Golf Jokes

dak

After church one Sunday, one of the congregants walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?

"My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."

dak

Stevie Wonder & Jack Nicklaus

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

dak

Why single men are thinner

I attended a golf convention in London over the winter and was somewhat interested in the result of one particular study performed on golfers; specifically I was interested in late afternoon league golfers. This study indicated that the single gentlemen who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.

The reason for this phenomenon was quite simple when we finally found the answer. The single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator. He finds nothing decent there, so he goes to bed. The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.

dak

Black Balls

A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. "In most parts of the USA we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring," the American said.

"Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us," said the Scot.

"Well, what do you do; paint your balls black," asked the American.

"No", said the Scot "we just put on an extra sweater or two."

dak

Hey, George, did you hear the awful news about John?" The two golfers were talking over a drink in the club bar.

"No what happened to him.'"

"Well he had a great round on Wednesday - under seventy I heard - anyway he finished early and drove home, and found his wife in bed with another man! No questions asked... he just shot 'em both! Isn't it terrible?"

"Could have been worse," George commented.

"How?"

"If he'd finished early on Tuesday, he would have shot me!"

dak

Anyone have a few golf jokes ?

dak

In the 16th century, most everything was transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizer, so largeshipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because it weighedless but once water hit it, fermentation began which produced methane gasas a by-product.
The manure was stored in bundles below deck and once wet with sea water, methane began to build up.

The first time someone came below at night with a lantern.... BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what had happened. Afterwards, the bundles of manure were stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" which directed the crew to stow it in the upper decks so that any water that came into the hold would not reach this volatile cargo and produce the explosive gas.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is still in use today. You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term

dak

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "That's a GREAT trade!"

dak

An avid golfer goes to see a fortune teller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven. "I have good news and bad news" she tells the golfer. "Whats the good news?" asks the golfer "The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth." "Whats the bad news then?" he asks "You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

dak

I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;
A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;
A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;
A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;
A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.
Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.

KOJAK_1

God as a Golf Coach

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at Sawgrass exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.

However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying,

"WAIT...REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again,
"WAIT. STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.

The voice boomed out again,

"TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."

Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited...

A long silence followed.......

Then the voice again:

"USE THE OLD BALL."

dak

Moshe and Rebecca make a vow that whoever dies first would come back and inform the other of the after-life. Their fear is that there is no after-life.
Many, many years later, Moshe dies and true to his word, he makes contact.
"Rebecca …. Rebecca," he says, "can you hear me?"
"Is that you, Moshe?" asks Rebecca.
"Yes, Becky," he replies, "I've come back, just as we agreed."
"So what's it like, Moshe?" asks Rebecca.
"Well Becky, it’s like this," replies Moshe. "Every morning, I get up and have sex. I have breakfast and then off to the golf course where I have sex. I sunbathe and then have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex all afternoon. After dinner, it’s the golf course again, then I have sex until late. It likes this every day."
"Oh Moshe," says Rebecca, "you really must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, Becky," says Moshe, "I'm a rabbit on the Hampstead Garden Suburb golf course."

dak

There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they'd be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her. When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game. Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day. She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin -- but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie.

She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. "You know," she said, "this is a very special day for me. I've always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there's thirty minutes of the best sex you've ever had in your life in it for you!" Well, the first man ran over and said, "You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5 inches above the cup." The second man pushed him out of the way and said, "No way! I've had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10 inches high of the cup." The third man walked up and said, "Don't listen to either of them." He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme!

dak

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. 'I sure do,' he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter.

'Wow!' said his friend, 'Where did you get that monster lighter?'

'I got it from my genie.'

'You have a genie?'

'Yes, right here in my golf bag.'

'Could I see him?'

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, 'Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes I will'' the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, 'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

He answers,'I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?'

dak

Bill, Ralph, and Fred gathered for a round of golf on Mother's Day. The men were quite surprised at being "let go" for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.

Fred said, "I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go."

Ralph said, "I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go."

Bill said, "I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,' and she said: 'I'll put your clubs in the car'."

dak

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

dak

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10 green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight.

The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men.

"Why are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard."

KOJAK_1

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

dak

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I 'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

dak

Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."

"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt."

Oliverdog

After a long and blameless life, a priest who had been a very keen golfer finally arrived at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter looked at his clipboard, shook his head sadly, and said "I'm afraid I can't let you in."

"What?!" said the priest. "That can't be right - can't you see the record of my time on earth? I was virtually a saint".

"Not according to this" said St Peter. "It says here that you took the name of the Lord in vain, on September 27th 1984. Location was Portmarnock".

The priest dropped to his knees. "Now I remember", he groaned. "But the circumstances were enough to try anyone's faith. Would you listen to my explanation?"

St Peter looked at his watch. "I've plenty of time", he said. "But it had better be good"

"Well", said the priest. "I was a member of Portmarnock since I was a boy, and I was a very good golfer of 4 handicap. But all my life I'd never beaten par. But one perfect evening, I stood on the eighteenth tee, needing only to par the hole to have a level par round"

"A long fade to a diagonal fairway. 411 yards off the blues if I remember rightly", said St Peter. "What happened? Hook it into the gorse? Is that when you took our Lord's name in vain?"

"Not at all", said the priest. "I didn't hit my best drive, but it was about 220 yards, just caught the first cut of rough".

"I know", said St Peter "You caught those front bunkers"

"I did come up a bit short" said the priest. "But I had an easy pitch over the two right-hand bunkers to an uphill pin position"

"What then?" said St Peter. "Knife it into the bunker? - is that when you took our Lord's name in vain?"

"No, no" said the priest. "I clipped a little sand wedge over the traps, and it pitched past the hole and spun back to 15" below the hole"

"JESUS CHRIST!" said St Peter "Don't tell me you missed the f*cking putt!"

dak

John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. Niether man trusted the other's arithmetic.

One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob,"What'd you have?

Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. "Six!" he said and then hastily corrected himself,.
" No, no....a five."

Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!" "Eight?" Bob said, "I couldn't have had eight." John said,

"Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven." "Then why did you mark down eight?" asked Bob.
John told him, "One stroke penalty, for improving your lie."

dak

An American guy travels to Japan on business.

After 3 days of intense meetings, he is exhausted. After work, he decides to go out and get some dinner and maybe have a few drinks.

Well, after a few beers and some Sake, he's feeling a little frisky. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks, he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action.

They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin- Wa! Shin-Wa!"

The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room.

The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it!
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The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!

The CEO turns to him and says, "What you mean, wrong hole?"

dak

Two die-hard golfers saw some kids fishing at the lake. One said
to the other, "Look at those idiots ... fishing in the rain!"

dak

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Oliverdog

I went to a memorial service for an old friend at our golf club yesterday. He had requested that his ashes be scattered on his favourite hole at our course, the par-3 third, and his widow was there to carry out his wishes.

Unfortunately a gust of wind came up, and blew them out of bounds.

dak

After a long day of drinking and golfing at the local golf course, Bubba got into his truck and proceeded to drive home.

On a hair pin turn Bubba lost control of his truck and crashed. The truck burst into flames. Bubba died and was burnt pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best golfing friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for.

Daryl went into the morgue first and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, sure ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt pretty bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over again and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer replied, "Well Bubba had two ass holes."

"What? He had two ass holes!" replied the mortician.

"Yup, everyone at the club house knew he had two ass holes. Everytime we went out to the course, folks would say 'There goes Bubba with them two ass holes.'"

Hagar

That must be every golf joke known to man. Great thread.

dak

Hagar wrote: »

That must be every golf joke known to man. Great thread.

Thanks....well putt!