Friday Funnies

Hagar

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub.
He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring.
When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all.
Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment.
A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature.
He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon.
He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

============

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

============

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach.
Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach.
Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out,
"What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

============'
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
"Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year"
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....
He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

============

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
The widow feels that her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants.
I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe, that fits perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician replies, "There's no charge."
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice." "So I just switched their heads."

============

I have 2 dogs and was buying a large bag of Pal at Wal-Mart.
While standing in line at the check out a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
Women, huh.

============

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went th rough college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided togo back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

patmac

Very good, should have saved them for Monday!