The Pun appreciation thread!

Capt'n Midnight

Fish puns are welcome any day of the week, barramundi.



There is almost no situation in life that doesn't offer an op-perch-tuna-ty for a good fish pun. If you've ever haddock-ray-ving for piscine based wordplay, there's always one to suit your need. Indeed, some fish are so improbably named that it seems their names were invented sole-ly for the porpoise of punning.


http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Fish_Puns

Hagar

There is no Nitrogen in Ireland. It can't exist in a Free State.

Little know medical fact : Hitler invented a cure for Rabbis.

Hagar

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

dak

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing naked makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of
himself.

Shacklebolt

Two IRA men are walking down the Falls Road when one of them sees a strange man on the other side of the street. He asks his friend if he thinks the other man is a British soldier to which he replies 'Ni Cheapaim!'

Bilingual puns the true epitome of dry humour

dak

The chicken knew the first leg of his trip would take him to Buffalo. From there he would wing it.

Homer

That was like poultry in motion! Now on with the puns, don't have me get fowl-mouthed!

Can't beat a good yolk I say

WindSock

Hagar wrote: »

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

He must have been having some Hard Times.

oobydooby

Shacklebolt wrote: »

Two IRA men are walking down the Falls Road when one of them sees a strange French man called Ray on the other side of the street. He asks his friend if he thinks the other man is a British soldier to which he replies 'Ni Cheapaim!'

Bilingual puns the true epitome of dry humour

Save Ray!!

dak

oobydooby wrote: »

Save Ray!!

Sting Ray !

Capt'n Midnight

http://2x2doctrine.proboards104.com/index.cgi?board=humor&action=display&thread=710

You need to have some knowledge of electronics or perhaps radio systems to appreciate
Henry was racing his megacycle round the circuit and over the wheatstone bridge, when he noticed Milli Watt horizontally polarised in a magnetic field on the side of the signal path. She lay in a small resonant cavity, and as he approached she choked out "It hertz, it hertz.". Henry jumpered off his cycle, and clambered down the capacitor bank into the magnetic field, forcing his way through the impedance of the longwaves of grass.
"Watts wrong Milli?" he cried.
"Two men came along on kilocycles and knocked me off the Wheatstone bridge into the electron stream below" gasped Milli.
"There was quite a flow of electrons, but I managed to get out of the current, and climb up the earthy ground into the magnetic field. Of course I was fully saturated, and now perhaps I'm a bit overheated. I may even have a refracted leg. Perhaps I’ll have to chordal hop all my life?"
"I'd better get you Ohm then Milli," said Henry.
Together they staggered up to the signal path, where Henry applied a bandwidth to Milli's leg, and propped her on his megacycle.
"We've just missed the databus Milli, I saw the semiconductor wave as it went parsed, so I'll have to take you Ohm on my megagcycle." said Henry, thinking that Milli's Irish grandmother, Nan O'Farad might be Ohm.
As they progressed along the signal path, along charged P.C. Board, the policeman.
"What's that bandwidth on your leg Milli?" , he asked. Henry proceded to tell him the whole story.
"That sounds like the French Murderer, Killer Pascal and his brother Terra. They escaped from the lead acid cells this morning," said P.C. Board. “They have been living in Darlington until recently” he said.
"We've had interference along the signal path since they got out," he said. "Did they steel anything Milli, or put you under any pressure?" he asked, thinking to himself that being under the pressure of one pascal could be excessive, but of two pascals would be overwhelming.
"Oh, my crystal set, and all my joules are gone!" choked Milli.
"It's as well you didn't resist them," said P.C. Board, "they would have no hesitation in using their electron gun. I can't wait to get them back in the cells. No comfy dry cell for them either, it's a wet cell of the maximum rating! Shall I call your Nan on my mobile phone, Milli?"
"Yes please, but I can't remember the number, can you look in your book?".
P.C.Board looked in his book, but noticed that there were two O'Farads listed.
"Which one, Milli?" he asked.
"Oh, any one, the other's my uncle Mike O'Farad. Just take your Pick O'Farads".

Later that day, as P.C. Board was on his beat frequency, passing the Accumulator Bank, he noticed a commotion inside. Terror, and Killer Pascal were holding up the bank, demanding all the joules from the Volt. The bank staff had no capacity for reactance, and the Pascals were filling their cache sacks with no interference.
P.C. Board deviated by 25kHz off his signal path, and dismounted his cycle, Putting it into vertical polarisation against the wall in the shade of the roofing filter. He strode into the bank, his finger on the Schmidt trigger of his electron gun, and said
"Right Pascals, I'm going to suppress all this illegal activity. Ordinary folk need sheilding from your electromotive force."
P.C.Board managed to trap the Darlington Pair, despite their high dynamic resistance, and lock them in the accumulator cell.

After Henry had left Milli, squelching his desire to upset her sensitivity, he stood on the grey line at the road edge and watched a band pass. Such audio from amateur bands excited him, though he resisted any sympathetic oscillation. He noticed that the beat’s frequency induced in him a feeling he had trouble limiting. A surge of modulated tone caused the width of his pulse to increase, and he multihopped along the short path causing a few birdies to sidescatter. Eventually reaching his own Ohm, he flipped off his varicap, dissipated the power of his megacycle and shunted it into a tuned cavity well shielded from theft.
Inside he went straight into the shack and started calling CQ, thinking that he’d missed his sked.

dak

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

http://2x2doctrine.proboards104.com/index.cgi?board=humor&action=display&thread=710

You need to have some knowledge of electronics or perhaps radio systems to appreciate
Henry was racing his megacycle round the circuit and over the wheatstone bridge, when he noticed Milli Watt horizontally polarised in a magnetic field on the side of the signal path. She lay in a small resonant cavity, and as he approached she choked out "It hertz, it hertz.". Henry jumpered off his cycle, and clambered down the capacitor bank into the magnetic field, forcing his way through the impedance of the longwaves of grass.
"Watts wrong Milli?" he cried.
"Two men came along on kilocycles and knocked me off the Wheatstone bridge into the electron stream below" gasped Milli.
"There was quite a flow of electrons, but I managed to get out of the current, and climb up the earthy ground into the magnetic field. Of course I was fully saturated, and now perhaps I'm a bit overheated. I may even have a refracted leg. Perhaps I’ll have to chordal hop all my life?"
"I'd better get you Ohm then Milli," said Henry.
Together they staggered up to the signal path, where Henry applied a bandwidth to Milli's leg, and propped her on his megacycle.
"We've just missed the databus Milli, I saw the semiconductor wave as it went parsed, so I'll have to take you Ohm on my megagcycle." said Henry, thinking that Milli's Irish grandmother, Nan O'Farad might be Ohm.
As they progressed along the signal path, along charged P.C. Board, the policeman.
"What's that bandwidth on your leg Milli?" , he asked. Henry proceded to tell him the whole story.
"That sounds like the French Murderer, Killer Pascal and his brother Terra. They escaped from the lead acid cells this morning," said P.C. Board. “They have been living in Darlington until recently” he said.
"We've had interference along the signal path since they got out," he said. "Did they steel anything Milli, or put you under any pressure?" he asked, thinking to himself that being under the pressure of one pascal could be excessive, but of two pascals would be overwhelming.
"Oh, my crystal set, and all my joules are gone!" choked Milli.
"It's as well you didn't resist them," said P.C. Board, "they would have no hesitation in using their electron gun. I can't wait to get them back in the cells. No comfy dry cell for them either, it's a wet cell of the maximum rating! Shall I call your Nan on my mobile phone, Milli?"
"Yes please, but I can't remember the number, can you look in your book?".
P.C.Board looked in his book, but noticed that there were two O'Farads listed.
"Which one, Milli?" he asked.
"Oh, any one, the other's my uncle Mike O'Farad. Just take your Pick O'Farads".

Later that day, as P.C. Board was on his beat frequency, passing the Accumulator Bank, he noticed a commotion inside. Terror, and Killer Pascal were holding up the bank, demanding all the joules from the Volt. The bank staff had no capacity for reactance, and the Pascals were filling their cache sacks with no interference.
P.C. Board deviated by 25kHz off his signal path, and dismounted his cycle, Putting it into vertical polarisation against the wall in the shade of the roofing filter. He strode into the bank, his finger on the Schmidt trigger of his electron gun, and said
"Right Pascals, I'm going to suppress all this illegal activity. Ordinary folk need sheilding from your electromotive force."
P.C.Board managed to trap the Darlington Pair, despite their high dynamic resistance, and lock them in the accumulator cell.

After Henry had left Milli, squelching his desire to upset her sensitivity, he stood on the grey line at the road edge and watched a band pass. Such audio from amateur bands excited him, though he resisted any sympathetic oscillation. He noticed that the beat’s frequency induced in him a feeling he had trouble limiting. A surge of modulated tone caused the width of his pulse to increase, and he multihopped along the short path causing a few birdies to sidescatter. Eventually reaching his own Ohm, he flipped off his varicap, dissipated the power of his megacycle and shunted it into a tuned cavity well shielded from theft.
Inside he went straight into the shack and started calling CQ, thinking that he’d missed his sked.

You need to have some slightly smipler knowledge of electronics or perhaps radio systems to appreciate this one

(... _ _ _ ... ) (... _ _ _ ... ) (... _ _ _ ... ) (... _ _ _ ... ) ! LOL

dak

14 days of no puns !

dak

Talking to her about computer hardware, I make my mother board.

Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment is bad heir-conditioning.

The best vitamin for making friends is B-1.

The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

The case against a donut thief was full of holes.

The cowboy reached for his gun and then drew a blank.

The difference between a champ and a chump is U.

The drunk said I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

The duck said to the bartender, 'put it on my bill.'

The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

The poet had written better poems, but he'd also written verse.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

There's a repair shop for baroque musical instruments.

Those who do not want to be counted have taken leave of their census.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Those who hate classical music have my symphony.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Those who play team sports usually have a ball.

Those who steal trains must have a loco-motive.

Those who study the moon are optimists - they look at the bright side.

Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Tires are fixed for a flat rate.

To become an electrician you have to pass a battery of tests.

To learn rope tricks you have to be taut.

To some - marriage is a word... to others - a sentence.

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

Two crooks bought a hotel. They were innmates.

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.



Waiters are good at multiplication because they know their tables.

What you seize is what you get.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

When a college dormitory exploded a lot of roomers were flying.

When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses they have a mid-wife crisis.

When a new hive is done, bees have a house swarming party.

When a skunk walked in, the judge said, 'odor in the court'.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.

When chemists die, we barium.

When he lost his bottle of gin he became very dis-spirited.

When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block.

When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.

When the glassblower inhaled he got a pane in the stomach.

When the human cannonball retired they couldn't find a replacement of the right caliber.

When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.

When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.



You can whip our cream but you can't beat our milk.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Porkpie

Went in to a take away at lunch time, ordered a chicken wrap. Next minute, a big chicken hops up on the counter with a mic and starts......rapping!

Come on, just picture it! bok bok booook bokkabok!!

dak

Perhaps this thread is closed... caues it aint appear to be nopun!

Porkpie

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar!

dak

I told the artist that his painting was terrible.
.
.
.
.
.
I think he got the picture.

nacl

The guy with the lisp was worried, there was a funny sound coming from under the bonnet of the family's second car. He went into the house and asked his wife

Have you heard the wun about?

dak

nacl wrote: »

The guy with the lisp was worried, there was a funny sound coming from under the bonnet of the family's second car. He went into the house and asked his wife

Have you heard the wun about?

Wus that a slip or lisp of the tongue ?

dak

Smartly dressed poultry would be called chic hens.

SlimeyGoose

nacl wrote: »

The guy with the lisp was worried, there was a funny sound coming from under the bonnet of the family's second car. He went into the house and asked his wife

Have you heard the wun about?

Why does the word lisp has an s in it ?

Sharpshooter

dak wrote: »

Smartly dressed poultry would be called chic hens.

They would have to be impeckably dressed though.

dak

sharpshooterH wrote: »

They would have to be impeckably dressed though.

Only way to get laid !

Sharpshooter

Eggxactly, and not just with , any old yolk.

dak

sharpshooterH wrote: »

Eggxactly, and not just with , any old yolk.

There would be a scramble to get a coddle !

Sharpshooter

Yep , wait too long , and it goes off the boil.

Homer

As a Psychiatrist I prefer Kentucky Freud Chicken myself

Sharpshooter

Psychiatrist's fry your brain.

Homer

sharpshooterH wrote: »

Psychiatrist's fry your brain.

Why I oughta give you a piece of my mind!!