Drat!

dak

Bloke goes into the pub and says to the barman: 'i'll have a pint of bitter please' Barman replies: 'sorry we don't sell bitter here' Bloke says: 'well ok, i'll have a pint of guinness then' Barman answers: 'sorry we don't sell any ales, we've only got this new stuff called "rat"' Bloke says: 'ok i'll have a half of rat please' Barman takes a rat out from under the counter, chops it in half, puts the tail end in a glass and gives it to the bloke. Bloke says: 'i can't drink that!' Barman asks: 'why not?' Bloke replies: 'it's got no head on it.'


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Did you hear the one about the rope ?
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Okay, I'll skip it.

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Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory,
and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room,
and I saw him take a fag ouit of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "
How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room,
I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."

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Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

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Q:What do you call a girl who sets fire to her telephone bill?
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A:Bernadette.

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Sven Goran Erikson was taking part in 'Millionaire'. He was up to the last, million pound question, and the questionaire put to him, "This is your last question for a million pounds, you have one lifeline, phone a friend, here we go". "What is the only bird in the world that doesn't build it's own nest?.
Sven thinks a second, then says, "I'm not sure, I should phone a friend". "Who would you like to phone?" asked the questionaire. "Becks", said Sven. "OK" said the man, "Lets get him in Spain. Becks answers the phone, and the questionaire says, "I have your boss here, ready to win a million, and you need to answer his question. "OK", says David.
Sven says, "David, what's the only bird in the world that doesn't build it's own nest?". "Thats easy" says David. "It's a cuckoo".
"OK" says Sven, "I'll go with that".
The questionaire says, "Your answer is right, you win a million pounds!!!"
Sven decides to fly to Spain to thank his saviour, and her goes to Becks house, knocks, and is let in. "How did you know it was a cuckoo?", asks Sven. "It's easy", says David, "Everyone knows cuckoos live in clocks"

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A woman asked her husband rather affectionately "Why do you keep calling me treasure"?
To which he replied "When we go out together my friends keep asking me where did you dig her up from"?