How to be an Evil Overlord

Hagar

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
65. If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive-" the command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more alone the lines of "Push the button/"
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet ac

Capt'n Midnight

a classic, BRB

http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

Capt'n Midnight

The Dungeon

Peter's plan to create a Top 100 List has come to fruition. However, there are several other bits of advice he'd follow if he ever became an Evil Overlord...


101. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

102. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

103. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

104. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

105. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

106. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

107. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

108. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

109. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

110. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

111. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

112. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.

113. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

114. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

115. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.

116. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

117. No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"

118. If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.

119. I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.

120. Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.

121. If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

122. The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.

123. If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.

124. Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.

125. Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.

126. Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.

127. Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.

128. I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.

129. Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.

130. All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.

131. I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.

132. Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

133. If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

134. If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

135. My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

136. If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.

137. Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.

138. The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.

139. If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

140. I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

141. As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.

142. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

143. If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.

144. I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.

145. My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.

146. If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.

147. I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.

148. Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

149. Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.

150. I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

151. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.

152. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.

153. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.

154. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.

155. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

156. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.

157. Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.

158. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.

159. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.

160. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.

161. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

162. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.

163. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.

164. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.

165. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.

166. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.

167. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.

168. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.

169. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.

170. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.

171. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.

172. I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.

173. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.

174. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

175. I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.

176. I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.

177. If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.

178. If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.

179. I will not outsource core functions.

180. If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.

181. I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.

182. I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.

183. Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.

184. I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).

185. If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.

186. I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.

187. I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.

188. I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.

189. I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.

190. If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.

191. I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.

192. If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.

193. If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

194. I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.

195. I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.

196. I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.

197. I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

198. I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.

199. I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.

200. During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.

201. All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.

202. All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.

203. I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.

204. I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.

205. All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.

206. When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.

207. Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.

208. Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.

209. I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.

210. All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.

211. If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.

212. I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.

213. I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.

214. If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)

215. If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.

216. If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.

217. If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.

218. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.

219. I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.

220. Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."

221. My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.

222. I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"

223. I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.

224. I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".

225. I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.

Hagar

My bad, it was floating around on an old email.

Credit duly acknowledged.

Capt'n Midnight

226. I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.

227. I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.

228. If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.

229. If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.

230. I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.

231. Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.

Capt'n Midnight

Guidelines for Evil Empresses ( http://nift.firedrake.org/EEmpress.htm )

1. Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter for the former.
2. I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for vain attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.
3. I will not fret over the comparative beauty of the Hero's True Love or any Beautiful Yet Innocent kinfolk. They may be attractive enough for peasant wenches/quivering maidens; but I am The Evil Empress, and there is no comparison.
4. I will not bed the Hunky Hero before my plan is executed, unless having him believe I am carrying his child gives me a decisive advantage.
5. While seduction has its place in my vast arsenal, I realize that "evil" and "skanky" are not mutually inclusive. Royal Dressmakers unable to realize this fact will be flayed alive in the presence of their replacements.
6. I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing crucial plans.
7. My slinky sorceress' robe will have a chain mail foundation garment, at minimum.
8. I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sensual advances. If he doesn't succumb to me, I will not fly into a jealous rage. Instead, I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him picked off as he exits the fortress.
9. Where winks, suggestive remarks, and body language won't get me what I want, a well aimed semi-automatic will.
10. Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster. If it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for the blaster.
11. I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to confiscate all weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero. "Interrogations" in my private chambers will only be conducted if the Hero is completely nude. This will, in fact, satisfy a number of objectives at once.
12. I will promote chivalry and urge my minions to exhibit proper behavior at all times when it is not counterproductive to my schemes. This increases the chance of running up against only chivalric Heroes, as well as increasing the surprise factor when I ditch the pretenses and get really vicious.
13. I will not seize power for my beloved son or husband or other close individual, especially since they may not, in the end, be grateful that I was so ruthless and treacherous on their behalf. I will seize power for myself and grant my loved ones small fiefdoms they can call their own, if they want.
14. If the Hero is an old lover of mine (and they almost invariably are), I will remember just why he is a former lover, and keep it in mind as I destroy him.
15. If I know the Hero is an old lover of mine and he is not aware of this fact, I will keep it to myself. I will be more able to exploit his weaknesses and my other intimate knowledge about him if I do not allow my identity to be revealed.
16. If the Hero says he is willing to betray his cause and accept my offer of ruling the world at my side, he will only be believed once that betrayal results in his cause's total destruction, at which point his demonstration of total lack of principle should lead to his immediate execution.
17. I will not punish or kill lovers who fail to satisfy me. Such a policy would cause performance anxiety in future lovers, defeating the purpose. I will instead reward exceptional effort, and lavishly reward exceptional proficiency.
18. My poison-fanged or -clawed beast minions will not be spiders, snakes and ravens, but kittens, goldfish, and canaries.
19. I will wear breakaway clothing whenever risking capture. It will facilitate escape if I am grabbed, and it will distract the captor (but not me) for those crucial seconds it will take me to either escape or steal his own weapon.
20. I will wear form-fitting clothes rather than flowing gowns: they're just as, if not more, flattering and are less likely to snag on something or catch fire at the moment of triumph or escape.
21. If I require my Hag or Crone to poison someone, I will require the poison be quick and deadly rather than a mere sleep aid.
22. My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool lesbians or have a nice pool of suitable comely men of their liking at home.
23. My Amazon Hordes will wear full body armor, rather than three small triangles of chain mail, which are reserved for dress occasions.
24. The infantry of my Amazon Hordes will use advanced tactics such as the Phalanx and will employ sophisticated weapons such as the 10' pike when closing with the enemy, but only after the longbow-women have emptied their quivers from 200 yards away.
25. I will re-evaluate any job that requires manipulating a man in my thrall. Chances are one of my Amazons could do the job with less risk.
26. Male Sidekicks are almost always corruptible with a wink and a nod or charmable by a simple spell or potion, at least until the crucial encounter with the Hero, at which time they should be safely entombed somewhere far from the action.
27. The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks generally makes killing them the least bothersome tactic.
28. If I married into the title of Evil Empress, I will let my Overlord take the flak for the Empire's evil actions and ingratiate myself to the people with my kindness.
29. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then my very first order of business must be the disposal of the Evil Overlord, since he must already know he can't possibly trust me as far as he can throw me.
30. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then using the Hero to free me of the Overlord does not obligate me to abdicate my throne.
31. If I am competing with other Overlords, Empresses and High Priests for ultimate domination, I will assume they have access to this and other lists and the brains to listen to them.
32. I will not try to turn a son (even mine) against his father, no matter how estranged to two are. Blood relatives can be annoyingly sentimental.
33. I will neither repress my Beautiful but Wicked Daughter nor smother my Handsome but Evil Son. It's hard enough raising a ruling family these days without extra dysfunctional baggage. No one wants disgruntled offspring suddenly "seeing the light" and turning Good simply because mother dearest gave them an unhappy childhood.
34. Unless immortality comes with Absolute Power, I'd better be grooming my Evil Offspring to take the reigns someday. It's better to carefully feed their growing lust for power by gradually increasing Imperial responsibilities than having them plot my untimely demise.
35. If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful but Innocent Daughter, as opposed to a Beautiful but Wicked Daughter, I will unconditionally love and nurture her nonetheless, and be as supportive as possible of any budding romantic relationship with potential young Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic action while I study his strengths and weaknesses, b) cause emotional conflicts within the Hero that will encourage fatal hesitations or mistakes, c) provide another chance for my daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to eliminate her.
36. I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately to kill my Beautiful Yet Innocent Stepdaughter (she's destined for something, count on it). Instead I will treat her with all the kindness and love possible while slowly reshaping her in my image.
37. However insatiable my appetites are, it is virtually guaranteed that at least one of my millions of subjects is both far more gifted at satisfying them and far more loyal to me than the Hero who seeks my destruction, no matter his reputation with the ladies.
38. My personal servants will be professional bodyguards and assassins, but will dress and behave as eunuchs and maidservants. Even if I dismiss my regular guards for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal servants (just so much furniture after all, right?) will remain in my chambers.
39. Any one bodyguard who cannot maintain concentration and discipline in my boudoir will be eliminated immediately by the others.
40. I will learn the various arts of self defense and not rely solely on muscular minions to protect me.
41. The appearance of weakness can be as useful as the appearance of strength. I will exploit the double standard for all its worth.
42. If I must enlist the powers of the nether-worlds I will first bone up on contract law. My own soul, mind, and/or (especially) body will never be negotiable.
43. If I get the bright idea to seduce a powerful yet malevolent being into becoming an ally, the actual seduction can be handled by my body double. Exotic anatomies are not to become a factor.
44. My Radiant Amulet of Power will not be worn around my neck on a thin gold chain, or on a ring that is two sizes too big for my finger. If a line of sight is required, then a good strong locking watchband will do. If the amulet need not be exposed, being Empress I have a variety of far more secure hiding places at my immediate disposal - and to hell with the glow.
45. Men already enthralled by my Feminine Wiles will just as easily take my orders when radioed from my fortress as in person on the front lines.
46. I will keep my hair short and my fingernails trimmed. Short hair provides no convienent handle for the Hero, Sidekick or Backstabbing Evil Ally. Trimmed fingernails enable me to press The Button myself, rather than rely on minions with blunt nails or try to find a stick.
47. I will locate any phobias or nervous habits I may posses and take therapy until I can overcome them; that way, I can't be chased from the scene of my Ultimate Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the air vent.
48. If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom into open rebellion, I will hire a top PR firm to create the public image that I am 1) only a figurehead and that all power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2) misunderstood; or 3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her Council. Choices 1) and 3) give me the option to keep my head if my side is defeated by the Hero -- and leave the possibility of a sequel.
49. The internet is my friend. I can inspire loyalty with www.EvilEmpress'.budoir.live.com (be it with a body double or not as the mood strikes me) and obedience with www.EvilEmpres'.pit-of-dispair.live.com.
50. If there is any conceivable thing the sight of which can melt me into mawkish sentimentality, I will wear sunglasses designed to make it look like a Chia Pet.
51. If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will probably make a far more suitable Love-Happy Stooge. Keeping this in mind, I will beware advisers who might have a Non-Evil twin.
52. Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses, high their screams, or incompetent their sidekicks, will be treated as the credible and dire threats they are, and I will direct as many, if not more resources to their destruction as I would for a more classical Hero.
53. If I take an Orphan as my own to corrupt I will be sure that no genetic relative exists to turn him or her against me.
54. Investigate the lineage of all prospective allies. Allies lacking any trace of grandparents, or whose genetic roots intersect with yours, or whose genetic roots intersect any known or suspected dieties should be kept at arm's length (but within blaster range).
55. Allies need never see my command center or budoir. Almost any business can be taken care of in a rented conference room.
56. I will not expose myself needlessly to potential personal security risks, such as by shopping, or allowing my Beautiful but Innocent Daughter to shop at the local Star Galleria Mall. As Empress of all I Survey, the merchants will come to me with their wares - after being throughly vetted by my Chief of Palace Security (to prevent assassination attempts), and then by my household steward (to avoid fashion disasters and poor quality goods) before being brought to my attention for purchase.
57. I will not transform the rival/good sorceress and exile her to the back of beyond. If she can't keep me from transforming her, she can't keep me from killing her.




Other Evil Advice



Notes regarding Ultimate Weapons/Spells

1. I will never attend an auction of an Ultimate Weapon. If it's truly as good as advertised, the auctioneer would already be the Evil Overlord.
2. Any Ultimate Weapon that requires assembly of five components scattered to the four corners of the earth can be made in my private laboratory with three times the security in probably half the time.
3. Any Ultimate Weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and its components scattered to nearly inaccessible niches across the globe could not have been that great in the first place, or else it would never have been disassembled.
4. If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning leaves me weak and vulnerable from the expenditure of energy, I will only undertake it deep in the center of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep before applying the results.
5. There is a reason why the spell book of the last Evil Empress is available to me. If I came into possession of it through any means that involved defeat of its power, I will use it as a doorstop only.
6. Instead of going through the trouble and risk of stealing a 200 MT nuclear device and ransoming a city for the billions of dollars I'll need for my Ultimate Diabolical Plan, I'll simply open a evangelical tele-ministry. That way I also get a bonus Fanatic Legion that will obey my every command, should I ever need such a a thing.
7. If I come into possession of, or manage to assemble the Ultimate Weapon, I will immediately use it at full power in direct pursuit of my goal of world domination. No warning shots across the bow, No "This is only a fraction of my weapon's potential!" grandstanding. I will also refrain from using the Ultimate Weapon for simply offing the Hero. If it's really the UW, the Hero's efforts will come to naught anyway.
8. No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality that is so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of stolen time.
9. If my superweapon can be controlled by computers or other electronic/electrical means, then there is no need for there to be only one set of controls right next to the main power source. A fake set, directly connected to a multi-amp circuit, will occupy this location.
10. While it may be tempting to use an Ultmate Weapon or Spell with a rare, almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if many Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same effect, I will employ them instead.
11. I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells as a long term solution to civil unrest. a) They wear off, or eventually the subjects gain or breed immunity, and the population I made to love me will grow to hate me. b) Outsiders not falling to the initial spell will quickly become suspicious at my subjects' mindless happiness and obeisance, and try to do something about it.

Notes on Fortress Construction

1. If I ever have real reason to install any type of self-destruct mechanism, it will only be triggerable at the heart of the device/ship/fortress and it will implode from the outside rather than explode from the inside.
2. My Command Center will have a heavily guarded room at the bottom of a 100 story subterranean shaft that will contain a sophisticated bus-sized computer with a fake encoded plan, no external link, and no real function whatsoever. The real command center will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card-table with a folding chair at the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked 'standpipe valves' accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.
3. If at all possible, no exhaust ports will lead directly to the heart of the reactor core. If that is unavoidable, all such exhaust ports will have closeable reinforced blast doors every other level and alternate routes of venting in case of emergency.
4. All my computer systems will have uninterruptable power supplies. All my circuitry will use breakers or fuses of the appropriate tolerances.
5. It is never necessary to store explosive materials and/or fuel anywhere near my central control or commuter complex. If for some reason such a situation should come about, they will not be in the same room as the central computer. They will be in a concrete bunker protected by blast doors and fire prevention systems. The same goes for the vats of toxic waste, acids, and super-cold liquids.
6. All non-instantaneous deathtraps (drowning pools, trash compactors, gas chambers, etc.) in my Fortress will be isolated from the communications and power grids.
7. I must assume that deathtrap manufacturers' brochures base their Estimated Time to Kill (ETK) on tests using non-heroes (and moreover generally test only the minimum ETK). Therefore, Heroes trapped in one of my non-instantaneous deathtraps will remain there a minimum of several times longer than its ETK, and even then will be treated as potentially dangerous until any remains are incinerated.
8. All deathtraps will have only one way in or out -any way out leading to an even more cunning deathtrap that works faster.

Notes on Alliances of Evil

1. I will never enter into an alliance I am not sure I can betray if I need to. I will always assume my new allies have this same condition.
2. When it is time to unite all the diverse underworld organizations into a single cohesive crime syndicate, the meeting with all my fellow under-bosses will not feature the elimination of the vociferous objectors and intimidation of the rest. It will feature the deputization of the most powerful that I can control easily and the elimination of the rest

Gender Non-specific Evil Miscellany or Good Advice for the Evil at Heart

1. My planned assault on the rebel base will take place after my assault on the rebel base.
2. If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opportunities for absolute power, which invariably backfire. If my objective is absolute power, I will consider settling for world domination.
3. If I can't execute the Hero immediately, I can take the time to completely - and I mean no finger, toe, or tongue wiggling - immobilize him.
4. One of my close advisers will be a prolific hack novelist. If my plan matches or mimics any of his plots, it will be summarily rejected.
5. I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve the job.
6. If a messenger interrupts me during a meal, meeting, bath, or romantic encounter, I will first assume he has a real, urgent reason for doing so. He'll be executed only if the interruption was indeed pointless.
7. If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I outclass my opponent in skill and finesse, I will fight dirty and get the job done as quickly as possible.
8. Total commitment is essential: if I discover that I have not truly and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all world-domination efforts until that last morsel of Goodness can be expunged.
9. The "safety" switch on my personal blaster and laser sword will in fact be a "reverse" or "overload" switch.
10. If I cannot take the time to create and remember a nonsensical 12 digit password with numbers, symbols, and alternate cases, I might well keep my Ultimate Plan in an ASCII file on my desktop.
11. Any captured-and-released or -escaped Hero will have numerous tracking devices of several levels of detectability installed in his effects, vehicles, and person, at least one of which will have been ingested with his last food or drink. Even so, I will never fail to put up a serious effort to track or intercept him by other means as well.
12. If my Evil Offspring is corrupted by the forces of Good, I will not try to attempt to bring him back to the Dark Side. I will give him up as a lost cause, eliminate him if he goes against me, and find a suitable Evil protégé somewhere else.
13. I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I'm Evil, not Stupid.
14. If I need to detain the Hero for more than two minutes, he will be summarily strip-searched, relieved of all personal effects and clothing (especially belts, vests, random jewelry, and shoes) and given the regulation blaze orange disposable prisoner jumpsuit to wear. The Hero's effects will be carefully analyzed and items such as ring-lasers, belt communicators etc. will be destroyed or deactivated, booby trapped, or otherwise compromised if they are to be returned.
15. If reputable prophecy dictates I will be defeated/killed by a certain person or event, I will not waste time trying to eliminate him or prevent it. I will enjoy my power for all its worth, as long as I can, meanwhile devoting reasonable energies in a search for new prophecies that will get me out of the first one.
16. I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisers on the payroll and in proximity to both help my enemies underestimate me and provide a few extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be penetrated.
17. Mind-controlled or love-potioned subjects will be left enough free will that they do not have to be specifically ordered to perform useful actions such as enabling my escape, administering medical help, or otherwise coming to my aid.
18. My Secret Police will be instructed to concentrate on Genuine Threats To My Reign. They do not need to waste time and resources investigating/persecuting every last disgruntled peasant, unless it's a slow day and there's really nothing else for them to do.
19. Instead of killing, imprisoning, or brainwiping the witnesses to my mistakes, I will instead apply equivalent, if not greater effort toward avoiding mistakes.
20. In the event of failure, I will consider the possibility that my enemies are proficient and intelligent before assuming incompetence or betrayal on the part of my advisers.
21. If there is any doubt about whether or not my enemies know something, I will act on the assumption that they do know. Unless it is important to my plans that they know, in which case I will make sure the information is leaked to them from an unimpeachable source.
22. I will encourage general promiscuity, restrict access to birth control, and provide the best in STD research/prevention and pre-and post-natal care. The resultant population will be more satisfied and complacent, and will fuel my war machines, production, dressmaking, and general fun.

Tips for Evil Geniuses and Scientistsor How not to be a Deranged Evil Genius or Mad Scientist

1. I will not experiment on myself.
2. I will not transplant my mind into the Hero's brain when my test monkey is still in the laboratory.
3. None of my super-weapons will have a "reverse" switch.
4. My secret lab/lair will have excellent ventilation, automatic sprinklers, and Halon extinguishers handy at every bench.
5. My glass flask holders, test tube racks, and Bunsen-burner heated apparati will be anchored to the floor or wall, not balanced precariously on a wobbly table.
6. Any ability enhancing formula that has potential degenerative or addictive effects may be suitable to use on the Controlled Masses, but not on myself.
7. My high-energy sealed test chamber will only be activatable from the outside by the combination of my hand and retinal print. If someone has relieved me of my hand and eye to get them, I'd rather be dead anyway.
8. If I can splice genes to create a 60 meter long killer cockroach, I can also insert in said creation a susceptibility to my custom formula of Raid, which I can carry in a convenient key chain mace canister.
9. Experimental monster creations will not only have one immediately lethal vulnerability only I can exploit, but until my Diabolical Plan is ready to implement, they will also have an addiction to a material only I can supply, without which they will die in a day or two.
10. I will always have an open airplane ticket to New Zealand on hand in case my current project escapes my laboratory, starts mutating beyond control, or starts talking back to me in a belligerent fashion.
11. I will personally select the brain to be used in my life-creation experiment.
12. If I need one liter of my secret formula to implement my Diabolical Plan, I will produce ten liters and store the other nine safely in different caches.
13. I will always carry the antidote on my person. But it will be in a vial marked 'poison reserve.' The poison reserve will be in the vial marked 'antidote.'
14. If I am working on an optical mind control device, I will remove all extraneous mirrors from the lab and wear polarized contact lenses at all times.
15. I will test the strength, power, and weaknesses of all monsters I create. Better to pull back and send two monsters next time than lose one due to simple poor planning.
16. Experiments requiring a human test subject shall be performed on kidnapped anti-social bums who live alone in large cities, not someone who people will notice the disappearance of, like a female student at the local high school.
17. If I really must have a teenage girl to perform my experiments on for some reason, I will not choose the buxom cheerleader whose courageous and handsome boyfriend is captain of the football team. Instead, I will choose the mousy quiet girl whose only likely boyfriend is the nervous head of the Dungeons and Dragons club, who I can probably co-opt if I need to.
18. I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be remotely controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation, effort, and/or energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.
19. Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken care of my redundant, automatic Beast Feeders or, if the compound is well sealed by me, extraneous underlings. No underling (especially one with a girlfriend to impress) will ever be given the keys to the cages.
20. My Android Armies will be capable of independent action not rely on a central brain for coordination. Further, they will have logic-loop rejection procedures to prevent paralysis by "Everything I say is a lie" type statements.
21. If I have underlings who follow orders literally (AI or robotic guardians, brainwashed minions, etc.), I will make their orders as clear and specific as possible. I will specify IN ADVANCE that orders such as "Kill everyone in this room!" or "Allow no one to enter or leave!" automatically include the proviso "Except for me." Also, they will be directed to ignore orders that would harm me. It would be undignified to die because I got frustrated and sarcastically said "Kill me now!"
22. After unleashing the computer virus which will initiate my Diabolic Plan and bring about the downfall of the free world I will ensure that the original copy of the virus is deleted from my hard drive, and destroy all hard copy notes on the construction of said virus.

Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage.

1. Inoculate before invasion.
2. Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations.
3. No matter how pretty the girl, leave her alone. Almost guaranteed your anatomies, much less your biologies are not compatible.
4. If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity.
5. Don't route all power through the Mothership.
6. Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from the top.
7. Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan subway system or stadium. Find a nice secluded cave.
8. If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for the brute force takeover.
9. Conduct all planning sessions in your own planet's tongue. A group of non-humans speaking English are just asking for intelligence intercepts.
10. Eat the prisoners. It solves many later problems before they crop up. If you CAN'T eat the prisoners, why are you invading?
11. The pre-invasion scouting efforts should include time spent at a regional office of Greenpeace. Examine the list of life forms COMPLETELY WIPED OUT by the locals. If any resemble your forces, especially the warrior caste, pick another planet.
12. Invade a kindergarten first. If you can't handle the house-apes, you have no business invading the planet.
13. A large enough group of human prisoners will invariably contain one person willing to sell out his own mother to survive the invasion. AND/OR one person willing to sacrifice his mother to trick you into trusting him until it is too late. If your technology or internal politics cannot easily deal with this problem, pick another planet. (Or eat the prisoners, see above.)

mrDuke

Excellent.