Things Peter Parker is Not Allowed to Do

. I am not allowed to mope, angst, or otherwise hang around That Bridge. Instead, I am to do something constructive with my free time.
1a. Constructive means spending time with my loving wife, Aunt May, or something similar. It does not mean making parodies of Snakes on a Plane.

2. “Felicia would let me do it” is not a valid argument.
2a. Nor is “Johnny thinks it’s a good idea.”
2b. Or "It worked on Star Trek!"
2c. Or "It worked on Stargate!"
2d. Or any of the Stargate spin-offs.

3. The portal to the Negative Zone is not a Stargate.
3a. The Fantastic Four are not SG-1.
3b. Ben Grimm is not Teal’c.
3c. Reed Richards is not Samantha Carter.

4. Even though technically she’s my wife, I am not allowed to date, kiss, hug, snuggle, or interact with with any Mary-Janes from alternate universes.
4a. Not even the evil one that wears leather and wants to make me her sex slave.

5. I am not allowed to be in the same room with Emma Frost.
5a. Unless it’s under the direct supervision of Scott Summers or Mary-Jane Watson.
5b. I am not allowed to use “but she left a post-hypnotic suggestion!” as an excuse more than once.

6. I am not allowed to get new costumes. Ever.

7. I can only dispense justice on people who are breaking the law, not Flash Thompson, J. Jonah Jameson, or anyone else I meet as Peter Parker.

8. If I'm baking something and run out of an ingredient, I am not allowed to use webbing as a substitute.
8b. Even thought it tastes like chicken.

9. If, God forbid, something should happen to Mary-Jane, I will wait a good long time before moving on, not let the new woman in my life use any of her old things, and name our first child Mary-Jane.
9a. Even if it’s a boy.
9b. If that new woman happens to be Felicia Hardy, we will only have sex for procreation, during which I will lie back and think of Mary-Jane.

10. I have the proportionate strength and speed of a spider. NOTHING ELSE.

11. I will not kill Norman Osborn. Even though he deserves it. A lot.

12. I am not to reveal my secret identity. Ever.
12a. Ever.
12b. I mean it.

13. Although supervillainesses and superheroines may wear any number of revealing outfits, I am not allowed to stare.
13a. For more than three seconds.

14. I am not allowed to make booze jokes around Tony Stark.
14a. Or arm jokes around Dr. Connors.
14b. In fact, I'm not allowed to talk ever.

15. If I am to invited to attend mass by Matt Murdock, I will not commit Mary-Jane to come along.
15a. I am not allowed to refuse invitations by saying that we're Scientologists.
15b. Or Mormons.

16. Speaking of Creationism, when Mr. Fantastic says that he created the universe, I will smile politely and nod, not gossip about it to Thor, who takes these kinds of things personally.

17. Battling undead presidents does not count as doing my civic duty and voting.
17a. Fighting undead Herbert Hoover does not make me a Democrat.
17b. Fighting undead JFK does not make me a Republican.
17c. If they team up and I fight both of them, it doesn't make me a libertarian.

18. Although from time to time I may battle Communists, I am not allowed to make esoteric Animal Farm references.

19. I am not allowed to start to give my wife a foot massage and then rush off five seconds later to battle the Red Skull. He's been around since WW2, he can wait a little longer.

20. I will call ahead when I'm going to be late for dinner, just in case Mary-Jane is planning "something special."
20a. For the same reason, I will call ahead when I'm bringing home company.
20b. Especially when said company is Felicia.
20c. Suggesting that Felicia "stay for dessert" and winking suggestively at both women is right out!

21. Mary-Jane is allowed to call me tiger because it's a nickname. Calling her "tigress" would just be stupid.

22. Every time she watches one of "my" movies, I am required to watch one of Mary-Jane's movies.
22b. Shaun of the Dead counts as both.

23. If I am cloned and that clone happens to die, I will make SURE he's dead.
23a. Very sure.
23b. Very, very sure.

24. I am not allowed near alcoholic beverages of any kind.
24a. Or more than one cup of coffee.
24b. Or large quantities of sugar.
24c. Or Mary-Jane's underwear drawer. I know why.

25. Mary-Jane's casseroles are not a secret plot by Dr. Octopus.

26. Gwen was a nice girl, but she's gone now and I have to accept that.

27. Not everyone has a spider-sense to warn them when the toilet seat is up.

28. If a supervillainess propositions me, the appropriate response is "No," not "Let me check with my wife."
28a. Even if she's a shapeshifter.

29. If I end up pissing off an alien despot who's not familiar with Earth or any of its heroes, I am not allowed to say "And if you're thirsty for more, look me up in New York! The name's Captain America!"

30. Deadpool is not funny, nor misunderstood. He is a very bad man who I should never associate with.

31. The Spider-Mobile is NOT a good idea and would NOT work like a charm if I just worked a few bugs out.
31a. Even if American Chopper offers to make me a bike
31b. Even if Chip Foose offers to make me a car.
31d. Even if Xhibit offers to trick it out.
31e. Or Unique Whips.

32. Just because Mary-Jane didn't get the part of Ulla does not mean I can "accidentally" throw a car into a theatre playing The Producers.
32a. I told you, I was throwing it at Venom!
32b. Besides, honey, you were perfect for that part...

33. It wasn't "hot lezbo porn," it was a serious artistic film and Mary-Jane needed the money.

34. Beneath this mask there is not more than flesh and there is not an idea.

35. "Gimme some sugar, baby," is not romantic.

36. If I decide to get up early on a weekend, I will let Mary-Jane sleep in while I fix her breakfast. I will not wake her up just because Sci-Fi Channel is having a Firefly marathon, even though it was a really awesome series that was cancelled way before its time.

37. Nick Fury is not Jack Bauer and I will not make jokes to that effect.

38. I am not allowed to track muddy footprints on Aunt May's ceiling. Even if she just waxed the floor.

39. I am not allowed to let my aunt marry a supervillain.

40. I am not allowed to let my aunt keep any nuclear facilities she may have inherited. (Do I really want to call my archenemy Uncle Otto?!)

41. I am not allowed to hang on the ceiling, wait til one of my family enters the room, then drop behind them and yell BOO.

42. I am not allowed to feign spider-sense alerts as an excuse to dodge people I don't like.

43. I am not allowed to make any mention of stingers having ever come out of my wrists.
43a. Though I must admit now I can understand a little better what Wolverine goes through with his claws.

44. I am not allowed let burglars get away.

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FRobbed from somewhere else, but still good.

ztoical

according to Joe Q peter parker shouldn't be allowed to marry

Fysh

Wow, that was way longer than I would have hoped. Some of them are lost on me given that I'm not hardcore about Spider-Man, but still, some good stuff in there.