The Pun appreciation thread!

Homer

Snow problem.. You arrived white on time there to calm the storm..

el_barty

What is moonlighting?

It's what the sun does to support the day job...

dak

Myself and the wife argued over the weather yesterday , but it soon blew over. Her thinking was clouded !

Al_Fernz

Good work guys. Have the weather puns been done before though? I'm sorry, my memory is a bit hazy. Either ways - Id like to shower you guys with my praise. Hail to the pun thread posters!

Oh its gettin kind of late - I better get to bed and get some sleet.

Thrill

It's raining puns here, but they're a bit long winded. Come on you shower, lets flood this thread with better puns.

~Rebel~

Al_Fernz wrote: »

Good work guys. Have the weather puns been done before though? I'm sorry, my memory is a bit hazy. Either ways - Id like to shower you guys with my praise. Hail to the pun thread posters!

Oh its gettin kind of late - I better get to bed and get some sleet.

id just like to shower with you guys....

my annoying neighbour, Gale, came knocking at my door earlier for the tenth time today. Oh no i thought to myself, its hurricane..sometimes i just wish she'd piss off and go play twister or something. She's such a wind bag, always blowing on about nothing. Never enlightning.

dak

I not snow sure if its just me or weather its dew to the fog in my eyes that I can't see the sea shore .

My Auntie said she's haddock with life, living down on squid roe, reaching minnowpause, and for the main part, mentally eel. I told her to cut out the carp and ever since then shad a better relationship with Cod . She satared to sing Salmon Chanting Evening to clam her nerves . She feels shellfish whenever she breaks out and sing "Oh what a beautiful Marlin" but at night it gets better and she sings "Coi to the world" in tuna. Someday over the rainbow Trout I 'm gona have to get out my Bass Guitar and do some sturgeon work. I could become a Grouper and make Public Anename no 1! I just hope that when the great white Christmas comes along that I don't have to sing Dory Dory Hallelujah. I think I will just Seal my mouth and stop blubbering . My aunt said It Don't Mean A Thing If It Ain't Got That Ling. Anyway its all Pulp fishin as far as I am concerned . If she wants to be crabby she can stick with Silence of the lemmings !

Fishin you a codday ! May your Cod bles you

Monkfish!

guy2454

Ok i didnt have time to read them all so this one could well be in here!
This piece of string walks into a bar, bit mad looking,hair all over the place.the barman says "Get out im not serving you!",the piece of string asks,"why not?", the barman asks, "are you a punk piece of string?" to which the piece of string replies "no, im a frayed knot".

Thrill

guy2454 wrote: »

Ok i didnt have time to read them all so this one could well be in here!
This piece of string walks into a bar, bit mad looking,hair all over the place.the barman says "Get out im not serving you!",the piece of string asks,"why not?", the barman asks, "are you a punk piece of string?" to which the piece of string replies "no, im a frayed knot".

I dont have time to read this post , cos I'm a bit tied up at the moment.

RadioCity

Thrill wrote: »

I dont have time to read this post , cos I'm a bit tied up at the moment.

You say "post", do you not mean "thread"?

And I know that was a bit ropey.

Well you just have to string along with all these ropey puns.

Homer

I bought a skipping rope because my doctor prescribed pills for two days running, and then told me to skip a day

dak

I knew I was bound to be get a rough time at the weekend . I was feeling a bit hung over and ropey on Saturday so I lay on my Leather couch all day long . The Missus was narked at me and said it was Sofa king wrong ! She can knot be serious !

Homer

I knew I'd get roped into replying to this.... but hey there are no strings attached so why knot!

dak

industria wrote: »

I knew I'd get roped into replying to this.... but hey there are no strings attached so why knot!

It was bound to happen sooner or later ! If you want Hey see my More 'eh thread. But Hay a knot in time saves baler twine !

dak

The principal called the young cross-eyed teacher into his office. "I’m sorry to say, Ms. Jones, we’re going to have to let you go." "But why, sir? I thought I was doing a good job." "It’s simple," said the principal, "you can’t control your pupils."

Captain Ginger

A cow tried to attack me the other day, it sure was in a bad mood.
It didn't hit me though, I moove fast.

dak

Captain Ginger wrote: »

A cow tried to attack me the other day, it sure was in a bad mood.
It didn't hit me though, I moove fast.

I herd it all before! Are you sure it isn't bull ! It souds udderly ridiculous unless it was a calfan cow and you weren't its Armagh

The Bollox

dak wrote: »

I herd it all before! Are you sure it isn't bull ! It souds udderly ridiculous unless it was a calfan cow and you weren't its Armagh

you're milking this now. this is one heffer of a thread, pity it's mostly full of bull

dak

The Bollox wrote: »

you're milking this now. this is one heffer of a thread, pity it's mostly full of bull

The bull always has the Bollox otherwise he'd be a bullock ! LOL

dvega

1. Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A set of jump leads walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve
you, but don't start anything.'


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says
'A beer please, and one for the road.'


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this
taste funny to you?'


7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not
Unusual.'


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe
you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; straight up, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!'


13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, 'Dam!'


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'


18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

The Bollox

two cows standing a field, one says to the other "good grass today" and the other replies "AAAAGH! A talking cow!"

Al_Fernz

Did anybody see that match last night?

I never thought Austria could push the Germans so Klose. I thought they would hammer Austria, like leading Lahm's to the slaughter. I think they need to give the German manager the Merte-sacker and put him on the Po-dole-ski - he reached a new Lowe last night. In Lehmann's terms - that was a load of Ballack-s and I would be very surprised to see this German side go onto great Frings.

Homer

FRENCH TOAST
- France exit Euro 2008

TURKEY STUFFED
- Fatih Terim’s team suffer a heavy defeat.

CZECHS BOUNCED
- Probably appearing somewhere today, as the Czech Repuiblic say goodbye to Swissaustria

DOUBLE DUTCH
- Netherlands win 2-0

IVANSCHITZ ALL OVER GERMANY
- Andreas Ivanschitz scores the winner as Austria knock Germany out of Euro 2008.

GRAND LARSONN-Y
- A blatant Henrik Larsson dive wins Sweden a penalty

MARCO’S VAN BASTARD
- Marco Van Basten discovers he has an illegitimate child

JAN GETS KOLLER-ED
- Czech Republic’s Jan Koller is caught taking performance enhancing drugs

COSMIN’S CONTRA-BAND
- Romania’s Cosmin Contra caught smuggling illegal items out of Switzerland

OVER AND KRAUT
- Germany out of Euro 2008 (look for this in The Sun)

SUPER MARIO
- Germany win Euro 2008 with a Mario Gomez hat-trick. Unlikely given the way he’s playing.

BALLACKS!!!
- Michael Ballack misses a penalty as Germany go out

CHRISTIAN FUCHS IT UP
- The Austrian midfielder’s own goal ruins Austria’s Euros.

NANI GOAT
- Portugal’s Nani headbutts an opponent

LAHM TO THE SLAUGHTER
- Poor Philip Lahm gives away a last minute penalty

PRIME RIBERY
- France’s Franck Ribery puts on a midfield masterclass

GROSSO MISCONDUCT
- Italy left back Grosso sent off

MATRIX RELOADED
- Marco Materazzi back in the Italy starting lineup

A LIKELY STOOR-Y
- Sweden’s Fredrik Stoor found to be lying

ALLBACK TO MINE
- Sweden’s Marcus Allback scores the winner in the semi-final, and invites all the Swedish players to his place for a party

PEPE LE PEW
- Portugal’s Pepe has a stinker

MEHEMT TOPALS CROATS
- Mehmet Topal scores the winner against Croatia in this Fridat’s quarterfinal

POLES APART
- Big argument in Polish squad creates two warring factions

CHAVVY ALONSO
- Photo shows Spain’s Xabi Alonso wearing baseball cap, tracky bottoms and Reebok Classics. (unfamiliar with chavs? click here)

KUYT ON CAMERA
- Video evidence shows Netherland’s Dirk Kuyt abusing a linesman

WEBB OF DECEIT
- Howard Webb caught taking a bribe

DIARRA-REAH
- France’s Lassana Diarra has a particularly bad game.

Gross Halfwit

... Did you hear on the news about the midget clairvoyant who was arrested for murder but escaped the police? The newspaper reported that "There is a Small Medium at Large ... "

skiddoosh!

Homer

Old mediums never die... They just give up the ghost!

RadioCity

industria wrote: »

Old mediums never die... They just give up the ghost!

And if they fail to pay their mortgage? The get repossessed

dak

RadioCity wrote: »

And if they fail to pay their mortgage? The get repossessed

Good to see the spirit of the puns thread is alive and kicking !

dak

A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution

Homer

When bottled water is cheap it's called a liquidation sale. Ah the puns are coming flooding back to me! Let's hope we don't all drift apart.. We could end up in hot water!