Breakup changes

SarahSassy

Crumble Froo wrote: »

when i stop biting my nails, i start chewing the pads of my fingers...

Oh stop, for the first time in my life I stopped biting them last May and I really took care of them. I am so disappointed cos it was a bit of an achievement after many many years..... I hate looking at my bitten nails....

ztoical

I think the length of the relationship, the reason for the breakup and the age of those involved effects alot of how the breakup will go.

For young people [lets say 16] in their first serious relationship when it ends it can seem like the end of the world [I'm sure most people on here remember their first broken heart as much as their first kiss, unless your still with your first boyfriend that is]

When your older a relationship usually means sharing a house and bills so a breakup is a little muddier as all those issues need to be sorted and its alot harder to go and do something extreme right after the break up. The longer you are with someone the more ties you have together. My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend of 8 years - they shared an apartment and were looking at buying one. A month after breaking up his Dad died and my cousin, who had been close to his family, ended up staying with him at his parents house for over a week and helping with all the funeral arrangements. Alot of his relations didn't know they'd broken up and she didn't tell them as it wasn't the time or place.

The reasons for a break I think also effect how you react - if he cheated on you its a big kick in the gut, doesn't make you feel good about yourself and some will react by shifting some weight, getting new clothes, getting their hair done, going on a trip and doing something to general make them feel good about themselves. Not all relationships end due to one partner doing something wrong - alot of people just simply drift apart. With my last boyfriend we still got on great and loved hanging out but we were acting more and more like friends then a couple and we talked about it and figured it was best to not be together in that way anymore.

MIN2511

Good post Ztoical, my last relationship was 5 years(over a yr ago now) and at some stage we were mates...... We are still friends, he has a gf but yet i am the first person he rings when something happens. He's happy in their relationship but because we were together for so long he still tells me stuff. His mam rings me occasionally to ask how i am getting on. I still talk to his brothers e.t.c. Sometimes its weird for me and i scream and ignore him for a few weeks(he's HARD to ignore)

gollyitsolly

Kazobel wrote: »

Not really, well not in my eyes anyway because as I change they do too, I expect that some (in all fairness all tbh) will change in how they view you. Until you're the real you all relationships/friendships are subject to change. a friend that only knew me as male will standoff after they see me as a female. A friend I make as female is usually only a friend until they discover I use to be male and then stereotypes take over. I have a few that know and they don't care either way but in general it's not a good idea to make friends because you either have to lie for good or be honest and honesty usually results in a loss so I just don't make friends and it solves it all.

Edit: just noticed your sig, happy birthday to your daughter

I feel for you Kazobel, and I know what you mean when you say "until you,re the real you" In my case I wasnt the "real" me for many years. I mean in the emotion self, not the physical. I took breakups very badly. Ive shaved my head because I thought I was repulsive. Ive self harmed,Ive had really bad depression........ My confidence was always connected to my relationships. When they broke up I punished myself. Thankfully that was all a long time ago, so much so ,that it feels like another life I had.

I cant say what exactly was the turning point but now I feel real and confident and happy. I hope it comes to you soon .

little lady

Last year I cut my hair after a break-up, it was partially because he liked it long and partially cause I wanted the whole change and "new me" thing, however it totally backfired. I hated it from day one and have waited all year for ti to grow long again, secondly I was still friends with my ex at the time and he didn't like it either which made made me feel even worse.:(

From now on, if a guy breaks-up with me I'm not going to change cause I like the way I am.

I am going to the gym at the moment but that's for me, not because of or for any guy!!

King of Kings

apart from going to newcastle on an ultimate rampage when my marriage ended. can't say i ever changed anything. btw newcastle rocks.

just broke up again with gf 2 days ago - but wasn't long or serious so apart from adjusting facebook status - business as usual.

Kazobel

daiixi wrote: »

Uhh did you actually read that sentence before you posted it? All you seem to be doing is changing or "improving" yourself.

Yes I did read it, since I posted it I'd assume that was a given. Whats wrong with change and improving myself? I'm doing it for me as I said in my OP so what exactly is wrong with me changing a few things that I feel will make me happy?

daiixi wrote: »

Anyway back on topic I think women change things about themselves because a lot of the time they get complacent about the way they are and once single they actually get off their butt and get that haircut which is about a month overdue OR they change something they actually wanted to change while in the relationship but didn't because their partner would tell them "I love your beautiful long hair - don't change it!".

So basically what you're saying is that all women let themselves go once in a relationship and because of that complacency they get dumped? :rolleyes:

Kazobel

gollyitsolly wrote: »

I feel for you Kazobel, and I know what you mean when you say "until you,re the real you" In my case I wasnt the "real" me for many years. I mean in the emotion self, not the physical. I took breakups very badly. Ive shaved my head because I thought I was repulsive. Ive self harmed,Ive had really bad depression........ My confidence was always connected to my relationships. When they broke up I punished myself. Thankfully that was all a long time ago, so much so ,that it feels like another life I had.

I cant say what exactly was the turning point but now I feel real and confident and happy. I hope it comes to you soon .

Crumble Froo wrote: »

ha, i won't even mention the time i ended up in nz after a breakup ...

but, man, kazobel, that sounds rough. i couldnt imagine not having anyone to turn to who knew me. i've a lot of friends who i've made over the last 4ish years, but one who i've known since we were in first class together.

i know your circumstances or whatever are different, but it does seem very sad, and lonely that you don't have anyone you can really trust, or who knows you.:(

It's not that bad girls, it's one of the things we learn to deal with early on because all your best mates all of a sudden don't want to be around you when you "come out" so your best friend for years that use to be like a brother/sister to you all of a sudden finds you disgusting so you move on. It's not as hard losing friends after most of you're family have blanked you either, I just don't create emotional attachments anymore so when it happens I'm very dismissive of it. I was friends with them without adding conditions so why should I care if they no longer want to be friends with me because I don't fit their conditions.

ztoical

Kazobel wrote: »

Yes I did read it, since I posted it I'd assume that was a given. Whats wrong with change and improving myself? I'm doing it for me as I said in my OP so what exactly is wrong with me changing a few things that I feel will make me happy?

I think they were pointing out that you said you needed no improvements only to then say you would be getting alterations to your appearance. I assume you meant the comment to be ironic and they didn't pick up on that.

Kazobel wrote: »

So basically what you're saying is that all women let themselves go once in a relationship and because of that complacency they get dumped? :rolleyes:

where are you reading they got dumped due to letting themselves go? the poster didn't say that, they said some women tend to not make as big an effort to get dressed up while in a relationship and when out of it they make a big effort. They didn't say they're being dumped was a result of not making an effort - it might be in some cases but that wasn't said in the op.

Kazobel

ztoical wrote: »

I think they were pointing out that you said you needed no improvements only to then say you would be getting alterations to your appearance. I assume you meant the comment to be ironic and they didn't pick up on that..

My comment that was questioned was only in a joking sense as the comment I was replying to was but I'm getting use to everything I say being analysed so holes can be picked out of it.

ztoical wrote: »

where are you reading they got dumped due to letting themselves go? the poster didn't say that, they said some women tend to not make as big an effort to get dressed up while in a relationship and when out of it they make a big effort. They didn't say they're being dumped was a result of not making an effort - it might be in some cases but that wasn't said in the op.

There and there are good examples, you've just said it yourself like, you've just more or less said that the poster in question said women get into a relationship they let themselves go.

Kazobel

Kazobel wrote: »

There and there are good examples, you've just said it yourself like, you've just more or less said that the poster in question said women get into a relationship they let themselves go.

I think your being a bit overlysensitive there. I don't think he is making a generalisation about all women and it is certainly true of some.
I don't make an effort for work, because I'm in a male dominated field. I just don't want any unneccessary attention. I think people who are comfortable that their own partner finds them attract do the same thing socially.

ztoical

Kazobel wrote: »

There and there are good examples, you've just said it yourself like, you've just more or less said that the poster in question said women get into a relationship they let themselves go.

my point wasn't wither women do or don't let themselves go in relationships - some do, some don't, some only do in certain relationship - hell lots of men do it to - my comment was regarding your comment:

Kazobel wrote: »

basically what you're saying is that all women let themselves go once in a relationship and because of that complacency they get dumped?

You imply the op said they get dumped due to that complacency - the op didn't say that - they got dumped for whatever reasons people usually get dumped for and make an effort afterwards to look better for their own self worth [like alot of people have said on this thread] at no point did the op say that [a] All women let themselves go once in relationships or this resulted in their dumping - for some women it might have but the op didn't say that.

Wibbs

daiixi wrote: »

Saying that you're perfectly happy when you want to change lots of things about yourself is a bit of a contradiction.

True enough. It's a question of degree though. We all self improve and that's a good thing. It's when that becomes an obsession or when it's entirely how we define ourselves it's a bad thing.

Re the short friendships. I agree with others. That is a bit sad. I would say if they were friends and not acquaintances then they would be around for longer. I've a mate who came out to the bunch of us 15 years ago. He's still into men and we're still his mates. Don't see the problem really.

ztoical

Wibbs wrote: »

It's a question of degree though. We all self improve and that's a good thing. It's when that becomes an obsession or when it's entirely how we define ourselves it's a bad thing.

+ 1 I think change for the most part is a positive - some changes may not work out but they are still a positive as you learn from them [ie Big ass 80's style Perms do not suit me....at all!] I would worry about any friend who felt the need to drastically alter their whole appearance often - it could be a sign of an anxiety disorder [in very extreme cases something like body dysmorphic disorder]

ConfusedTLady

I did do the whole bleach job when I was about 26 and got some contacts

It wasn't so much so to be different but just to help me feel a little more comfortable.

The photos are rather amusing!

jellie

little lady wrote: »

Last year I cut my hair after a break-up, it was partially because he liked it long and partially cause I wanted the whole change and "new me" thing

i was the same, he never wanted me to cut my hair so i decided i was getting it cut! thing is i actually prefer my hair long anyway so i just went with a few inches off the end & a bit of styling.

we actually got back together a couple of months later. but he saw me shortly after i got my haircut & admitted later that id looked hot (not claiming the haircut made us get back together!)

Silverfish

Guys, I'm not messing.

Keep it on topic. Stop bitching, stop sniping. Topic is changes you make after a breakup.

Crumble Froo

Kazobel wrote: »

It's not that bad girls, it's one of the things we learn to deal with early on because all your best mates all of a sudden don't want to be around you when you "come out" so your best friend for years that use to be like a brother/sister to you all of a sudden finds you disgusting so you move on. It's not as hard losing friends after most of you're family have blanked you either, I just don't create emotional attachments anymore so when it happens I'm very dismissive of it. I was friends with them without adding conditions so why should I care if they no longer want to be friends with me because I don't fit their conditions.

i still think it is that bad. it would have to feel so so lonely ot not have true friends, and even sadder because the friends have rejected me because of who i am, and because im trying to do what i believe is right for me. there were a few issues with some of my friends wehn i announced i was moving to nz, as some thought i was absolutely nuts, and there were arguments, and hurting words, but we did work it out, and while they mightnt agree with me or my reasons for going, tehy have accepted that i am gone, and are keeping in contact and chatting and all that fun stuff. it would have been heartbreaking for me to come here if it meant losing one of the people i hold dear.

as for not creating emotional attachments, i would hate that too. im quite an emotional person, and do feel deeply for a lot of my friends. i'm finding it very difficult here without a circle of friends i can really trust, and can't imagine deliberately avoiding that emotional link with someone. i'd rather be hurt and angry if the friendship fell apart, than never having had the good times at all.

oops, just read silverfish's warning...

i've also had a bit of a tendency to pierce/ink after big changes in my life. after breakups, i usually fall ot pieces,a nd after a few weeks, clean up my act, sort out my hair, lifestyle, start dressing like i've some self respect.

the line 'best dishevelled lover two years running, coming second to, picket fence, white 9-5 who's just alive. beyond repair, there is nothing to say, save some fading regrets, but i can't be without this...' kinda describes me in that state pretty well.

Black Swan

Kazobel wrote: »

After a breakup alot of the time alot of women will change something about their appearance to create, as Dragan called it, a "new you".

I cut my hair from butt length to just below the shoulders. Called my agent, got a California job offer, and left Ireland about 2 or so years ago. Left that job and now a student in So Cal.

Lola123

Changed my hair (I do that a fair bit anyway so That wasn't a major change)
Booked a trip I'd been putting on hold because of my ex.
Changed careers.... This is the biggest as it's involved a change of location, lifestyle and finances, but I couldn't be happier. Wouldn't have pushed myself to make the change unless I'd gotten out of the "comfortzone" that I was in with my ex.

Dragan

Hmmm.....after a break up last year i guess i just slowly got back to being the Dragan i really wanted to be? More creative, more projects, more gigs and music and less bull****.

I guess for that relationship i made the mistake of thinking i wanted to be something, instead of just being me.

Silly boy.

Kazobel

Crumble Froo wrote: »

i still think it is that bad. it would have to feel so so lonely ot not have true friends, and even sadder because the friends have rejected me because of who i am, and because im trying to do what i believe is right for me. there were a few issues with some of my friends wehn i announced i was moving to nz, as some thought i was absolutely nuts, and there were arguments, and hurting words, but we did work it out, and while they mightnt agree with me or my reasons for going, tehy have accepted that i am gone, and are keeping in contact and chatting and all that fun stuff. it would have been heartbreaking for me to come here if it meant losing one of the people i hold dear.

as for not creating emotional attachments, i would hate that too. im quite an emotional person, and do feel deeply for a lot of my friends. i'm finding it very difficult here without a circle of friends i can really trust, and can't imagine deliberately avoiding that emotional link with someone. i'd rather be hurt and angry if the friendship fell apart, than never having had the good times at all.

oops, just read silverfish's warning...

i've also had a bit of a tendency to pierce/ink after big changes in my life. after breakups, i usually fall ot pieces,a nd after a few weeks, clean up my act, sort out my hair, lifestyle, start dressing like i've some self respect.

the line 'best dishevelled lover two years running, coming second to, picket fence, white 9-5 who's just alive. beyond repair, there is nothing to say, save some fading regrets, but i can't be without this...' kinda describes me in that state pretty well.

It sounds worse than it is hon, I do have some really good friends that I don't know that long but that I can trust totally and they always look out for me, Adsgirl that posts on here is one of them, and there's a few other people that post here (and know who they are ) that mail me regularly just to chat and ask am I ok. It sounds weird I know but I'm kinda happy with things as they are. I have the freedom not to have to live up to anyones expectations so in a sense get to be the real me and not a version that ticks everyones boxes if that makes sense?

Anyway on topic, dragan I'm really suprised guys do it too or at least notice that they displaying actions that they are only doing to make another party happy. Glad you got back on track

Blue_Lagoon that is by far more drastic than anything I've ever done, well done girl really hope it all works out

Lola123 I knew there was a word for it but couldn't remember it, it's a comfordzone we all get into in a relationship and when it ends I always needed to change things maybe to get a comfortzone in myself

Dragan

Kazobel wrote: »

Anyway on topic, dragan I'm really suprised guys do it too or at least notice that they displaying actions that they are only doing to make another party happy. Glad you got back on track

I wouldn't really consider it to be suprising. Guys are victim to exactly the same emotions as girls, often just to different degree's. Also, i don't think there are that many people who don't end up asking themselves a few question when a relationship they have a large emtional investment in falls apart.

The only difference between me and most of the people who post here is a foolishly changed myself going INTO the relationship. When i got out it became a case of "restore factory settings".

pow wow

Go on holidays, buy some killer (hooker?) heels, and find someone to take my mind off the last one. Not hopping into bed with them or anything, but when you have someone else to think about it helps

I don't change my hair, took me years to grow it out and it's staying.

Crumble Froo

a good mate of mine shaved his head when a somewhat toxic relationship ended for him, as a symbol of his new freedom. i wouldnt be surprised at all, i find myself to be generally on the same wavelength as most of my guy mates.

dirtydress

I cut my hair up short after my breakup. It was a great move and looks great now, unfortunately didnt help me get over him though