Have Teenagers-Am Pulling Hair Out

hi-fi

:eek: Anyone out ther who can empathise ?

In the last three weeks alone there have been body parts pierced, classes missed, hair dyed, relationship ended and re-started, curfues broken etc...........

I really feel like I'm loosing my grip, can't keep up. I might just go and have something pierced or dyed to see how they like it !

Beruthiel

I remember at one stage mini me telling me she wanted to go get her nose pierced. I said, go right ahead, it's your nose. I also reminded her of what happened to my sisters nose when she got it done, you don't need the details but lets just say it wasn't pretty.
Mini me never got her nose pierced.
Years later she told me, I was no fun, I never gave her anything to rebel against like some parents, she feels she missed out on something
Don't sweat the small stuff, if they need to dye their hair or pierce something, let them.

Curfew's should not be broken though.
The few times that happened with her, the next time she went out, the curfew came back 30 mins. She learned very quickly not to break them.

luckat

Hmm. Sounds like a few statements being made here. What age teens?

Maybe it's time to sit down as a family - make an appointment for, say, Sunday night - and for each person to bring a list of things to talk about. Then listen more than you talk, write down what they say, and work out compromises. And maybe arrange to repeat the meeting every week or fortnight.

By the way, I'm reading a book I'd been hunting for a while -

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk

(got it in the library, had to reserve it and wait a couple of weeks). It's excellent on these difficulties.

hi-fi

the one doing the peircing is 17-he and his girlfriend(who's not his girlfriend) got matching ones done last week, she's what I believe is called an EMO-like a cross between grungers and punks-they're into heavy metal, heavier the better, bieng depressed and self harming which is very alarming. Street cred seems to be gained by how many anti-depressants you're on and they wear scars on their arms like trophies. I gained this knowledge from hacking his messenger account. She actually cut herself online while he watched on the webcam pleading with her not to. He has scratched an explicit on his arm and shown it to her online to which she replied-cool!!! He has assured us that this is all he has done, I can see his arms easily enough but can't really check anywhere else. I feel that he is a very stupid young fella who doesn't have a clue what he's getting into, we've banned and closed his messenger account and told him he's not to associate with this girl anymore, before this we did give him a few weeks to sort it himself but then he came home pierced etc. I know one of the golden rules is that if we forbid it we make it all the more attractive but I really think he's playing with fire here.

Teen no.2 is 16 year old girl- very good girl really but having a hard time recently with relationships etc. Trying our best to guide and advise but there's only so much you can do, they'll do their own thing anyway. She likes her books and school and gets a lot of flack because of it.

Teen no.3 is a 14 year old boy-Again, very good young fella too-not too many worries here, we just need to keep on his case about school work, he's very smart but would rather work with his dad(building cont.) than go to school and he's a better hand than most of the boys on the payroll.

Teen no.4 is 13 year old girl- daddy's girl. She's very good at school too and very popular, having a wee bit of a job at the moment keeping the reigns on this one, she seems to think she's 13 going on 18!!

Beruthiel

hi-fi wrote: »

She actually cut herself online while he watched on the webcam pleading with her not to. He has scratched an explicit on his arm and shown it to her online to which she replied-cool!!! He has assured us that this is all he has done, I can see his arms easily enough but can't really check anywhere else. I feel that he is a very stupid young fella who doesn't have a clue what he's getting into!!

Wow.
She sounds like a girl with a lot of problems.
Does he realise how wrong this is and that she's acting out because she has some major problems at home? Has he actually talked about that with you?

hi-fi

Don't know if he realises the seriousness of the situation at all, have talked and talked to him about it though. I do think at the minute it's a crush or a fad or whatever you'd like to call it. He's big into his music and his idols would all be coming from this sort of background so I think that has more to do with it than anything else. That said, what the hell do we do about it? If you give the situation too much attention it sends the wrong signals, if we leave him to it too much god knows where it'll end. It's like walking a tight rope. We're practically freaking out ourselves, if we take him to a councellor are we feeding the fire? I do think he'd love to be able to say " I'm so ****ed up the auld pair are sendin me to a shrink" I can just see it.

hottstuff

Achhh no!!
I have a 19month old girl and i hate the idea of what's to come.

Beruthiel

hi-fi wrote: »

I do think he'd love to be able to say " I'm so ****ed up the auld pair are sendin me to a shrink" I can just see it.

If that is where his head is at, I'm at a loss.
A friend of mini me ended up in hospital after cutting herself too deep. She had done this in my daughters bedroom. My daughter freaked out, that's not something she could handle.
She's not a stupid girl though and decided that she didn't need people like that in her life. That 'friend' got left to her own devices.
I brought her up to like heavy metal btw, it's possible to actually like that music without going off the deep end, but to just enjoy it just for the music itself.

If your son has half a brain, can he not be reasoned with?

luckat

Ah, you really need to talk calmly together about these things.

Don't freak out too much - I know it's worrying, but lots of sane, balanced adults went through similar stuff in their youth, and got sense.

It would probably be a good idea to bring in a well-qualified professional therapist too, since there's self-harming going on. The eldest lad and his girlfriend just sound distressed. I'd go and talk to his school (is he still in school?) and ask them to recommend somewhere - there are excellent State-run counselling services for teenagers.

Calm everything right down, though - this kind of behaviour absolutely feeds on drama-queening.

NextSteps

Maybe post this over on PI - I'd bet there are a few people on Boards who are part of the same kind of scene. Maybe they'll give you another perspective?

Piste

Th rest of your kids sou nd fine tbh, I'm sure there there are parents out there who'd kill to have kids like that!

The 17 year old needs to cop on though, srsly. I don't think you should take this self harming too seriously though, he doesn't seem to have any real reason apart from to look cool in front of his friends. Maybe though if there are some articles on self harming you can find and how it really ruined some people's lives you could give them to him to read instead of trying to preach at him yourself.


Best of luck!

Conor108

Yep that girl sounds like a textbook emo alright. The emos I know are mostly "poser emos", No self harm but they do the whole depressed thing. Im 16 and cannot for the life of me understand why its so popular. Seems to have exploded since that 'My Chemical Romance' band came on the scene.

cooperguy

The peirced and dyed thing I wouldnt bat an eyelid at. Its all reversable and a phase that does not have too much harm in it as long as it is not taken to extremes.

Im not going to pretend to know what the best coarse of action with the self harm is though.

undecided

ARRGHH!!!

I have a seven yr old girl who is well able to give me gruff at this age I'm dreading what has to come:(

Think I'll start looking for a boot camp now !;)

littlebitdull

We have a son of that age too.

The hair is just hair, he has had a fair range of hairstyles from long to mohawk, to striped mohawk, and its all just hair. While I hated the mohawk when it got very "high" - I just accepted that it was his hair to do with as he wanted. In fact I went onto the internet one day to help him find how to hold it best, and that annoyed him more than anything!! I think it made him cut it quicker than if Mammy was ranting and raving about it... acceptance of it was just not the point of his rebelion.

We have put the foot down on facial piercings , particularly lip or tongue ones. I just would not give him the money for it. But I compromised and allowed him to get his ear done a few times. Met him half way.

How did he handle you reading his msm? My lad would go beserk if I did that. And to be honest in a way I could understand him if he did. I would not listen in on his phone converstions, nor would I read his diary (if he had one) is reading his msm not the same?

If he is still associating with the girl in question I feel you would be better advised to get to know her. To invite her into your home, to encourage him to bring her home. You could keep an eye on them that way. And also what the parents accept can become exactly what the teenager does not want.

By forbiding the relationship your more likely to actual push them closer together.

Not sure if thats any help. I feel your pain.

Latchy

Am at present there with lad ,have to get there next with daughter but i am a patient and calm man sigh ......:

:eek: jezz i think i'll head over to the bar an have another drink ,and one for you to OP