Mad world

dak

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees.
He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around.
He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around.
He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his d**k in a bowl of peanuts.
He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm f**king nuts,
I'm never getting out of here!"

dak

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

"Well, what's the difference between the two?" Bill asks.

God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay, then," says Bill. "Let me try Hell first."

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the

water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperatures perfect.

He is very pleased. "This is great!" he tells God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It's nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. "Hmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he tells God.

"Fine," replies God. "As you desire."

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asks Bill.

Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER."

dak

2x Laughing eyes
2x Well shaped legs
2x Loving arms
2x Firm milk containers
2x Nuts
1x Fur lined mixing bowl
1x firm banana

Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes
2. Spread well shaped legs with loving arms
3 Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed.
(For best results, continue to knead milk containers). 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not over night).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town

Eglinton

The recipe for love is brilliant.

I preferred the Bill Gates one when I heard it in the context of Human Resources.