Reunion Experiences: Adoptees

Ostrom

Meeting birth mother for the first time in 1 month, anyone been through it? Care to share your experiences?

holly_johnson

I remember the first time I met my birth mother I was petrified. What were we going to talk about? Did I look like her? Would she like me? Did she know anything about my birth father? Lots of questions were rattling around my head.

I knew that conversation might have been awkward, after all, we were virtual strangers, so I made up a kind of photo album of my life so far, baby pictures, communion etc. That way if the conversation got a bit difficult, I could whip this out and we'd have something to talk about.

I was glad I did, as after the initial hellos etc it was a bit hard to think of anything to say.
Maybe you could do something like this?

Ostrom

I am doing something similar, we have had some correspondence (photos and letters), so I have come to know quite a bit about her over the years. It has been upsetting me a bit lately, I'm not sure why exactly, my parents have been very open to the possibility of reunion since I was young, and support this fully. I suppose I'm worried (selfishly I think) about not feeling better after the meeting.

My more specific questions would be was it positive, and if so how did you manage, or even define your relationship with birth mother/extended family afterwards?

holly_johnson

efla wrote: »

My more specific questions would be was it positive, and if so how did you manage, or even define your relationship with birth mother/extended family afterwards?

I found the fist meeting quite positive. It was hard to know how I felt afterwards really, I suppose I was a bit stunned, but overall I was glad that I had finally met her.
As time went by we didn't really get along and haven't had contact for a few years now, but I suppose I defined my relationship with her as one of "just friends" as that was how I felt most comfortable. I certainly didn't see her as any kind of a maternal figure in my life.
Things got a bit difficult with my adopted mother for a little while but that was because she felt very insecure and was afraid I was going to leave her for my "real" mother, which was never on the cards. Once she got over that, things were and are just as they had always been.

neilled

I was adopted from overseas at about 13 months in northern ireland. I was in touch with my mother through letters throughout my childhood and met her for the first time in the country of my birth. Suffice to say I don't speak the lingo and we had to have a translator. I have remained in contact since and am using skype to communicate, though with the time difference things can be hard. Meeting was hard to describe, i didn't know what to expect. She wanted me to know what I always did - she didn't want to give me away but circumstances compelled her to and she's felt tremendously guilty about it since. I think she also secretly hoped I'd come back, learn the language and marry a local girl but she said its grand if i marry an irish one!

Anyway I found it beneficial.

Drop a pm if you want to elaborate a bit more.

kathy finn

hi, i never got to meet my birthmother as she died very young, but i am in contact with my birthfather my halfbrother and aunts uncles and cousins.
i have found the experience quite hard at times,but i keep making the effort to stay in touch, the only thing is it seems to be me making all the phone calls etc, sometimes i feel is it all worth the effort, but it was me who wanted contact in the first place

Maryan

I've met my birth-mother, after we had exchanged letters and had talked on the phone. We met only for an hour or so and it was difficult at first, like walking on egg-shells.

We met several times since then and we visited each other. I stayed several days in her place. The last time I saw her, was in 2005.

Like in your case, Kathy, it's me who has to keep up the contact most of the time and lately we have nearly lost the connection because she hasn't been responsive anymore, although I really tried to talk to her and I also sent a letter. I am about to give up on her.

Darcy Dougal

I met my birth mother about 6 years ago and we have been in contact since then. I see her about 3 or 4 times a year and I invited her to my wedding last year, as a guest and nothing more,as my parents who adopted me were the importants ones to me on the day. It is my birth mother who keeps all the contact up and I have to admit sometimes I feel like she's crowding me and trying to get too close. I do feel like another poster said that she is just another friend and no-one can replace my Mam and Dad who raised me.
Has anyone else felt a bit like this?

northdubgal

I met my birth mother around 10 years ago. I was young and very very nervous. She was incredibly quiet but when I look back she was extremely pushy and over crowding - wanting me to meet her 3 children and come stay with her for a while.

It was me that got in touch with her but she was really annoyed that she wasnt given pictures and updates as I was growing up as she requested. My mam would have had no problem giving her these if she had of known as she is also adopted but my BM kinda put my mam down which sent alarm bells ringing..

We met two more times since that and each time has been really uncomfortable, as she doesnt talk.. just sits and looks... I know it must of been really hard for her but ffs talk woman is all I wanted to say!!

Anyways, I get to meet my birth father soon and I am hoping that this goes well.. I iniatiated the meeting but he said he was glad I got in touch..

Birth Mother always put him down in any of the 5 sentences that she actually spoke!! (i'm not bitter, just disappointed on how unresponsive someone could be who is supposed to eager to get to know the person they gave up all those years ago but expects a loving relationship at the same time!)

So, any tips on how to keep the conversation going when I meet him? I dont plan on making up a photobook, dont think he would be in to that but we will be going for dinner, me and my partner and him and his partner...

kathy finn

hi northdubgirl,
i have been in contact with my birthfather for about a year and a half now, we meet up every so often and speak on the phone once a week.
i am sure you will get on great with your father if you go into the reunion with no expectations, me and my birthdad are two very different people and i don,t agree with some of his life choices but that not for me to judge.
maybe your birthmother is just a quiet person and if so you will just have to either accept that or not just because we make the first move does,nt mean we have to keep up contact.
good luck in your reunion with your birthfather...kathy

digiology

Mine turned out to be my school teach so I met my birthmother a little early :rolleyes: Wasn't too wierd luckily.

madamab

Hi I met my bilogical mother some 15 years ago. It was a daunting experience and we talked for some 8 hours. It was different for her she explained, she had a memory of me but I had none of her. She told me stories of when she had given birth to me in the home where she had been brought to which was run by the nuns. She told me the day she went to feed me and I was no in my cot and when she ran around looking for me she was told by the nuns that I was gone and had been adopted. There were no legal documents then. She had to write a letter to the reverend mother saying Please Reverend Mother can you have my baby adopted. That was it. After watching some of the programs like Sinners I could really relate to what she had told me.

Anyway I didnt see her for a year after that first meeting, I felt I needed to step back and absorb everything. Our few meetings were much the same. They would be quite far apart. The last time I tried to contact her she never returned my call and the the following year I heard she died. I then met my half sisters which was a lovely experience except it was very head on. They wanted to own and posess me and I felt that I was like a replacement for their losing their Mother. They were pushing me to introduce them to my family etc etc and in the end I fell out with them and I feel the whole thing was way too fast and had I put my foot down and developed things more slowly it would have worked better.

m28

hello, I'm only new to the site. Alot of these messages are old enough. Do people stay up to date?

The_Conductor

m28 wrote: »

hello, I'm only new to the site. Alot of these messages are old enough. Do people stay up to date?

People do check in from time to time.
I'd also suggest you subscribe to the Adoption Ireland Yahoo mailing list- link here

We do have a few regular posters- along with a lot of browsers. Despite the relative anonymity of the internet, quite a few people are very sensitive about posting of their personal experiences. I'm in the process of organising anonymous posting for this forum at the moment- which may help in this regard.

Kind regards,

Shane

lynsalot

Hi guys
I met my birth mother when I was 18 and it sounds like the typical normal awkward irish adoptee/bmother meeting. That was 7 years ago. Think I was too young to be honest.

She was upset at first and I just felt weird. We were buddies for a while... I mean we socialised together she would go out quite a bit and well I was 18 so it was good but it didn't last.

At the moment it's at the stage where i've spent 2/3 years getting one or two text msgs a year, particularly the one on my birthday 24/02 but it's like other than that she doesn't want to know. I wanted to find my birth father and wrote to the adoption agency but they've since written back to say due to recession they don't the resources anymore. I was speaking with my birth mother about it - she rang me (First conversation in 3 years) and she was acting like we were best friends. Then I didn't hear from her since. So I got the annual text there last tues and I've decided to ignore it. My story is very long - too long for this hour of the night but it's just hassle i don't need anymore. it was hard hard work with her. The whole experience affected her more than me - I didn't see her as a mother or significant figure in my life... more of a friend, and a close friend at one stage. But it's broken my heart and I just can't give her anymore of my energy

I hope someone can relate to this - most of the adoption sites are american ones and the whole experience seems a lot different. I never felt empty or like i was missing out. My parents are my parents and I never felt like an outsider or anything.

Anyways I'd love to hear some replies particularly if anyone has had similar experiences. Thanks

conti

I just wrote my experience up in the personal issues section, didn't see this thread before now. here's a link, it's the last one on the page.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055460437


Edit: sorry, just copped this thread is for adoptees

The_Conductor

conti wrote: »

I just wrote my experience up in the personal issues section, didn't see this thread before now. here's a link, it's the last one on the page.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055460437


Edit: sorry, just copped this thread is for adoptees

Conti- you're more than welcome here- I just read your post in PI, its moving.

With kind regards,

Shane

kathy finn

hi conti,
im sure u and your sister will get on great, i am intouch with my birthbrother 2 years now and even though i have only met him once we talk on the phone every week he,s living in austraila.
my birthmother had him 17 months after giving me up for adoption, i never met my birthmother as she died quite young but i am intouch with my birthfather.
i found it easier to talk with my birthbrother maybe because there is no history their, he never knew about me and my adoption had nothing to do with him.
just let your sister set the pace and im sure everything will be ok....kathy.

thegen

Hi all,

Have not posted here before.

I am meeting my BM after Easter.

Q: How do you greet first time? Is it a handshake or a hug/embrace. At present I'm not sure just terrified of the meeting. I initiated it and now fell afraid. My BM has not told any of her siblings of me and I doubt if she ever will.

She wants to meet my wife and kids. Not sure how I feel about the one way traffic.

Any thoughts.

holly_johnson

Hi,

I agree with being wary of introducing her to your wife and kids yet. Tbh, I think you should meet her on your own for the first few times at least and get to know her yourself before thinking of families on either side.

I'm trying to remember how I greeted my birth mother the first time I met her, I don't think there was any hug or handshake, it was all a bit awkward really. I think I may have smiled and kind of waved! It's difficult to immediately greet someone you've never met as if you're meant to have some kind of relationship. I guess a handshake would probably be the best option.

Best of luck!

kathy finn

hi thegan,
there are no set of rules, just go with what your comfortable with, i agree with meeting on your own for the first time.
have you exchanged letters with your birthmum yet it can help, they don,t seem so much like a stranger.
when i met my birthfather and my birthmothers sisters i brought along lots of photos it helps to keep the conversation going.
good luck with your reunion and just be yourself.......kathy

Maryan

Hello thegan,

the first meeting with my birth mother was pretty awkward. We met on a central train station and spent an hour or so in a café. There wasn't a shake hands, but she's French, so she hugged me when we parted. We were complete strangers, although we had been speaking on the phone before our meeting.

She hadn't told my siblings as well and like you, I didn't expect it, but one day she did. From the very beginning I had the impression that she wanted to define the "rules" of our relationship and I abode by them, although it hurt very often.

So, I agree with the others that you should meet her alone and a one way traffic is probably pretty unsatisfactory for you. It was for me.

MaryMagdalene

Funny you should ask that, I was wondering the very same - to hug or not!

My daughter and I are currently exchanging letters and whenever I think ahead of acutally meeting I always feel the urge to give her a hug and the more we exchange correspondance the stronger it gets. Of course I don't want to frighten the poor girl off either as to her I guess I am a stranger.

I do wonder do the mothers feel more of a bond - having carried you for 9 months and then the birth and then (as in my case as some Mothers were not allowed - I looked after her in hospital and showered her with hugs and kisses during that time). I also kept in contact with the Agency throughout and got intermittent updates and photo's from her adoptive parents so I have always had a small bit of visability of her personality.

Maybe its me but the thought of just a hand shake seems so ...... cold. I would go with instinct - if you feel a hug coming on go for it but if you don't then don't.

On the one way traffic - give her time. It takes a huge amount of time to get your head around it. My family know about my daughter but I haven't told them of our reunion. Why? I want to keep her to myself for a while just to allow myself and her to establish our relationship before I allow them to get involved. I simply don't want anyone's opinion (except my husband who knows) on any of it. My emotions at the moment are all over the place and then to have family asking questions / giving advice etc simply would be too much.

Good luck with your reunion and please let us all know how you got on and, of course - did you hug or not!!!!

jocmilt

I suppose when you have years to imagine what it will be like you add a lot of 'stuff' to the experience. Best just meet and not judge or analyse for a long time. Easier said than done but you already know your mother even if you never met. Apologies if this is trite. That's what happens when I try to be wise!

midleton41

I am also new to this site. Am writing as a birth aunt if that is a term at all. My sister has recently been contacted to say that the daughter that she gave up for adoption in what was a totally different Ireland 28 years ago would like to make contact, it is a day that we all hoped for. Contact was initiated by Barnardos, 3 weeks have passed and nothing more. Does anybody know what will happen next and when? The waiting is hard we so wont overcrowd her but wonder if she has changed her mind, is it normal to not hear anything for 3 weeks

madamab

No I wouldnt say she has changed her mind at all. From the time I enquired about meeting my Mother there was a number of weeks when nothing happened. Then there was an exchange of photos , me and my children and of her and her children /grandchildren. Then there was a few weeks of talking with the social worker before the meeting took place. I think this is correct now in hindsight. I too was impatient to meet my Mother but it is such a huge thing that truly it is best to take the time and digest all the info before it goes ahead for both parties involved.

The very best of luck to you and yours x

The_Conductor

I'd echo what madamab has said- if your niece has gone through the agency- it could very well take them quite some time to forward correspondence, or organise to meet with your sister or your niece. The agencies like to have a 'hands-on' approach, but are chronically understaffed- so its not unusual for them to be juggling several cases assigning 'priority' to what they consider to be urgent cases. Its really not fair- they are playing with people's lives.......

kathy finn

hi,
it really depends on your social worker and the agency.
i met my maternal aunts pretty quick after finding out my birthmother was dead, but it took longer to meet my birthfather we exchanged letters and photos first.
why does,nt your sister ring the social worker and ask her what is the next step is ,it,s easier when u know whats coming.
good luck to u all....kathy

NeatFreak_

I met my birth mother in '86 2 days before my 21st. It was an emotional meeting. My mum came with me but didn't want to go in with me, she felt it wasn't her place. My bm told me she had 3 children.

I didn't feel a bond with my bm at all. We wrote regularly (every 3 months or so) and the next time I saw her was in '92. At that time I met 2 of my 3 biological half-siblings, the 2 boys. They are 9 and 8 years younger than me and the girl is 10 years younger, she was living abroad at the time.. I met another woman there too, my bm told me that she was her daughter, she's 10 years older than me. I was surprised but delighted!

I kept in contact with them same as before, meeting them all again in '96 introducing my husband to them, met them in '01 with our son. He was 18 months old.

My biological half-brother was getting married in Feb '04 and we were invited to the wedding. My bm asked me not to bring my son as no children were going and "he's a bit hyper anyway"! I was disgusted, how DARE she say that to me? We didn't bother going to the wedding, we went to Walt Disney World in Florida instead and we had a wonderful time. I would have met my half-sister at the wedding but that couldn't be helped. I since found out that children had been invited to the wedding - she just lied to me.

I stopped writing to her, I had come to realise that I didn't want to continue the relationship. I had 2 parents that I loved and loved me back, I wasn't looking for another mother. I just wanted to know my story.

My half-sister came home from the US 2 years ago and her mother turned against her and made her sister and 2 brothers to the same. She was horrible to her. She died last February and I didn't go to the funeral. I felt nothing, I hadn't seen her in over 6 years and we had lost contact.

I wish I hadn't met her. It's the one regret of my life. But these things happen.