Cheeky Sexist jokes

xzanti

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.


What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Internet

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman


How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.


How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.


What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.


Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.


How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.


Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.


Why did God create woman ?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.


Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.


If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have

you done wrong?

Made her chain too long


How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer

to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told


I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.


Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and

still think they are sexy.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

___________________________________________

Mossin

I love these!

No matter how many times I read these i always end up laughing out loud inappropriately like just now in work.

Q. Why is a woman's wedding dress white?
A. To match all the other appliances.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting
circumcised?

A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.......

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

great unwashed

God those jokes are totally evil ! I'd say you lads reckon that all women are the same they just have different faces.

('Telawoman' - brilliant!! And completely true!!!)

vulcan57

Whats the difference between a woman and a Boeing 747?

A Boeing 747 only whines when there's something really wrong!

MooseJam

very good stuff

Plug

Why dont you buy your wife a watch?

becasue theres a clock on the oven!

Capt'n Midnight

vulcan57 wrote: »

Whats the difference between a woman and a Boeing 747?

A Boeing 747 only whines when there's something really wrong!

Aussie version

How do you know when the plane from London's arrive ?

The engines have stopped but you can still hear the whining.

AckwelFoley

An old one..

What do you sat to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing.. you already told her twice

walshs3

why are women called the opposite sex?
Try expressing an opinion..

Capt'n Midnight

If a man speaks, in a forest, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong ?

bad2theboneB

Scientists have discovered that women sometimes obtain intelligent DNA but 90% of the time they spit it out.

BigEejit

lol, some crackers there

Capt'n Midnight

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite
chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a
beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me
another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him
a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's
gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You
waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say
hello to me and then expect me to run around like your
slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and
wash and iron all day long?











The husband sighed. "IT'S STARTED"

Capt'n Midnight

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweller said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. “I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweller phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”