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Do men feel remorse / regret for their actions?

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    #32
    Gordon
    Registered Users Posts: 35,524 ✭✭✭✭Gordon


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    quote removed
    I don't understand how long you were actually together. You were friends for 3 years but how long were you in a relationship for?

    I'm not sure if it's because I'm a guy but your posts didn't raise much emotion in me, instead turned on my mathematical and logical side by trying to decipher the exact timeline of your past with this guy.

    As for the remorse/regret, guys will tend to gloss over things more than women imo, some kind of security measure. However, you can be sure that the actual gravity of a situation that has been purposefully neglected will resurface at a later date. Maybe on purpose or simply through a mirrored experience towards the man in question, he will feel remorse and regret. Maybe the steely cold non-feeling/no regret/shame appears on the outside only? Either way, that feeling will appear eventually.

    Sorry for your experience, I wouldn't want to sound condescending by saying that all experiences build our spirit even when they seem like they are tearing us down; so I'll just give a cheers to the New Year and hope all will be well soon.


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    #33
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    It hadnt been a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship. We discussed starting that about 7 weeks ago. We always stayed in touch but because of the distance we did not meet that often....


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    #34
    Latchy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 21,191 ✭✭✭✭Latchy


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    It hadnt been a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship. We discussed starting that about 7 weeks ago. We always stayed in touch but because of the distance we did not meet that often....[/QUOTE
    That may have contributed to the breakdown in the relationship,feelings can change and you both could have met other people. I imagine you both considered and had this in mind ?


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    #35
    luckat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,366 ✭✭✭luckat


    Wow, lucky escape, OP. Imagine if you'd got really involved with the man.

    In relation to your question, my observation is that men are very good at post-hoc rationalisation, which allows them to avoid guilt.


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    #36
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    latchyco wrote: »
    That may have contributed to the breakdown in the relationship,feelings can change and you both could have met other people. I imagine you both considered and had this in mind ?

    Absolutely and thats why we were not 'exclusive'. We were starting down that road. Its not about him meeting someone as such. His feelings changed so between when I booked it (dec 10th) and when he stopped contacting me which is exactly 1 week. After I booked it he told me he was thrilled etc.

    Him meeting someone is about 15% (it was always going to happen one of us) of the hurt, its the fact that very recently he led me on my telling me to come over and he would time time off work. What hurts the most is that he was a friend and he would not respond to me to tell me to stay put. I had to text, mail and call him to get my PFO. As the trip was only two weeks away I had started getting organised, travel iron, plugs etc which I needed to borrow from friends...

    I only found out this week...


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    #37
    Barlow07
    Closed Accounts Posts: 480 ✭✭Barlow07


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    Hi all,

    My story is above and I was wondering, from experience, do men feel bad when they treat people badly... I actually thought this guy was sensitive, caring and nice... He has his friends for years and is close to his family....

    Just curious as I am hoping he feels 1/100th of what I am feeling right now.

    SS

    My answer would to your question would be yes. I treated a girl who i liked very badly in my eyes, not that she was an angel herself. If i had the chance i would do things so much differently now. I still regret it to this day and its going back a while.


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    #38
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    I have to thank you all for your replies.. I guess my only satisfaction is that at some time he may feel a bit ashamed of what he did to me unnecessarily.

    I know he really enjoyed my company, getting the small texts, mails etc and I hope at some point he misses them and me.

    He has ruined our friendship, which had survived strongly for a long time over 3000 miles but I am not going to keep looking back...

    I guess I am just very hurt that, at this stage of my life, a friend treated me so badly and thats the bottom line.


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    #39
    Barlow07
    Closed Accounts Posts: 480 ✭✭Barlow07


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    I have to thank you all for your replies.. I guess my only satisfaction is that at some time he may feel a bit ashamed of what he did to me unnecessarily.

    I know he really enjoyed my company, getting the small texts, mails etc and I hope at some point he misses them and me.

    He has ruined our friendship, which had survived strongly for a long time over 3000 miles but I am not going to keep looking back...

    I guess I am just very hurt that, at this stage of my life, a friend treated me so badly and thats the bottom line.

    I'm sure if he had any feelings towards you then he will remorse for what he has done, it take a while and he not even show it or tell you. I think your better off with out him and you've learned a lesson as well by the sounds of it.

    Good luck.


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    #40
    John Mason
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 10,661 ✭✭✭✭John Mason


    jaysis, the poor mens in here today are getting a bashing

    do women feel regret when they feck men around ?

    as was said previously its nothing to do with gender just the peoples and you cant tar everyone with the same brush


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    #41
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    Irishbird,

    I asked the question about men.... I do think the majority of them have different emotional responses to things than me....

    I wouldnt treat a dog like he treated me but if I did I would feel strong regret...


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    #42
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    Guilt is usually just a voice that tells you someone might be watching.

    Women get a little more worried about their reputation than men so I'm guessing, yes, men don't have as much remorse.


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    #43
    John Mason
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 10,661 ✭✭✭✭John Mason


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    Irishbird,

    I asked the question about men.... I do think the majority of them have different emotional responses to things than me....

    I wouldnt treat a dog like he treated me but if I did I would feel strong regret...


    oh okay, if any of my male friends are anything to go by yes, they do and probably a hell of a lot more then me


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    #44
    Treora
    Registered Users Posts: 376 ✭✭Treora


    There are a few relevant articles turing up in the New Scientist (and even in the economist) that carry on from the Naked Wo/man series by Morris in this area. All the gender stereotypes have empirical evidence backing them up.

    The literature claims women are more mentally evolved and men more physically. Both have a equal propensity to feck each other around, but in slightly different ways. And 'biological markets' exist in all animal groups. Its a case of love the one you're with.

    Cruel, harsh, but apparently an evoluntionary dictum. The bell curves for the two genders point to many men seek many women, but many women seek few men. Therefore when a man gets a women he does not have the luxury to maintain a distant relationship because the chances are that he will loose out.

    Women will feel more emotional guilt after such an action, but is no less likely to commit it.

    Not my words. Cruel & harsh and totally against civilised conscious morals, but nature fights to win.


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    #45
    Balmed Out
    Registered Users Posts: 4,716 ✭✭✭Balmed Out


    i cant understand how people can have so little understanding of the opposite sex as to think they are somehow immune from guilt etc. We are far more similar then we may like to think despite womens obvious driving problems. Neither gender has a monopoly on treating the other badly. I for one have never hit, done the dirt, or treated any girl very badly. The majority of my male and female friends are the same and the two people im friends with that have done it have also had it done to them.


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    #46
    watna
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,367 ✭✭✭✭watna


    I think the only difference between men and women in these situations is that men are better able to compartmentalise their lives. So yes, they feel bad but they just keep that locked up in their brain and don't think about it. I think a lot of women lack this ability, I know I do. I overthink things and can't switch off. I think some women do have the ability to switch off and some men lack it but it's more common for a man to be able to think that way. So it may appear they don't feel bad but really they're just better at stopping themselves from feeling bad.


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    #47
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    And he also has the benefit of a new gf to make it all better grrrrr


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    #48
    WhiteWashMan
    Registered Users Posts: 20,099 ✭✭✭✭WhiteWashMan


    Quality wrote: »
    He is a prick for leading you on, He should have been honest with you from the start.....

    I dont think we should generalise on "all men" being unremorseful.
    ..


    From the view of one person, it is considered 'leading on'.
    from another way, it could be seen as just being indecisive.

    I find it hard that many people actually go out of their way to lead someone on, to waste someones time and to just generally be horrible. i think people just dont make decisions they should make, and end up doing nothing, which in turn, leads to people thinking that they are actively wasting someones time. Ive done it so many times in my life. When you dont know what youre doing, and youre unsure of your own emotions, or what you want, the most obvious choice is to make no choice and just let events unfold and leave time to make the decision for you.

    And yes, many people are unremorseful, but i think most people are. Personally, ive battered myself senseless over some of the things Ive done to other people. And a lot of it as I have described above. Ive hurt a lot of people over my own ability to not make a simple choice. But as you get older you realise that theres very little you can do about that but learn from your own mistakes. Theres no point in continuing to beat your self up over something thats past and that cant be rectified. Otherwise id be having an "my Name is Earl' type thing going on. :)

    But to anyone Ive ever hurt or pissed off, I am truely truely sorry.And in the end, you were all better off without me. I was a complete tool until I was about 26.


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    #49
    WhiteWashMan
    Registered Users Posts: 20,099 ✭✭✭✭WhiteWashMan


    Balmed Out wrote: »
    i cant understand how people can have so little understanding of the opposite sex .

    Men and women arent that different. There a couple of larger differences, but overall, the best advice I can ever give to someone trying to understand the opposite gender is 'How would you feel, then thats probably how they feel'

    Women are real people too you know!


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    #50
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    WhiteWashMan wrote: »
    Women are real people too you know!

    Ha ha yeah but are men????

    I am getting to the angry stage now... Very annoyed that he let me book the flight only 4 weeks ago now... Hoping to get it claimed back on the insurance but also annoyed he didnt offer to pay for the flight.... I would take the money off him, give it to charity with the donator's name put in as MUPPET and post him the receipt.


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    #51
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    Ha ha yeah but are men????

    I am getting to the angry stage now... Very annoyed that he let me book the flight only 4 weeks ago now... Hoping to get it claimed back on the insurance but also annoyed he didnt offer to pay for the flight.... I would take the money off him, give it to charity with the donator's name put in as MUPPET and post him the receipt.

    what sh1te are you talking?? you'd buy yourself something nice with it!! its the rules.
    charity is all very good but a new lipstick/handbag would be much nicer. :D


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    #52
    monkeyfudge
    Registered Users Posts: 23,216 ✭✭✭✭monkeyfudge


    Orphans need lipstick too!

    Well... the slutty ones do anyway...


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    #53
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    Haha I think a nice new pair of Christian Louboutin's - cos Im worth it. I suppose I could print off a fake charity receipt and send that to him:)

    Anyway, its all BS cos he didnt even offer...


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    #54
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    Haha I think a nice new pair of Christian Louboutin's - cos Im worth it. I suppose I could print off a fake charity receipt and send that to him:)

    Anyway, its all BS cos he didnt even offer...

    tosser. even if he'd offered you half.

    may he develop a nice dose of knob rot.


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    #55
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    Yeahhhh catch it from his new girlfriend.......

    He should have bloody paid for it all. I asked him before I booked it and he was looking forward to it (the bloody liar) and was going to take time off work . He changed his mind within 2 weeks AFTER I had booked it... :confused::confused::confused:


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    #56
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    Yeahhhh catch it from his new girlfriend.......

    He should have bloody paid for it all. I asked him before I booked it and he was looking forward to it (the bloody liar) and was going to take time off work . He changed his mind within 2 weeks AFTER I had booked it... :confused::confused::confused:

    he's a maggot. have you heard from him at all since? you could email him asking him for half of it?


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    #57
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    Oh not a word but he did say he would MAIL me to explain. I said I think Ive heard it all. So dont expect to hear from him.

    I wont lower myself to ask him for the money... Bread and water for a month rather than lower myself ;)


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    #58
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    SarahSassy wrote: »
    Oh not a word but he did say he would MAIL me to explain. I said I think Ive heard it all. So dont expect to hear from him.

    I wont lower myself to ask him for the money... Bread and water for a month rather than lower myself ;)

    oh i know, i'd be the same myself. too much pride. well beans on toast is always nice, all the required food groups. ;)


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    #59
    Lux23
    Registered Users Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    Personally I think women can be far more vindictive then men. I had sat and listened to females friends moaning and crying about getting treated badly men but I also witnessed them treat guys they aren't really interested in like ****. It all depends on the person really but women get away with a lot more than men. I know I have in the past.


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    #60
    Mr. Incognito
    Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    Look your ex appears to be an asshole- just because you can't take issue with him- as you're not in contact don't take it out on men in generally or try to rationalise what he did as what all men would do as they are unfeeling. You know that's untrue. Most people wouldn't do that. Objectively you're right to be annoyed. However, I'd prefer to hear both sides of the story before passing judgment.


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    #61
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    :eek:
    SetantaL wrote: »
    Look your ex appears to be an asshole- just because you can't take issue with him- as you're not in contact don't take it out on men in generally or try to rationalise what he did as what all men would do as they are unfeeling. You know that's untrue. Most people wouldn't do that. Objectively you're right to be annoyed. However, I'd prefer to hear both sides of the story before passing judgment.

    And I would like to have been affored the pleasure of his side of the story too. Unfortunately he didnt seem to think that I was entitled to that so you are stuck with my side.

    If you read my previous posts, I did say I know all men are not like that. You would have to be minding numbingly stupid to say all men are the same.....


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