Few More

rocky25

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.

The husband is behind the wheel.

His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."


The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.


She then says, "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it because
I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I’ve got everything I need."

She asks, "What’s that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I’ve got the airbag!"
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At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings.
One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated.

So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Joe said that he did not take any of the offering.
The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take any of the offering.


So the priest said, "Get into the confessional," which Joe did.
Then the priest asked him if he took any of the offering, and this time he said, "I can´t hear you."

Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?"

Again Joe answered, "I can´t hear you."

This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again Joe answered, "I can´t hear you."

By this time the priest was getting a little angry

so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me, and you can ask me a question."

So they traded places, and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair; is that true?"


The priest answered, "By golly, you can´t hear in here."
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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls
"And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach
"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

GLaDOS

Didnt see the last one coming xD