The Pun appreciation thread!

spoutwell

Wooden I just

I used to have a wooden car with a wooden engine, it wooden go!

spoutwell

Her foot was real.
'Cept when she was footless.

The Hill Billy

spoutwell wrote: »

I was seeing a girl with a wooden leg for a while. It was something very casual. In the end I just broke it off.

Sounds like you made a balsa that relationship. Did she pine for you?

A Primal Nut

Seems someone on boards is getting a boob job!

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055382752

Lets hope it doesn't go tits up!

We'll definitely have to keep abreast of developments!!

spoutwell

Some of these things are inflated out of all proportion.
Its better to just 'suck it and see'.

It BeeMee

A boob job is all very well - I wouldn't knock'er for that.

But what kind of a twat gets a vagioplasty?

dak

A Primal Nut wrote: »

Seems someone on boards is getting a boob job!

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055382752

Lets hope it doesn't go tits up!

We'll definitely have to keep abreast of developments!!

Her name is Pamela..............................Anderson is paying for it !

dak

During my last holiday to Italy I was the victim of car theft......some light handed pasta person took my punto Piza.


I went to Gardaland to report it but they just took me for a ride!

Beanstalk

Hmm,

The same thing happened me in Rome but i found my car at the local police car pool. I was able to get it back right away but I had to pay a small Fiat the barrier booth on the way out.

On another note, i'm havin trouble trying to put all my recently bought vegtables in the frigde as there isnt mushroom there at the moment...

Hagar

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

dak

Hagar wrote: »

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

Bet you wrote that in double time!! So C didn't get to do the the Jail house rock !

pseudonym1

Hagar wrote: »

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

Bravo!
I think scale it down is bout treble times too long...

The Hill Billy

Hagar wrote: »

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

Try saying all that with a clef palatte.

A Primal Nut

I don't think the barman was in tune with his customers as the drink was a bit flat. They should have banded together about him closing the bar. Given the scale of the incident, a major demonstration might have been required.

On that note, he may just change his tune.

G-izzles

My attention spam began to diminish while reading that but I must say, these jokes are better than minor! I hope you guys haven't major best ones yet!

dak

The bar was closed because the Gardai were called and drew their batons as a counter measure ! . The Gardai thought the barman called "AL" conducted himself very badly but further investigation revealed that it was all an optic -AL illusion . The Short version is that AL needed to beGIN his career as a magician but because he was too stout he didn't get to far. The Gardai released him after a night in the Cooler. It was Probably the best thing that ever happened to him! AL was sorry for Harping on so much !

G-izzles

Al has now learned from his mistakes and is much Weiser. Of course, after he left, he rang his friend Carl. When he met up with Carl, he saw Carl'sBurger looked quite appetising and decided to get one of his own. It was Harp to find a chipper but after a few minutes, he came across one. This was absolutely Stella! He reached Guiness pocket but there was no Dutch Gold in there!

dak

G-izzles wrote: »

Al has now learned from his mistakes and is much Weiser. Of course, after he left, he rang his friend Carl. When he met up with Carl, he saw Carl'sBurger looked quite appetising and decided to get one of his own. It was Harp to find a chipper but after a few minutes, he came across one. This was absolutely Stella! He reached Guiness pocket but there was no Dutch Gold in there!

Carl had a friend called Bud but they fell out after Bud found out that Carl had a rye sense of humour . Up till then Bud had always canned it but one after one ring pull by Carl it all went flat. Bud said he couldn't help himself as he had no bottle . Of Coors everyone knew it would get bitter if Carl was from the UK. Even John Smith got in on the act! Once the seeds are sown and the wind gets up there's sure to be a draught everywhere. Thats the long and Short of it !

atellyer

Do you think that a Local Area Network in Australia could be called the LAN down under?

atellyer

...or that when you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

The Hill Billy

atellyer wrote: »

...or that when you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

That's a fairly pedestrian pun.

dak

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have ****ty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

dak

Any golfer will tell you the gospel truth. Your next shot always depends on the lie.

Homer

Medical Alert: Golf has been linked to risk of strokes due to iron deficiencies.

dak

Homer wrote: »

Medical Alert: Golf has been linked to risk of strokes due to iron deficiencies.

I beg you PARdon, but well Putt! Are you for the Birdies ? Its enough to drive me a fairway !

dak

It's impossible to operate on this woman with a scalpel. There must be some other way that I can opener

dak

You say that this beverage is non-alcoholic. But where is the proof?

You're about as much use as Anne Frank's drum kit.

dak

Musicals really get on my nerves, they make such a Song and Dance about everything...