Super Mega Happy Christmas Joke Thread

Hagar

Ok, it's December, Christmas is officially coming.
Lets make this the Christmas joke thread to end all Christmas joke threads.
Please add your jokes on to end.

Thread stickied 'til the end of the month.
Have fun.

Hagar

Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ...

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"

---

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

---

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.

---

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hell they go.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

---

A Scottish Santa, on duty at the local department store, was dressed in the kilt. He was, of course dressed in 'Regimental Fashion' (nothing under it).
A young boy, on approaching the venerable old gent, noticed this and, when asked what he wanted for Christmas, was hesitant to say.
His mother prompted him not to be shy. "Tell Santa what you want for Christmas dear."
The lad squirmed and finally blurted out "Well, Santa, if you can grant my wish I'd be so happy."
"What is it you'd like?" asked Santa.
"I'd like a wee set of bagpipes just like the one I saw under your kilt"!

---

Did you hear about the Jewish Santa who, when he came down the chimney, asked "Anyone want to buy some toys?

---

ne beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

Hagar

Hagar

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!!
[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie[/FONT]

Hagar

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken[/FONT]

Hagar

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"[/FONT]

Hagar

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
”Horn”-aments!

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can’t hear you!

What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
This one will “sleigh” you!

How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She’d go to a “re-tail”shop for a new one!

Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he’s a “rain”-deer!

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!

Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was “elf”-taught!

Why did Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
”Rude”-olph!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-“deer”!

What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
”Elk”-a-seltzer!

How do you get into Donner's house?
You ring the “deer”-bell!

What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santelope!

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

old boy

why is santa so happy and jolly during the month of december, he only comes at christmas

Capt'n Midnight

old boy wrote: »

why is santa so happy and jolly during the month of december, he only comes at christmas

why is santa so happy and jolly during the month of december
he knows where all the bad girls live

Hagar

This is taking off like a lead balloon.

Thread unstuck.

forbairt

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ?
She gave him the cold shoulder !

What do snowmen wear on their heads ?
Ice caps !

What do snowmen eat for lunch ?
Icebergers !

Where do snowmen go to dance ?
Snowballs !

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !

How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !


God they just reminded me so much of the jokes you used submit to your school annual when you were 7

FrCrilly

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

why is santa so happy and jolly during the month of december
he knows where all the bad girls live

Not a joke, but more a phrase that you can say to (hopefully) get a laugh:

“Will Santa be going into your room on Christmas night to empty out his sack/sac?”

patmac

Ok I heard this joke a few years ago so I have to type it instead of the usual copy and paste etc.
A little old lady goes into a pet shop looking for a Xmas companion as her husband had just died. The pet shop owner introduces her to Shay a budgie that sings Xmas carols.
She asks for a demonstration so he starts by lightning a match under the budgie’s left foot and the budgie gives a stirring rendition of ‘Hark the Herald Angel Sings’
He then lights a match under it’s right foot and the budgie sings ‘Silent Night’ quite beautifully.
The Little old lady was very impressed and enquired how much Shay cost and the owner said €75, so she purchased.

Anyway she brought him home and every night lit the matches under its feet and every night the Budgie sang beautifully.
So one night after several sherrys she decided to experiment and lit under the budgie’s left foot and the budgie gives a stirring rendition of ‘Hark the Herald Angel Sings’
She then lights a match under it’s right foot and the budgie sang ‘Silent Night’.

So daringly she lit in between the legs, and the budgie sang:


Shay’s nuts roasting on an open fire.



Dedicated to Finbar a friend murdered this year.

Capt'n Midnight

what's the difference between snowmen and snow-women ?

snowballs

mickrourke

What do you give a train driver for Christmas ?
Platform shoes

great unwashed

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
At Christmas, your wife is guaranteed to blow your bonus.

biko

Father Dougal: Next you’re going to tell us you’re Santa.
Father Ted: No Dougal. I'm the opposite of Santa.
Father Dougal: The anti-Santa?

mickrourke

Oh Hagar, you are gonna be so sorry you started this thread!

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan !

Dancor

Tampax have announced they will be using tinsle instead of string on the tampons this December, They hope it will brighting up the Christmas PERIOD

Capt'n Midnight

Did you hear about the dyslexic cultist ? He sold his soul to Santa.

mickrourke

So anyway Santa come up to me and says
'I'll sell you Rudolph and Prancer for 2 grand'
I said 'No way, thats too deer'

It wasn't me!

"Poor-spelling children pay dearly for letters to Satan"

atheist

Kid wakes up and finds Santa in the bedroom.
Kid says to Santa, "Are you from Fathers for Justice"?

mickrourke

I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for christmas.

It's such a joy to watch their faces light up!

mickrourke

In the true spirit of Christmas, I am not gonna let this thread die

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already.

Sam Kade

A mother took her seven year old son to see santa. Santa asked him well little boy what do you want for christmas? A berg gokart the boy replied at this stage the mother was shaking her head and waving her hands at santa to let him know that he wont be getting a gocart for christmas so santa told the boy that he wouldn't be able to fit the gocart down the chimney the boy replied ahh for f..k sake how did you get the pool table down the chimney last year.

Chinafoot

The Story of Christmas (for Dubs)

Dere's dis boord called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wharevor dah is).
She's not married or nuttin', but she's got dis felleh, Joe, righ'? He
does joinery an' all dah. Mary lives with him in a flah dowwen in Nazareh.

One day Mary meets dis yungfelleh Gabriel. She's like "Wha are yeh bleedin' lookin' ah?" Gabriel just goes "You're fookin' pregnant so yeh are". Mary's scarleh. She gives him a fookin' earful: "Are you bleedin' startin'? I'm no fookin' sluh. I never bin wih no one!"

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is on a mad buzz, bud. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
all.

She sez te Mary "Ah howeyeh, Mary, I can feel me chiseller in me
stummick and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all deh money we'll be getting from deh social." Mary goes "Yeah, s'pose you're righ' ".

Mary an' Joe haven't goh a fookin' bean so they have to ponse a donkey,
an' go dowwen te Behlehem on dah. Dey get to dis boozer an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her yungfelleh an' all.

But there's no fookin' roohem at the inn, righ'? So Mary an' Joe
break an' into this garridge, only it's filled wih animals. Cowis an' sheeps
an' all.

Then these three lads tourn up, lookin bleedin' rapih, wih crowens on
der heads an' all dah'. They're like "Ah Jaysis, howeyeh!" an' say dey're
deh tree wise men from de East Wall.

Joe goes: 'If you're so bleedin wiyis, wha de fook are yizzer doin' wih
dis Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why didn't yeh just bring gold, 20 Blue and Boorberry?'

It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got
anudder message bout some Punchis Pilah' hardchaw.

He's like 'Deh coppers is comin an' they is killin all de chisslers.
You better fook off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be fookin' off yer
bleedin' rocker if yeh tink I'm goin' te fookin' Egypt on a fookin' donkey'
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, bud. But it's your look out if yeh stay.' So
they go dowwen teh Egypt till they've stopped killin deh foorst-born
an' all an' annyways it's safe an' dah.

Then Joe and Mary and Jaysis go back to Nazareh, an' Jaysis turns water in deh Dutch Gold.

patmac

Bump.
Might as well continue this one from last year. Mods might stickie it till the end of the year.

patmac

Once again I got disqualified from my neighbourhood's best decorated house competition for having a 'bad attitude' :mad:

Booms

it's been done before, .but it isChristmas.

"Doctor, Doctor, I've got a mince pie stuck up my arse"
"Just a minute, I've got some cream here for that!"