Need to vent at friends!!! Post here!

Pyjamarama

Ok so not really sure if my annoyance is warranted but I just need a bit of a vent!!

I'm going away for a year with the OH in a few weeks (why am I moaning then you might ask!). I've been saving for what seems like forever but is probably only a year. During this time I haven't been going out all that much and trying to save as much money as I can. This has never been a major issue as my friends are mostly still in college, starting to work or saving to go away themselves so no-one has been particularly flush with cash.

I've been trying to spend lots of time with my friends as I won't see any of them for a year. Everyone is pretty busy these days so it can be hard to meet up but in general we all make the effort. My problem is with one of my friends that lives really close to me but hardly makes any effort. She was very busy with college last year so I always made allowances, accepted I might see her once in a blue moon. Now she's working (not a stressful job with long hours or anything) I assumed she might make more effort but it just hasn't happened. If I see her it's always me suiting her, going to her house, going to her side of town etc. I feel like I'm always initiating meeting up and well at this stage I'm just kind of sick of it. A lot of our friends have moved away for work and I don't get to see them much so that also doesn't help. One of my friends that is literally living the other side of the world was also annoyed at this friend for being so bad at keeping in touch.

Not really sure why I'm even posting I just need to moan about it I guess! She's a great friend but I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. I know when I leave she'll say she'll miss me so much but I'd just like her to show that by making a bit of effort while I'm still here!!

what2do

If she's not willing to make an effort why should you?!

Pyjamarama

what2do wrote: »

If she's not willing to make an effort why should you?!

Yeah I know!! I don't think she's a bad person or anything and that she just doesn't realise what she's doing. I'll alway make an effort with people that are important to me and feel bad if I let people down (pull out of a nite out at the last minute or whatever.). *Sigh* It won't be an issue in a few weeks anyway but needed to get it off my chest! Made a last ditch effort by texting her about meeting up this weekend and won't bother contacting her again until she contacts me. It's just sad when friends you think will always be there for you aren't!! Bah!

watna

I had a friend like that. She was my best mate in school. About 6 months into college I was getting really frustrated. She'd dropped out of college, got a dodgy bf and it was such a hassle to see her. You always had to go to her house (she lived a long way from me and I didn;t drive in those days) and the bf was always there. He wouldn't leave me in the room with her alone. i tried and tried to get her to come to some events in college or out for a night but if you didn't go to her and sit in her house with her and her bf she wouldn't budge. Then one day she sent me as text message telling me to "go f*ck myself". 6 years later and I still don't know why! (Think the dodgy bf was sticking his oar in, she lost touch with all her friends while going out with him)

Going on my experience, if you're friend is that much trouble it's not worth it. Obviously if there was a reason she couldn't compromise you'd understand, or if she was having a hard time but just not to bother isn't very nice. Friendships should be a two way street. I'm off travelling myself in three months and my friends keep saying they're going to miss me and making an extra effort to meet up, even though we're all busy with work or bfs.

I'd leave her be, if she's not willing to make the tiniest bit of effort then she's got a great friend. If she had a big problem would she be banging on your door? Maybe when you get back from your travels she'll have missed you and make more of an effort, but it doesn't sound like she will before you go away.

Have you said anything to her?

Pyjamarama

watna wrote: »

Going on my experience, if you're friend is that much trouble it's not worth it. Obviously if there was a reason she couldn't compromise you'd understand, or if she was having a hard time but just not to bother isn't very nice. Friendships should be a two way street. I'm off travelling myself in three months and my friends keep saying they're going to miss me and making an extra effort to meet up, even though we're all busy with work or bfs.

I'd leave her be, if she's not willing to make the tiniest bit of effort then she's got a great friend. If she had a big problem would she be banging on your door? Maybe when you get back from your travels she'll have missed you and make more of an effort, but it doesn't sound like she will before you go away.

Have you said anything to her?

That's the thing I would expect her to make more effort to see me like other friends are or at least apologise for not meeting up that much (again as a few other friends have as their lives are a bit manic at the moment).

She's just started going out with someone too (which I didn't even know for weeks as I didn't see her to talk to her!) so that would be another reason. I think it will be different when I come back because their will be a bigger group again. I def won't put myself out as much though in terms of always going to her house or meeting when it suits her.

I haven't said anything to her because when I do see her it's always for a short amount of time or with other people and I don't see the point in having an argument about it when I'll be gone in a few weeks anyway. When we do meet she is always like oh my god it's been so long hasn't it and does sometimes say sorry about it but I just expected more effort on her part now her life has settled and she's working etc!

watna

I know the feeling. I'm living in "going travelling soon limbo". Everything is put on hold. I keep thinking, no don't buy that for the house/clothes for myself/pretty shoes i see on sale because you can't take it with you or don't bother doing that, you're gone in 3 months! It's the weirdest sensation actually, it's like a half-life, just waiting for the date on your ticket, wishing your life away. I'm a bit fed up of it actually... surprisingly, even though I'm off on an adventure I'm finding it quite depressing!

I didn't say anything to my friend at the time either because i thought saying the words out loud sounded a bit petty and childish, "I want you to want to see me, boo hoo hoo! Plus, why should you have all the worry and upset when they don't care!

I reckon things will have settled down when you get back and she'll make more of an effort because you were away. if she doesn't, then she wasn't a great friend to start with!

Crumble Froo

i've been in a similar situation to watna and the OP here, and, well, i did end up ringing one of my best and oldest mates for a heart to heart, cos i was at the end of my tether trying to meet up with her.. though at the mo, she is doing the whole college/thesis/work thing, but we do hang around in largely different circles, and have completely different ideas as to what makes a great night out, but i rang her, and told her that whoa, it feels like im losing her, cos we just haven't seen each other in so long, or when we are free, we'd have plans with other friends.

i reckon your best bet is to lay your cards down on the table before you just forget about her. ring/email her and tell her you love her to bits, and would hate to lose her as a friend, but that, as far as you can tell, it is you that seems to be doing all the chasing, and that friendship is about give and take.

Pyjamarama

watna wrote: »

I know the feeling. I'm living in "going travelling soon limbo". Everything is put on hold. I keep thinking, no don't buy that for the house/clothes for myself/pretty shoes i see on sale because you can't take it with you or don't bother doing that, you're gone in 3 months! It's the weirdest sensation actually, it's like a half-life, just waiting for the date on your ticket, wishing your life away. I'm a bit fed up of it actually... surprisingly, even though I'm off on an adventure I'm finding it quite depressing!

I didn't say anything to my friend at the time either because i thought saying the words out loud sounded a bit petty and childish, "I want you to want to see me, boo hoo hoo! Plus, why should you have all the worry and upset when they don't care!

I reckon things will have settled down when you get back and she'll make more of an effort because you were away. if she doesn't, then she wasn't a great friend to start with!

Watna we are living the same life!! Limbo land sucks and it has been getting me down. It feels like I'm being stupid because I'm going on a trip of a lifetime and yet I get really depressed because I can't remember the last time I bought clothes or can't even buy food without adding everything up in my head! Me and my boyfriend were actually saying it'll be so weird when we come home and we'll be able to buy whatever we want! I've been living for going away for a year and a half now and am at the end of my tether! Think that's why this stuff with my friend is effecting me more cos I just have waaaaaay too much thinking time as I'm not going out much or doing anything fun!

Glad someone else is in the same boat, thought I was crazy to be getting depressed when I'm going away! Even after I posted this thread I thought maybe I was reacting a bit OTT about it so don't think I'm gona talk to her about it. We did meet up this weekend and she did apologise in advance if she didn't email loads when I was away cos she's a bit of a technophobe and is just really bad a keeping in contact that way so I won't be surprised if I hardly ever hear from her (but I doubt I'll have much time to worry about it when I'm lying on a beach! )

Thanks for the advice too narco. I do think it'll be different when I come home and I only have a few more weeks anyway so I'm gona stop complaining!!

Are you going to work in New Zealand Watna (saw it in your signature!)? That was my plan once but decided to not work when we're away at all instead and come back to a big heap of debt instead :rolleyes:

watna

You'rel living the same life as me too!!!! I feel so much better!!!!

I've been really down the last 2 weeks. People think I'm just being silly but living for the future is really depressing. I'm glad you feel the same! My bf took me out for lunch today to help cheer me up and I had vouchers to spend from Christmas. It made me feel better anyway!

Yep, I'll be working over in NZ. We're travelling in Malaysia/Singapore/Borneo for three weeks on the way. I'll prob get a job after 4/5 weeks in Wellington. 2 months off will be long enough for me, I'll be wanting to get sorted and meet people etc after that, plus it'll be better to be living off my wages rather then my savings in my irish bank account. I want to save that for emergencies and/or further travelling when in NZ.

You sound worse off then me because you're not going to be working and need as much money as possible. At least I'll be workig so am not on as much pressure. Im counting down how long I've left in work (14 weeks!). Once I get through that I'll be fine. If you want some sympathy send me a PM. I do understand how you feel! Most people just think I'm mad because I'm off soon but it's not soon enough for me!

Pyjamarama

Yeah I think everyones thinks I'm a bit mad being depressed when they're all jealous cos I get to flounce off around the world and not work for a year!!

I had a voucher to spend last week and it was so great!! I was even thinking of putting it towards a rucksack then thought hell no, I need to buy something frivolous!!

Yeah it is a lot more pressure, we put back leaving when we decided we weren't going to work but you still never save as much as you plan! I duno how many budgets and saving spreadsheets I've made!!

I'll be in New Zealand for two months actually, really looking forward to exploring the whole country, hiking up glaciers and skydiving and everything!

There's light at the end of the tunnel for me now as it only a few weeks but yeah it can never come soon enough!

watna

A few weeks, lucky! As you can see from my sig I have to wait a bit longer then that.

I was going to spend one of my vouchers on travel vaccines so I wouldn't have to buy them. I had to tell myself to cop on and buy myself something pretty instead! I'm already trying to plan what to pack, I can't travel light... how am I going to pack for a year+?

You're trip sounds fab! My situation is a little different I guess, my bf is a kiwi so for him it's just going home. If you're Wellington at all send me a pm and perhaps we can meet for a drink. I'll be there permanently from the beginning of June. Are you going to the ladies beers next Friday?

Glad to hear you talked to your friend. At least you know where you stand, and you're right. If you're lying on a beach somewhere you won't be worrying about it!

Pyjamarama

Yeah I'm picturing in my head what I'm gona pack, only bringing clothes that I'm prepared to throw away if my bag gets too full! I promised my boyfriend I'd travel light because I literally am the worst packer in the world! Figure it makes sense to not bring much as it's an excuse to go shopping in Asia where it'll be nice and cheap

Will def be in Wellington at some stage so will PM you! Are you staying for a year or is a permanent move??! Lucky you with a kiwi boyfriend, I have a kiwi friend and his acent is endlessly entertaining!!

Would love to go to the ladies beers but with saving as it is I don't think it's possible and it clashes with a friends birthday too. Are you going? It's a pity cos I've only recently discovered TLL and I've been on boards ages. It could have been keeping me entertained at work for much longer!

watna

Pyjamarama wrote: »

Yeah I'm picturing in my head what I'm gona pack, only bringing clothes that I'm prepared to throw away if my bag gets too full! I promised my boyfriend I'd travel light because I literally am the worst packer in the world! Figure it makes sense to not bring much as it's an excuse to go shopping in Asia where it'll be nice and cheap

Will def be in Wellington at some stage so will PM you! Are you staying for a year or is a permanent move??! Lucky you with a kiwi boyfriend, I have a kiwi friend and his acent is endlessly entertaining!!

Would love to go to the ladies beers but with saving as it is I don't think it's possible and it clashes with a friends birthday too. Are you going? It's a pity cos I've only recently discovered TLL and I've been on boards ages. It could have been keeping me entertained at work for much longer!

Yup, I'll be there with bells on! Should be fun. If you can pop in for half an hour.

We're going for a year and then we'll see... I don't think it'll be forever though. My bf keeps mentioning he knows how much I love Dublin!

When you're in Wellington definitely feel free to PM. I'm sure you'll have some good stories from travels. (and I'm sure you'll post some here when you have internet access to keep the rest of us working away sane!)

Pyjamarama

Yep I'll see what the birthday plans are, I would like to pop in for a bit!

Aw that's cute, at least he knows that anyway! Don't think I could move permanently either, as much as I give out about this place I still love it!

Good luck with the countdown and have some fun to stay sane!

jezza

Ok, well I’m having trouble with a mate too. We’ve been friends since we were 10 and we are now 19.
Lets call her holly.
She’s studying in UK while I’m in Ireland and she comes home 5 or 6 times during the year.
Her mother is a major pain in the ass. I get at least one text each week. I am guaranteed one. Basically telling me to keep in contact with my friend because she misses home. Ok… I email her and we chat on face book. But apparently this is not good enough. I’m expected to text her or call her.

Now myself and my friend could not be more different. At all. She’s the type of girl who never ever ever went out in school. She didn’t even go to our debs.
Me on the other hand. I’m a party girl, into piercing ‘s, mad hair, scandalous clothes, going out, getting drunk and flirting with the lads.
She has kissed one guy. In fact I think he was the first guy she ever was friends with.
She’s the youngest out of her family, she has 2 sisters (ones 35 and the other one is 28) and two older brothers. There’s a 9 year age gap between her and the next youngest. And all siblings are nursing in the UK.
So essentially she was an only child and seems to have been spoilt rotten. Her mother treats her like an imbecile.

Annnnyhoooo… she was home for Christmas, came the 19th and we met up to go to cinema on the Friday and we all went out then on the Saturday night. She brought her older sister (28) with us, us being me and my friends. Her sister sat in a corner all night and my friend later informed me that she hadn’t a good night (Oh really!?) because she felt out of place. We were out for my other friend (Nicole) 20th and on the way into the club, my friend started to sulk saying she didn’t like that particular club and wanted to go to a new one up the town.
Nicole was to meet more of our friends inside this club and Nicole isn’t mates with her and told her in no uncertain terms that she and I were going in there and that, if she didn’t like that set up, she could bog off if she didn’t like the set up.

This girl will never buy a round. Myself and Nicole bought a jug of cocktail each in the bar before we went up to the club, Holly had a glass out of each jug but she never offers to buy drink. As Kate didn’t buy a jug of cocktail she bought a round of drinks up in the club for us. Holly didn’t buy a single drink all night-nor did she offer. Its not unusual either. She never does.

She is tipsy after 3 drinks and I feel like I can’t get drunk in front of her. She looks down on it.
She disapproves of running around slapping guys arses and she disapproves of shots or drinking pints and disapproves of tiny skirts/shorts which is what I wear out.
Its like going out with my granma. She doesn’t like waiting on a taxi so I’ll walk her home (about 10 minutes from centre of town) and I’ve to walk back in on my own.

Anyway, my Christmas exams weren’t until January and since I hadn’t showed my face in college since November, I had a lot of catching up to do. I called in Christmas eve at about 9pm with her Christmas gifts and she was all chat, I said that I was in a bit of a hurry as I had to drop off rest of presents. She retorted with “Aren’t you leaving it very late to deliver the presents.”

On the way out of her house (about half 10) her mother tells me to call in during Christmas as Holly is there every night . I explained I had exams, thinking it would be understood as Holly didn’t come home from UK until her essay was finished. (Didn’t have to be handed in until end of Jan)

Fast forward St.Stephens day, she text and asked if I was going out. I said that I wasn’t but to text Kate and see if Kate was heading out.
Kate rang me the day after St.Stephens day to tell me that Holly’s ma called into her in work and asked her if she went out the night before. Kate mistook this for an innocent question and said yeah, that she headed out for a couple of drinks. Holly’s mum proceeded to say that “Poor Holly was sitting in at home. On her own. Last night. She was told nobody was going out. Its nice to see who your friends are, isn’t it?”
Kate was taken aback and said, she had headed out with the girls from work and that if holly had text her then there’d have been no problem.
That Thursday night Holly text me to see if I was going out. I said no, that I was studying. Friday night she text and asked if I’d call in and watch a dvd and I said, no that I was studying.
Saturday night I was heading out for a pint with my dad and brothers and she text saying “Are you coming out tonight? Surely you can take a break hehe.”
I replied I was with my family but she was more than welcome to come in and join us but she replied with a “fine”.
She didn’t join us.

She text NYE to see if I was going out and I said that I was going to a house party right next door to me, with my ex and my dad and my brothers.

I was supposed to go back to college on Wednesday for exams Thurs but I didn’t head back down there until Sunday. Holly didn’t know this and herself and her mum drove 4 miles out of her way, to my house, seen my car so knew I was home.

I don’t have a problem with her calling out but what was with the spying?

Her mum text on Monday, the day holly went back to UK,- no question how exams went, just merely informing me that Holly didn’t enjoy her Christmas, as it was “lonely”.

Her mother calls into Kate on a reg basis to enquire how I am. What I’m doing, when I come home, what I think of course ect.

She asks me how the family are, whats my brother doing, ect ect, trivial stuff. The next day she met Nicole’s ma in tesco and proceeded to ask EXACT SAME questions, knowing shelly is very very close to my family.

I am so so close to cracking and telling them both to get lost. Or am I just being unreasonable?

bada_bing

hhmm seems like you guys are not really compatible as friends and the differences between you and your friend have gotten to a point that neither of you can enjoy each other's company. You and your friend have simply grown apart and there's nothing in common anymore, time to call it a day i reckon.

echosound

Sounds like you have nothing in common and don't enjoy each other's company, you are complete polar opposites when it comes to what you do on a night out. Why drag it out? Just drop contact.

Also, her mother sounds a bit nuts. I'd stop answering texts from her and if she persists with this "you must call Holly" stuff tell her that Holly is also capable of picking up a phone.

Mr. Presentable

Phew! people grow out of people. Especially in the early years while they develop. You grew one way, Holly another. I wouldn't "amputate" the friendship, but definitely prune it. It has become less vital than previously.

Dizzyblonde

Omg, her mother is like a stalker. It sounds to me as though your friendship with this girl wore out long ago and her mother is trying to make you responsible for her daughter's social life and wellbeing.
I say block this woman's number from your phone and if that doesn't work you might have to tell them both to get lost.
I know that sounds harsh but your movements are none of this woman's business.
You're definitely not being unreasonable.

gubbie

I agree with Nipplenuts.

I think you should tell her mother to stop being so pushy. Its only making you annoyed and probably driving more of a wedge between you and your friend.

I'd sit down and talk to your friend. She's probably more reliant on you then anyone cos all her friends are back in the UK. Thats why you shouldn't just drop her. You'd ruin her if you did

Jules

Sorry for the merge but i think i general thread for venting is best!

SW81

friends that feck off when they get a boyfriend