Dumped....hugs please girls :(

SarahSassy

And why do you think you are dumped?

Maple

Papillon87 wrote: »

I think I've just been dumped. I can't breathe.

why do you say that?

Rattlehead_ie

Foreign Country, different plug sockets, no way to charge phone, could be out and hasn't been back to hotel \ where he is staying to charge it. Phone stolen. Lots of reasons apart from dumping you he may have for phone being off.

Maple

Rattlehead_ie wrote: »

Foreign Country, different plug sockets, no way to charge phone, could be out and hasn't been back to hotel \ where he is staying to charge it. Phone stolen. Lots of reasons apart from dumping you he may have for phone being off.

+1. very good sense

Papillon87

Rattlehead_ie wrote: »

Foreign Country, different plug sockets, no way to charge phone, could be out and hasn't been back to hotel \ where he is staying to charge it. Phone stolen. Lots of reasons apart from dumping you he may have for phone being off.

We were mid text conversation in which he was pretty much dumping me, saying we'd talk when he got back on the phone. Then at the end of one text he says he's turning his phone off cos there is no point continruing to text tonight. And lo and behold my reply doesnt deliver.

Jules

what was happening when this conversation happened? have you been having trouble before this? how long have you guys been together?

Rattlehead_ie

We were mid text conversation in which he was pretty much dumping me,

What was he saying that made you think he was dumping you though, did he actually say he was, thats its over or Did he come out with its not you its me line............? Ive always found txts to be mis understood when talking bout this kinda thing.

Sorry if I seem or am coming across harsh, but as I said but ive always found texts great for most stuff flirting etc bit not for talking bout feelings etc as they get completely twisted and dont come out the right way or get mis understood from the other persons point of view

saying we'd talk when he got back

This could mean any amount of things, he could be talking about that he wants to move over to where he is now and bring you with him.Could mean he wants to talk bout the future and that he may not see one, but there is just as good a chance at it being something good rather than bad.

Papillon87

We've been together six months (flirting for nine) but emotionally very much feels more than that. He was saying he didn't know if he could handle my insecurities with myself and him anymore and trust issues (major slip up on my part a few months ago by lookin at his phone...genuinely from boredom...never did it again...never got mentioned again but he just said now he can't understand it and cant stop thinkin bout it and it's a sign of things to come);I said i know i've let my self esteem problems affect our relationship and I'm really sorry and if I could make an effort would he not still want to be with me. He says ultimately things would go back the same (I however believe things can change if you make an effort) as in me doubting myself and him reassuring me etc etc and that he has been there before...I feel like dying right now i kept asking where we stood are we still together etc and that it's not fair of him to leave me hanging and in complete bits like this for two days...he's like i know i dont want u to feel bad i cant make or take calls here we'll talk when i get back (WILL WE THOUGH????????????) and that he loves having me in his life "and always will want some form of relationship with you". I HATE myself right now.

Maple

cop out on his behalf. he's lost interest and is trying to make you the bad guy. especially bringing up your past misdeed now, very convenient imo.

i know its tough but just leave him alone for the time being. let him have his time away and just try and have patience. if you keep pushing him, you'll lose him.

but when he gets back and if he decides to break up with you, then fcuk him and don't accept his i want you in my life bs. its just too convenient.

Rattlehead_ie

I had a big long response ready, It had the meaning of life stuff in it was best post EVER, but the board crashed so all Ill say simply is

Wait till he come back,give him his space and then chat to him face to face. I won't say F him if he does break up with you, but the way he is acting is very immature and you need to think is this the is the way a guy you want to be going out with reacts and deals with this kinda situation.

Chin up and enjoy your cpl of days if you can, keep busy

Papillon87

Rattlehead_ie wrote: »

I had a big long response ready, It had the meaning of life stuff in it was best post EVER, but the board crashed so all Ill say simply is

Wait till he come back,give him his space and then chat to him face to face. I won't say F him if he does break up with you, but the way he is acting is very immature and you need to think is this the is the way a guy you want to be going out with reacts and deals with this kinda situation.

Chin up and enjoy your cpl of days if you can, keep busy

Thanks guys. I got 2hours sleep! Look and feel dreadful! After talking to a few friends last night (well me blubbing away and them trying to decipher what I was saying) and telling my mum this morning....most people's reactions are like "how are you not sooooooo effing angry with him, why are u upset, that's no way to treat anyone". I do feel it was a lousy, lousy thing to do (ie the circumstances). But I'm very upset too. I think he's using problems that really aren't break-up offences and that kind of pisses me off. If he doesn't have thte courtesy to physically talk to me, I will be very, very annoyed. I feel that is the VERY least I am owed. He is not getting out of this by causing me so much hurt and conveniently positioning himself away from it.

Rattlehead_ie

Papillon87 wrote: »

Thanks guys. I got 2hours sleep! Look and feel dreadful! After talking to a few friends last night (well me blubbing away and them trying to decipher what I was saying) and telling my mum this morning....most people's reactions are like "how are you not sooooooo effing angry with him, why are u upset, that's no way to treat anyone". I do feel it was a lousy, lousy thing to do (ie the circumstances). But I'm very upset too. I think he's using problems that really aren't break-up offences and that kind of pisses me off. If he doesn't have thte courtesy to physically talk to me, I will be very, very annoyed. I feel that is the VERY least I am owed. He is not getting out of this by causing me so much hurt and conveniently positioning himself away from it.

Woman on a mission there good luck and sure let us know how you get on but as your friends said, he should have the cahonas do talk to you face to face.

Papillon87

Rattlehead_ie wrote: »

Woman on a mission there good luck and sure let us know how you get on but as your friends said, he should have the cahonas do talk to you face to face.

Haha, I know. "Welcome anger" Haha. I can now see what people mean when they say there are stages! Next is denial, I think?!?

Karen_*

Papillon87 wrote: »

We've been together six months (flirting for nine) but emotionally very much feels more than that. He was saying he didn't know if he could handle my insecurities with myself and him anymore and trust issues (major slip up on my part a few months ago by lookin at his phone...genuinely from boredom...never did it again...never got mentioned again but he just said now he can't understand it and cant stop thinkin bout it and it's a sign of things to come);I said i know i've let my self esteem problems affect our relationship and I'm really sorry and if I could make an effort would he not still want to be with me. He says ultimately things would go back the same (I however believe things can change if you make an effort) as in me doubting myself and him reassuring me etc etc and that he has been there before...I feel like dying right now i kept asking where we stood are we still together etc and that it's not fair of him to leave me hanging and in complete bits like this for two days...he's like i know i dont want u to feel bad i cant make or take calls here we'll talk when i get back (WILL WE THOUGH????????????) and that he loves having me in his life "and always will want some form of relationship with you". I HATE myself right now.

Oh snap! Almost had the exact same situation as you at the beginning of Dec. Had trust issues as he kept winding me up about his exes and female friends. Well they weren't trust issues, more issues with why he would behave that way but he chose to see my upset as jealousy. Hence I am the bad guy. I got more and more insecure because I knew I was not in the relationship I wanted to be in. Got dumped by text after an emotional text session and then ignored for the whole day. And he really needed me in his life and badly wanted to be friends. Papillion I was dying insude really dying. I even considered for a while being his friend and I tried. But at the back of my mind was always how I'd been treated in the end. He'd ran me into the ground, constantly brought up everything I said and did and made me out to be the one with all the problems.

You deserve to be spoken to face to face. you do not deserve the utter torture of texts and ignoring and then blame for everything. You deserve so much better than that. You looked at his phone, God its not like anyone died is it? You must be in total bits and isn't it horrible when you can't even get the releif of a bit of sleep?

This man doesn't deserve you as a friend or to have any sort of relationship with you. I guess you don't feel too good about yourself anyway and he's not helping.

All I can say to you is it DOES get easier. I tried the frieds thing, realised I was in hell and did deserve better and told him where to go. And since that moment I've had sleep and been able to eat and had some peace. Its taken a while but I'm coming through the other side. And you will too. But while he's in your life you're never going to feel good about yourself.

Crumble Froo

hmmph. need hug... had a bit of a ... not a row... but little tense over this way... i dont think either of us are sure what's happened... im a bitch for letting things build up, and he can read my moods and my eyes too well, excpet i couldnt bring myself to asy what was wrong, because im not even entirely sure myself (if you dont gettit, dont ask), and we had a small exchange over something small and stupid and bigger things lying underneath and blah.

im kinda just beating myself up now, and wondering what and when and how to talk ot him. blah.

Papillon87

Karen33 wrote: »

Oh snap! Almost had the exact same situation as you at the beginning of Dec. Had trust issues as he kept winding me up about his exes and female friends. Well they weren't trust issues, more issues with why he would behave that way but he chose to see my upset as jealousy. Hence I am the bad guy. I got more and more insecure because I knew I was not in the relationship I wanted to be in. Got dumped by text after an emotional text session and then ignored for the whole day. And he really needed me in his life and badly wanted to be friends. Papillion I was dying insude really dying. I even considered for a while being his friend and I tried. But at the back of my mind was always how I'd been treated in the end. He'd ran me into the ground, constantly brought up everything I said and did and made me out to be the one with all the problems.

You deserve to be spoken to face to face. you do not deserve the utter torture of texts and ignoring and then blame for everything. You deserve so much better than that. You looked at his phone, God its not like anyone died is it? You must be in total bits and isn't it horrible when you can't even get the releif of a bit of sleep?

This man doesn't deserve you as a friend or to have any sort of relationship with you. I guess you don't feel too good about yourself anyway and he's not helping.

All I can say to you is it DOES get easier. I tried the frieds thing, realised I was in hell and did deserve better and told him where to go. And since that moment I've had sleep and been able to eat and had some peace. Its taken a while but I'm coming through the other side. And you will too. But while he's in your life you're never going to feel good about yourself.

Thanks Karen. Thing is, I'm like WHAT TRUST ISSUES! I DO trust him!! 100%! He sees this phone thing as like the biggest breach of trust ever! As I've said to him, wouldn't bother me an ounce if he looked at mine! I'm not justifying it, but everyone I've talked to is like "and? everyone does that!". GRR! I am so happy with him and this has majorly come from nowhere really and hence why I've a major problem with it. It's not fair and (again, welcome anger....never thought I'd feel anger last night how ironic) he bloody will speak to me or I'll be NAY impressed! Pisses me right off him saying all this stuff then being like "you know i always want some form of relationship with you". If we do break up I feel like saying, after treating me like that? A dog deserves a better break up. I mean, am I wrong, or leaving me like this (him knowing especially that I take things very hard) is terribly harsh of him? I keep thinking, does he want to destroy me on purpose, making me feel bad, unable to eat or sleep for days? I would never, EVER do this to a bf. Even if there were actual issues and I was unhappy. I would speak to him about it in person. While I was in the same country. And not cut them off and leave them hanging.

Maple

narco wrote: »

hmmph. need hug... had a bit of a ... not a row... but little tense over this way... i dont think either of us are sure what's happened... im a bitch for letting things build up, and he can read my moods and my eyes too well, excpet i couldnt bring myself to asy what was wrong, because im not even entirely sure myself (if you dont gettit, dont ask), and we had a small exchange over something small and stupid and bigger things lying underneath and blah.

im kinda just beating myself up now, and wondering what and when and how to talk ot him. blah.

**hug**
ah chicken, thats rubbish. Go in and give him a hug, try and work it out. Sure you'd be all over the place trying to settle in and get yourself sorted. You must be feeling a bit out of your depth? And to go from longdistance to everyday full on would take some amount of adjusting.

Just going forward try and talk about stuff as it comes up rather than letting it build up, you'll do yourself no favours that way.

DJ_Spider

To Papillon97 and clarebear, I'm not gonna say I know how you feel or I know what you are going through, because I don't. I hate people who say that when something happens like a breakup or death. If they don't have the same feelings as you how the feck do they know what you are going through inside?

All I can say is, (and this from someone who is now 42, been married, divourced and enjoying being the oldest flirt around!) it's a New Year, how about a new start? I moved here from the UK on a whim, I was separated from my last g/f and basically she would call me up and say meet me so & so in 20mins, she would take me back to hers and we would spend the night together. She actually begged me to stay when I told her I was moving.

In fact she later told me when I had left and was here, that she had been pregnant and she was going to tell me for my birthday and we would be one big happy family, (she already had 4 boys).

I wont say I wasn't sad, but seriously I'm not financially, emotionally or maturly responsible to have children. Plus I would be nearly 60 when it was grown up! So I say, draw a line under it, move on, and start doing all those things that annoyed your b/f! YOU are in charge now and call the shots. if you don't want to watch the footy, you don't have to. Keep in touch with your mates, and you never know what might happen. Hey I'm 42 and believe there is hope for me yet!

(Might as well dream here, as in bed!)

Take care ladies and enjoy the rest of your life!

(sorry didn't want to sound like *I* was breaking up with you!)

{{{{{ H U G S }}}}} DJ Spider

Karen_*

Papillion you really don't deserve the head wrecking he's putting you through. At the very least you deserved to be spoken to face to face. You can try being friends with him but the way he's behaved will never leave you. And you can even try making a go of it if he's willing but I bet you'll give him the boot because again, the way he's treated you won't go away. Look how much stronger you're getting by the minute already? And of course you've had a terrible shock and trauma so the way your're reacting is totally normal.

Its up to you whether you want to go out with someone who you know can turn at any moment and do what he's done. Its totally the measure of him that he had to do it by text and ignore you. It shows his lack of intelligence and his emotional immaturity. Are they the qualities you want in the man you love? I think you're worth a bit more than that!

Wibbs

Papillon87 wrote: »

Thing is, I'm like WHAT TRUST ISSUES! I DO trust him!! 100%! He sees this phone thing as like the biggest breach of trust ever! As I've said to him, wouldn't bother me an ounce if he looked at mine! I'm not justifying it, but everyone I've talked to is like "and? everyone does that!". GRR!

In this case I would agree with him. I wouldn't care if you were fine with it. It's what I consider to be not fine that's at issue. In fact I dumped a woman for going through my email and phone. She had absolutely no reason to, beyond her own insecurities(I've never cheated on anyone). The phone bit I let slide, but the email was the straw that broke this camel's back. She actually came out with similar. "I wouldn't mind" and "my friends say they do it all the time". Sorry they're crap excuses and miss the whole point of the thing. I minded. There are certain things I may not have issue with, but I know others may have. I have respect enough for them to respect their opinion and not do it.

I am so happy with him and this has majorly come from nowhere really and hence why I've a major problem with it.

OK but it's not how you feel that actually matters in one way. It's how he feels and how you both feel that does. While this new turn of events may be sudden, I would put money this hasn't come from nowhere. There were/are signs. With many people it's usually the partner being too clingy or constantly looking for positive reinforcement for their self esteem issues.

Pisses me right off him saying all this stuff then being like "you know i always want some form of relationship with you". If we do break up I feel like saying, after treating me like that? A dog deserves a better break up.

This bit I agree with. Staying "friends" doesn't work unless there is a large period of time apart and both have actually moved on. It's selfish on his part to even ask.

I mean, am I wrong, or leaving me like this (him knowing especially that I take things very hard) is terribly harsh of him? I keep thinking, does he want to destroy me on purpose, making me feel bad, unable to eat or sleep for days?

As I said if he is dumping you, at the moment it's how he feels about you, not the other way around. Clearly this is a selfish way to act, but very common. It may show you down the line that he might be a bad bet long term. I

would never, EVER do this to a bf. Even if there were actual issues and I was unhappy. I would speak to him about it in person. While I was in the same country. And not cut them off and leave them hanging.

I agree that was a bit much to say the least.

The best thing you can do is meet him when he's back and ask for an explanation. Let him give one. Don't interrupt with lots of buts and what ifs. Try not to get overly emotional or he'll just peg you as a "whiny chick". Don't give him the satisfaction. Cry your heart out all you want before and afterwards, but not in front of him. If he asks for friendship, simply say, "No I wouldn't want that, if I don't have a future with you, I don't see you in my future". Don't explain why. Let him do all the talking. If he asks to keep in touch, tell him that the only contact you might take from him in the near future would be talk of reconciliation, but that the window for that is closing. Tell him you you will remember the good times you spent together and you truly wish him the best. It'll be hard, but that way, you're taking some control back of this rejection of his. Trust me on this one, if you do exactly this he'll remember it and respect you more. If he contacts you afterwards to catch up, answer once and ask him to respect your wishes and move on with his life.

tallaght01

Wibbs wrote: »

In this case I would agree with him. I wouldn't care if you were fine with it. It's what I consider to be not fine that's at issue. In fact I dumped a woman for going through my email and phone. She had absolutely no reason to, beyond her own insecurities(I've never cheated on anyone). The phone bit I let slide, but the email was the straw that broke this camel's back. She actually came out with similar. "I wouldn't mind" and "my friends say they do it all the time". Sorry they're crap excuses and miss the whole point of the thing. QUOTE]

What this guy says!

Going through phone stuff/emails is immediate dumping in my book. It's really unacceptable.

Having said that, papillin87, from reading your posts it sounds like you did it because you have self esteem issues, which leads to paranoia about cheating etc. That's not a criticism, btw. When i was in my early 20s I was very like that myself.

Perhaps getting into a relationship isn't a great idea at the minute if you have self esteem issues. Sure, sometimes a relationship helps solve them, but they can also exacerbate them in a big way. I don't know if I'm right, and an internet board probably isn't the place to deal with it, but sometimes it's best to sort ourselves out before we have to start thinking about other people too

I do, however, love this thread. Great to see so many people being supportive to the girls going through a rough time.

Kudos to you all

G86

I actually did the same thing when I was 16 when I first started seeing my ex, looked at his texts...and I immediately regretted it. It was done to me then in later years and I realised what an invasion of privacy it is. I was so insulted that the person didn't trust me and felt the need to go through MY personal messages.

So I can see both sides...

Its not something I would break up with someone over though.

Maple

Papillon87 wrote: »

He sees this phone thing as like the biggest breach of trust ever! As I've said to him, wouldn't bother me an ounce if he looked at mine! I'm not justifying it, but everyone I've talked to is like "and? everyone does that!".

Sorry, not true. Everyone doesn't do it. And I don't buy the i did it because i was bored excuse either. You've admitted to being insecure and maybe it was because of this that you did it. You need to sort these insecurities out, the old adage of not being able to love someone until you love yourself is true.

Having said the above if he had such a problem with it at the time then he should have finished it there and then. He's not treating you properly at all. As i've said before you should just try to have patience, wait until he gets home before ruling on it completely.

Papillon87

Wow. I'm clearly much worse a person than I thought. I understand I deserve this now.

Rattlehead_ie

Wow. I'm clearly much worse a person than I thought. I understand I deserve this now.

I hope your joking? U silly thing!!!!! No you don't deserve this, What your bf has done in my opinion is childish and immature. Yes you were wrong to look at his phone, but that is probably not the only reason he is breaking up with you, only using it as an excuse. Just wait till he gets home and talk face - face. If he does NOT to that. Then its his loss and your better off without him
Chin up

marshmallow

thought I'd give an update on my sit..

Haven't talked to ex since break up (fri) but it's really hard not to call!

Bumped into 2 of his best friends separately 2mins after the other! They said he's just scared of being a boyfriend, wants to go back to being friends (which I want too). He's leaving it up to me to call him whenever I want, trouble is I've wanted to since talking to his friends but just wanna give myself time out.. How long should I take?

When I say we'll go back to being friends is not in anyway kidding myself. I know we will, it's what we both want.

As is said 'I just don't know what to do with myself'. Part-time job is on an extreme part-time now with Christmas over, sports season is over so finished training & matches and now no boyfriend. All in the space of a few days, too much free time..

SarahSassy, thanks so much for your concern.

Clare Bear

Marshmallow...please come out with us on Friday? You and me both got dumped on the same day, that at least is something you have in common with someone? Morbid as it is! I think a few of us could do with some moral support right now and it's not always easy to talk to your friends at times like this....if you want to meet a few like minded girls that might make you smile (not that you have to!) then come along. It's all that's keeping me going today to be honest. Chin up pet x

SarahSassy

Come on girls, ye are doing well. Marshmallow, if he wanted to talk to you he could have called. I am not trying to be mean but I dont see what you can gain, other than temporary satisfaction, by calling him.

You are doing great. This is a difficult hurdle to overcome but stick your chin in the air. Laugh out loud, even for no reason and keep busy...

You can be friends some day but its too soon to contact him. You will set yourself back days.

Trust me

All the best

SS

Clare Bear

Guys I've asked for this thread to be locked now....it was the best thing I could have done at the time but now I want to let it die....I appreciate all your comments massively, believe me, I think it's all that's really gotten me through the past few days and I still feel like crap but I just want to let it die now.

Of course start a new thread Marshmallow if you want to...or anyone else, I just need this one to go personally now, sorry.

Thank you all again for what you've said.....you've no idea how much you've helped me when I didn't want to turn to the people close to me. Thank you all so much x