Quickies.

rocky25

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!! "

"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.00"
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A little old man totters into a chemist to buy some Viagra.

“Can I have 6 tablets please and I want each of them cut into quarters.”

The chemist says “I can do that sir, but a quarter will not give you a full erection”

“I am 96 and don’t have much use for an erection.

I just want it sticking out a bit,
so I don’t piee on my slippers”
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Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave’s wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.


Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"

Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."

She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn’t, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"

Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, ’Oh hell, he knows!’ Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says.
"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he’d stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.

It’s so good to have a friend you can trust."
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A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes Sir' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.' !!!

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered 'Yes, he sure did' !!!

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

patmac

Some good ones there Rocky.