losing my best friend?

G86

I am so mad.

I met my best friend about 2 yr ago when we started the same job. We've always been very close, she has no family and treats her close friends as family. However, lately she is being too demanding and driving me mental.

She broke up with her boyf of 2 yrs about a month after i broke up with my boyf. Yet shes still sleeping with him - and I can see its hurting her even more. However, I've kept my mouth shut because she just won't listen and goes off on one if I try to help. I have another close friend from home who I talk to alot and my mate here recently got pissed at me for talking about my probs to this girl more than her. I told her I did this because she was going through a break up and I didn't feel it right to be talking to her about my issues aswell.

As well as that, when I do talk to her shes very over bearing - she always has to be right. For example, I was feeling down one night a few wks ago and text an ex - I told her the next day and she went mad at me telling me how stupid it was. That wasn't what I needed at the time, I just needed someone to listen, not to judge me.

She over - dramatises every little thing and its driving me ctazy.

She recently started talking to my little sister, and when my sis came to dub at xmas she was meant to spend the day with us. However she only met us for an hour because she had to go meet her ex.
She asked my sis what she wanted for xmas, said she'd bought the present - and then when my sis gave her hers she had nothing for her. I brought my sister up for the most part and we're very close, she's been let down alot in her life and little things like that really affect her. It really upset me.

Now shes mad at me for not being there for her!! Its unbelievable - I've always been there for her. If I ask her on nights out she always bails at the last minute. But I always ask her. I didn't tell her about fri night cz caz-lou got the tickets - and she went mad saying I was going out without her etc. She wouldn't have even wanted to go if I did ask her! Sure my friends don't even rely on her being out now, and alot of them don't even know her!

She asked me to call round to her sat - I asked her to meet me in town cz I had a few things to do, or said she was welcome to call round to mine. She then said I'm a lousy friend and I don't care how she's feeling!

Sent me a barrage of emails this morning telling me its not all about me and that strangers have been there for her more than me. It really hurts that she thinks that, its not true! I even invited the girl to spend xmas with me and my auntie!!

Now she says we're just too different to be friends.

She gone ape **** like this before and come back and apologised a week later but I don't know if thats going to fix it this time. I'm so sick of all the drama.

I just don't know what to do.

Clare Bear

Ah G, you don't deserve that. It sounds like you're being a really good friend to her and she's just throwing it back in your face. She's being completely unreasonable so don't blame yourself for any of this.

I don't have any advice to give you in this situation because ye're best friends and it all sounds very complicated but I will say this, I've lost friends in the past through their fault, my fault or no one's fault....just that people can change....sometimes you just wake up and think do I really need all this hassle in my life and do I really want to be friends with this person anymore, even if in the past ye were the best of mates things can change.

I know it's horrible for you and no one wants to lose their best mate but maybe for now leave her to cool off for a while and see if she does come crawling back when she's calmed down....but talk it over with her, make her see that she can't treat you like that. She's being very selfish.

Don't let it get to you too much, it sounds like it's all give and take at the moment and what kind of friendship is that? I hope ye can work things out, no girl wants to lose her best pal but at the same time do you really want a best mate that treats you like that? xxx

Karen_*

Maybe just distance yourself from her for a while and see does the friendship weather it? You really don't need her wrecking your head like this. Put more time into your other friendships and surround yourself with people who make you happy. it sounds like she's a bit all over the place and probably that bloke and sleeping with him isn't helping. Friendship is a two way thing and it sounds like you're doing all the giving. Put yourself first.

Babette08

Aww sorry to hear you're in such a messy situation. It is very complicated. I think you've both been through alot by the sounds of it and sometimes that can end up being a bit unhealthy. She seems to be very insecure and is prob feeling pretty crap about herself and in a funny way because you are the closest to her your at the receiving end of it.

My feeling is that, having had no one growing up, you've been the only one there for her so she's testing you're friendship. You having separate interests / friends has prob left her feeling a little threatened. All of this is not fair on you and sometimes you really do need to put yourself first hon. I'd tell her that you love her to bits but you won't put up with her behaviour - have a little break to let her get her head sorted and see how it pans out. Yeah friendships can run their course - I've had plenty do that - but some are worth saving, she's prob just going through a hard time at the mo - here's hoping

G86

Thanks girls, its just got me a wee bit down

When we are getting on we are so close people think we're sisters. But lately things have just gone downhill.

I think shes mad at me too for asking for money back that I loaned her last month - but the thing is I really do need it, otherwise I wouldn't ask.

G86

Ok, I've calmed the head now. Just had a banging headache earlier too and wasn't in the mood to be arguing! I'm just going to let it blow over.

Cheers chicks:)

I'm quite worried about you now.
Maybe I'm reading too much into it but she comes across like a domineering control freak.

G86

crap, no shes really not.

She really has been a good friend to me in the past and anyone would tell you she's a lovely girl. And we used to have loads of fun together heading out at weekends etc. But now all she seems to do is worry, and no matter what I say or do it doesn't help. And generally when she's stressed she takes it out on me cause she knows I understand - but its just too much now and its not fair.

I'm usually quite outspoken and I'm generally chatty and confident around people and I can be a wee bit stubborn, but with her she's so stubborn that I have to cave in all the time! Its just all getting to me For example the last night we went out I was chatting to a male friend from work - and she came over and started dancing around him to get his attention. Now the girl is gorgeous, but its just since her boyf broke up with her she's lost all her confidence, and I don't know how to help. I just want things to go back the way they were

Clare Bear

Ah it sounds like the poor girl really isn't a good place at the moment G....but at the same time she can't be causing you all this stress either, it's not fair.

You two need to sit down and have a good chat and don't stand down from her if she starts having a go, get your point across and make sure she listens.

We're not against your friend here at all but at the same time from outsider's points of view the way she is treating you isn't fair and ye need to sort it out. You're her best friend, you know her better than anyone. Ye definitely need to have a long talk. It's about whether she wants to listen or not though. Don't let it get you down, even if you do lose her as a friend (I'm sure you won't and you will get things sorted) you have plenty of great friends that love you lots I know so don't let this stress you out too much.

Things will sort themselves out don't worry, she's just going through a rough patch and is taking it out on the person closest to her. We've all done it. Hope you get things sorted soon hun x

She assumed you were chatting him up? :eek:

I think you need to have a row the next time she does something, let her know that your not her personal punching bag, and she need to find another outlet to relieve her stress and insecurity.

G86

thats the thing - I'm not a doormat - its just not me!!! But I just can't get a word in edgeways with her recently and sometimes its easier to just say nothing, yknow?

I'm just going to leave her cool down and then when she comes to apologise I'll make sure she knows it wasn't ok.

Clare Bear

G86 wrote: »

thats the thing - I'm not a doormat - its just not me!!! But I just can't get a word in edgeways with her recently and sometimes its easier to just say nothing, yknow?

I'm just going to leave her cool down and then when she comes to apologise I'll make sure she knows it wasn't ok.

Yeah that sounds like the best way to deal with it really. Just make sure she really knows the score, she can't treat you like that. Good luck with it x

+1 best of luck.

G86

thanks

theres nothing like a bit of girlie advice.x

Cazlou

Just when you say about the barrage of emails.. reminds me of a former friend of mine

This is going back a few years alright, was out with said friend (we'll call her 'X'), my sis (Y) and her housemate (Z).

We were in our local club, dancing away, X was pretty hammered and kinda wobbled into Y's cigarette, then turns looks her up and down and f*cks her drink over her!!:eek: It was her own bloody fault she fell into the smoke!!lol

So anyway, Y, Z and me head to the ladies to clean Y up, When we come back out X has disappeared.

Next day at work I get an email saying "some friend you are, you didn't come looking for me blah blah"

I replied politely saying, "in all fairness you threw a drink over my sis for something that wasn't her fault and then disappeared, you never even apologised and just legged it"
*I should point out that she lived 5 mins from the club so I knew she'd have gone home and would be safe*

The next I heard was a mail from the webmaster-dude for the company saying "An email sent to you from X was intercepted and held due to explicit and vulgar content":eek:

I nearly wet myself!!! It was then I realised I was best rid!!:rolleyes:

Babette08

hey G hope your feeling better today:). Sorry i read your post wrong - thought yee grew up together .

I think the best thing to do is draft up a long e-mail - spend the day thinking about it if u need to...be honest about everything you've been feeling and how you want to have some space as you don't want to fall out over it. I know personally it's very hard to get your point across face to face especially when it seems she's on the defensive the whole time. You might be surprised by her reaction. Yeah we've all had to part ways with friends over the years but I think when it's your best friend it's a lot harder to let go. Hopefully it doesn't come to that. Good luck

G86

To be honest I just don't care anymore.(ok well I do but thats not the point) I tried emailing her to tell her how I felt about it all and I got a really hateful reply.

Thats it as far as I'm concerned, I tried my best and shes thrown it back in my face. She's going to miss me a whole lot more than I'll miss her and by the time she realises that maybe it'll just be too late.

Babette08

well there you have it...you've done your best and she's thrown it back in your face. Very childish. There's nothing else you can do. She has a lot of groveling to do :rolleyes:

Pyjamarama

I think we've all had friends like this that just make you want to bang your head against a wall sometimes or a lot of the time! I had two friends similar to this, one I'm still friends with and one I'm not. You have to cut your losses sometimes when you get nothing back but grief. I stopped bothering contacting both of them and the one who put the effort in I'm still friends with and we get on better than we have in years. The other makes half-hearted attempts once every 6 months or so but it's just not worth it to get dragged back into a friendship that's just a big bundle of negativity. I hate being made feel like a walkover when I'm not but this one friend did tend to make me feel like that so I get where your coming from.

The balls in her court now and she's gona have to make it up to you. Go have fun with some less high maintenance friends!

G86

I'm doing that - and I've met some great girls on here too

High maintenece is a word that gets thrown in her direction alot... we're a bit different that way. I mean I love taking time to get ready to go out - thats all the fun in it! But if she doesn't have enough time (aka 3 hours) to get ready or if she can't put on fake tan then she'll either get stressed and not go out or else be in bad form all night. Its partly why I'd given up on getting her to come out to be honest. But i can't say that to her or it'll start world war 3.

She said herself yesterday that I was 'no big loss' to her. So shes made her bed now.

LouOB

Sorry but this sounds exactly like a person I knew - person turned into somebody else. Cut all ties for now - you dont deserve to be treated that way and then accept it.

misswex

Yeah I think we have all gone through this at some stage in our lives. It happend to me with 2 separate friends and its such a horrible thing to go through. Still think about them every now and again and wish that we could be friends but you can't let people treat you like crap and its their loss at the end of the day.

I do hope that your friend realises that even though she is going through her own problems that she shouldn't have treated her best mate like that and apologises.

Best of luck.

LouOB

sorry to hear misswex - happened to me, likewise with two friends
Now i keep all friends seperate i.e. work, out-side work, former work friends. You can know somebdoy for years and never see their true colours - but when they reveal them and they always do. My best advise is to re-assess your friendship or contact with that person.
There is enough crap in life without your friends crapping on you too. Took me along while to repect myself enough to know that Im better off without people like that in my life.

Pyjamarama

G86 wrote: »

She said herself yesterday that I was 'no big loss' to her. So shes made her bed now.

It's strange cos that is the general reaction off these type of friends when you know it is a much bigger loss for them then it is for you as they've managed to push the vast majority of their other friends away with exactly this behaviour :rolleyes:

mollybird

G seems me and you have the same prob. im going through the same with a good friend of mine. when i had man trouble before my other best mate said nicely she didn't want to hear about it anymore as i kept going back to the looser. now my mate is doingthe same and she freaked that i didnt' want to hear about it anymore as i had to concentrate on my studies. she thought i was being a bad friend. she coudn't understand that all my mates get the back door when im trying to study for exams as im not very achedemic.