Discipline

cue

Looking for some experience please. Our youngest child is nearly three. She has a fierce temper and will slap and hit anyone. She screeches and stamps her feet when she is annoyed. When told not to do something she will continue to push by repeating the action and watching to see our response, which I find frustrating. When she is finally reprimanded she sulks or storms off. I imagine this is normal behaviour for a child but I have no experience of how to deal with it as our elder child has quite a different personality.

luckat

She's desperate for attention. Give her lots of attention *when she's being good* and she'll be fine; you can then gently turn her away from solving her frustrations with violence.

Actually, maybe we should try this with George Bush. Hmm.

A friend of mine who had the same problem with her two kids some years ago went so far as to hide sweets around the house, and when she'd "catch them being good" she'd magically produce a sweet, hand it to the child with a smile and walk off. She now has the most adorable, successful teenagers.

keystone

Hi there.

I have a three year old little girl and she was the same as yours. Its too flippant and easy to say it is just attention she is looking for.

We basically emlpoyed the naughty step and the naughty box for this behaviour. After a cuple of tough weeks, her behaviour is vastly improved.

Nevyn

You have to be consistant and you are right she is a different child from your first.
It could be that you have to catch her being both bold and good.
I know with my second she is a lot more 'cute' then my eldest and tought she was able to get away with a whole lot more.

Supervise her closly for a few days and see who much she is getting away with or worse
thinks she is getting away with. If she feels she is getting away with things then she will not accept your authority which sets you up for power struggles for the rest of your life with her.

The terrible twos are hard but the trying threes are just as bad, but from a different point of view. She is figuring out how to emotionally blackmail and to push your buttons.
No child likes being worked up and upset and you have to get to her before that and also lay down the rules as to what is and is not acceptible.

Mine get asked are they are child or a cat if they start hissing and throwing a strop,
that usually stops them in thier tracks and makes them look at me as if I am demented or they start laughing, it breaks the mood.



Have you started an achievement chart with her ?
Start with a good behaviour you want to encourage and award stickers for that behaviour and for some children the stickers are enough of a reward or pick a toy and
palying with that toy is the reward when the stickers are earned.

Once she has gotten used to that then start a chart for a behaviour you wish to discourage.

I would suggest trying to let go of over you parented your first and look at what your 3 year old needs.

Are there other adults which can be brought in to back you up ?
Ie if she was to have a strop in front of an aunt or granny or one of your firends would having them be shocked and surprised at her behaviour as they think she is a good girl
help ?

Is she in a play group ?

What type age gap is there between her and your eldest ?

cue

Thanks for the input. Will try out a few of your suggestions and see how we get on. She can be adorable when things are going her way. Its just her reaction to discipline is quite strong-willed whereas her brother (now 7) just gave in immediately, or at least he had the ability to stay and listen and eventually discuss. She starts playschool in January and will be three in February.

luckat

It's not flippant to say she is seeking attention with bad behaviour - it's a simple observation of children.

A child who wants attention desperately will get it with bad behaviour. Even if the kind of attention the child gets is negative, it's still worth the payoff.

If you (as sensibly suggested by Thaedydal) watch her closely for a few days - or even a few hours - you will certainly find that she becomes angry as a way of getting your attention.

You will also find that she reacts to tiredness by being cranky and angry.

A child with this kind of up-and-down temperament particularly needs a calm and structured life, so that you can provide quieting, nourishing snacks when the blood sugar dips, and calming moments when the temper rises.

But the most important thing is to encourage good behaviour with instant rewards, and *not* to give a lot of attention - even naughty-step attention - to boldness.

I'd have to say that I'm not a fan of the naughty step, which seems similar to the bold corner of my own childhood, and a crushing judgment that just makes this kind of child (of which I was (am!) one) stand there antry and hurt, plotting later vengeful boldnesses.

embee

luckat wrote: »

It's not flippant to say she is seeking attention with bad behaviour - it's a simple observation of children.

A child who wants attention desperately will get it with bad behaviour. Even if the kind of attention the child gets is negative, it's still worth the payoff.

If you (as sensibly suggested by Thaedydal) watch her closely for a few days - or even a few hours - you will certainly find that she becomes angry as a way of getting your attention.

You will also find that she reacts to tiredness by being cranky and angry.

A child with this kind of up-and-down temperament particularly needs a calm and structured life, so that you can provide quieting, nourishing snacks when the blood sugar dips, and calming moments when the temper rises.

But the most important thing is to encourage good behaviour with instant rewards, and *not* to give a lot of attention - even naughty-step attention - to boldness.

I'd have to say that I'm not a fan of the naughty step, which seems similar to the bold corner of my own childhood, and a crushing judgment that just makes this kind of child (of which I was (am!) one) stand there antry and hurt, plotting later vengeful boldnesses.

luckat,

you are making fairly sweeping generalisations about children in your post. It is simply not true to say that children lash out and behave in a bad way to attract attention. 3 year old children can act out for any number of reasons - frustration at not being understood, boredom, anxiety, stress, hunger, tiredness and so on. To say that children are acting out just to get attention is pretty short-sighted, regardless of whether or not it is an "observation of children". Do you observe hundreds of 3 year olds on a regular basis? How would you know this?

Anyways, I would go along with Thaeds advice. A 3 year old is old enough to understand the concept of achievement charts and reward schemes.

It is hard for a second child sometimes - their older sibling seems so much more understood and grown up. I'm sure she is a sweet little girl - she is just venting and lashing out and the best thing for you to do is get to the root of it and help her work through it.

Best of luck, cue. Let us know how you get on. I've an almost 2 year old who is starting to show little flashes of the terrible two's and I'd be keen to get advice from anyone else on how to run damage limitation

embee

Its not letting me edit my previous post, but I just wanted to say....

luckat wrote:

I'd have to say that I'm not a fan of the naughty step, which seems similar to the bold corner of my own childhood, and a crushing judgment that just makes this kind of child (of which I was (am!) one) stand there antry and hurt, plotting later vengeful boldnesses.

Very young children (as in the case of the OP's 3 year old) do not have a grasp on the idea of revenge and certainly don't plot to be bold at a specific later time in the day. That is pure nonsense.

luckat

I think in the end it's a question of parenting styles.

If you're a fan of the punitive style of parenting, you'll look for ways to punish a behaviour that's not what you want.

If you're a fan of the positive-reinforcement style, you'll look for ways to reinforce good behaviour.

keystone

Hi there,

Just reading what other comments came through.

It is obviously down to parenting style. All kids are different so there is no black and white solution.

There are various 'magic solutions', none of which totally work. For us, as I have said, the Naughty Step and Naughty Box worked but in conjuction with positive reinforcement i.e. charts, rewards, education and so on.

I still believe it's too flippant to say it just attention that the child desires. This may be a factor but is certainly not the only one. I would find it insulting if that comment was laid at me as so called advise no matter what the context.

Luckat, I echo Thaeds comments.

Totally agree with Thaeds and Embee's comments.

Best of luck Cue. It's a challenge but is well worth it.

luckat

I didn't intend any insult.