Disapproving parents

popecatapetal

Greetings Boardsies,

To the more mature BodyMod members out there, a question. (I don't mean to offend the younger members, but anyone who's still going through their teenage rebellion, I-want-to-make-my-parents-notice phase, this is not aimed at you. Sorry.)

Did any of you have to deal with unsupportive parents with regards to your modifications, be they tattoos, piercing or stronger mods? My parents, while quite modern in most respects (drinking, relationships, etc.) really seem to dislike my piercings and tattoo.

Which is unfortunate, as I have planned at least one more tattoo, many more piercings, and a career as a piercing artist. (hopefully *fingers and all crossable appendages crossed*)

So my question to ye, the denizens of boards, is how ye worked your parents round to the concept of modification, if at all.

I am very close to my parents, especially my mother (yes, I am a girl) and I really don't enjoy seeing her upset. Which happens whenever I come home with a new addition to the body. I don't want to exclude her from my life by becoming what she hates, but I also don't want to deny myself my future happiness by trying to compromise.

Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how did you cope? What did you do?

All help is appreciated, as I really want to resolve this problem.

Thank you.

truthinwords

My parents don't like most of my piercings/tattoos. At first they thought I got them done just because they didn't want me too but now we've kinda come to the agreement that they respect my choice, they don't have to like it but they don't make negative comments. Although when I got a cherub on my arm in memory of my sister my Mam said she wanted it too and was mad up for it but then decided it wasn't for the best so she's coming round to it. I'm getting my Mam, Dad and Grannys portraits done on my arm in January.

xtruthx

bounty_hunter

I feel your pain popecatapetal. I'm still young but very well past the teenage rebellion phase, and I have the same problem. My mother and grandmother in particular actually used to fully believe there was something wrong with me that I wanted to "mutilate" myself by getting pierced and tattooed I still haven't managed to talk my old granny round, and in fact she still gives me looks of utter disappointment from time to time when she sees my face, but the way I resolved the issue with my mother was by trying to involve her in what I was planning to do next so that she began to understand it actually makes me happy and that I care about her opinion (which isn't entirely true in this case, but makes her feel good )

Now whenever I'm thinking about a new mod I ask her opinion and show her some pics, and in the case of a tattoo get her to have a look at my designs and critique them. The intention was to make her realise that this is actually a big part of me and I'm going to continue doing it so want her to be happy with my decisions and it's worked for me, so maybe give it a go.

Le Rack

*hands up in the air* OOH OH OH ME! Pick ME!

Yes, yes I have had that. Since I was about thirteen I was planning tatts and piercings, wanted my tongue done sice I was ten, bizarre I know but none of this ever went down well. If ever I was online looking up tatt and piercing pics and either parent walked in I'd be lectured on the spot about how I was never to destroy my body. I just laughed saying it was my body they couldn't watch me forever.

In my final year of school I was looking up more and my mam freaked some more, told her I'd be in college in a few months, living away from home, she couldn't stop me and it wasn't destroying my bod if I liked it. She was near in tears, (I wasn't b!tchy about it either I was smiling and laughing" and she threatened to move to Dub with me to keep an eye etc.

After about three weeks up here I came home with my tongue pierced, took her three hours to notice and she FREAKED, threatened to rip it out while I slept, near crying again but settled pretty quick when she realised it wasn't THAT noticable, I was near 19, my decission etc. The next day I tried so so hard to hide it from my Nanna, but my mate walked into the kitchen, while I was out talking to her boyf, and blurted at my mam, "how do ye like the...*points to her tongue*" only to realise my nan is sittin there so tries to cover it up but it was too late, Nan copped...and proceeded not to speak to me for two weeks...However when she seen my tragus, she just looked confused and said "did that not hurt?" mam went a bit mad, did her "you're destroying your body" rant and calemed back down...My grandad hasn't said a word, my aunt squirmed and moaned, and either my da is in serious denial of he still hasn't noticed over a year later!

As for tattoo's, the rents do not know. No sir.

At the end of the day, it's your body, it's your life, if you are happy in that living your parents should support you, I've had these problems with rents lately with quitting college so trust me, if it's what you want, if it's what'll make you happy, they'll support you

truthinwords

I hid my nipple piercing for like 6 months then one day my Mam put her hand on my chest for some reason. The look on her face is probably the funniest thing I've seen in my life. You could actually hear her thinking "Oh please god don't let it be a nipple ring" haha.

xtruthx

Attol

My parents still don't know about my nape piercing. The only reason they know about my tattoo is because I got absolutely trashed and was chatting to my dad about the Zep concert and told him my plans for expanding my tat if I won in the raffle. I tend to just get rolled eyes and a little bit of tutting but that's the brunt of it. Get a raised eyebrow whenever a new hole in my ear is noticed. I just wear my hair down when I'm at home, or a scarf and that covers my neck. The rest I don't need to hide anymore. It's not that I feel I have to hide it, just it's easier. They don't understand things like that and that's fair enough. I don't get their love of gardening or whatever other things they're into. They don't get most of what I like actually. They don't understand why I love Mario Galaxy at my age and all other Nintendo related things, they don't get why I go out so much, they don't understand the clothes I wear. The only things we share really are my mum and I's love for crappy reality tv and my parent's love of travel shows. Pizza is another common interest. Even my brother finds my piercings weird. When he saw my nape he asked why I'd do something like that to myself.

Crumble Froo

GOD****INGDAMMIT!

i've just typed up TWO quite long responses and BOTH have been ****ing lost as the ****ing thing has signed me off before i got the chance to ****ign post :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

basically i was saying keep communication lines open.

****ing ****ed up piece of ****ing ****! *kicks computer*

hot2def

you should be happy that your parents care enough to dissapprove. I could lop my arms off and a) it would be months before either of them saw me and b)they wouldn't notice.

I think that if you are in your early twenties, everyone's parents have a hard time dealing with their kids as adults doing what they want. Even if it wasn't tattoos, it would be engagements, where you choose to live, careers or college choices etc.

Having said that, my grandma is a badass. When I was 15 and I did my Work Experience in Snakebite, she came to visit, and is still asking how "those nice english boys" are doing. I have a portrait of her on my leg, which she loves. And on the day we opened in Inkwell, she came in to collect business cards to put in the charity shop she works in, and give to the other little old ladies....

Will

i would always just metion it in passing a few weeks before getting something done to plant the seed

theyl come around eventually, one parent will generally be more accepting than the other. my dad is pretty sound about it, he came to see me get tattoo'd and even paid for my microdermal last year.

popecatapetal

The problem with mentioning it to them beforehand is that they spend the next few weeks trying to talk me out of it, and I get guilty and start to question whether I should get it. I really don't like disappointing them about anything, and my mum is just so confused as to why I'd want to make myself look like a tinker (ever seen a traveller with snakebites?).

They way I've approached it so far is I'd get it done, tell them on the phone a few days before I'm coming home and let them have time to get used to it. It hasn't really been working... Mum just takes one look at me when I come in the door, sighs and looks upset all evening...

Also, what a kickass granny you have, hot2def:D have any of the little old ladies come in for anything yet?

Will

just mention it in passing, sublt hints. theyl get over it dont worry

Reku

My parents were reasonably supportive of the first two tattoos as they knew I'd put a lot of thought into if I really wanted them and they were also in places that wouldn't be a problem with work interviews. Did get a bit of the whole thing about them being "scummy" and how people will think I'm a thug, but they quickly let that drop. The other 3 (soon to be 5 hopefully) they don't know about as I think they might get a bit worried that I'm slowly accumulating them.
My grandfather did give me the whole "why would you do that to yourself?!?" etc.... talk when he eventually found out but then he tends to be like that for a lot of things, he's known to be a bit overbearing and interfering, he means well though.
My sister got much the same when she started getting more noticeable piercings (lip and nose).

I think the response from parents is like with so many other things; from the day they find out that they're going to have you and decide to keep you they start having these dreams about the life they will give you and how it will all unfold. They spend so many years imagining this fantasy life for you (all those years where you're too small to really rebel in a meaningful way) that then when it starts coming apart to reveal the life that you want to live they freak a little as their dream is what is coming apart.
Then there's also the whole thing of them being worried about both how you will be judged and perhaps to some extent how the judgements on you will spill over onto them. No parent wants to see their children going through hardships, especially if it was avoidable, as such due to the negative view still held by many middle-aged to older people (those who would likely control your future employment) tattoos/piercings will remain "an avoidable hardship" parents will wish to steer their kids away from for many years yet.

My parents are fine with it. I usually mention that I'm considering getting another piercing and then just come home one day with it done. I'm getting two more piercings in my lip and my tongue done in the next few weeks.

I think they came to the realisation that if they tried to stop me it would only make me more adamant that I get them done. I've always told them that there are far worse things I could be doing to my body, I don't do drugs and rarely drink so they don't mind if I come home with green hair and another hole in my face.

At the end of the day it's your body to do with as you wish. If you don't feel comfortable then don't do it, try not to let other people dictate what you should do.

Crumble Froo

ok, a lot of good points here.. now that i've calmed down, ill try post again, but i swear, if this one ends up lost as well, ill just cry (largely cos im still jetlagged and have been up since 6am)...

i know, with myself, and my teenage years, they were eh... a little... crazy. think spiralling-out-of-control kinda bizarre situations. by the end of it,*cougheditcough*, but after all that, something as minor as a new bit of metal or ink in my body really doesnt phase them all that much. my mam was relatively liberal with piercings for a while too... teh ones i have in my ears around the rim and my belly, she approved of. she took me in to get my belly done, too. my trag, she wouldnt come in as a guardian, so i had to wait til i was 17 and went in on my birthday to get it done.

by teh time i got ink done (and we were on decent speaking terms and it was seen), it was just a kinda 'oh, well, why am i not surprised' kinda roll eyes and pretend this conversation never quite happened kinda thing. it is generally well established at this stage that i have my own piece of life and am very, very very headstrong and it is my body, and this is waht i like. my nana actually, like hot2def, is probably my biggest fan
she absolutely loved my polar bear, and was helping me brainstorm ideas for my next piece too. it has crossed my mind to get a red setter on my shoulder in her general honour.

anyways, i digress... what i really wanted to share was when my best mate's mam found out i'd some ink. she's taken me in with open arms when things for me were a lot less than good, and i have to love and respect the woman (and fear, she can be a scary scary lady). but anyway, she found out i'd been inked. my mam and nana had been my main concerns but they took it well enough, considerin.g my mate's mam on the other hand... flipped. absolutely ****ing flipped. she hated it, full stop, except she kept ranting and rambling for what felt like hours. absolutely hated it. there were no ifs, buts, explanations, just a huge, deep sense of disapointment, and disgust, and i have to say, i was gutted. absolutely gobsmacked, but, it's important to me that the people i care about and hold in some sort of esteem do... well not so much approve of me... but... not actively hate a part of me.

if your parents are like that at all, popecat... can i call you poppy? (sorry).. then my heart does go out to you, im lucky in that my parents deal with it, and i usually do tell them and all that before i get stuff done, though anything personal regarding the meaning etc behind stuff, i do not share. it's all a friendly surface type thing to keep teh peace and stuff... but worth it, it's nice to have a piece of family to fall back on now and then

popecatapetal

Poppy is fine, yes, I know my name is a bit cumbersome:)

My mum doesn't rage at me or anything, she just goes quiet and refuses to look at me for a while when I have a new piercing. She said she hates tattoos, they make her feel physically ill. I hate hurting her, and making her so disappointed in me. Like you said narco, I don't want people I hold in high regard to hate a part of me, especially one that makes me so happy...

At times I find myself regretting ever getting the nose piercing. If I hadn't had that, I wouldn't have gotten interested in all this, and she wouldn't be disappointed in me. But at the same time, I know that's silly. She'd probably just have found something else to be disappointed about, my clothes or my posture or my eating habits, something. So I try to tell myself that at least I have something that makes me happy. But when she's guilt tripping me and making me feel bad for upsetting her it can be hard to remember that...

I want to tell her why they make me happy. I've tried, but she thinks that they just make me like how I look, and that without them I have no self confidence (which is partly true, I do feel much better about myself since I started getting pierced) and she tries to convince me that I'm pretty without them. She doesn't really try to listen to anything else I'm saying about why they make me happy, she always just siezes on that point.

I want her to support me in this. I've found something that makes me feel good, that makes me happy to be me, but she makes me feel guilty for it... I'm not really sure what to do...

Necronomicon

Wilburt wrote: »

i would always just metion it in passing a few weeks before getting something done to plant the seed

+1. That's what I did when I got my tattoo.

Haven't gotten a piercing yet, but do plan on it soon, so the process will start again. But I'm older and wiser since my first tattoo, so I don't think they'll care.

OP, have you considered just keeping the next one a secret? Probably wouldn't work with a piercing, but if you got a tattoo somewhere that doesn't get exposed a lot, then you might not have to worry about the problem. If it genuinely upsets your mom, but it's something you just love, then it might be best for all parties.

Karona_Marona

Before i got my first tattoo i kept telling my mam i was getting one and she was saying i wasnt. My dad really hates tattoos and told me he would throw me out of the house if i ever got one.

When i finally decided it was time to get a tattoo, i went down to dublin one day with a couple of friends and came home later on that night with it.

I showed her when she came in from the pub and told me she was "disgusted', she wasnt that angry but "disappointed" which is 10 times worse. I told her my reasons for the tattoo and eventually she calmed down (i got the tattoo for 3 people who have passed in my family and the 5 stars to represent my present family) The next morning i woke up and she left bepanthen by my bedside.

And about my dad.... i still havent told him i have a tattoo but i think he knows coz we went on hols to lanzarote in september and i was going around with my tattoo extremely visible and he didnt say one word to me.

Will

my mother hated my tattoo only because i told her it was a small one. she wasnt impressed, 3 weeks passed and she was talking to me again. my dad told me in the car that he thought it was cool. haha

stuff will pass, as you get more parents become more ok with it, but as hot2def said least your parents care

popecatapetal

Very true, I am glad they care. I look forward to a more relaxed time. It will be most excellent to be able to pursue my hobbies guilt free. Until then I shall bear all this in mind. Cheers everyone!

j0e

Thats one thing I have to say about me da, with everything that other parents have freaked at hes been pretty sound and just talked to me as a person(drink, drugs relationships etc). Basicly said its your call but be aware of where it leads and the results. I have to say having a parent like that can make a lot of things so much easier.

Star Lord

When I got my first tattoo, I couldn't wait to show my folks, thought they would be dead against it, but surprisingly they all thought that it was really nice! When I got my second one, my mum thought it was nice too, but my dad started saying don't get any more, you don't want to end up covered in 'those things' because it's not nice. I said I plan to get a few more done, and he wasn't happy, but he said it's your body, do what you want with it, but just be careful because you won't get a job with those things showing.

Popecatapetal I'd suggest talkin to your mum, asking her why she is so against them, explain why you like them and tell her how bad it makes you feel when she reacts like that to the things you love.

If it comes to getting another tattoo, talk with her, tell her you want to get another one, and you would like her to give her opinion on the designs, to help you pick one, that might help her come round, as you'd be involving her in the decision making (even if you just go with what you want and she doesn't like) involving her and letting her know that what she thinks does matter to you may be what it takes to bring her round.

Best of luck

Quattroste

farohar wrote: »

I think the response from parents is like with so many other things; from the day they find out that they're going to have you and decide to keep you they start having these dreams about the life they will give you and how it will all unfold. They spend so many years imagining this fantasy life for you (all those years where you're too small to really rebel in a meaningful way) that then when it starts coming apart to reveal the life that you want to live they freak a little as their dream is what is coming apart.
Then there's also the whole thing of them being worried about both how you will be judged and perhaps to some extent how the judgements on you will spill over onto them.

No parent wants to see their children going through hardships, especially if it was avoidable, as such due to the negative view still held by many middle-aged to older people (those who would likely control your future employment) tattoos/piercings will remain "an avoidable hardship" parents will wish to steer their kids away from for many years yet.

As a parent of 4 children (aged from 6 to 20) I can say, for me, this is absolute bullsh*t. I would guess many other parents would feel like me. Read what you have written and then spend a moment thinking about it. Do you really think that parents would dream up a life for their children? Have you forgotten that they have already been there and what you suggest they do is nothing short of foolish. Do you think your parents are foolish or is it you that is the foolish one?

There was one statement that was true "No parent wants to see their children going through hardships, especially if it was avoidable"

aido182

I have to say, Im with Quattroste on this. My daughter will soon be 18 and is talking about getting a tattoo as soon as she can. I've tried to talk her out of it. Not because I have anything against them, I really love tattoos and have two of them myself. So, that probably makes me sound like a hypocrite.

BUT, my point to her is this...when I was 17ish, i really wanted a particular design tattooed on my shoulder. As it turns out, i never got it done and ended up getting my first tat about 15 years later. I found that design recently at home and realised that it was utterly utterly naff:o! I am pretty sure I would have hated it by now. (in fact someone had a thread about tattoos they regretted and it would definately be in there). I dont want this to happen to her.

Now, she is talking about getting a small design somewhere inconspicuous so I will probably have to give in to that (she will be 18 after all) and bring her to a decent artist. But my overall point is that while parents may not be happy with their kids mods, it is NOT because they fear losing control of them, it is usually a genuine concern.

My only advice to you Popecatepetal is to try to reassure your parents that you absolutely know your own mind on this and that you have given your mod some serious thought and are happy that you are not going to compromise your future employment etc. Good luck

P.S. Sorry for the long post, hope you are still awake

Star Lord

Nice to see responses from some parents here, thanks you guys/gals!

Reku

Quattroste wrote: »

As a parent of 4 children (aged from 6 to 20) I can say, for me, this is absolute bullsh*t. I would guess many other parents would feel like me. Read what you have written and then spend a moment thinking about it. Do you really think that parents would dream up a life for their children? Have you forgotten that they have already been there and what you suggest they do is nothing short of foolish. Do you think your parents are foolish or is it you that is the foolish one?"

So you make/made no plans for your children whatsoever? Now who's bullsh*ting? Either that or you're a rather callous parent.
If parents did not let their minds slip to the future and the potential lives that their children might lead then miscarriage would not be such an upsetting thing, even by choosing a name for the child before it is born they are already imagining when it will be born.
Planning for the child's future is engrained in our DNA since the better the child does the better the odds of the continuation of the parent's genetic material, or at least those fragments passed to that child.

hairyfairy00

I bought my mum her first tattoo for her 50th, she has 2 now and plans on getting more. I got my first at the same time and have 5 now, just got my latest one done a week and a half ago.
My dad didn't really like the idea of piercings or tattoos, it freaked him out when he saw my belly button piercing but now he also has 2 tattoos. I think he secretly always wanted them but he had to pretend to be the disapproving parent

Sofaspud

I didn't tell anyone - literally anyone - that I was getting a tattoo. I thought it'd be funnier to let them go "what the fcuk is that?", so I "accidentally" showed some friends after I got it done.

My mother didn't find out about it until about a week after I got it, when she saw some e45 cream I brought home. She asked what it was for, and I said "hang on, I'll show you!" and she thought I was injured until I showed her.

At first she was calling me a fool, saying I should've got a "little dainty one" (my one takes up most of my upper arm), but afterwards she just took the piss out of me, as she does every time I get a new piercing. She also knows I will be getting more tattoos and piercings, and knows that it's my choice, "foolish" as it may be.

popecatapetal

Thanks for all the input everyone. It's especially interesting to hear the parents' point of view. I'm definitely going to try explaining why I love mods, and what motivates me to get them to her at some point over christmas. If that goes well, fingers crossed, I'll start asking her opinion of future projects, but I'm going to try to not get my hopes up too high for that happening...

It's good to have support though, so thanks y'all:D

Quattroste

farohar wrote: »

So you make/made no plans for your children whatsoever? Now who's bullsh*ting? Either that or you're a rather callous parent.
If parents did not let their minds slip to the future and the potential lives that their children might lead then miscarriage would not be such an upsetting thing, even by choosing a name for the child before it is born they are already imagining when it will be born.
Planning for the child's future is engrained in our DNA since the better the child does the better the odds of the continuation of the parent's genetic material, or at least those fragments passed to that child.

I'm not getting into a p*ssing contest with you Farohar. Your statement said that Parents "dream of the life they will give you and how it will all unfold".

I don't! The only plans I have for my children is that they have a safe house to stay in, they have love, and that they feel they have the support of their parents. I listen, I guide and I support(within reason). After that it is up to them.

Oh and by the way, WTF are you talking about with planning a childs future being engrained in our DNA? I'd like to see you prove that one.

Reku

Quattroste wrote: »

I'm not getting into a p*ssing contest with you Farohar.

And "bullsh*t" is such a friendly and respectful of other peoples' views and oppinions terminology.:rolleyes:
How about you get off your high horse and admit that perhaps you are the exception to the rule? I analyse human behaviour from a general point no naming names, no specifics, yet because you do not feel you follow that generalisation it must all be bullsh*t.
Seriously, if you can some up with a well reasoned arguement that is not just based on "well I do it this way" I'll accept it, otherwise you've said nothing to really counter what I said and just instead opened with a hostile stance and continued it with the p*ssing contest remark.

Quattroste wrote:

Your statement said that Parents "dream of the life they will give you and how it will all unfold".

I don't! The only plans I have for my children is that they have a safe house to stay in, they have love, and that they feel they have the support of their parents.

Ergo dreaming up a future for them, many people do not get these things so these plans are as yet dreams. The only future you can think of for them that is not currently fantasy is that they will die and even to think on circumstances of their deaths is dreaming/imagining as no-one knows how anyone will die until it actually happens.

Quattroste wrote:

Oh and by the way, WTF are you talking about with planning a childs future being engrained in our DNA? I'd like to see you prove that one.

I'd like to see you prove you have kids... anyone can say they are anyone and have anything over the internet afterall.:rolleyes:
If it weren't we would leave the child once it was born, force it to fend for itself. This would result in only the strongest surviving and thus a smaller but stronger species. Even keeping food for a child, or say choosing to have it in hospital as opposed to where-ever it happens to pop out is planning it's future. Ensuring the survival of the child and best prosperity (best situation and possibile chances for mating and passing on genetic material) is engrained in the DNA of all mammals and many other creatures whether you like to admit it or not. It's why young girls are usually encouraged to play dress-up (look pretty), young boys to build and be tough (provider and alpha male).

Quattroste

Well I can't argue with that can I.