Indos crystal ball

KdjaCL

kudos to Daniel O Donnell his last album was decent and now this

Crystal ball


By Daniel McDonnell
Thursday January 03 2008

SAN MARINO, Bobby Robson on Liveline, Stephen Ireland's grannies and the headhunters. 2007 was a scarcely believable year for all involved in Irish football.

In terms of drama and black comedy it has raised the bar for future years and it will be difficult for 2008 to match the events of the previous twelve months. But, as we look into the crystal ball, we can do so with the confidence that anything is truly possible ...

JANUARY

Sir Walter Winterbottom is the latest former England manager to be linked with the vacant Irish manager's job. However, a family member rules him out of the race by pointing out that he died in 2002. John Delaney denies reports that he subsequently attempted to thank Winterbottom anyway through the medium of a séance.

With no boss in place, an FAI delegation, led by Delaney, travels to Bulgaria for the fixtures meeting with their World Cup qualification opponents.

After hours of negotiations, Ireland successfully barter for home games against Italy and Bulgaria as part of a double header in October. In an unrelated press release distributed at the airport, the FAI predict a large financial surplus for the year of 2008.

FEBRUARY

With kingmakers Don Givens, Don Howe and Ray Houghton yet to find a new boss, they are handed the reins for the Croke Park friendly with Brazil.

However, the game is postponed shortly before kickoff as the trio are unable to narrow their starting XI down from a shortlist of 25. Furious fans are promised a ticket for this year's FAI Cup Final as consolation from the FAI.

Meanwhile, in the Eircom League, preparations for the new season continue at pace, but chaos reigns when a number of clubs arrange warm-up games for the leap year date of February 29.

They are fined €500 each by the FAI's Disciplinary Commission for staging matches on a day that doesn't exist.

MARCH

Amid much fanfare, RTE finally unveil their new hour-long Eircom League highlights programme on Monday nights which, in addition to match action, includes a variety of regular segments, most notably, a weekly rant from Roddy Collins entitled 'When I Won The Double' and spoken prose from Damien Richardson wittily titled 'Da Rico Code.'

As impatience grows at the failure of the FAI to appoint a new boss, spin doctors in Abbotstown are embarrassed when a secret leaked document reveals that Givens, Howe and Houghton had been sent Panini Sticker Albums from 1984 and 1985 with a number of highlighted candidates who should also be interviewed for the vacant position. Gary Mabbutt, Cyrille Regis and Mel Sterland enter the frame.

APRIL

They're dancing on the streets of Ireland -- and Sunderland -- after the Black Cats secure Premiership safety with three weeks to spare. After changing his entire squad in January and extending the hand of reconciliation even further by bringing in Alf Inge Haaland as assistant boss, Roy Keane is put forward as the 'only contender' for manager of the year by Niall Quinn.

MAY

Ireland, led by Givens, Howe and Houghton, finally take the field for the first time during the year when they host Serbia, with the game ending in a credible 1-1 draw. Meanwhile, the knockout stages of the Champions League have been overshadowed by further American takeovers and franchise renaming thus culminating with final success for the Liverpool Falcons who secure a shutout to beat the Barcelona Bears 1-0.

JUNE

The attentions of the football world turn to the European Championships in Austria and Switzerland, with Ireland represented at the tournament by Delaney who keeps a close eye on Italy who take the trophy without scoring or conceding a goal, aside from penalty shootouts.

Bored by the lack of entertainment, pundits on BBC, ITV and Sky Sports unanimously agree that England would have won the competition if present and they are immediately installed as 3/1 favourites to take the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

JULY

Delaney returns home from Euro 2008 denying reports that he had been spotted in Vienna sharing some Sauerkraut with Venables, pointing out that the crafty Cockney was not fond of cabbage, before quickly adding that he had never met him.

The latest FAI Disciplinary Commission missive causes confusion as Limerick 37 are fined €37,100 for having three diagonal corner flags and one of the square variety for their joust with Kildare County at Jackman Park. Club officials protest that the large fine was due to a typing error associated with their name, but this is denied by the FAI although on appeal they reduce the punishment to €100.

AUGUST

An historic moment for the Eircom League, as Drogheda United progress to the third round of Champions League qualifiers and draw Glasgow Celtic. In a shock result, Drogheda triumph 2-1 on aggregate, sending Ireland into mourning.

Taoiseach Bertie Ahern sends his aide de camp to Dublin Airport to commiserate with Gordon Strachan's men before they make the journey home. Strachan is sacked, and is immediately installed favourite to become the Irish gaffer.

SEPTEMBER

Ireland start their World Cup campaign with a return to Cyprus with the rights for the match sold exclusively to Sky, who pitch it as a pay per view event entitled 'This Time It's Really Personal.' An exuberant Irish media pitch it as a 'win or bust' game for Givens, Howe and Houghton and, after a humiliating 4-0 defeat, the trio are promptly shown the door.

Thankfully, according to FAI.ie, there is support for the organisation from a 'surprising source', with Sky Sports duo Chris Kamara and Rob McCaffrey 'praising Ireland for their never-say-die attitude and commitment'. Ex-Arsenal defender Kenny Sansom also chimed in to pay testament to Eire's unquestionable spirit.

OCTOBER

The search for replacements for Givens, Howe and Houghton is only at the shortlist stage, so Delaney finally brings in Venables as a caretaker boss for the double-header with Italy and Bulgaria. However, Delaney stresses that he has not yet spoken to Venables, who was instead informed of his responsibilities by a pigeon bearing a message.

Ireland perform with credit, drawing nil all with Italy and conceding a late equaliser to Bulgaria in a game they dominated -- unfortunately Venables missed the goal himself as he was preparing his column for an English newspaper about a victory for Fabio Capello's men in Croatia earlier in the day. An angry RTE panel ensure that Venables is ruled out of the running to either pick or become the new manager.

Speaking at the anniversary dinner marking the beginning of the process to find a boss, Delaney addresses the now 10,000 strong FAI staff to tell them that, similarly to the Emerging Talent Programme, the hunt for Stan's successor was never going to happen overnight.

NOVEMBER

The FAI reveal their new kingmakers with Alan Sugar, Linda Martin and Ricky Tomlinson drafted in to find the chosen one. An Abbotstown press release strongly denies that they hired Tomlinson under the unfortunate assumption that the film, 'Mike Bassett England Manager', was actually a documentary -- instead they state that his experience at a top level was invaluable. Joe Royle is installed as 6/4 favourite.

Drogheda continue their Champions League campaign with a shock 4-1 victory over the Liverpool Falcons at Anfield to top their group. An unhappy Paul Doolin brings his troops in for extra training after their failure to keep a clean sheet. They still pick up a second successive league title while the Ford FAI Cup Final is postponed until January with the preferred Sunday at the RDS unavailable due to a Status Quo concert.

DECEMBER

Finally, on Christmas Day, the FAI announce the appointment of a new boss with the recently out-of-work Bertie Ahern chosen by the crack team of headhunters. Ahern defends his appointment, citing stints as a football panelist on RTE and Today FM.

The move catches the Irish media by surprise, with most caught unawares having presumed that a litany of spurious end of year reviews and crystal ball pieces looking ahead to the New Year would be ample work for that period. They promise not to do the same again; a cynical public struggles to believe them.

- Daniel McDonnell

http://www.independent.ie/sport/soccer/crystal-ball-1256210.html

kdjac

_blank_

This is, by far, my favourite.

And isn't too far removed from the truth imo.

AUGUST

An historic moment for the Eircom League, as Drogheda United progress to the third round of Champions League qualifiers and draw Glasgow Celtic. In a shock result, Drogheda triumph 2-1 on aggregate, sending Ireland into mourning.

Taoiseach Bertie Ahern sends his aide de camp to Dublin Airport to commiserate with Gordon Strachan's men before they make the journey home. Strachan is sacked, and is immediately installed favourite to become the Irish gaffer.

event

very good

Fratton Fred

KdjaCL wrote: »

kudos to Daniel O Donnell his last album was decent and now this

kdjac

Some things are better kept to yourself:p

Excellent article, although I am dissappointed they didn't adopt Multi ball rather than shoot outs. The Portsmouth Pirates would be up for that:D

Gavin "shels"

AUGUST

An historic moment for the Eircom League, as Drogheda United progress to the third round of Champions League qualifiers and draw Glasgow Celtic. In a shock result, Drogheda triumph 2-1 on aggregate, sending Ireland into mourning.

Taoiseach Bertie Ahern sends his aide de camp to Dublin Airport to commiserate with Gordon Strachan's men before they make the journey home. Strachan is sacked, and is immediately installed favourite to become the Irish gaffer.

He sums up the majority of Irish football "fans" in two paragraphs, what a man.

I like the first paragraph in March too.:D

eirebhoy

Haven't got time to read that article in full but Daniel McDonnell is becoming a must read. Only a newbie to the journalist scene.

KdjaCL

eirebhoy wrote: »

Haven't got time to read that article in full but Daniel McDonnell is becoming a must read. Only a newbie to the journalist scene.

Cant stand the guy myself Dundalk fan with little or no clue about anything imo, his piece on the gangs of warsaw pretty much summed him up.


kdjac

WhiteWashMan

Funny

But you could actually see it happening

eirebhoy

KdjaCL wrote: »

Cant stand the guy myself Dundalk fan with little or no clue about anything imo, his piece on the gangs of warsaw pretty much summed him up.


kdjac

I've been very impressed with his articles tbh and the research he puts in. This one in particular:
http://www.independent.ie/sport/soccer/face-of-the-future-1252257.html

The Indo was a very pro FAI paper until McDonnell came along. When all his colleages (especially those in his own paper) were singing the praises of Venables, he went against the grain. He was the only journalist I know of that backed Roy Hodgson for the Ireland job. Come to think of it, he's the voice of popular opinion on the foot.ie Ireland forum. I'll happily take him as our public voice.

_blank_

eirebhoy wrote: »

Ithe voice of popular opinion on the foot.ie

****.

The lot of them.

Forum full of cúnts afaic.

eirebhoy

I don't really post on the EL forum so I wouldn't know.