!

I don't know how you could have a good relationship with this man though, with your attitude already being that you're WAY out of his league and he is not good looking etc....doesn't there have to be a mutual attraction there for a relationship to work?! For me, there does!

Do you fancy him? (not your friends, not the general public) When he makes YOU laugh, do YOU fancy him? Genuinely!? If the answer is yes, then ask him out but for gods sake lose the whole I'm-out-of-your-league attitude or you'll be approaching him like a do-gooder with a bowl of spaghetti to a starving orphan!!!! That won't go down too well!

Lothaar

Meh. If you did get with him, I expect he'll find you to be high-maintenance, shallow and annoying and he'll hate all your friends. It's just not meant to be. Forget about him and move on.

K_P

Oh my God woman, you're 29! How long do you plan on defining yourself as Miss Donegal? (Tell me, was it your sandwich-making or "lovely laugh" that won you that?) And wanting to make your friends jealous of you? Aren't people supposed to grow out of that by the time they're 15?

You're right of course that people turn down advances because the person isn't their type, or to put it more bluntly, they think they're ugly. But that's in pubs and clubs where all you have to go on is looks. You know this guy, you like him. Yet you're going to dismiss him simply because your friends (who by the sounds of things seem more interested in one-upmanship than actually being friends) don't think he's all that.

You've called the thread Beauty and the Beast. Which one is which exactly?

Ayla

I'll put in one more (slightly different) comment here -

OP - If you do get a date w/ this guy, and saying you even have a relationship with him, what happens when one day it slips that you started this thread? When somehow he finds out what your friends said about him and how you allowed those comments to change your attraction to him?

How do you imagine that will make him feel? When suddenly he finds out that you believe he's "out of his league" and that you've had to come to grips with having a comparitively ugly person on your arm?

How beautiful do you think he'll find you then? :rolleyes:

Ayla

And OP - regarding your rebuttal that we've all dismissed people we're not attracted to in pubs/clubs/etc. Well of course people do. As many posters have mentioned, it's natural to be attracted to some traits and not others, and of course we will select who we pursue based partially on whether we find them physically appealing.

But, again as others have said, that's completely different from what you've done. You already made up your mind that you liked him, regardless of his physical appearance, then you completely changed your tune when your "friends" made fun of him. Then you decided that, in fact, you are too good for him and would rather have someone you're "proud of on your arm". So that is what most posters are having problems with.

Lux23

OP- If you keep thinking that you must find everything about a man attractive to date him you will end up alone. Its as simple as that. People can argue that you are shallow etc etc but you are the only person your shallowness is really hurting.

KilbarrackBlows

I think you shold get your self a knife ok ?
ask your friends what they think of him again looks wise
then cut there faces up and then ask them to ask you what you think of there looks !

Spoony2

wow,

Every one seem's to be jumping on the band wagon of OMG your so harsh etc.

but no one has noticed two things she's openly admited that she base's a lot about attraction on looks

and she also know's how is bad, but having said all that she's showing she does have honesty now id personally count that as something....


Maybe you should look at this

1 your friends wont allways be around.
2 do you live your life bye what your friends say or what you want?
3 Do you want to be Happy?
4 do you have more to gain with some brad pitt look alike or with a mr bean look alike?
5 think about who you are as a person and do you like it ?

good luck......

SpAcEd OuT

Jesus don't see what the big problem here is

I would never EVER go out with a girl who wasn't up to my standards physically. I don't care if she is the funniest wittiest person ever, if I don't find her attractive there is no way I would ever consider it. I'm completely shallow and I'll admit that but I will say is this..

This guy sounds like a great guy and I now its a bit hypocritical coming from me but give him a chance, sounds like he deserves it. I'm 20 I have time to grow up at 29 you should be well on your way at your age you should be looking for so much more than just looks

Dudess

You must be an absolute ride.

You could be surprised though - some day a girl who isn't gorgeous might be the one you just can't get out of your head.

I missed out on THREE relationships with guys who I turned down because I wasn't physically attracted to them. When they all started to go out with other girls, I was so jealous.

Keep an open mind.

Zulu

KilbarrackBlows wrote: »

I think you shold get your self a knife ok ?
ask your friends what they think of him again looks wise
then cut there faces up and then ask them to ask you what you think of there looks !

ban, ban ban-ban

Latchy

Dudess wrote: »

I missed out on THREE relationships with guys who I turned down because I wasn't physically attracted to them. When they all started to go out with other girls, I was so jealous.

Keep an open mind.

So true ,same here due to my fussyness and relationships aside, i think of all the fun /sex i missed out on

keep an open mind indeed

Marksie

KilbarrackBlows : Banned for a particularly nasty post advocating violence
3 Months

The Sweeper

There's a degree to which I really believe a person's attractiveness will overcome any reservations you have about them. And that doesn't mean their looks.

There is a degree to which you can disregard the attitudes of friends and/or family. And there's a degree to which you can't. Anyone having a relationship with you will, by extension, have a relationship with your friends and your family and your colleagues. All of these people are in your life.

Picture you and this bloke together. You're out with your mates. Are you confident that he'll be able to win them around? Do you look at him and think "they made a snap judgement on you, but I'm certain you're going to have them all eating out of your hand in half an hour".

Picture you and him and your family together. How are they going to react to him initially, and can you see that initial reaction, if negative, changing?

I have two older brothers who are real "manly men". They're both six foot, good looking blokes. They're nearly 10 years older than me. They both work good jobs, (actually one of them's retired early but that's neither here nor there) plus they do housework, both of them can cook and they're both good at DIY.

In otherwords, for their respective partners, I'm sure their respective social circles consider them "good catches". Both have reasonably good relationships with their respective families-in-law too.

For years I had a problem bringing blokes home, because the basic standard of requirement my brothers had was "Job? Cook? Cleans up? Drives? Has a brain? Can put up a shelf?" Plus they'd even size up to the bloke, all six foot of them. You'd be ASTONISHED how many apparently datable blokes don't tick all of those boxes. (And ended up running screaming.)

My husband doesn't do much in terms of cooking, cleaning or DIY. And he's five foot seven. The difference is that he has always, always held his own with both of my brothers. He isn't a sheep and he doesn't expect to be led, and it's his own confidence and intelligence that allowed him to find a level with them. One of them started on him really bitchily before we moved to Australia actually, and himself rose above it completely. He expressed his annoyance, but he didn't start a row saying "Your brother is a prick and you're never to speak to him again and frankly I'M never speaking to him again either, the arsehole." In due course, that disagreement has blown over.

There are many levels on which someone is a good prospective partner for you, no matter how attractive they are. If you can't see them with your friends or your family, dig further into WHY you can't see them that way, and you may realise you don't actually find them that attractive at all.

MagicMarker

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

There's a degree to which I really believe a person's attractiveness will overcome any reservations you have about them. And that doesn't mean their looks.

There is a degree to which you can disregard the attitudes of friends and/or family. And there's a degree to which you can't. Anyone having a relationship with you will, by extension, have a relationship with your friends and your family and your colleagues. All of these people are in your life.

Picture you and this bloke together. You're out with your mates. Are you confident that he'll be able to win them around? Do you look at him and think "they made a snap judgement on you, but I'm certain you're going to have them all eating out of your hand in half an hour".

Picture you and him and your family together. How are they going to react to him initially, and can you see that initial reaction, if negative, changing?

I have two older brothers who are real "manly men". They're both six foot, good looking blokes. They're nearly 10 years older than me. They both work good jobs, (actually one of them's retired early but that's neither here nor there) plus they do housework, both of them can cook and they're both good at DIY.

In otherwords, for their respective partners, I'm sure their respective social circles consider them "good catches". Both have reasonably good relationships with their respective families-in-law too.

For years I had a problem bringing blokes home, because the basic standard of requirement my brothers had was "Job? Cook? Cleans up? Drives? Has a brain? Can put up a shelf?" Plus they'd even size up to the bloke, all six foot of them. You'd be ASTONISHED how many apparently datable blokes don't tick all of those boxes. (And ended up running screaming.)

My husband doesn't do much in terms of cooking, cleaning or DIY. And he's five foot seven. The difference is that he has always, always held his own with both of my brothers. He isn't a sheep and he doesn't expect to be led, and it's his own confidence and intelligence that allowed him to find a level with them. One of them started on him really bitchily before we moved to Australia actually, and himself rose above it completely. He expressed his annoyance, but he didn't start a row saying "Your brother is a prick and you're never to speak to him again and frankly I'M never speaking to him again either, the arsehole." In due course, that disagreement has blown over.

There are many levels on which someone is a good prospective partner for you, no matter how attractive they are. If you can't see them with your friends or your family, dig further into WHY you can't see them that way, and you may realise you don't actually find them that attractive at all.

off topic, your brothers sound like utter morons:)

OP: I think you should do this guy a favour and leave him, because he doesn't really deserve this. He deserves a girl that thinks the world of him, and you obviously don't.

JJJJNR

Is no one concerned about the fact that these two work together, recipe for disaster IMO.

Otherwise it sounds like a match made in heaven, your friends should be happy for you no matter what, I guess only the OP knows the answer.

I know of mates that are very good looking and are with different girls every weekend, and have difficulty being with one girl for any longer than two weeks, and have ended up having affairs, turning bi, and getting hooked on drugs. So just cause a guy is hot dosent mean hes a good bloke, or the right one.

I wouldnt consider myself good looking, but I know my GF is very hot (scarlet johanson lookalike), and she loves me cause I make her laugh and we're hot together, im her cream she's my coffee.

Gemini Sister

OP, I feel your pain (they're a pack of meanies in here!)

I too am reasonably hot.

A few years back I fell for man who was not as hot as me. There were times, initially, when I was a bit embarassed walking down the street with him. My friends jaws dropped in disbelief when they met him. He was short, had a weak chin, beady eyes and a potbelly. On his way to being bald too. But I got over it cause he was HILARIOUS. Unfortunately he left me and broke my heart after a few months cause although a total minger he was also a knob. However he was soon snapped up by a succession of other beauties.

The moral of the story is... the 'power balance' between people can change really quickly. His looks may be the least of your worries.
AND if I see a stunner/minger combo I think the stunner must be a cool person to get over the looks and the minger must have an incredible personality... it reflects well on both.

If you start dating him in a few months you won't even notice his physical failings (a paper bag works too). Sexiness is nothing to do with looks either.

Beware other girls! I had a mate a few years ago who kept telling me I was better than the guys I was with. In time I copped on and stopped 'sharing' so much with her. I realised she wanted me to stay single cause she was jealous and wanted a bar stool buddy to go on the pull with. Girls can be really treacherous.
Also people will react to your partner any way you want them to - present him as Brad Pitt and they will react to him that way. Stop asking their opinion!

BTW no one can get anyone they want. One man's treasure is another's trash and all that. Oh and don't mind the scaremongering about age. If you're really beautiful you'll still be beautiful at fifty!

Enjoy the date!

Lockstep

Beruthiel wrote: »

He'll still have you laughing when your sixty, you won't have your looks.

Possibly the wisest post I've read in a while

Dudess

Gemini Sister wrote: »

I too am reasonably hot.

A few years back I fell for man who was not as hot as me.

:rolleyes: Seriously, do you have to say sh*t like that? I mean it's great for a person to have confidence about their looks, but arrogance like that is... funnily enough, ugly.

Unfortunately he left me and broke my heart after a few months cause although a total minger he was also a knob.

Maybe he got the vibe off you that you didn't feel he was good enough - to the point that you've referred to him here as a "minger". Nice.

AND if I see a stunner/minger combo I think the stunner must be a cool person to get over the looks

Yes, it's on a par with the work Mother Teresa did.

and the minger must have an incredible personality... it reflects well on both.

Do you HAVE to keep using that awful term? "It reflects" badly on you.

If you start dating him in a few months you won't even notice his physical failings

Failings? You make it sound like it's his fault!

To be fair, I agree with some of your other points, but this notion you and the OP have that you're somehow "better" than a not-so-good-looking guy is hard to stomach. I said that there were three guys who I chose not to get involved with because I was not physically attracted to them - but that was it, not because I felt they were somehow "out of my league".