Another breakup thread

Caddy

Hey girls, professional lurker here looking for a bit of advice/friendly words.

I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend of over 3 years, quite devastated to say the least. We have been living together for the last year and a half so I now have the unpleasant task of looking for somewhere to live. I’m not from Dublin so friends are extremely thin on the ground here (non-existent if I’m honest ).

The relationship hadn’t been going well for the last while but I still thought we could have salvaged it. Even right up to an hour ago until his mother rang me saying she was sorry that we had broken up. I don’t think there is much coming back from there!

I didn’t want to put this in PI as I’d seen how good youse were to others in the same position as me.

Any advice/tips on how to get through this would be extremely welcome. Any offers of places going spare in the city centre wouldn’t go amiss either.

Thanks for reading.

Clare Bear

First off, *hugs*

Ah I know it's beyond crap what you're going through right now. Have a good cry (as much as you'll want to hold it in, it's something you just have to do), take your time....

Look to the future, it wasn't going well for a while so in your heart deep down maybe you knew it wasn't going to last? Focus on finding a lovely new place to live (yet again give yourself time though, where you live and who you live with is a massive thing).

As for going spare in the city and not having many friends this is what the Ladies Lounge is here for. Some girls on here saved me recently when I was going mad. Feel free to join us anytime at all, whether it's for a night out, coffee, cinema or whatever. They're a great bunch.

Hope you're okay. You will be. It just takes time. God I know what it's like, as do most of the girls on here. But you will be okay, keep telling yourself that. Take care of yourself hun, it's going to be a bumpy ride xxx

SarahSassy

Caddy,

Im sorry to hear that... I think you need to have a good bawl as Clare said and also get yourself busy with practical things. You need to find someplace to live so get started on that. Do you want to stay in Dublin? If not then this may be the time to move....

Try to keep busy. I have yet to meet the Ladies Lounge girls but they seem to be a great bunch. You can get through this.... It will be hard for a while but it can be done.

Good luck

SS

Karen_*

Come out with us Caddy and have a chat and a cry. We've all been through it as some stage. As Clare says, this has saved some of us or even most of us.

What you're going through is awful, beyond awful! But we know how you feel. You'll be grand and will get through it but its so painful. Cry your eyes out. Have a few days off work and think of ways to get busy. As the ssong goes, you got along without him before you met him... Easier said than done though.

pm anyone for a chat, get excersise. Drink loads of coffee but stay away from alcohol. In other words do everything exactly the opposite that I did:D

AckwelFoley

Sorry to hear about that.

Im in a similar boat.. but after 7 years

I suggest you go to one of the ladies lounge meetups.. im sure it would be fun to make new friends


.. i wont see you there tho.. ive a penis, and unless they are about 2" long and on top of your drinking straw, they are not allowed at LL meetups

Karen_*

:(Awwwwwwww

Ah girls, poor snyper:(

Caddy

Thanks for your replies, they are much appreciated.

Just off the phone there to my sister so I’m feeling a bit better after talking it out with someone.

You’ve raised a good point Sarah, I’m not sure if I want to be in Dublin anymore. If I had my friends and family around me now I don’t think it would be half as hard. The only problem is that I have a half decent job in Dublin, one that I will have no hope of getting at home. I’m going to get stuck into the ni jobs sites anyway as well as trawling though daft.

Clare and Karen, thanks for the offer of going out with the Ladies Lounge sometime. I’ve read the threads for the meetups and was always meaning to put myself forward for some Friday night. It’ll be on the top of my agenda once I get my head sorted.

Really sorry to hear about your breakup snyper, what ever I’m going though will only be half as bad as you. Listen to the ladies in this thread, they know what they are talking about.

G86

Hey chick,

Aw I'm so sorry but you know what, you'll be ok. Three years is a long time but you've the rest of your life now, and its all yours to do what you want with. You don't have to think about anyone else but yourself for the next while, and what YOU want. I think you should stay in Dublin though and try make a go of it, it'll be hard at first but sure you could meet a few of us headers at the weekends and you'd soon have loads of new mates

Jules

synper, the first LL meet up was girls only if you want to go to any more do! And caddy we have all been in that boat, the girls generallymeet up for coffee during the week or go out at weekends. Come along and we can cheer you up!

AckwelFoley

Jules wrote: »

synper, the first LL meet up was girls only if you want to go to any more do!

Thanks Jules However i think for now anyway, its nice that the girls can meet up on a sort of "girls night only" to unwind

I like to frequent the LL because many of the topics are interesting, and i do participate in some of the discussions, so perhaps when i get to know more of ye, ill gate crash a meetup with my Gigantic head!

Cathmandooo

Jules wrote: »

synper, the first LL meet up was girls only if you want to go to any more do! And caddy we have all been in that boat, the girls generallymeet up for coffee during the week or go out at weekends. Come along and we can cheer you up!

Or we can get you drunk at least

Sorry to hear about the break up, hope you feel better soon

Cathmandooo

snyper wrote: »

I like tofrequent the LL because many of the topics are interesting, and i do partake in some of the discussions, so perhaps when i get to know more of ye, ill gate crash a meetup with my Gigantic head!

Oh I thought the same that I wanted to get to know some of the girls online a bit better before meeting them. I had a few brief chit chats with one or two of the girlies before the first LL meetup happened and i took the plunge anyway. It was seriously great fun, the girls were all so normal, felt like meeting girls from college who you've met but don't really know. Come along and i guarantee you'll have fun. if you're not enjoying it you can go home whenever you like, it's not like a blind date that you have to stick around for!!

Ginny

Caddy, I was in completely the same boat as yourself 2 months ago, now I've just bought my own house.
Its tough, and its going to get tougher for you, but I used the house as something to focus my energies on, is there anything you can do that with?
This might sound a bit strange too but by forcing myself to get on with things and act "normal" I eventually realised I wasn't making myself act normal i actually was feeling normal.
Its going to be a hard process but can you move in with friends for a bit, i did this and just let them look after me, best thing I ever did was let people help me, instead of trying to get through it alone.
And come out with us, even go to the BGRH beers, I think some of the girls are popping along to it.
Oh and do not listen to your songs/cds whatever, it won't help at all, and everytime a sad song comes on the radio change over.

AckwelFoley

Oh and do not listen to your songs/cds whatever

Yup.

You want to listen to it but it just kills you.

R - Kelly...bastard!

Ginny

Hey if ye can get through this ye can get through anything...
*edit*

AckwelFoley

/cant listen

Ginny

Seriously? sorry I thought you were joking.

The Recliner

Trapped in the Closet, best unintentional comedy ever

Caddy

What was said above about working through the hurt and it eventually not hurting anymore and becoming normal is very true

A 5 year relationship broke up about 5 months ago and it was hell for a while but eventually you accept it and get on with things and realise that there is someone better out there for you

AckwelFoley

GinnyJo wrote: »

Seriously? sorry I thought you were joking.

No, i cant listen because my internet connection sucks!

I cant even look at a damien rice copy of the album O, without feeling sick!!

We used to go to his gigs in Mullingar when he was an unknown...

Ginny

Ahhhhh ok.

BellX1 one is mine.

AckwelFoley

BellX1.. lol.. she loved them too! are u tryin to kill me?!


:P

Rice started out with them.

Ginny

Yeah knew them back in the juniper days.

Anyway Caddy if you're still about, how you getting on now?

Jinxter

hey
im really sorry to hear this-if its any consolation im in the process of feeling the way u felt before u broke up..feeling that he doesnt care nymre n tired of trying.after 2yrs...feel im just a bit of a thing for him to entertain himself with when he's free from work r bored...im so confused as i love him with all my heart but afraid to admit to myself that he may nt love me anymore...if u can sot out my head ill try sort out urs....by the way ive cried all night n cant sleep....

Jinxter

can i get advice....

The Recliner

Jinxter wrote: »

can i get advice....

I think you just have to talk to him about it

You may just have gotten stuck in a routine and need to shake things up a little

Might be no harm to be prepared for the worst though, sometimes some relationships have just run their course

It is crap when they end one sided though

Clare Bear

Caddy wrote: »

Clare and Karen, thanks for the offer of going out with the Ladies Lounge sometime. I’ve read the threads for the meetups and was always meaning to put myself forward for some Friday night. It’ll be on the top of my agenda once I get my head sorted.
.

Caddy your head doesn't have to be sorted to come along....I met Karen the day after I got dumped and she did me the world of good....and went out a week after with a few other girls from here and even though I cried twice (fooking Coppers playing his two favourite songs!!!!!) it was good to get out and meet new people. I'm not exaggerating when I say people on here seriously saved me and I doubt very much I'd be half as good as I am now if it wasn't for them....I'm someone who for some reason just could not talk to close friends and family about it so instead I poured my heart out on a message board to thousands of people! But thank God I did, it was the best thing I could have done.

So if you want to come along (even this Thursday if you want to get out for a few hours there'll be a few of us out) anytime, do, they're a lovely bunch and did me the world of good.

I hope you'll be okay hun, it's the worst feeling in the world but you'll get there xx

Wibbs

Jinxter wrote: »

hey
im really sorry to hear this-if its any consolation im in the process of feeling the way u felt before u broke up..feeling that he doesnt care nymre n tired of trying.after 2yrs...feel im just a bit of a thing for him to entertain himself with when he's free from work r bored...im so confused as i love him with all my heart but afraid to admit to myself that he may nt love me anymore...if u can sot out my head ill try sort out urs....by the way ive cried all night n cant sleep....

Fresh from my ranting longwinded guff on PI the only advice I would give to anyone who isn't sure and it's an oldie is this.... Actions speak louder than words. Scarily it is really that simple. People often listen to the words or confuse bad or wishy washy actions with the real deal. The real deal comes down to emotional maturity, empathy and respect.

In a weird way how you feel about him doesn't really matter. I know that sounds a bit mad, but it's how he feels and acts towards you and how you feel and act towards each other that really count. It doesn't matter if he makes your knees go weak, it doesn't matter if you think he's cool, it doesn't matter if you think you won't get better(you will btw).

All relationships have ups and downs, but if you choose to work at them together, then it has a chance. It's like two people on a see saw, if one doesn't do their part, it leaves the other up in the air no matter what they do.

If you're not learning and growing out of this, walk away. Be you, on your own for a while(that can be a hard one for some women).

The same goes for breakups. If someone chooses to leave you, then let them go. BTW it's always a choice, no matter what is their excuse, so choose to let them go and take back what you think you've lost.... Yourself.

Ginny

Exactly, its never about how you feel about them, you can have all the feelings for them in the world but thats not going to change how they feel.
Wibbs you are clever.

Wibbs

Not really(though thanks for the vote of confidence. The fiver's in the post BTW. )

We all instinctively know this stuff. We resist it because of our past or peer influence or simply because we have the ants in the pants for someone that we confuse for something more. We all do it, men and women. That stuff can shout much louder than our inner voice*. It's only when that dies down a bit that we may spot the problems. Of course then we may be so wrapped up in the others lives that detaching is hard and fear of being alone kicks in.

I tell you, looking back I'm grateful for and to every woman that gave me the heave ho. They saved me having to do it later, though at the time, the requisite bawling into the pint o guinness was required.:D All but one of those exes came into my life again and in each case I saw them with new eyes. Not bad eyes exactly I just knew that we weren't suited. Though with one it was defo a WTF was I thinking moment. I even questioned somewhere south of the bellybutton in the same manner.:D




* went all Oprah there. Apologies. I feel dirty now.....

Ginny

Well at least you didn't utter the line
"He's just not that into you"... I blame Oprah for all that ****e.

And again you're right, you can't see any of the ****e while you're in it, you don't even realise you ignore it or make excuses for it, until its over and a few weeks down the line you cop that you're not going to die, and hold on if X Y or Z was happening in a new relationship you wouldn't pursue it but you let it slide in the old one...but again you said it so much better:D
(even tenner so?:D)

Cazlou

GinnyJo wrote: »

Well at least you didn't utter the line
"He's just not that into you"... I blame Oprah for all that ****e.

And again you're right, you can't see any of the ****e while you're in it, you don't even realise you ignore it or make excuses for it, until its over and a few weeks down the line you cop that you're not going to die, and hold on if X Y or Z was happening in a new relationship you wouldn't pursue it but you let it slide in the old one...but again you said it so much better:D
(even tenner so?:D)

+ 1,000,000!!!!!!