Oz humour

Capt'n Midnight

A few years ago, two Aussies boarded a flight out of London after the Rugby World Cup.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Kiwi got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Aussies .

After take-off, the Kiwi kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Aussie in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."

“No problem," said the Kiwi , "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Aussies picked up the Kiwi 's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Aussie said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Kiwi obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Aussie picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Kiwi returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Kiwi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"








An Australian Love Poem


Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get
No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now fcuk up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer!




A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?"

"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.

The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?"

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."







Two men fishing on a river bank in a remote area of New Zealand on a Sunday evening miles away from a radio or TV.

Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "The All Blacks have lost again".

The other man was astonished and said "How on earth do you know that?"

The other man replied "It's quarter past 8."




The Australian coach, Eddie Jones, received a phone call from his New Zealand counterpart after the All Blacks lost the last game against Australia in Dunedin.
He wanted to know what training methods the Aussies use to be the "world beaters" that they are.

Eddie Jones said: "Oh, that's no secret, I'll tell you! We take 15 40 gallon drums, paint them black, and train against them."

The All Black coach then decided to do the same. They will only have to paint them Gold and Green.

A week later, he phoned Eddie back and said: "Eddie, I have used your secret training method, but I need help, ... the drums are winning 15-0."

Capt'n Midnight

Basic Guide to Aussie Life

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is a darn sight worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!

Capt'n Midnight

The wheelie bin joke
Scene: Everleigh st Redfern:
Cast :Garbo to Jacky.

Garbe: Say Jacky wheres yu bin
Kacky: I've bin sick
Garbo: no! no! Where's your wheelie bin
Jacky: I've bin in gaol

Capt'n Midnight

A motorist was driving quietly along the road when, suddenly, his eyes goggled as, believe it or not, he espied a three-legged chook running beside him. It suddenly made a right hand turn, heading up a side track towards a nearby farm house. Intrigued, the motorist decided to follow the chook. At the end of the track, he met a farmer leaning on a gate.

The motorist said, "You probably won’t believe this, but I reckon I saw a three-legged chook running this way."

The farmer was nonchalant in response. "Yep, we breed them here."

"But why?" asked the motorist.

"Well, you see, I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, and me son likes a leg."

"And what do they taste like?"

"Dunno", replied the farmer, "No one can catch the little bastards."

Capt'n Midnight

A Kiwi, who was holidaying from NZ on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious", says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Kiwi hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So Kiwi went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS" said the lifeguard, "Mate... the potato goes in front!"

Capt'n Midnight

HOW TO SPIK NEW ZEALANDER (or Kiwese)

FOR BIST EFFICT .......? RID THESE OUT LOUD!

Milburn - Capital of Victoria
Pissed aside - Chemical to kill insects
Pug - What bacon comes from
Miss Kara - Eye make up
Mere - Mayor
Lift - Departed
Ken's - Carins
Jumbo - Pet name for Jim
Inner me - Enemy
Fush - Marine creature from the ocean
Ever Cardeau - Avacado
Ear - Mix of Nitrogen and oxygen
Amejen - Visualise
Day old chuck - Very young poultry
Bun Button - Been bitten by insect
Chully bin - An esky
Ear Noo Zulland - An extinct airline
Veerjun - Mythical New Zealand virgin
Brudge - Structure spanning a river
Tin - One more than nine
Earplane - A large flying machine
Sivven Sucks Sivven - A Boeing Aircraft
Pits - Domestic animals
Munce - Usually served on toast
Peck - To put clothes in a suitcase
Pigs - For hanging out the washing
Nin tin dough - A computer game
Min - Male of the species
McKennonk - Person who repairs cars
Leather - Foam produced from soap
Kiri Pecker - Well known businessman
Kittle Crusps - Potato chips.
Jungle Bills - A Christmas carol
Guess - A vapour
Fitter Cheney - Type of pasta
Fear Hear - Blonde
Duffy Cult - Not easy
Ear Roebucks - Exercise at the gym
Bug Hut - Very popular recording
Beard - A thing you sleep in
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Beers - A large animal in US forests
One doze - Common computed programme
Sex - One less than seven
Leggs Ecktly - Precisely
Cuds - Children
Sivven For Sevven - Larger Boeing
Cuttin - Small cat
Beggage Chucken - A place to leave your luggage at the airport.

Capt'n Midnight

The telephone conversation goes...
"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, maaaaaate!!!!"

Capt'n Midnight

Three Aussies - Steve, Bruce and Bluey - were working on a high-rise building project.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says: "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey said: "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he came back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce said: "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replied.
"That's unbelievable - you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey said. "When she answered the door, I said to her: 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said: "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said: "I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are."




True Australian Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.

They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce - here's the fcuking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

Capt'n Midnight

Here is a new visa application and citizenship test from the Australian
Government to protect the nation from terrorists.

Australian Citizenship Test...

Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs
Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship
You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.
True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean
a) "Yes and no"
b) "Maybe"
c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?
a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages
a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
a) Drinking beer at a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:
a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:
a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?
a) 1993
b) 1997
c) 2001
d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:
a) Red Back Spider
b) Great White Shark
c) Victorian Police Officer
d) King Brown Snake
e) Your missus after a big night
f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:
a) When the cricket's on
b) When the cricket's on
c) When the cricket’s on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:
a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

Your Score ………….
For Office use only.
ٱ In
ٱ Out
ٱ Can have another crack at it








The original Australian Mud Map:





"What do you say to a Aussie bloke with a be-yooooood-i-ful woman on his arm?
Answer: 'Hey, nice tattoo'."



Eddie Jones takes the Wallabies out for training and tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion

Capt'n Midnight

Aussie Computer Glossary

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing end's up when the pegs aren't strong enough

Capt'n Midnight

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey"

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv't to cut off 't yer balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bast*rds wanted to take my test tuckets off me!"

Capt'n Midnight

Rules of Etiquette in Aussie land

ETIQUETTE

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude
to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.


DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first
date.


THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after
the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests
have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in
your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out
of place)

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the
occasion.

4. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a
cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's
loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar
doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Capt'n Midnight

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kim Beazley. They're asking for a $300 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About three litres."





Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging
through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He
rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the
entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
sea turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the
two men considered their circumstances.
Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

Hagar

I must apologise, Capt'n 5 starts is the max the system will let me give you.

Brilliant Jokes. :D:D:D:D

Capt'n Midnight

A man in Brisbane calls his son in Adelaide two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Gees Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says, "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Darwin and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Brisbane immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"It's Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

Capt'n Midnight

Richard Branson has offered to sponsor the England Cricket Team, however The Committee at Lords have refused saying ’’we can't have Virgin on our shirts when we're getting f*cked in every match’’.



From bash.org
<_kr4m3r> so many f*cking criminals, its búll****
<foniks`> heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
<foniks`> and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
<foniks`> whatd u think they'd say?
<FoSZoR[bg]> something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"






SYDNEY (AP):

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a Parramatta, NSW courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.





A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo.

A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”







The Ashes

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will comefrom.






An Aussie and a Kiwi are talking one afternoon over a
cold beer.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to
your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got
pregnant and had a baby, Would that make us related?"

The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would
make us even."






A bloke has a car crash into the back of a dwarfs car. There seems to be lots of damage. The dwarf gets out and seeing the damage says, "I'm not happy". The bloke says back to him, "well which one are ya then?"

kittenkiller

You're a prince among men Cap!

Rabies

As an Irish guy living in Kiwi land it made me smile.


/throws stars

Crumble Froo

ditto^

(except i'm female)...

though i do disagree with the "Kittle Crusps - Potato chips." they don't call them crisps. it is a constant bone of contention cos we're constantly misunderstanding each other.

Capt'n Midnight

Australian Citizenship Test

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?
_____________________________ ______

2. What is a bloody little beauty?
_____________________________ ______

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
_____________________________ ______

4. Explain the following passage:
"In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
_____________________________ _____

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
___________________________

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother .......
b) You're going home in the back of a .........
c) Fair crack of the...........
_____________________________ ____

7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
_____________________________ _____

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
_____________________________ _____

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
_____________________________ _____

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
_____________________________ _____

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
_____________________________ _____

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
_____________________________ _____

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
_____________________________ _____

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
_____________________________ _____
15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
_____________________________ _____

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
_____________________________ _____

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
_____________________________ ____

18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
_____________________________ _____

19. Who would you like to crack on to?
_____________________________ _____

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
_____________________________ _____

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
_____________________________ ____

22. What does sinkin piss at a mate’s joint and gettin paralised mean?
_____________________________ ____

You may copy your mate’s answers, please submit this back to me when you have had a fair old crack.

The pass rate is 45%

Capt'n Midnight

Questions asked to the Australian tourist board.

Q: Can I pick up my camper van in Auckland and drop it off in Darwin?(Belgium)
A: Sure, take a ferry, change the registration plates from New Zealand to Australian, and find a way to calm down the people you rented it from when they hear where their vehicle has ended up.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.