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Cocaine packets to issue government health warnings

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  • 13-12-2007 1:29pm
    #1
    Neil3030
    Registered Users Posts: 17,154 ✭✭✭✭


    Borrowed (ahem) from The Spanner Online
    Cocaine packets to issue government health warnings

    The offices of Dail Eireann witnessed an overflowing spike of press activity this afternoon, as Health Minister Mary Harney and Justice Minister Brian Lenihan unveiled a rapidly commissioned protocol to curb the cocaine epidemic, which will force vendors of the popular recreational drug to issue at least one of a variety of government sanctioned warnings on the packaging of all quantities sold.

    The warnings are to be placed in bold red ink on all plastic bags, tinfoil, balloons, condoms or other forms of temporary storage for measurements of the drug. Following a "buffer period" of three weeks, undercover inspectors will begin routine randomised checks of merchants throughout the country and hefty fines will be enforced on any vendors who do not cooperate with the measures.

    The warnings in question will focus on the pharmacological, social, physiological and economic hazards of the drug, and examples released today by the Ministers included vary from the more practical advice:-

    "Snorting cocaine will make you feel immortal - but you're not, you can die you know"
    "Cocaine is expensive"
    "Snorting cocaine off a toilet is minging"
    "Cocaine is often smuggled in bums - human bums"

    to more extreme reminders:-

    "More people were killed this year snorting cocaine than by alcohol, drink-driving, familial conflict, cancer, AIDS and old-age combined - fact"
    "If you read this you are funding global terrorism - in all its forms"
    "Unlike anyone else, ever, cocaine dealers kill people... children too - cute ones"

    It is hoped that within the first year of this strategy, the usage levels of cocaine in Ireland will dramatically reduce from the estimated 1 in 10 members of the Irish population of all ages, in a comparable mold to that of cigarettes, fast food and reality TV, which have virtually vanished out of Irish society since governmental legislation took drastic steps to warn people of the associated risks of these recreational outlets.

    However the initiative may face a roadblock in acquiring a spokesperson; in order to not appear hypocritical, the Ministers are adamant on fronting this campaign with any member of the Irish media - be it printed press, television, radio or otherwise, who doesn't regularly partake in the consumption of cocaine, and Pat Kenny is otherwise engaged in a wine-making course.

    Sorcha King-Whelan

    "Cocaine is often smuggled in bums - human bums" - lol :D


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