Top Tips from Viz

Crazy Christ

http://fishtank.org.uk/humour/humour.php3?articleid=61

• KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.
  
• FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
  
• Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
  
• Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
  
• Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
  
• Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
  
  
• Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.
  
• FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
  
• HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
  
  
• SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
  
• TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
  
• MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
  
• SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
  
• NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
  
• EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
  
  
• Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
  
• Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
  
• Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
  
  
• If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
  
• Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  
• Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
  
• Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
  
  
• Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
  
• Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
  
• Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
  
  
• International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
  
  
• PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

LadyE

Brilliant

Lockstep

Viz's top tips are some of the funniest magazine parts.

My favorite:

Daily Mail editors: confuse your readers by telling them Asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.