Golf Jokes

dak

Mods... Can we start a thread in this forum with a few golf jokes ? Might brighten up the lack of golf over the winter ?

Dak

copacetic

you better add some quick before more people like me click in to find a distinct lack of jokes!

One of my favourites:

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such slow and crap play!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Story with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't the feckers play at night?

dak

Someone died playing golf
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

dak

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

dak

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.

"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"

dak

A below par performance is considered good.

You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

You can still make money doing it as a senior.

It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

Foursomes are encouraged.

Three times a day is possible.

Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

Mister Sifter

i was playing golf in belfast once with a local. On the 5th hole I knocked my ball into the trees. I said to my partner "i'm going to hit a provisional"...

in a deep belfast accent he replied... "you'd better ****ing not!"

dak

A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date.
He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard "Fore!" and a ball slammed into his back.

Soon, the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.

"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed.

"I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"

dak

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the w**d s*x, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having s*x all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b**tard! You've been playing golf!"

WHIP IT!

A guy is playing his usual weekly round on his tod, it's a day the same as any other... After three holes, he's opened Birdie-Par-Eagle to sit three-under par on a golf course for the first time ever in his life.

The round of his life is beckoning, he's swinging it better than he can ever remember and he's getting that 'once in a lifetime' feeling...

With that, he hears a vibration in his golf bag... the phone...

Standing waiting for the fourth fairway to clear, he answers to be met by the chilling voice of a Doctor from the local hospital with some terrible news...

The mans wife has been in a car accident and is critical in hospital... The Doc asks him if he can come to the hospital straight away... The man says of course...

Obviously distraught, he puts the phone back in the bag and is about to slouch back to the carpark when he says to himself "Sure, the fourth hole plays back toward the clubhouse, may as well play it on the way down... gather the thoughts an that.."

So, needless to say, he sends a high, drawing drives crisply down the centre of the fairway... as he reaches the ball, he finds himself considering whether a 7 or an 8 iron is the shot to play, rather than the awful news the Doctor has just given him...

He chooses a hard 8 and fires his approach 8ft from the pin... the juices are flowing again... as the putt drops into the hole, the man's unfortunate wife has become the furthest thing from his mind.

Two-and-a-half hours later, the man taps in for a routine par on the 18th with the broadest grin on his face. Eight-under par without a dropped shot and only two missed greens... the round of his life...

The thought of his poor wife then enters his mind and he rushes to be hospital where he is greeted by the solemn face of the Doc he had spoken to hours before... The Kartel shirt and Ping hat leave the Doc in no doubt why it has taken his patient's spouse so long to reach her bedside...

"Well I hope you're happy with yourself Mr Smith," the Doc spits...
"Your wife has suffered horrendous injuries..."

"Oh God," the man says, suddenly hit hard with the pangs of guilt, "how bad are we talking Doc?"

"Well, let's put it this way, I hope this round of golf was worth it because it is likely the last you'll play for a long, long time. Your wife will now require round-the-clock care and constant supervision. You won't have time to blow your nose, let alone play golf!"

"Oh jesus," the man cries, distraught... "that's... awful..."

The Doc walks up alongside him, jabs him playfully on the arm and says: "Nah, just kiddin - she died! So, what ye shoot?"

WHIP IT!

The Police are called to a murder scene at a family home in a leafy suburb...

When they enter the house, they see the battered body of a young woman. He husband sits at the dining table in the kitchen, staring blankly into space, covered in blood, holding only a golf club...

A Detective approaches him slowly, sees his dazed expression, and eventually says softly: "Sir, would you like to tell us what happened..."

"Nagging... always... f*cking nagging..." the man whispers...

"Come again Sir," the detective asks..

The man composes himself before explaining: "Every day. Every day I come home from work and she's on my case about some f*cking thing or other; 'we never go anywhere', 'you never buy me anything' blah blah f*cking blah...
Tonight I'd had enough. She pushed me too far... we were screaming at each other and she threw a vase at me... I reached for the nearest thing to me - my golf bag. I just snapped. Grabbed my putter and hit her with it. Again, again, two, three, four, five, six times.... eh, put me down for a five."

WHIP IT!

John and his wife Mary are playing golf... John is in the middle of his best round of the season when he pushes his drive on the par-four 15th well to the right, near the groundskeeper's old, wooden shed...

On reaching his ball, they're disappointed to find that John has practically no shot. The shed is right in front of him and his only option is to chip out backwards toward the fairway... Disconsolate, he reaches for his wedge when Mary says:
"Hang on Dear! Look, if we open the door here, there's a big, worn-out hole on the wall of the shed.. You can reach the green if you play through it!"

"Jesus, ye could be right Luv," he says..

"Go for it Honey, you've a great card here - I'll hold the door open for you..."

So John grabs his seven-iron and takes his stance as Mary holds the old creaky door open... However, when John plays the shot, he pulls it slightly out of the rough, causing the ball to catch the edge of the hole, cannon off the wall and belt poor Mary right in the side of the head. Killing her instantly..

Three years later, John is playing golf with an old friend... They reach the par-four 15th and, once again, John pushes his tee shot to the right, near that old greenskeeper's shed...

When he reaches his ball, John automatically goes for his wedge to take his medicine and chip back to the fairway...

"Hang on John," says the pal. "If I hold the door open, you might be able to squeeze the ball through that big hole in the wall, look!"

"No way Man. No way," John says... "the last time I did that, something horrendous happened..... I made a seven!"

dak

Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other,
" My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"
***************************************************


Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.

********************************************************

What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?
Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

****************************************************************

Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course?
Because that's how long it took the Scots who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey

dak

A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store after playing his round of golf.

After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Rolls Royce. Upon reaching his Rolls Royce he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.

He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favour?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my car keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my car keys out?" "No problem," she replied.

When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Rolls Royce people think of everything."

dak

Two men are playing golf at their local club. One is about to chip to the greeen when he sees a funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

dak

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."

milltown

The poor golfer is planning his approach shot to the green during a particularly bad round. He asks the caddy "will a 7 iron get me there?".

"Yeah, eventually" is the caddies reply.

dak

Frank joined a threesome; and as he'd had a very successful day he was invited back the next day for a game at 8 a.m.

"Look fellers, I'd sure like to play," said Frank, "but I could be two minutes late!"

Next morning he showed up right on time, played another lovely round but this time he played every stroke left-handed. Again, he was invited to join the threesome at 8 a.m. the following day.

"Sure, I'll be here," said Frank, "but remember I could be late, but it will only be a couple of minutes!"

"We'll wait," one of the golfers assured him. "But by the way, could you explain something that's been mystifying us all. Yesterday you played right-handed and today you played left-handed. Obviously you're proficient at both so how do you decided which way to play.'

"Ah well," Frank answered, "when I wake up in the morning, if my wife's lying on her right side, I play right-handed and if she's lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Simple as that."

"But what if she's lying on her back?"

"That's when I'm two minutes late!"

dak

The two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry the hospital administrator had sent Bill, recent father forthe first time.

"I mean. £25 use of delivery room's just not on, old man, you know I didn't get the wife there in time and the baby was born on the front lawn.

Harry leant over, took the bill and crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. "Greens Fee £25", it read.

dak

MacDonald was aged 80 when, for the first time in his life, he walked into his golf club bar and ordered drinks for everyone

"What's the occasion, mon?" enquired the stunned bartender. "Hole in one?"

"No," the old highlander replied, "I've just married a bonnie lass!"

It was seven months later when MacDonald again strode into the bar and again ordered drinks all round.

"And what are we celebrating this time?" asked the amazed bartender.

"Tis the wife, lad, she's just presented me with a baby boy."

"But you've only been married seven months!"

"Tis true, 'tis true! Imagine it - two under par and me with a whippy shaft!"

dak

... One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship, "he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of good bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Jesus! ...Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

dak

May thy ball lie in green pastures - and not in still waters.
- Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.
- George Deukmejian

Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
- John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
- Robert Lynd

I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes - they’d come up sliced.
- Unknown


They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
- Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.
- Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
- William Wordsworth

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
- Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
- Tommy Bolt

dak

lawyer was out golfing when he was hit in the head by a golf ball.

When the other golfer came to get his ball the lawyer said, “I’m a lawyer and this is going to cost you $5,000.”

The other golfer said, “Didn’t you hear me yell FORE?”

The lawyer then said, “I’ll take it!!!”

dak

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them. While I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it --stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my BIG mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that.

One Cold Hand

Sweet Jeebus dak, I hope your not typing all these out by hand!

Fair play, some good uns there.

dak

"Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good. Unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off." -Bruce Lansky

dak

Really I can't play golf, said the blonde, I don't even know how to hold the caddie

dak

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

dak

Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.

Moses says: "The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water"

Jesus replies: "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it."

He swings the 7-iron and sure enough, straight in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." "PLOP" in the water, it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake and says to Moses, "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses replies, "No, Tiger Woods."

dak

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him.

It hit him in the temple and killed him. He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?""Yes, I am," he replied. St. Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

dak

One night a thief breaks into The Valhalla Golf Club's pro shop in the middle of the night. Fumbling through the titanium drivers, he hears a voice say

"Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you."

He proceeds to fill his bags with the clubs and other expensive merchandise. While making his way to the sweatshirts, hats, etc., he hears...

"Jesus is watching you".

Baffled, he looks around with his flashlight and sees a parrot.

He looks at the beautiful creature and says "What kind of jerk would have a bird like you in a pro shop like this?"

The bird cocked his head slightly and replied, "The same one that named the pit bull Jesus!"