Help on meeting child for first time

macbarbie

Hi, im new here so hope this is the right place. My boyfriend has a 3 year old with his ex and Im meeting her for the first time soon, im not sure how to act, should i get her a gift or something? i am very nervous. We are very serious and plan on getting married so this will be my stepchild, what if she doesnt like me

any advice please??

Lurvely

Take it easy & be yourself..shes only 3 so she wont not like you...not sure about the gift idea in case she expects it all the time..play with her & make it fun..dont be too serious around her..try not to show that ur nervous & try to meet her somewhere that shes already familiar with so shes not upset by strange surroundings.

tSubh Dearg

I'm in the same situation but I'm over the first couple of hurdles as it were. My other half has 4 children and I have now met 3 of them.

The first time I met my OH's elder children it was in town, just after they had come out of the cinema. We had tea and crepes together, then I said goodbye and left them to it. The kids were quiet and I suppose watchful would be the word but would answer questions I put them, albeit one wordedly.

I've now met the older two several times they've come over to our flat and we've gone out to a couple of places together like the panto and the horse show. I've only met one of the younger two as I helped out by giving my OH a lift to her appointment.

The only advice I can give you is to take it easy and introduce yourself gradually. There was a gap of quite a few months between our first meeting and our next one. Ask her questions but don't badger her or expect long replies.

I wouldn't go with a gift. I did think about it myself for awhile but didn't, and I think it's better.

So to sum up my post.

First meeting make is short, sweet, no gift, no big deal
and
Follow the child's pace in how comfortable or uncomfortable they are with you.

lizzyd66

My mum is great with kids , they gravitate towards her and never really knew why. But then I realised she never went to the child she always let them come to her and then she would take the lead from them. I think if you maybe find out from your partner what books etc she likes maybe have a book in your bag and take it out and start looking at it yourself then if she shows an interest you could look at it together. Aged 3 she will have no hang ups about you and if you are smiley and relaxed and don't force things she will enjoy having another adult in her life to have fun with! Best of luck.

tallaght01

lizzyd66 wrote: »

My mum is great with kids , they gravitate towards her and never really knew why. But then I realised she never went to the child she always let them come to her and then she would take the lead from them. I think if you maybe find out from your partner what books etc she likes maybe have a book in your bag and take it out and start looking at it yourself then if she shows an interest you could look at it together. Aged 3 she will have no hang ups about you and if you are smiley and relaxed and don't force things she will enjoy having another adult in her life to have fun with! Best of luck.

I think this sums it up best.

Never approach the kid. Give them some time to have a look at you, and to suss you out. Let them see that dad is happy around you. Tell dad this in advance. Some people throw their kids into your arms straight away, but that's never the way to do it. Just walk into the house and carry on as you normlly would, and have as little interaction with the kid as you can.

Usually when I decide the time has come to break te ice, I'll start playing with a toy, or flipping through a book. They'll nearly always hesitantly approach you at that point, or at least they'll start watching you playing.

Then I offer them a go of the toy or book or whatever.

A few minutes later you're on to a game of peek-a-boo, and no child will EVER refuse a game of peek-a-bool.

Like I said, tell dad, or whoever is going to be with you at the time not to make a big fuss of an intro. Also, letting them no inadvance will mean they don't take it the wrong way when you're basically ignoring this kid.

Goo luck with it. Let us know how it goes.

Cocobells

Id be more worried about his Ex lol

macbarbie

Thank you all for the replys
They are a great help and i feel better now. I like the idea of letting the child come to me and not making a big deal, this is prob the best for the child as she already has a dad a mam, a step dad, a sister and step sister now theres another person coming into her life, shes only 3 so this wont mean much to her now, jus that shes surrounded by love but as she get older and understands it will get harder. I want whats best for her.

I see your points about the gift. I will leave it but maybe bring something she likes to have myself to make it easier to come to me.

I am still nervous though, the main reason being the ex. I was in the same college as her 3years agao and she told all her friends and my boyfriend i was a cow and giving her dirty looks because I start going out with him, he didnt believe her coz he knows her but her friends hated me. I have a fear she will do this with the poor little angel.
3 is so young and easy to influence. If she goes home and says im fun etc... she might say no shes not a nice girls. This may seem terrible but if you knew her you wouldnt be shocked. she immature. For example my bf follows manunited and so did the little girl but her step dad supported another team, she came to visit last week and all of a sudden, "dad i hate manunited" petty i know but thats jus the way she is...

TequilaMockingBird

With all due respect, you are planning on marrying this man without meeting his child? Give it a few years and then see how you both feel. In my opinion, of course.

metrovelvet

Youre engaged and you haven't met the child yet? Or more to the point the child hasn't met YOU yet! :eek:

You should look to be her friend right now and leave it at that. Don't get involved in the ins and outs of her well being, it's not your responsibility. That's why you will be called a step-parent, because you will have to do a lot of stepping back.

traceybere

i think you really jumping the gun calling yourself a step parent - think about if from a different point of view. you are really serious - getting married and haven't even met this little girl. thats really strange.

I can understand your partner not wanting you to introduce her after a fews weeks of seeing someone but if your so serious that your considering marraige??? - that rasies more questions to me!!

macbarbie

Appologies then if i seem dramatic. I have not met his daughter as he was fighting a custody battle, so it wasint the time for me stepping on the scene, im not callin myself a stepmam just yet, but im deeply in love with this, maybe things will change when i meet her but i dont think so, my love is very strong, i guess im thinking too much about the future, i think im jus scared!!

traceybere

i'm sure you will be grand just approach it as if he was your friends daughter you were meeting and not your partners.

i'm just out of a custoday battle myself - and my ex partner han't met anyone yet(as in a girlfriend) but i know some day he will, thinking about my own daughter i know she wouldn't like the idea of a second mum but rather a friend.

my partner gets on great with my daughter - he is great with her and always there for her but not as a parent - i know its hard on him but thats the way it has to be....