some lyrics I wrote

droffats

these aren't really serious..just bits n pieces put 2gether....wud like to hear wat people tink though!..

I need to go

I kissed your lips, stone cold eyes focused on an empty wall
Oh you were passionate, your eyes shut tight overcome with fantasy
When you looked, you saw a mirror of your emotions
I saw the dim light beyond, the faded ocean

Chorus
But then you held my hand beneath the stars of guilth
and traced your finger tips along my palm so silk
It slipped away,
As you sprinkled your tears along my memory.

I need someone to put the air back into my lungs
someone to bring back to life what you've forgotton you love
I need to go you see,I need to go.....

Chorus

sunrise13

Very impressive... very emotional and thought provoking. needs a bit more tho. like another verse or even just a bridge...

droffats

Only me and you exist

We got lost in eachothers' hearts..
I'd stay there all day, wrapped in your arms,caught up in our world.

I opened my heart to you,let myself fall in love and you pushed me away as if I held a gun to your life and everyting that could fall apart if you just followed your heart.

So is that it,my only love?
I'll erase your number,pretend you didn't exist
your just a stranger I kissed, a stranger I miss,a stranger I love..no kind of stranger exists.

How can I love someone I never meet,
How can I see your face only when I sleep?
Come to my window once more,I need to see your face when I open the door,
tell me you love me and then kiss my lips,you can't be a stranger when only me and you exist.

sunrise13

"tell me you love me and then kiss my lips,you can't be a stranger when only me and you exist"

love that line!!! your a brave man posting your lyrics... I dont have the goolies but your talented alright...

droffats

where u get dat impression??...ah...woman!

sunrise13

:eek: woops sorry!! but from the lyrics i just assumed! my bad.... but still, very talented woman none the less!:D

droffats

hey..wud appreciate more feedback,if u cud leave a comment after lookin plz n tanks!!whether its bad r gud,wud love 2 hear wat people tink..

Laserface

very good stuff indeed

that line that Sunrise13 commented on is genius

would definitely like to see/hear more

guinnessdrinker

Droffats I like the lyrics of both songs and I dont think you should add any more verses. I think they are a good lenght, sometimes less is more I think.

What kind of music would you play the songs to? As in what type of band or genre?

droffats

tanks...not sure wat type ov music really.sometimes wen i sing em dare jazzy n odr times kinda traditional..

droffats

A PERFECT 7 O CLOCK

I watched ure apartment for 2 hrs, coincidently planned.
I listened to love songs as my eyes burned thru ure door... my
Head fell to the floor…u were gone….gone for sure.


Eventually u walked out, cool as ever not a care in d world
And I realised I loved you as u you walked by the door
Not noticing my face pretending not to see you
You were gone in minutes and I cried when u were
Because even though I was so close to u I felt so far away
Even though I saw u, u didn’t see me
Even though I wanted you u didn’t want me
And dat killed me
I've never wanted sum one so much
I could smell you even though u were miles away
I could feel u inside me even though that moment was gone,
Gone for good.

I think I like sum one else. I think he'll help me move on
He told me I was gorgeous in the most meaningful way
And it was beautiful
But I can’t stop thinking of you
I can’t stop yearning for you
He’s not you, I love you.
And I cannot seem to kiss him, I’m afraid he’ll cover ure taste
His hands are yours, I’ll close my eyes and pretend it’s you
I no its wrong but he does have something I love too
Just not as much as I do you…
And I don’t know what to do
Please love me so I can choose you.

Steve_o

Very good writing, are they all about the same person?? You could make a nice album with those!!!

droffats

nope dare not..if u read more carefully ul c d first 1 is difrent dan d 2nd 2!...r maybe u wont!!...u shud!..:D

pkarpiozo

Can you post more of them? How much would you sell rights for?

droffats

ahh don't know to be honest,wasn't planning on selling the rights to them.depends how good the offer was i suppose!

fallen-kiss

i think ur great!
love the power in your lyrics, keep it up!;)

droffats

nice 2 get gud feedbak!:)

droffats

Charlies


Charlie’s, its 7 o clock
Put down d guitar, put on d coat
Its time 4 a pint, I’ve bin singing all night.

We’re all strangers really but we’re together now
So let’s sit on d kegs n wait 4 d lights.
What a wonderful mornin, everyone’s new in this life

We all laugh and share talk, try to hold on...dream on
But wat we forget are d strangers that live here
We phase in and out of their terrible blight

Givus a laugh, singus a song
We wont be here long, just long enough to have fun
So tell us the lies u live by.. the ones u die by…

We’ll wake with a fright,
Take separate paths at no cost
And leave behind us the souls who got lost.

droffats

Standing on the road, cigarette on your bottom lip
no stir you would cause, no dignity lost

How can I write 'bout loving and hate, when I'm running on home short after the first date
From the nails on my fingertips to the wounds on my soul, the cracks they are showing, my body's getting old.

I bin too many places, seen too many things
You couldn't shock me if you put a needle in my skin
I've become blind to being treated like dirt, forgotten what it's like not to get hurt.

But when I look around me, nobody's holding a knife
You gotta be in gunshot, if you're lookin t' lose your life.

So you can walk back on in, put your cigarette down
Cause I'm not ready to be with someone, in a bulletproof gown.

droffats

Find some paper in the midst of the dust, now where's my pen
while I have you, a clear picture in my mind

not only cuts the snow, the sun
it puts me in a dream, a dream of broken dreams
so often that I come here, I forget
you're still sitting at the top of the bar

is that her who sits with you
simple hair and a plain black coat
she's like a whisper and that's enough for you

me, I bin drinking all week, tell you a story or two
you were far from my mind, i demand you know you were far from my mind

but I still see you, sitting at the top of the bar, cup of coffee
and the greenest eyes I ever did see
I wonder........I wonder, do they ever watch me from above?

droffats

I came close to you, in the bed
your breath was slow, you didn't push no more.
You were ready to go, ready to leave me
but oh, you'd bin gone for ten years or so.

Lookin in your drawer was like lookin in your soul
pictures and letters with drink stains and blood.
But I'm sure.......there were tear drops too
for every day, for every day of our lives that you stole.

Carried away, carried away.....you didn't budge
carried away and I couldn't look
carried away, for the last time.


Goodbye..... goodbye, you troubled soul

goodbye.

donkeypop

Droffats,

I hope you don't mind a bit of constructive criticism, do you?

I came close to you, in the bed
your breath was slow, you didn't push no more.
You were ready to go....,

I think you have to be careful with the imagery you employ: to this point in the song I'm not entirely sure if this is person who has left you, or if this person is about to have your baby.

In one of the other songs you posted you wrote this line:

Cause I'm not ready to be with someone, in a bulletproof gown.

I'm now thinking about a woman wearing a long Kevlar dress, and I have to say it's not an appealing image. I wouldn't want to be with her either! There's nothing to indicate that this is a metaphor, and it sounds a bit silly on literal reading.

Also, "Gown" is used simply for the sake of the rhyme. "Vest" is what people say, and it is lazy to substitute words like this for the sake of rhyme: with a little extra work I'm sure you could find a better way to make the idea fit.

In that song you have a lot of images: cigarettes, dirt, growing old, needles, knives, gunshots, but it's difficult to imagine the scenes because of the placement of your characters.

Your erstwhile lover is standing (outside your door?) at the start, and (inside?) you're running, then you've been everywhere, then you're looking around, and then she walks in. It seems a little confusing for me.

Perhaps you should be a bit more ambiguous about the character's position, and leave a little more to the imagination of the listener? For instance, you could say "I'm sitting on a bus" in a song or, you could describe a scene that someone sees on a bus and it is implied that your character is sitting on the bus (that way you don't need to waste words describing simple actions).

To illustrate a bit more clearly, I've taken some of your images and I've written a lyric called "Gunshot" to give you some idea of what I mean:

Gunshot

Lovers, on the late night bus
and I'm thinking
they look just like us

coming back from our very first date
just like it was yesterday

Tonight,
it's getting cold and wet
I've been tryin' hard
to light this cigarette

I''ll be home,
(but) it might be late
just like yesterday

Love's like a gunshot
that rings in my ear
but I'm all out of bullets
and it's getting hard
to hear it anymore
and there's nothing
to shoot for
I wish we were...

Lovers,
on that late night bus
and I'm thinking
that was just like us

on our very first date
just like it was yesterday.

droffats

About the first quote..I don't particularly want people to know what I'm talking about, that’s why I use metaphors and am not clear.

And the 'bulletproof gown' image is meant to portray someone who is completely protected, not just their upper body as would be the case with a bulletproof vest..I used gown to symbolise how they are entirely guarded, and I use the total contrast between the harshness of 'bulletproof' and the softness of 'gown' to show how beneath their calm almost flowing exterior they are almost unhurtable.
By the way I'm talking about a man, I'm a woman!

That's what I mean about my lyrics, they're not logical nor are they meant to be but they are my way of seeing something very ordinary and writing as if it were extraordinary I suppose..

Cigarettes, dirt, growing old, needles, knives, gunshots..
These images aren't representing a real scene..
they are metaphors for various feelings.
The song in question would be very hard to explain as it's a mixture of different events and feelings all tied together, not just a particular night I'm describing, there’s mush more depth to what I write.

The song you wrote there is simple but quite beautiful, I appreciate your comments but I’m just a very different writer than you.

donkeypop

droffats,

I understand that. But, if you want to play your songs to other people you've got to give them something to hold onto.

What you're saying, I think, is that your current writing is somewhat like writing in a diary, but in metaphorical codes. Just because you use metaphor, it doesn't mean that people shouldn't be able to understand you. You're not going to connect with many other people if you bury things like that.

Obviously, you may be doing this for your own personal edification, but one would wonder why you are posting stuff on the internet if you don't want anyone to know what you're talking about.