The Pun appreciation thread!

dak

Sharpshooter wrote: »

When they get the job,they milk it for all it's worth.
They have some hide on them,and no one ever grasses the up.

Maybe its time to get them to Moooove on ! I've herd enough and its been Friesin too much lately !

Sharpshooter

Trouble is the next lot will butter us up,until we vote them in,and then they will be skimming off the top too.We will just have to wait and see if they do udderwise..

Busi_Girl08

Now now....don't bother crying over spilt milk...

dak

Sharpshooter wrote: »

Trouble is the next lot will butter us up,until we vote them in,and then they will be skimming off the top too.We will just have to wait and see if they do udderwise..

Put Marge or Ian in charge charolais ! Whey hey !

Sharpshooter

Fat lot of good Marge or Ian would do,besides Col Ester Al and the rest would go through the roof.

dak

Sharpshooter wrote: »

Fat lot of good Marge or Ian would do,besides Col Ester Al and the rest would go through the roof.

Oil call Olive and spread it around cas its a bread and ........ issue ! I just want to sterol it all up !

dak

Traditionally Friday would have been a good day to plaice a pun in the oven but now its just a Cod . What a load of Pollacks !

dak

My friend lives by a cliff ! He's always telling me to drop over.

The Hill Billy

Don't fall for that one!

Inkivaari

A local punster entered a pun competition. He submitted 10 puns to the judging panel. Unfortunately, he didnt win, no pun in-ten-did!

banquo

Inkivaari wrote: »

A local punster entered a pun competition. He submitted 10 puns to the judging panel. Unfortunately, he didnt win, no pun in-ten-did!

Mother of God.

Well done sir.

joseph brand

RadioCity wrote: »

'Meatloaf' : I would do anything for grub (but I won't do rat)

Denise Williams: Lets hear it for the boil

Forgive me, I'm steamin' at the minute...:)

Meatloaf one cracked me up.

joseph brand

An ice cream van owner was found dead today in his van. The man was discovered under the ice cream dispenser, covered in ice cream, hundreds and thousands and raspberry syrup.

Police believe he topped himself.

dak

joseph brand wrote: »

An ice cream van owner was found dead today in his van. The man was discovered under the ice cream dispenser, covered in ice cream, hundreds and thousands and raspberry syrup.

Police believe he topped himself.

I don't believe there is a flake of truth in that He only got to a 99 when dialing the emergency services

Police have now Coned off the area ! The evidence is believed to be waifer thin on the ground but the search will continue after Brunch!

The Hill Billy

As the Garda helicopter did Loop the Loops over head, the detective heard that a suspect was seen in the vicinity. He called his boss to give further instructions, "Super, split up and search the area."

dak

Hill Billy wrote: »

As the Garda helicopter did Loop the Loops over head, the detective heard that a suspect was seen in the vicinity. He called his boss to give further instructions, "Super, split up and search the area."

Thats a Twister if I ever saw one !

Hagar

Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.

Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only...... cheap Sioux veneers

Sharpshooter

I don't blame them complaining, they weren't Apache on the real thing and nothing to Crow about.
And did you see Dakota he was wearing,obviously fake too.

Hagar

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'. The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it?' The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'. 'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'. The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

......NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you' To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'. The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'. The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead' The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'. The barman said 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the Rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman,'what from'.
After a short pause. The rabbit said...



'Mixin'-me-toasties'

23 23

so rubbish it's nearly not bad

dak

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Fago!

Jesus this thread has spun out of control. I tell ya, the punctuation in this thread is very punishing to read through.

Nevertheless, despite your puny brains, some of the joke-posters here are very spunky.

I'm leaving boards now because I have to fix a puncture in my car tyre. I better fix it quick as want to continue to be punctual for my acupuncture appointment because all of you punks are stressing me out.

dak

Fago_25 wrote: »

Jesus this thread has spun out of control. I tell ya, the punctuation in this thread is very punishing to read through.

Nevertheless, despite your puny brains, some of the joke-posters here are very spunky.

I'm leaving boards now because I have to fix a puncture in my car tyre. I better fix it quick as want to continue to be punctual for my acupuncture appointment because all of you punks are stressing me out.

Glad to see your punctiliousness !

dak

I know a farmer who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up.

383Ger

THis a true story....I was working with a concert promoter a few years ago and had responsibility for marshalling the photographers in the pit when the main band came on stage. Journalist/music guru BP Fallon was one of the photographers given accreditation along with 7/8 others and he ended up in a slight altercation with one of the pit security, there was a bit of handbags between them with BP getting hit by this guy. The incident was captured by another photographer and they ran a photo in one of the sunday newspapers of the incident...with the headline over the photo reading "Beep bopped by lula"...classic

EverEvolving

I've just had to sack my cleaner, Carl, for breaking my washing machine just goes to show -

Washing machines live longer with Carl Gone

Sharpshooter

With a name like that you sud have known he would leave you in a spin.
Did you re-cycle the washing machine?

dak

EverEvolving wrote: »

I've just had to sack my cleaner, Carl, for breaking my washing machine just goes to show -

Washing machines live longer with Carl Gone

O my Bosch ! Daz is terrible !! I've gone whiter than white ...

EverEvolving

Keep it clean .. the suds are off

Sharpshooter

Oh so you are trying to whitewash it now.