Natal Curry Contest

Dizzyblonde

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.


Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted'.


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.





CURRY #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from
all the beer.




CURRY # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli
an aphrodisiac?


CURRY # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILLI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to s**t myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen - that kinky bitch seems to be enjoying this.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.




CURRY # 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this
stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a f'*&_g thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CURRY # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

Splinter

hehehehe thanks

Baudelaire

Excellent :D

rocky25

Homer

35. Poppadum Preach - Madonna

34. Korma Chameleon - Culture Club

33. Bhaji Trousers - Madness

32. King Prawn Massala Drinks Are Free - Wham

31. Dansak Queen - Abba

30. Korma People - Pulp

29. Tikka Chance On Me - Abba

28. When I Phall in Love - Nat King Cole

27. You Can't Curry Love - Diana Ross and the Supremes

26. Korma Police - Radiohead

25. Things Can Only Get Bhuna - D:Ream

24. Tears On My Pilau - Kylie Minogue

23. It's Bhuna Hard Days Night - The Beatles

22. Brothers in Naans - Dire Straits

21. Girlfriend in a Korma - The Smiths

20. Pilau Talk - Doris Day

19. It's My Chapati and I Cry If I Want To ? - Dave Stewart/Barbara Gaskin

18. I'm a Bhaji Girl - Aqua

17. Sag Aloo - Black lace

16. Take That and Chapati - Take That

15. Bhuna Round The World and I Can't Find My Bhaji ? - Lisa Stansfield

14. I Don't Want To Dansak - Eddie Grant

13. Dansak on the Ceiling - Lionel Richie

12. We Are Jalfrezi - Sister Sledge

11. Vindaloo - Abba

10. I Don't Want to Go to Chutney ? Elvis Costello

9. Rice Rice Baby - Vanilla Rice

8. Jalfrezi Jalfrezi Nights - Kiss

7. Tandoori Deliver - Adam and the Ants

6. Love me Tandoor - Elvis Presley

5. We Don't Have to Tikka Clothes Off ? Jermaine Jackson

4. Bye Bye Balti - Bay City Rollers

3. Bhuna to be Wild - Steppenwolf

2. Livin' Dhal - Cliff Richard

1. Raita Here, Raita Now - Fatboy Slim

MarkR

Very good. I'm wiping my eyes here after trying to stifle sniggers here for the last few minutes in work.

xzanti

MarkR wrote: »

Very good. I'm wiping my eyes here after trying to stifle sniggers here for the last few minutes in work.

Heh snap

mickrourke

Curry songs

How about

Phil Collins - You can't curry gloves
Wham - I'm your Nan
That internet one - Bhaji, Bhaji, Bhaji, Bhaji, mushroom, mushroom
Lionel Ritchie - Aloo, Is it me your looking for?


this could go on for a while