Zen humor

18AD

I stumbled across these just a moment ago.
Some are quite amusing.

http://www.enlightened-spirituality.org/Zen_Humor.html

Some favorites:

WHO IS THE BUDDHA?
A monk asked Pai-chang (720-814), “Who is the Buddha?” Pai-chang answered: “Who are you?”

VISIONS
Harada-roshi’s successor Hakuun Yasutani (1885-1973) declared: “To see a beautiful vision of a celestial Buddha does not mean that you are any nearer to becoming one yourself!”

Enjoy.
AD.

Hagar

A monk approached a hot-dog vendor and handed over $20 and said "Make me one with everything".
The vendor did as he was asked and handed over the well filled hot-dog.
Thinking $20 was very expensive the monk said "What about change?"
The vendor bowed and said "Change must come from within".

Asiaprod

Cool:cool:. If this continues I will make the thread a sticky

18AD

Good one hagar I hadn't heard that version before.

More of a funny anecdote here:

“Drinking Alone Under the Moon”
by Li Po

I take my wine jug out among the flowers
to drink alone, without friends.

I raise my cup to entice the moon.
That, and my shadow, makes us three.

But the moon doesn’t drink,
and my shadow silently follows.

I will travel with moon and shadow,
happy to the end of spring.

When I sing, the moon dances.
When I dance, my shadow dances, too.

We share life’s joys when sober.
Drunk, each goes a separate way.

Constant friends, although we wander,
we’ll meet again in the Milky Way.


Legend has it that he drowned while attempting to catch the reflection of the moon from his boat.

All the best.
AD.

MeditationMom

A father of twelve comes to the Buddha very distressed. He tells him that his wife is pregnant again and he doesn't know what to do. "My house is already too small, already I cannot make enough money to feed all of my children. Some days they have to go hungry. My wife is so overwhelmed, she is crying all the time. And I, I am at the end of my rope. Please, what do I do now?"

The Buddha looks at him and says: "Haven't you done enough?"

maitri

lol

Asiaprod

MeditationMom wrote: »

The Buddha looks at him and says: "Haven't you done enough?"

Sweet one, nice sting in the tail.

18AD

"Did you hear about the Buddhist vacuum cleaner?"
Answer: "It comes with no attachments!"

Oh my...:o

DinoBot

A samurai once asked Zen Master Hakuin where he would go after he died.
Hakuin answered, "How am I supposed to know?"

"How do you know? You're a Zen master?" exclaimed the samurai.

"Yes, but not a dead one," Hakuin answered.

:rolleyes:

maitri

I love that story!

Another:

Compassion and umbrella


A Western Buddhist woman was In india, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."


Flapping flag

Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.
The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping"

A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"

A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."

The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!"

From here

Nice too:

http://www.serve.com/cmtan/buddhism/Lighter/comments.html

MeditationMom

This from a cartoon - Buddha sitting high on a rock, teaching

"There is no us and them. There is only us! It is just that some of us are a**holes."

Hagar

Hagar

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

* If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue. Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

* Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

* The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

* Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

* The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

* Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

* To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes