2? more

rocky25

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, "I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day."

The other man responds, "What is a Freudian Slip?"

"You know, it's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked her for "two Pickets to Tittsburgh."

The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you're talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, "YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU STUPID WITCH"
_________________________________________________________
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out."


"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"


"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"


"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Crumble Froo

>_<

oh , god the memories! for some reason, the times i had to clean up spilt colostomy bags with nothing more than a pair of rubber gloves and a dustpana nd brush came up in conversation today... this reminds me more of that job...

mickrourke

Crumble Froo wrote: »

>_<

oh , god the memories! for some reason, the times i had to clean up spilt colostomy bags with nothing more than a pair of rubber gloves and a dustpana nd brush came up in conversation today... this reminds me more of that job...

:eek: :eek: :eek:
Way to go for ruining some good jokes!
Good Lord, just cause you have bad memories, don't feel the need to share them. Gonna have nightmares tonight. Spilt Colostomy bags, thats a load of Sh1t!

Mind you that reminds me, I went to the doctor yesterday and he said 'Mick, I'm going to need a urine sample', I said 'You're taking the piss!'

rocky25

mickrourke wrote: »

:eek: :eek: :eek:
Mind you that reminds me, I went to the doctor yesterday and he said 'Mick, I'm going to need a urine sample', I said 'You're taking the piss!'

Think dat's bad,

I went to the Doctor yesterday and he said "Rocky, I'm gonna need a Urine sample,

So I gave him my Colostomy Bag:eek:

Hagar

The worst thing about a colostomy bag?
Trying to get shoes to match.

mickrourke

Hagar wrote: »

The worst thing about a colostomy bag?
Trying to get shoes to match.

Um, maybe brown suede?

rocky25

Hagar wrote: »

The worst thing about a colostomy bag?
Trying to get shoes to match.

Brilliantnearly choked on a new Cigar I'm a smokin, Monica Lewinsky Flavour.

rocky25

80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally. Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the Bathroom, *poof *!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof *!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof *! The light goes off?"

"OH MY GOD!" Ethel exclaims.
"He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!"

Crumble Froo

oh god, im so sorry... people collecting me were late and i got much much drunker than i had any right to post during. :cringe:

i am ashamed.

rocky25

Crumble Froo wrote: »

oh god, im so sorry... people collecting me were late and i got much much drunker than i had any right to post during. :cringe:

i am ashamed.

Bejayus......you were drunk at 8.34am....


Anyway your post was good..and started another line of wise cracks.

Nuttin wrong wit dat.

Crumble Froo......wot dat mean..me is punchy...so me not know

mickrourke

Crumble Froo wrote: »

oh god, im so sorry... people collecting me were late and i got much much drunker than i had any right to post during. :cringe:

i am ashamed.

Sure it's fine, we're getting loads of mileage out of it anyway.

rocky25

Slogans That Belong On Colostomy Bags.


“My other bag’s a Prada”

“Chicken Wing retrieval in progress”

“Is your colostomy bag full, or are you just happy to see me?”

“If you think this bag is full of ****, you should meet my Boss”

Crumble Froo

dammit. your acceptance makes me less ashamed and more likely to drink and post again :eek:

and not so much 8.24am, as 9.24pm, having started drinking at 5.30pm.

Hagar

Starting drinking at 5:30pm isn't a big problem unless it was 5:30pm the day before.

Crumble Froo

well, i'd been fairly skulling it, knowing we were going to a bar 'in less than two hours' time' and not wanting to pay bar prices for it. .. unfortunately, it was after 10 when i got picked up... i was pretty smashed at that stage. plus i broke my rule. if, earlier in the day, i say 'nah, not drinking tonight, too tired', i should stick to that rule. never ends well when i dont.

but yeah... im rambling again, oh, and my name came from the bollo episode of the mighty boosh. it's waht would happen if death ate a hard italian biscuit.