Marriage in trouble

Carrigart Exile

me&him wrote: »

Thank you. And I know that you are only getting one side here padser but you are entitled to your opinion and as I said before I am thankful I am not married to you if you think this is all acceptable behaviour. Your post is using words like confront making out that I have been on full scale attack - which is not the case at all. Sure I had no right to go through his phone but do I not have the right to some respect and understanding?

As for locking him out I had told him that this would happen if it was continuing so it wasn't a spur of the moment action - he knew it was coming...

unless he has a history of violence you have no right to lock him out. Just as there is no excuse for violence neither is there any excuse for non violent power trips.

I understand where Padser is coming from, many on here are all too quick (me included) to tell people to get rid

spinandscribble

it certainly sounds as if he's going through a early mid life crisis- not that you have to put up with it mind.
the cheek of him to ask for more sex on the agreement that he'd treat you with more respect by coming home at a reasonable time. i wonder why your sex life decreased... *roll eyes* maybe because he's out all the time.
it may be drugs, it may be an affair but personally i think its a mix of affair, too much drink and good old fashioned selfishness.
its not acceptable to break into a house if you've upset the woman inside. its plain aggressive.

hi honey so we're going home???
omg not even a why are you here ect he knew he was in the **** and wanted gto get out of there fast didnt he?
kick him out, leave his clothes at his work place his he pretty much lives there anyway and dont speak to him for awhile. dont speak to him until he's prepared to tell you whats really happening.
we think once someones in trouble they'll admit to everything. trust me they dont. my bfs the sweetest guy in the world but there was one time he made a mistake and instead of fessing up he kept some of the truth from me, it wasnt even important btw but it was just because he knew what big trouble he was in he didnt know his head from his tail and was afraid.

spinandscribble

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

unless he has a history of violence you have no right to lock him out. Just as there is no excuse for violence neither is there any excuse for non violent power trips.

she has the right not to see him if she doesnt want to. considering he was in the wrong (and clearly knew it) he should be willing to give her space. afterall he could always go back to the party oops i mean staff house:rolleyes:

exactly what type of business is he in?

How Strange

In the OP's defense re locking him out of the house, I would say that relationships get dirty when the fighting starts. If the worse thing she has done is lock him out of the house then she has kept her composure very well. I'm not saying that it was the right thing to do but if he is carrying on like this for months on end then it would drive you to desperate measures.

I don't think its fair to judge the OP by this. It was a reaction to a very strange situation.

Carrigart Exile

How Strange wrote: »

In the OP's defense re locking him out of the house, I would say that relationships get dirty when the fighting starts. If the worse thing she has done is lock him out of the house then she has kept her composure very well. I'm not saying that it was the right thing to do but if he is carrying on like this for months on end then it would drive you to desperate measures.

I don't think its fair to judge the OP by this. It was a reaction to a very strange situation.

Very true How Strange it was more a reaction to the militant posters who want him gelded. Earlier he was a wife beater based on.....nothing but assumptions. The last thing the OP needs is egged on by those who will not face the fall out, she needs calm and clear advice. I would listen to How Strange.

Gemini Sister

Everyone's always so obsessed with the truth.... and it doesn't always set you free... sometimes the truth is more ambiguous than the facts and whatever you find will wreck your head and you will give it a significance it doesn't really deserve...

The one truth you already know is that he is not respecting your relationship and is moving away from you. You need to see is he prepared to turn it around. Set a time limit of 3mnths maybe and see if he's made an real effort.
My 2 cents is try to keep a cool head (difficult I know). If he's already pulling away, you going mental (readin texts etc.) will make it easier for him to leave.

State your case as calmly as possible. Tell him you're at the end of your tether. Whether he tells you the truth, half truth or whatever matters - but not as much as how he behaves from now on.
I hope it works out x

crosstownk

Just a thought - I'm not too convinced with the "affair theory". Usually with an affair things are a lot more secretive. But this guy seems to be quite sociable with a certain group, and it appears that this group are well aware that he is married. If it is an affair, then that means that his whole social group is laughing behind the OP's back - I find this hard to believe - surely someone - at least one - would be seeing things from the OP's point of view?

hexx

To the OP. All is not well, that is obvious. I would not disregard the text or the fact that it was deleted. I spent 16 years with the one person and just two years married. Two kids later he's gone just like that over night.

I didn't watch the warning signs, I remember now seeing them but ignoring them. You have to trust your instinct. Nothing anyone here tells you will answer your questions. The only one with those answers is your husband and you.

For my part my husband left when my youngest daughter was born with Downs. After 6 long difficult months I now understand that he would have gone anyway just maybe not then and I'm glad he's gone cause he was not the right one for me. The relationship was not a happy one no matter how much of a brave face I put on or how people percieved us to be. The truth was we weren't in love any more and hadn't been for a long long time.

I'm no unbelievably happy and I might add the guts of four stone light, since I have lost that baggage. I have a new relationship that is founded on honesty and the deepest love.

Once you lose trust the foundation for your life together is fractured and the rest crumbles. That's been my experience anyway. I wish you the best and if your relationship is supposed to withstand this test it will. If not try to be strong and remember it wasn't your fault.

SarahSassy

me&him wrote: »

Probably from me if I'm honest.... why?

We the only reason is that some men cant say 'no'. I know a number of guys like this who didnt have the balls to tell the gf that she was moving too fast, he got married and then panicked.....

I hope this is not the case in your situation but its more common that we (women) want to think....

The Sweeper

padser wrote: »

Minesajackdaniels thinks sending text after text and continiously ringing a house phone and doorbell to try and get someone to let you in for 30 mins is not 'normal behaviour'. I certainly don't think someone needs to go to counselling for it.

Yep. That's right. I don't.

I think it's aggressive and ridiculous and if you really think your missus is going to open the door to you when you're a ranting looney who's kicking the front door and trying to break the window while repeatedly ringing the house phone and texting her - I think she'd be stupid to let you in.

What are you going to do when you get in the door? "Thanks honey, I'm going to bed." Yeah, right.

Padser, if you think there's nothing wrong with spending half an hour losing the plot on your doorstep, leaning on the bell and kicking the door and eventually trying to break a window - if you think that's "normal behaviour" then I'm afraid you and I have vastly, vastly different definitions of what sort of behaviour is acceptable.

wazzoraybelle

I think you need to kick him out of the house. It's not so much that his behavior is unacceptable as that he is aware of how much it upsets you and is unwilling to communicate with you. It's a 99% certainty that he is seeing someone else or wants to see someone else. I'd kick him out until he explains himself to you.
EDIT. And I'm a guy!

SarahSassy

wazzoraybelle wrote: »

I think you need to kick him out of the house. It's not so much that his behavior is unacceptable as that he is aware of how much it upsets you and is unwilling to communicate with you. It's a 99% certainty that he is seeing someone else or wants to see someone else. I'd kick him out until he explains himself to you.

+ 1

Keano

To me this is one the most honest and frank threads I have read on this fourm. A woman is going through sheer hell and has a husband who is either having an affair, using drugs or just feeling like blowing off some steam. The problem with the latter is that he does not know what effect that it is having on his wife. As someone has pointed out in an open post to her husband who supposedly visits boards a lot that his wife is seeking guidance on a message board about problems with their marriage ,that is both worrying and very sad. He appears to have lost something that made her fall in love with him many moons ago. I believe that if he is reading this thread and doesnt decide to change then he needs to f**k off and leave a good woman find a good man. Before the accusation of you're only hearing her side of the story and their are 2 sides to every story he would want to post his side quick! You tell me how many married men stay out until 7 am leaving their wives at home on a continual basis?? He is a disgrace and OP I am delighted you have no kids with this man. People deserve second chances and that is for you to decide if he chooses to change his ways, however I believe he may never tell you what has gone on nor will he ever and this may to continue to eat away at you as many has said trust is so important and once that goes it oh so hard to get back...

Talliesin

I could forgive an affair. I could forgive drug-use. Being a prick though is much worse than either.

dame

crosstownk wrote: »

Just a thought - I'm not too convinced with the "affair theory". Usually with an affair things are a lot more secretive. But this guy seems to be quite sociable with a certain group, and it appears that this group are well aware that he is married. If it is an affair, then that means that his whole social group is laughing behind the OP's back - I find this hard to believe - surely someone - at least one - would be seeing things from the OP's point of view?

You would be surprised. I have seen married men in my workplace carrying on (affairs, one night stands when out with work crowd, outrageous flirting (not always followed through) etc.). The trouble is, people do not want to get involved in other people's marriages. They may be horrified at his behaviour, some of them may have even told him this, but they will then leave well enough alone. After all, they barely know his wife. They don't know if she knows what he's like when she's not around or not and don't think it is their place (which it isn't) to go telling her, whether she does know or not.

OP, I really hope things work out for you. You do not deserve to be treated like this. No-one does.

rs

From my point of view, this guy sounds like a pretty crappy husband who shows you no respect. (I am a man btw) Staying out until 7am regularly is pretty poor form when you are a married man. Having a minor fit on the door step is just childish.

So let's assume he's not having an affair. He's still a complete w*nker.

I mean seriously, how do you expect him to be a father when he's 30 and currently acts like a child?

Get rid of him. I'm pretty sure that you deserve a better husband.

I'm absolutely 100% sure that your future kids deserve better father.

Duckjob

I love the way people feel justified to jump in and make judgements on a guy they only know though the OP's short account. Maybe he's a wanker, a dickhead, etc etc, but I'd still like to hear his side of the story.

There's two sides to every story people...

Keano

Duckjob wrote: »

I love the way people feel justified to jump in and make judgements on a guy they only know though the OP's short account. Maybe he's a wanker, a dickhead, etc etc, but I'd still like to hear his side of the story.

There's two sides to every story people...

Perhaps you would take your time to read all the posts on this thread. Many posters have already said your point and as his wife pointed out that he reads these boards so we are all waiting for him to post his side.

Beruthiel

Duckjob wrote: »

I love the way people feel justified to jump in and make judgements on a guy they only know though the OP's short account.

In PI we can only go by the OP's account, obviously.
We have to assume that account is as honest as can be and we work on that assumption.

The basic facts of that account are:

They know each other for nine years.
For the guts of that nine years they have been a happy couple, happy enough to get married, she obviously loved him very much to take that step.

The reason for this thread has been the last seven months - things have changed, drastically changed - this thread is about that change - now, no matter what his 'side of the story is' that will in no way justify his behaviour and total lack of respect towards the woman he chose to marry.
It certainly is not the behaviour of a grown man who thinks he's mature enough to be a father, a huge responsiblilty for anyone to undertake. When a woman gives birth to a child she needs her husband 100% at her side. From what she has told us, he is not that husband.

K_P

Beruthiel wrote: »

In PI we can only go by the OP's account, obviously.
We have to assume that account is as honest as can be and we work on that assumption.

The basic facts of that account are:

They know each other for nine years.
For the guts of that nine years they have been a happy couple, happy enough to get married, she obviously loved him very much to take that step.

The reason for this thread has been the last seven months - things have changed, drastically changed - this thread is about that change - now, no matter what his 'side of the story is' that will in no way justify his behaviour and total lack of respect towards the woman he chose to marry.
It certainly is not the behaviour of a grown man who thinks he's mature enough to be a father, a huge responsiblilty for anyone to undertake. When a woman gives birth to a child she needs her husband 100% at her side. From what she has told us, he is not that husband.

I totally agree. And I think some of the posts here trying to lay all the blame on the OP because she locked him out of the house in the middle of an argument with her husband who was behaving like an absolute tool for the umpteenth time are utterly ridiculous.

I'm not for a minute suggesting that OP's husband is a wife beater. But attempting to kick the door down and proceeding to call his wife every name under the sun is violent behaviour and nothing justifies it.

I'm usually the first to roll my eyes when someone in PI suggests counselling over the tiniest problem, but in this case it seems completely necessary. You're together 9 years and you're married. That's something worth fighting for as far as I'm concerned.

The rest of us here can argue over the ins and outs of your problems but it's irrelevant to OP at this stage. You and your husband need professional help.

syklops

First off, what industry does he work in? You said it was one that is likely to party alot.

Secondly, does he have other friends he goes out with? Or did he used to have friends he socialised with and now has not seen them in a while?

I truly doubt he is having an affair for the following reasons:

If you were having an affair, you would not party with your mistress with her/his friends until late
If your wife worked nights, you would be super good the weeks she works days, and play away while she worked nights. He is not, he is partying whenever there is a party.
You would not be allowed to be seen together when your not at work.

I think the problem resolves around the 'parties'. He goes out for a few drinks with his new circle of friends, things get a bit wild, and he has a choice of going home, or staying out, and with a mixture of alcohol, and steady flowing craic, he decides to stay out. He then goes back to their gaff, where I assume they are partaking in recreational drugs. He may not be taking part aswell, but he certainly enjoys the group atmosphere.

The changes in his behaviour suggest Coke usage to me. Which is maybe what the other people are doing aswell. The 2 main industries which party alot in my opinion are IT and Financial Services, both industries where coke usage is rife, and indeed in some circles accepted. I think it is IT, but that is a guess.

My gut tells me he is reliving his youth, or he is having a mid life crisis, and is using alcohol and/or recreational drug use to compensate for it. Him refusing to talk about it is another sign of this.

People keep saying "partying until 7am when your wife is at home is not something you do when your married at 30". Why isnt it? If you trust him, or if you did trust him, why is/was it a problem? Assuming someone is not cheating, or taking part in sordid, or unethical activities, what is wrong with him going out with the group? Is it that he does not tell you where he was going, or how long he was going out for, or that you didnt know what he was doing?

I think you need to ask yourself why its affecting the marriage so much, and then you need to tell your husband those reasons. He may not think its causing any harm. If he did not do this when he was in his 20's, he has maybe not learnt the rules of partying when you going out with someone.

Its a difficult situation, and talking about it with him is the only way around it. If you do not get his point of view, the problem will just escalate. If he has been faithful, and you continue to accuse him of being unfaithful, he may do the dirt just to spite you in his head. May be try a different tack, and give him support, and see how he responds.

estar

i just want to state my opinion again to counter those that
think it ok for a married man of 30 to party all night repeatedly
and hang around with single young women in pubs while his
wife is worried sick about him.

that isnt reliving your youth. that is acting like your 15 and
its your mother at home. its dis-respectful and rude,
and no woman i know young or old would tolerate it.
if my brother did that id tell him he was letting his family
down and that he disgusted me.

its just not appropriate. if you want to be single, be single.
if you want to be married, commit. there is no half way
happy medium house of pick and choose - yes ill be married
and have the washing and ironing done
but ill have a dash of staying over in girls houses and a
smidgeon of texting young women late at night, and
a whole lot of drinking with the people im supposed to be
managing.

not appropriate. op contact relate - its positive that he
is open to counselling. they can help you learn how to
communicate more effectively.

but as berethial said - he has to be open to change.

good luck.

LegacyUser

I know from my own experience that alot of irish mans way to initiate a breakup is to misbahave so badly that you have no choice but to either break it off or accept it and be treated incredibly badly. I have first hand experience the latter as I was in a relationship with a guy for 6 + years and due to happennings was left in a very vunerable position where a bit of support would have been appreciated but instead he turned it into an opportunity to belittle, bully, control and generally be a horrible person towards me when I did not have the strength to fight back. You never saw such drama over a fork left on a counter in your life.

Then the whole mind game of " I love you , we can work it out" is just another game. Get the hell out girl and dont let the door hit your behind on the way out. This isint love - its somebody not giving a fk about you or your feelings. Let him have at with his parties etc. You deserve someone who will actually be considerate of your feelings - not this immature and selfish boy.

LegacyUser

Update - We talked a bit last night and this thread has been very helpful. I feel that he finally understands the extent of this problem from my point of view, and I have certainly started to see things from what might be his. He has sincerly apologized for what he has put me through and has freely said he loves me, wants to be with me and make our marriage work. I want this too.

We have been happy together for a long time before this, and hope to be again. We are planning to spend tomorrow together and he has suggested we take the counseling option suggested here. I feel this is a positive step from him and now I have to give him the chance to be the man he was and try to build up the trust again.

I did ask him to post on the thread to give his side - thought it might even help us - but he didn't. I don't know why. Only he can answer that.

A very sincere thank you to everyone who took the time to read, post and debate. You have helped me through something very difficult - the rest is up to us.
Thanks again.

Beruthiel

I hope it works out well for the both of ye OP.

spinandscribble

he didnt write on here because he knows he hasnt got a leg to stand on. i hope it works out but if his actions continue kick him out. if i was you i wouldnt be trying for a child until i trusted him again, just think about it k?

mikemac

spinandscribble wrote: »

he didnt write on here because he knows he hasnt got a leg to stand on.

Oh, because he has to justify his actions to a group of strangers?
And won't now if he feels he can't put his points across?
Why on earth would this guy post here with the abuse he'll take, deserved or not.
We are not judge and jury here.

The OP asked for advice and got loads of different opinions.
But this guy certainly does not need to talk to us, only to his wife. Hope it works out for you OP.

How Strange

Why on earth would this guy post here with the abuse he'll take, deserved or not.
We are not judge and jury here.
The OP asked for advice and got loads of different opinions.
But this guy certainly does not need to talk to us, only to his wife.

+1. In fact, I think its a bad sign if a married couple need to talk to each other via boards or any other forum.

The OP came here looking for opinions and feedback and she got them. Now they have to sort this out themselves.

rs

me&him wrote: »

T I am 35, he is 30, been together 9 years and married for one.

Ok, this is going to be a pretty crappy post, so I'll warn you now.

You have stated that you were trying for a baby. It's possible he is freaking out because perhaps he feels he's not ready for all this yet. Marriage, baby etc. You're right to not even consider bringing a baby into a strained relationship. I can guarantee you that a baby in the mix is going to strain any relationship by itself. You really have to be on the same page when a kid arrives or you are totally screwed.

This is where the nasty stuff starts. If you are already 35 then getting pregnant today may not be all that easy and as the next few year pass it will get much more difficult. (I'm assuming you've never had any kids before, as this changes things) The chance of having getting pregnant naturally for the first time drops by about 50% a year after the age of 35 so now is really the time to get cracking if that's what you really want.

That said you might not have any problems getting pregnant at all, but the chances of getting pregnant naturally are starting to decline. You still have other options these days (fertility drugs, IVF etc) but these are expensive, not without risk and there are no guarantees.

So the problem might be that he thinks he's too young for all of this (he's not, he's 30. My parents had 4 kids by that age). The problem is, if he eventually starts to cop on a year or too down the road and decides it's time to be a real husband, it might just be too late for you to be a mum.

Sorry about this, but I think it's something you need to consider.

If you did a pre-marriage course before you got married, what did you both say to the "How many kids do you want?" question.

rs

me&him wrote: »

I did ask him to post on the thread to give his side - thought it might even help us - but he didn't. I don't know why. Only he can answer that.

I can't blame him for not posting given he'll probably be torn to shreds no matter what he says. In fairness, he doesn't have to explain himself to us, be he sure as hell has to explain himself to you.

Good luck.

Marksie

rs wrote: »

In fairness, he doesn't have to explain himself to us, be he sure as hell has to explain himself to you.

That was always the case.
But at least this thread will give them areas to talk about and work through, hopefully it will open the way to better communication and a successful resolution.

But OP be prepared to listen to what he has to say. As you get close to the root cause of it all, it may surprise both you and him!

dame

rs wrote: »

This is where the nasty stuff starts. If you are already 35 then getting pregnant today may not be all that easy and as the next few year pass it will get much more difficult. (I'm assuming you've never had any kids before, as this changes things) The chance of having getting pregnant naturally for the first time drops by about 50% a year after the age of 35 so now is really the time to get cracking if that's what you really want.

That said you might not have any problems getting pregnant at all, but the chances of getting pregnant naturally are starting to decline. You still have other options these days (fertility drugs, IVF etc) but these are expensive, not without risk and there are no guarantees.

I' sure the OP knows all this. She does not need people reminding her of her biological clock at this stressful and emotional time.

LegacyUser

Well our day together has just ended.... not the way I hoped but hey, maybe I expect too much......
I mentioned to him last night that we might spend the day/evening together - no pressure - just company - and see how things go. His immediate response is "there's football on at 8 - ok if we watch that?" but all I can think is "what the hell you on about? I am about to leave you but all you care about is the football?" But part of me says "I'll allow it" and go from there.

So, going from there, I'm at a loss to tell you what has happened. The end result being it is 11.20 pm - he is in bed, I am down here writing to you lot and I have told him divorce will now commence.....

In the first instance I made the first approach ( yet again ) to fix this. I offered to make a nice meal and spend time with each other in order to re-connect. ( Although I felt that he should have done this ). I spent alot of time on this dinner , maybe not in his eyes, but it was an effort on my part. We had the meal all was moving along well, little bit of talking, guarded laughing etc....but moving along. Next i Know he's well into the football so I decide to use the laptop. Mean time he is going about the gaff like a total nut screaming at the tele etc.... and I say to him "God I wish I could see half the passion over a game of football put into our marriage". Then it all goes sour. Because I ask him why he thinks this is. He is drunk, I am pissed off, he storms off to bed moaning about me while I sit here and sob - yet again - so tired of this.

So, have told him I will be getting an evaluation of the house on Mon - why am I still sitting here crying when he is asleep and don't give a **** about me???? WHY?

No effort = no love. In my opinion. I feel like my trying has exhausted itself.

To conclude - he is still in bed - and I am posting on boards - surely any normal feeling man would have coped on after all the previous threads that something is wrong in the marriage that needs repaired and be trying to fix that? Screw counseling - divorce is on the way here - I ain't going to be treated like this any more. The extent of my effort has been overdrawn. He don't care enough to try so why should I?

dame

me&him, I'm sorry to hear things didn't go well this evening. I don't know what to say except don't rush into getting a divorce. Could you try talking to him again tomorrow maybe, without football or alcohol? Counselling is always worth a shot. If he won't talk to you maybe he'd talk to a counsellor. I'd be afraid of walking away from a marriage too fast without being sure there was no hope of change.

LegacyUser

dame wrote: »

me&him, I'm sorry to hear things didn't go well this evening. I don't know what to say except don't rush into getting a divorce. Could you try talking to him again tomorrow maybe, without football or alcohol? Counselling is always worth a shot. If he won't talk to you maybe he'd talk to a counsellor. I'd be afraid of walking away from a marriage too fast without being sure there was no hope of change.

Yeah, but what is too fast? 7 months? More, less? All I know is that right now I have been sporadic crying for 2 hours while yer man is like sleeping beauty. Don't give a s***. So why should I? I am sorry but I am feeling really angry at the minute and so awfully let down and it hurts so much. I really wanted to try and thought he did too but actions speak louder than words...

wazzoraybelle

You need to kick him out!!! He is walking all over you!! If you were just at the beginning of a relationship with this person you would not tolerate this, why now?
It's very obvious that he's testing your limitations and you need to let him know what those limitations are. So far you have only made him dinner!!!!
You have no explanation for his recent behavior and he seems to resent any effort you make to repair your relationship.
He has most likely been unfaithful to you, even if he hasn't you must have no trust left in him.
He needs a short sharp shock. Let him go to work. Pack a suitcase for him and ring his parents/brother/sister( whoever you think will put him up) and tell them the whole story. Then phone him and leave the suitcase on the doorstep.
Don't take him back until he has completely restored your trust in him and I mean completely as you can't do this kind of thing often. I would expect this to take a couple of weeks.
Don't let your resolve weaken. This is make or break time for your marriage. Good luck.

How Strange

OP, sorry to hear things went so badly last night.

In reality, did you think much had changed between both of you which would result in an immense difference in the relationship? All that is changed is that you posted on boards looking for feedback, advice or whatever.

I'd echo the previous poster and advise caution about rushing into divorce. Your marriage is going through turmoil at the moment but has anything so huge happened that means you can't get the marriage back on track with some hard work on both sides?

I apologise if I sound preachy but surely this is part of the promise you made when you got married - that you would fight through everything to make it work?

I think you should consider counselling rather than divorce as your next step. Once the process of divorce starts, it will take on a momentum of its own which will be very hard or even impossible to stop. Both of you will start to hate each other to the point that you won't be able to see how you were once so in love. I've seen how dirty and nasty even the nicest of people get when going through it.

My advice is to stop the talk of divorce because that is insiduous and once you start using it as a threat then you have already started the war between you. Look up marriage/relationship counsellors and ask your husband to attend. If he doesn't want to participate then you have to re-evaluate lots of things but at least explore that option before you go down the divorce route.

How Strange

wazzoraybelle, I'd say if the OP kicked her husband out now he would love it! He would be out with his mates every night of the week drinking etc etc. Most likely he would come back in a year and tell her how much he misses her/loves her etc etc because he'd be tired of the single lifestyle and see what he had with the OP but at that stage its too late.

I really think that marriage is such a huge committement that walking away from it because her husband is acting the pr!ck at the moment just shows that neither of them were ready for that committment seven months ago.

If the OP walks away from it now because she is stressed out, at her wits end and tormented by her husbands behaviour she will most likely regret it in a month or two when she has had an opportunity to reflect on everything.

That's why I think they should attend counselling.

IMO, talk of 'you go girl, kick his sorry ass out etc etc' are very broad bits of advice which are very easy to dish out when you are not the one stuck in the middle. It's easy for us all to say he is an assh*le, get rid but she loves him and has married him so it's really not all that easy for her.

rs

dame wrote: »

me&him, I'm sorry to hear things didn't go well this evening. I don't know what to say except don't rush into getting a divorce. Could you try talking to him again tomorrow maybe, without football or alcohol? Counselling is always worth a shot. If he won't talk to you maybe he'd talk to a counsellor. I'd be afraid of walking away from a marriage too fast without being sure there was no hope of change.

Very solid advice here. I would not rush into a divorce but I would very strongly think about a separation to give you both some perspective on the situation.

wazzoraybelle

How Strange wrote: »

wazzoraybelle, I'd say if the OP kicked her husband out now he would love it! He would be out with his mates every night of the week drinking etc etc. Most likely he would come back in a year and tell her how much he misses her/loves her etc etc because he'd be tired of the single lifestyle and see what he had with the OP but at that stage its too late.

.

I don't think they can remain under the same roof. I certainly didn't mean to suggest that the marriage is over, I just don't believe the op and her husband are capable of resolving this while they live together. Counselling is a must ( if not legal obligation). This guy however, is never going to cop himself on so long as the op response is to make a nice dinner!! She needs to understand that she has a right to demand respect and love in a marriage.

squire1

OP, does your husband have an alcohol problem? The thing that stands out most for me in your posts is the amount of drinking that seems to be involved in his life.

You arrange a time for you both to spend time together and talk and he watches the football and gets drunk? wtf?

Alcohol, as much as drugs or having an affair could explain the apparent recent change in his temperament. It might explain a lot, in fact.

I have no advice for you really, only you can decide what to do in your situation but I just wanted you to consider the possibility that he may have a problem that has escalated out of his control.

Nuttzz

dress it up how you like you are both drug users, drugs make people do stupid things and change people, get off the f**king coke the pair of you and start thinking for yourselves...

Carrigart Exile

How Strange wrote: »

wazzoraybelle, I'd say if the OP kicked her husband out now he would love it! He would be out with his mates every night of the week drinking etc etc. Most likely he would come back in a year and tell her how much he misses her/loves her etc etc because he'd be tired of the single lifestyle and see what he had with the OP but at that stage its too late.

I really think that marriage is such a huge committement that walking away from it because her husband is acting the pr!ck at the moment just shows that neither of them were ready for that committment seven months ago.

If the OP walks away from it now because she is stressed out, at her wits end and tormented by her husbands behaviour she will most likely regret it in a month or two when she has had an opportunity to reflect on everything.

That's why I think they should attend counselling.

IMO, talk of 'you go girl, kick his sorry ass out etc etc' are very broad bits of advice which are very easy to dish out when you are not the one stuck in the middle. It's easy for us all to say he is an assh*le, get rid but she loves him and has married him so it's really not all that easy for her.

spot on, very sound advice

Carrigart Exile

Nuttzz wrote: »

dress it up how you like you are both drug users, drugs make people do stupid things and change people, get off the f**king coke the pair of you and start thinking for yourselves...

especially if you are trying for a family

How Strange

IMO, you get to a certain age and cocaine just becomes a bit of a cliche - like wearing teenager clothes when you are forty. If you are pushing 35 and want to have kids maybe cut out the drugs. They could mess up your fertility.

The one thing that stands out from your reply is that you are sort of taking a passive approach to resolving the current problem. From your other posts, your husband is always contrite and apologetic after the fact and you accept it with good faith and grace and move on. You are also swinging from big highs to deep lows and that is not good. It is emotionally and mentally exhausting.

I see you say from your most recent post that you forgave him and now its ok... so forgave him what? His appaling behaviour, his inconsideration, what?

Anyway, I suppose if you are happy to leave the situation as it is then thats it. But I'd put money down that you will be back here again posting another sequence of events in the near future.

There is an underlying problem in your relationship at the moment and the totality of his behaviour is a reaction to that problem. Another part of the problem is how you handle his behaviour because I think you enable it to some extent. But that's your business so enough said.

squire1

.....

Marksie

me&him wrote: »

i forgave him and now everything is ok

No its not. You have to address the underlying issues and that will take time.
If you think that its going to be fine from here on in you are mistaken.

You cannot just sweep all thats happened under the carpet like that

K_P

I'm glad you've made up, but I hope you realise that you have a long road ahead of ye before things are truly ok. I realise that it's a highly emotional time for you but to go from initiating divorce proceedings to

me&him wrote: »

i forgave him and now everything is ok

in a matter of 12 hours is pretty drastic. I really hope things work out for ye. Maybe I'm misreading your post but I hope that when you say "everything is ok" you realise that things are ok only for now. He's not going to change overnight and you still have a way to go before sorting out your problems.

wazzoraybelle

Don't know which of the pair of you is worse. From divorce to reconciliation in under 12 hrs( most of which spent asleep) . My advice; You both need to grow up!!!

LegacyUser

I seldom have the time to help people out here on Personal Issues, and the people that do give advice at times give reasonable advice, as long as people pick through it carefully, which most people will do. The advice given on your case so far has been fine.

I followed your story in this thread from the beginning, but I cant fathom your sudden sea-change this morning. A bit of make-up sex wont wipe away the things you have been saying and writing here, nor could it change the way you were feeling not so long ago. As in last night!! Are you really being true to yourself? Time will tell. I think those people that have given you support in previous posts will be more surprised than I. Its perhaps ironic how some people twigged that there was coke/drugs/alcohol involved and you've admitted that its true. Doesnt that tell you something?

Tread carefully, and come back and let us know how things are turning out in the coming months.

and good luck ......