The Pun appreciation thread!

dak

Sharpshooter wrote: »

You should take tea at the Ritz they serve a cracker of meal and they don't mind if you gingerly ask for a doggy bag.

Last time I was at the Ritz I had a slice of tea cake which was very off putting . I was wedged into a tiny seat and only had one chip . It wasn't a fair way to treat a customer and they were a bit rough on me ! I'll never drive down there again ..I'm off now to iron out any difficulties !

edson

are you still carrying a chip on your shoulder?

or are you just green with envy?

Sharpshooter

We'll just have to stroke his ego, and hope he has the foresight to lie down and rest awhile.

Beanstalk

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

galwayrush

Not sure if these have been done here before.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir

Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned

out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because

it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind

in his work.



6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be

stationery.



7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for

littering.



8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in

Linoleum blown apart.



9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are

looking into it.



12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat

said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit

me.



15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the

Grass.'



16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said: 'No

change yet..'



17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



18. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!



19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small

medium at large.



20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a

seasoned veteran.



21. A backward poet writes inverse.



22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's

your count that votes.



23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Dj Stiggie

Anyone watching the Champions League Final last night?

In the end it was very Messi

dak

Dj Stiggie wrote: »

Anyone watching the Champions League Final last night?

In the end it was very Messi

Hey!!!!!!!! I know nooottttttthing about that ! I should be on the ball !

Sharpshooter

True, and now you are on the sidelines, annette won't be happy.

dak

Many people believe that Adam and Eve's problems came from picking an apple of the tree. Me..I think it was the pear on the ground !

A Primal Nut

Dj Stiggie wrote: »

Anyone watching the Champions League Final last night?

In the end it was very Messi

Yeah, even their first goal was scored with Eto'o-poke

thebullkf

THE PIANO TUNER
A man moved to another state where he didn't know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be tuned when the man arrived.
So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.
Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.
After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.
To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job."
"Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano."
"Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."

thebullkf

SIEGE
A royal castle was under siege from an infidel army. The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all of the horses had been killed in the battle.
"We must get help," said the king.
"I know," replied the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once."
"Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man."
"No, no," pleaded the army leader. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

Sharpshooter

That would indeed be a catastrophe, and doggone it another tail altogether.:pac:

thebullkf

An Eskimo got so cold while paddling his kayak that he built a fire to warm himself up. Naturally, the kayak sank, and he had to swim to shore in the icy waters.
This only goes to show that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


UPWARD MOBILITY
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers

dak

I got a deal on a new computer, and they threw in the operating system to boot.

Hagar

BBQ

dak

Mobile BBQ!

DubMedic

Will Smith goes to jail.

Campaign starts : ' Free Willy ' .

:pac:

.

Beanstalk

I was walking through the graveyard the other day when I saw a man crouched behind a tombstone. 'Morning' I said. 'Naw' he said, 'Im just having a sh1t.'

dak

I have 2 boxs of evostick for sale ... can I put an ad here! I'm really stuck !

The Hill Billy

No, but maybe you could paste it in adverts.ie.

Alice1

Dak, you can't be putting ads on just any old thread - you must adhere to the rules!

Hagar

dak wrote: »

I have 2 boxs of evostick for sale ... can I put an ad here! I'm really stuck !

Go on then, stick it up.

dak

Hagar wrote: »

Go on then, stick it up.

I'd feel a right pritt stick is I did.... I'm sure it would be all over the papers !

Alice1

Ah now this thread is just getting tacky:P

Hagar

I just bought a new car, Isreali made I think, it's a SukUzi Vitara.

The Hill Billy

Hagar - that pun was wheely bad. Ford God's sake, please try to do better next time.

pajero2005

What did the fish say wheh he swam into the wall?

Dam!


Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef:D

dak

Hagar wrote: »

I just bought a new car, Isreali made I think, it's a SukUzi Vitara.

So you can drive a car, but what do you have to chauffeur it?:)

dak

The Government need to do something abount unemployment ...... its just not working !