The Pun appreciation thread!

Beanstalk

Oliverdog wrote: »

Yes, especially for the two piscatorial puns.

If ever there was a case for a good going-over with the fish-knives, you certainly fillet!

ah don't mind him he's just flexing his mussels....:)

randylonghorn

Beanstalk wrote: »

ah don't mind him he's just flexing his mussels....:)

I'm beginning to feel I'm bean stalked! 0_o

Hagar

This fellow checks into a Vegas hotel.
The Doorman hands him his key, and he gives the Doorman a big tip, and says, "Listen, can you get me some Italian prostitutes, and send them up to the room?"
Doorman, says, "Oh, yes, Sir. Right away, Sir."
Guy says, "Now, they have to be Italian prostitutes, understand? And,send lots of them."
"Yes sir."
A little later, girls start appearing at the door of his room. He invites them in. Turns out he's a vampire. He drinks their blood and, then, pushes them off the balcony. The Doorman is going out to get luggage and is hit several times by the falling bodies. He tells the manager who calls the police.
The police arrive and question the Doorman, asking him "What's going on?"
He says, "All I know is ... drained wops keep falling on my head."

Beanstalk

Whats the cruelest way to execute a fish?
Put it under a gill-otine.....

Did you hear what happened to the monk who kept picking his nose?
People said he had a bad habit.....

Hagar

A man was charged with stealing ducks from a local pond in a small English village.
When in court, the judge asked how he pleaded. He replied 'Not guilty Mallard'.


Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses?
They will be for people who love meat tender.


I had a nightmare that I was in Panama during a snowstorm. I was dreaming of a white isthmus.


As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los Platanos, and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be born 17 inches long,"
To which Reynoldo replied, "Do you know the weight, too, San Jose?

Oliverdog

A Russian who had lived through the rule of Nicholas II, who ended czarism for good by abdicating in 1917, when communism began, was telling the story of his hard life to a sympathetic group in an inn, in return for which he was being provided with vodka in large measure.

"Ahh" said the peasant, "it's good to taste that good spirit again. When I was a young man, although there should have been plenty of food and drink to go around, Nicholas II would waste it all on gluttony and feasts for all his noble friends, leaving us peasants and serfs to scramble for food in the gutters of Moscow and St Petersburg."

He shook his head and sighed.

"Yes, I was born under a squandering Czar!"

RadioCity

Did you hear about the bird that sat on an axe?

It was trying to hatchet.:)

cozmik

The latest market research shows a growing trend for eating high-fibre cereal for breakfast, with the result that people are experiencing greater regularity in their bowel movements.

With trends like that, who needs enemas?

el_barty

My dog's got no dictionary.

How does he spell 'terrible'?

Beanstalk

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were freezing, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it...

mickrourke

No offence, and i think i might get banned for saying this but....
As the german said to the sausage 'This is the wurst thread i have ever read!'
seriously, please close it done Hagar, I beg you!
My brain hurts.

netanyahu

Beanstalk wrote: »

ah don't mind him he's just flexing his mussels....:)

are you codding me

randylonghorn

mickrourke wrote: »

'This is the wurst thread i have ever read!'
seriously, please close it done Hagar, I beg you!

So don't read it! No need to punish yourself ...

Beanstalk

mickrourke wrote: »

seriously, please close it done Hagar, I beg you!
My brain hurts.

Hey you'd want to be careful there, I once heard of a guy who heard a joke that was so funny he started to laugh so hard he collapsed to his knees. He then put his his hands on his ears and fell over unconscious with a smile on his face....

The Hospital report said he collapsed due to a brain humour.....

netanyahu wrote: »

are you codding me

Hey! This isn't the plaice for fish jokes, oh no wait it is.....

Oliverdog

I sincerely hope that Hagar will mullet over for a while, before whiting this thread off and plaicing it in the out tray. There have been salmon credible contributions to the thread so far.

Hagar

No matter what I do, someone will carp about it.

el_barty

It seems this thread really has legs - no wait, shouldn't that be fins? Let's hope no-one ends up feeling too crabby about it. Maybe after this one, it'll start to take wing:

===

So I heard the strangest thing on the radio yesterday. It was an interview of a guy whose hobby was eating endangered birds. He went into great detail of all the meals that he'd had - bald eagle stew, deep fried condor wings, breast of kestrel, that kind of thing.

The interviewer then asks him, "So have you eaten any egrets at all?"

"Egrets?" he said "I've had a few. But then again, too few to munch on."

mickrourke

It really s time to finish this now. Hallibut we start something new and stop being so shellfish?

Oliverdog

Perhaps it's time to change direction - how about the latecomers to the society ball, as in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue?

Footballers Ball -
Mr and Mrs Champions and their small Scottish son wee Arthur.

Astronomers Ball -
Mr and Mrs O'Centauri and their son Alf

Scottish Dentists Ball -
Mr and Mrs McCavity and their son Phil

Beanstalk

el_barty wrote: »

So I heard the strangest thing on the radio yesterday. It was an interview of a guy whose hobby was eating endangered birds. He went into great detail of all the meals that he'd had - bald eagle stew, deep fried condor wings, breast of kestrel, that kind of thing.

The interviewer then asks him, "So have you eaten any egrets at all?"

"Egrets?" he said "I've had a few. But then again, too few to munch on."

oooh im robin that one if you don't mind! you see, i'm giving a presentation on predatory birds that are worshipped by ancient cultures (birds of pray, if you will) later this evening to a latin class, and i could use that joke with the same birds, ad hawk, of course!

dak

Punch and Judy! .....You know the rest!

~Rebel~

mickrourke wrote: »

No offence, and i think i might get banned for saying this but....
As the german said to the sausage 'This is the wurst thread i have ever read!'
seriously, please close it done Hagar, I beg you!
My brain hurts.

Ya big weenie, let it be! If you're that upset you could always sue for punitive damages I suppose..

The Hill Billy

Beanstalk wrote: »

ad auk, of course!

Fixed that for ya.


Falcon hell! Its the same owl puns by the same raven lunatics.

Someone else can take a tern now.

dh2007

netanyahu wrote: »

are you codding me

he doesn't know his plaice...

randylonghorn

In fairness, I think he's staying within the porpoise of the thread ...

WindSock

randylonghorn wrote: »

In fairness, I think he's staying within the porpoise of the thread ...

I'm having a whale of a time reading this thread.

Sherifu

It's my sole purpose to post a pun

Hagar

If the jokes don't get better soon I'm going to seal the thread.

Sherifu

Don't be so crabby

Hagar

Shuddup or I'll bait ye...